6yo DD refuses to go anywhere if there will be new people

[Alison's Mom]

My dd just turned 6 and has always been very shy with new people and easily overwhelmed in crowded places like festivals, fairs, etc.  It takes her a long time to adjust to a new routine or new people in her life.  I understand this, as her personality is much like mine was when I was a child although she seems way more shy, and also more stubborn (gets it from DH, LOL) than I was.

She will balk at attending a b-day party where she doesn't knows 2 of the 12 children there, and never wants to go to friends' houses unless she knows absolutely every single child attending - she's not as leary of strangers that are adults.  We know not to bring her to places where it would be overwhelming for her and generally stick with people we know well.  She's ok with one on one playdates but gets wound up with parties.  If we just say 'we're going' and bring her, she will cling to one or both parent and be really rude and snippy when we try to talk to her.  It makes it really not fun for anyone.  Usually she'll come around just in time to leave the party.

I have tried talking to her about the following:

-I know you feel nervous about meeting new people, lots of people feel that way

-all your good friends were once strangers, but once you got to know them you realize they are nice

-one strategy is to just sit with the people that you do know

-if these other kids are friends with your friends, chances are, they are nice too

-you would limit yourself if you decided not to go anywhere you don't know all the people

I was in a car accident a month ago and have broken bones so dh is having to take her to parties, ballet class, etc.  She refused to dance at ballet a couple weeks ago because of a substitute teacher, and dh was really mad. 

Today, she was to attend one of her best friend's party, but since the bf had moved schools and there would be a few girls from the new school, she was nervous.  We talked about it, and she would waver back and forth. We encouraged her to attend because of how much she likes this girl, but she was really unsure.  Turns out dh took her and she ended up in tears at the front door even though the bf and one other good friend were trying to convince her to join in, and there weren't even a big crowd of new kids around.  Now they are coming home and dh is pissed off.  He has said she's not going to another good friend's party later this month (we know a lot of kids with Nov bdays), and he's not taking her to disney on ice, as promised.  I understand his frustration because for the longest time she would for example say she wanted to go to ballet, and then change her mind about participating after getting there, which was thoroughly trying on my patience as well as dh's.

Another thing is due to her food allergies, I have to talk to the parents before the party about what food they are having, and normally I would offer to make the cake but can't now.  The parents end up looking for specifc brands of food for her and using specific recipes to be accommodating to her allergies, then I feel awful about her not even attending.

I know she might be acting up a bit due to my accident, but it's been like this for a long time - it's just worse now. 

Any suggestions?  Not sure what to do anymore.

[sandy from Toronto]

My 6 year old son sounds very similar in temperament to yours.  He can't tolerate crowds, festivals or fairs and it makes me sad because we miss out on most community events. When I am able to drag him there, he won't participate in any of the kids activities (even with a friend in attendance, too) and stays close to me at all times.

I enrolled him in swimming lessons this fall again, and even though he went last year, he cried and shook before the first class because he was scared that he won't know any of the kids and the teacher would be mean.

He has a callous on his left thumb that he has created from rubbing the same spot over and over again...clearly because he feels socially anxious and it is a way for him to cope with his anxiety.

I'm a bit of an introvert myself and don't really enjoy big parties where I don't know most of the people. I had more struggles with social anxiety when I was younger, but over the last 10years, I have become less anxious and more confident.

I feel badly when my son withdraws from people, places and events because he is dealing with anxious feelings.  I try not to shame him, help him name his experience and alternate between gentle pushing and backing off completely.  I don't know what the right thing to do is.  His father (my ex) handles it with much less tact and has escalated the situation into my son having crying fits as his father tries to force him with anger into participating in an activity.  As a result, I tend to be the parent that accompanies our son to all bday parties or activities/classes since his dad only makes the situation worse.

I'm trying to find a coherent and logical parenting response to this challenge that my son faces. I want to support him and validate his feelings, while also encouraging him to push past some of his self imposed limitations. So far, swimming lessons has been a non-negotiable since I feel they are a basic safety measure - he has to know how to swim as a life skill.  So for this, I pushed him and told him, "mommy wouldn't have enrolled you if she didn't know that you could do this. Its going to be okay."  I hugged him while he cried before entering the swimming pool and promised him it would be okay and that each lesson would get better.  The most wonderful thing is after the first class, as he also did last year with swimming lessons, he announced, "I had fun.  I won't be scared next time". 

When he has any successess like this, I try and remind him the next time he is fearful, but it doesn't always work.  But it is all about the balancing act of validating his feelings while encouraging reasonable risk taking.  I'm doing the best that I can as a parent and I believe that my son is also doing the best he can in managing his fearfulness.  I'm hoping that his confidence will grow as he masters the same feelings in novel situations over and over.  Of course, it may also be inborn temperment that never leaves him.  At least if he knows himself and learns some coping skills, he should be able to accept this part of himself and still act in ways to enlarge his life.

Good luck to you, Alison's Mom, with your daughter.  If you find any magic words that work with your child, please post them and I'll give them a try, too!

[Alison's Mom]

Thx so much for the insights, Sandy. Yes, the two do sound a lot alike! I like your approach of gentle encouraging and backing off. I have also learned to pick my battles, and accept that she is not like other kids and there will be events that we miss as a result.

She is sometimes ok in new classes, especially if I stay there the whole time, which I generally do. Come to think of it, she was ok at gymnastics even though her friend ended up not being able to attend the same session, and was great at swimming (only her brother and one other kid in the class), but seems unsure at ballet even though a good friend is in the class and she's had the same teacher for about three years. She had a lot of trouble separating from me at preschool, but luckily has been ok with K and Grade 1. I think she likes the routines there.

Normally, I would be the one taking her to parties and classes but it will likely be a few months at least until I am mobile enough to bring her anywhere. I had a talk with dh last night to remind him that she is not doing it to push our buttons and she needs extra support, not threats and punishments. I explained the difference between natural consequences and punishments, and hopefully he got it. I said I would rather teach her some coping mechanisms and coach her through these scenarios rather than getting frustrated with her.

I also had a talk with her yesterday about thinking of 'what's the worst thing that could happen?', but not sure it went over well.

[K1329]

My dd has had issues with shyness in the past. She still does struggle with it, and probably always will, but, thankfully, seems to outgrown the majority of her issues.One technique that worked well for us was to show up early. Be the first to arrive. It was much easier for her to walk into the party when it was quiet and hadn't yet begun. By showing up 5-10 minutes early, she didn't have to walk into a loud, overwhelming situation.

While my dd was battling shyness, and, admittedly hers is not as severe as your dds, I tried to make every party, event, family/friend get-togethre and going on that I could. Tried the full saturation approach. If dd was shy at the beginning, I didn't force, or push her to join in, but, we also didn't leave. Just hung back. After awhile, she usually warmed up and joined in.

How is she doing in school? Is it a big issue for her? It is so hard to watch our little one's struggle with this! I was a shy child, myself, and know how much harder things can be because of it!

[Alison's Mom]

Thanks! I was telling dh about arriving early at parties, as I reme,bered reading that tip elsewhere, and I think that would work really well. Also I like your idea of not leaving but sitting with her and reassuring her so she might join in later. I used to do that with her ballet. . . We would stay and watch the others instead of jyst leaving. Dh just doesn't have the patience and gets mad instead of thinking through what the best solution would be.

She likes school and does well, but does sometimes get nervous if she has to talk in front of the class. She is very eager to please with teachers and is eager to learn, so she is ok there. It helps that most the kids are the same ones since preschool, and that the teachers have all been really nice.

[Alison's Mom]

So there was another party today, this time another good girl friend, and our families are very close, so she knows the parents really well. I told dd that they would get there early so she could play with the birthday girl before other people got there, and she agreed, but still seemed apprehensive about the school friends that she wouldn't know. Dh took both kids about 20 min early, where apparently she was fine, but when people started showing up, she jyst wanted to retreat to the basement with DH, whose patience is really wearing thin with her. He thinks it's ridiculous to sit downstairs with dd, so I think they are leaving early. Ds wanted to go up and join the fun, so I'm not sure what will happen.

What else to try? Luckily, this is the last bday party for a long while now, and hopefully by the time the spring ones come around i'll be well enough to bring her.

[meemee]

Alison's mama, with due respect i would say lay off your dd a little bit. this age is a little hard on your dd. she WILL settle down at some point, but really listen to her and dont push her too hard (not saying you are doing that, not sure if one even knows when too hard is). if we give in to the crying and hold our children, why dont we hold off in trying to be a little more social.

my dd is the complete opposite of yours. however she too has anxiety. deep anxiety enough to cause her mild to severe stomach aches. 

i have myself been in a quandry to reduce this anxiousness... but as they say in hindsight you become more wiser... that's what's happened to me. i have not pushed very hard. and i find dd's anxiety has gone down with age. what she was like at 6 is much different than what was like at 7. at 8 she got worse and then better again. 

please dont expect more than she can give right now. dont force her or even try to do something she is not able to. it increases their anxiety and makes it even more difficult for them to find their land feet. 

i like all the things you are trying. gently, gently. your child is not the only one. she IS a round peg in a square hole. dont try to make her fit. continue to be gentle. what really worked with my dd was talk, talk, talk with her. establish trust. and then advice and allow her to accept or deny the advice. she has denied it a few times till one day she had enough courage to try. but it was she who made the decision and that opened a door, a realisation for her. 

7 and 8 are the times when their conscience develops. before any growth spurt they go thru horendous times. and then boom suddenly they are waaaaay, waaaaay mature. 

if she is already overwhelmed by people even if she lasts for ten minutes at a bday party - i think she is doing great. 

mama please know i am not judging you. being the mama of a unique child who dances to the beat to her own drum, let me say its not easy fighting the social brainwashing of what a child should be. what other children could do at 4/5 my dd finally did at 8 - with high self esteem and full confidence. 

so push - gently and not too much at one time. 

[Alison's Mom]

Thanks meemee. I hear what you're saying about pushing them into things they are not ready for will cause more anxiety. I do hope that things get better as she ages and matures, because this just doesn't seem sustainable.

What would you suggest for family invitations to friends' places? Even though we don't go out a lot, Dh and I would like to socialize with people from time to time, but it's hard when we bring her. I guess we could give her the option of coming with us (and it's ok to be shy but not rude) or she could stay with a sitter while the rest of us go? Although this sounds like a punishment, she would probably choose to stay home so long as she liked the sitter.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Alison's Mom 

What would you suggest for family invitations to friends' places? Even though we don't go out a lot, Dh and I would like to socialize with people from time to time, but it's hard when we bring her. I guess we could give her the option of coming with us (and it's ok to be shy but not rude) or she could stay with a sitter while the rest of us go? Although this sounds like a punishment, she would probably choose to stay home so long as she liked the sitter.

Can you have them over? so she gets familiar with them? because she already has a peaceful place to go to when she is overwhelmed. 

or u could do the sitter thing. see mama the punishment part is where you go wrong. YOU feel like a sitter at your place would be a punishment, but for your dd a known sitter might be HEAVEN. 

is noise a factor? is she 'scared' of all crowded places? could she have extremely sharp hearing that makes loud noises very painful for her? so perhaps big gatherings might just be a painful thing for her right now. she should be getting out of that soon IF that was the case. 

i think mama you HAVE TO do this. you also have to put your family needs first at times too. i think its very important that our children learn that we have a life to that we need to lead. that life does not revolved just around them. obviously dont force it down the throat like a bitter pill, but neither should you completely ignore all the rest of the family. 

i would also start taking her to crowded places little by little. like once or twice a week... if she struggles with that so its not a bday party once in a while and suddenly she has to be there for 2 hours. depending on what money allows - though tis the season for a lot of free events esp. in teh public library all around you. go out together. if you are doing this already then GREAT!!!!

[Alison's Mom]

Thanks. Yes, we have people come over here a lot because it's easier in a lot of ways. However, she can know people really well who invite us over, but I can't control who else they want to invite, especially for bday parties.

We realized when she was 18 months that she was very sensitive to smells, and at two yrs that she didn't like crowds. . . Not sure if it's the noise or just the sheer number of people that she finds overwhelming. She's a bit like I was as a kid, and I work better in small groups, and don't like loud noises or loud music either. She seems ok at malls with lots of strangers, or shows like disney on ice that our sitter took her to on the weekend, so it seems she doesn't like having to interact with new kids especially and also adults in large groups.

At family dinners with large groups, one or both of my parents will often take her aside to play one on one instead of hanging with the whole group.

We'll try the sitter option and see what happens. . .