My nanny calms and soothes my son better than me and DH! Need to find balance.

[NewSolarMomma]

We have a great live in nanny, we call him Uncle Oscar. He has 3 kids and raised his 9 siblings, so he has MUCH more experience, and patience, than either of us. I love that he's so helpful and my son loves him, but it bugs me that I can't calm my own baby as well as he does! He is like a baby whisperer! Am I just being silly?

We cosleep most of the time, but on nights DS is super fussy he sleeps with DH or UO (DH in bed, UO in his bouncy chair or in his arms). I am the sole financial supporter, so I have to sleep, work and travel. I do work from home, so I am with DS a lot.

DH is not good with out baby, he gets really irritated anytime he cries or fusses, this is why I got the nanny in the first place. It was suppose to be DHs "job" to be with DS, so I could focus on supporting us, but its not working out that way. I don't want to get to dependent on UO, if he leaves, I will have to find another live in (easy in Mexico), and I don't want DS to be sad. But we need him right now!

How to strike a balance? anyone have this problem? (We are just an average family, not wealthy, but we chose to move South so we could afford help and a big enough house, which we couldn't have in CA)

THANKS

[JudiAU]

We have a nanny and she has her own very nice ways to comfort the kids. I do and so does DH. But usually we all do it without the other person being so...present. I can't imagine a situation where the child was choosing between his primary caregiver, his mother, and his father. I think this would create a lot of confusion for the child and yes, make a separation in the future very very difficult. Maybe this kind of relationship is more common in other countries.

I can also see how it would undercut your DH's ability to address your DS's needs. A lot of times skills are developed because of need. If DH doesn't have a need to develop them he might not, even if he means to and wants to. On the other hand if he trends a little more, I don't know, selfish (is that the right word?) I can see how the situation makes it easy for him to not engage.

How is living in another country affecting him? I can see that it is isolating if he is not a working and not caring for a child. You are working and someone else is caring for his child. What is he doing? Does he have interests? Is he lazy? Depressed? Living in a foreign country to increase your standard of living doesn't seem like much of a tradeoff if the result is a stressed out mama, disengaged father, and a child who is confused about their caregiver.

I would not be okay with DH not doing anything productive and we went though long periods were he wasn't really doing anything before we had kids. He eventually saw a therapist, constructed a plan for his life, worked as a SAHD for a bit and then went to school full time to enter a new careet.

I'd be pretty concerned about all three of these issues. Maybe this is a living situation you should reconsider. Alternatly, you might consider putting some boundaries on when you are caregiver is to intervene. His hours are x-x and nightime parenting takes place in the following way, i.e. You both both do bathtime/bedtime and then you respond from x-12 and DH has 12-6 or whatever. We found this to be helpful when I worked full time and DH was a SAHD.

(From an apartment-dwelling Los Angeles mama who WFT with a DH was a SAHD for 2 years and is now a full time student.)