Thanks to eveyrone for your input. It is helpful. I guess I need to draw the picture more clearly. DH says that the real issue is that I did not tell him the complete truth in the beginning, after being the one to bring it up. The reason I told him about it - basically number of partners and what types of relationships they were - was that in my 22 year old mind, I felt like my life partner would need to know about the history overall and be willing to deal with it, or know about it and decide not to marry me. By revealing details, saying I had gotten it all out, but then later coming up with more, he says I was manipulating him. I can see what he's saying some, but of course, that's not how I saw it at the time. I saw that here was this man I loved and I was telling him things so he would know, but then he'd ask all these questions and get so angry, so I'd say some things and then shut down because the anger was so difficult to handle.
How were you manipulating him by only revealing part of your sexual history? I'd really like to know - that doesn't make ANY sense at all.
Long time mostly lurker here. I've been married almost 16 years. Was in early twenties when I got married and we didn't date long. Long story short - after the first boy I ever went out with (at a very naive age 13 in 9th grade, having come from a nonemotional, no talk about sex/marriage, family) took me into a church hallway and stuck his penis in my mouth and then continued to kind of use me and spit me out, I started out on years of screwed up sexual behavior. hubby did not have this history. i told him before we got married about the overall scope of things, realized i should be quite embarrassed and that the knowledge was hurting him, and kind of backed off with the confession/revelation thing. but this has been aproblem forever with us. he is sickened that i did the things i did and does not trust me because i lied. we have had several blow ups and long talks over the years, and i have remembered and revealed more details. i am in counseling finally to try to get a handel on this. i guess i had hoped this would all become a nonissue but it does not. any thoughts, advice, etc. hubby is plannig to leave me over this.
DId this information HURT your husband? Or did it make him angry? 2 different emotions. If he was hurt that you had been sexually assaulted and abused as a teen, he would not be angry with YOU, he would be angry with your abusers. STOP revealing details - its none of his business, and he's not willing or able to help you through it.
Now he's also telling me i have to write emails to the priest who married us (to tell him we married under false pretenses and need an annulment, i think), my college friends for more perspective on how screwed up I was, and one of the guys from my history (to tell him he's a jerk). He's also been looking people up on the internet, showing me the current photos and make fun of the guys and me. There's a lot of disrespectul namecalling, yelling, taking up so much of our present time (away from our 2 lovely daughters). Friday there were suicide threats over this issue. This weekend I wound up in the hospital and he blew up on a doctor and yelled at me that a male nurse who was laughing too much was hitting on me - the man was so obviously gay!
This is a huge over-reaction. It's also controlling (seeing as how he wants you to contact all these people and tell them how you screwed up). Namecalling is another form of abuse. He threatened SUICIDE???!!!???!!! honey, GET OUT NOW. This is abuse, manipulation (and no, YOU are NOT manipulating him, HE is manipulating YOU!), and a huge power struggle that you won't win. Read up on abusive relationships please. If you determine that you are in one - DO NOT seek couples counseling. Couples counseling is for people with MUTUAL problems, abuse is ONE person's problem - the perpetrators. Couples counseling in abusive relationships usually only gives the abuser MORE tools to work with, and makes it easier for them to abuse their victim. Please talk about this possibility with your own therapist, and DO NOT seek couples counseling until you have determined that it is safe to do so.
OH, and as far as whether or not I've done something wrong, he definitely sees any sex outside of a committed relationship as wrong. And since I am his wife, it really affects him.
Doesn't matter. If you haven't had sex outside of this relationship, with him, since you were in it, your past is your own, and it shouldn't matter. He knew you weren't a virgin, he knew you'd had previous sexual encounters - he chose to marry you anyway. His doing. If he can't handle the heat, he needs to get out of the kitchen (so to speak).
ETA - the get out now comment was a gut reaction on my part. Having been in an abusive relationship, I know its not that simple. Do keep in mind though that abusive rarely gets less severe, and almost always gets more severe. Him threatening violence on himself is a sign that he may start threatening or perpetrating violence on you at some point in the future. I would come up with a list of Domestic Violence services/shelters that you can contact in an emergency, and of course, PLEASE call 911 IMMEDIATELY if he is violent towards you or your child.
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