Comparing

[MamaAsheri]

I have one ds who is 2 1/2 years old. I stay at home with him (and plan to homeschool). Each time i am around other children I compare myself to that parent as in, "look at all they are doing with their kids that I should be doing." I end up feeling terrible and discouraged. Does this happen to anyone else?

[cappuccinosmom]

It's a temptation for me, but I try not to.

It's actually helped to realize that people think *I* do "so much" with my kids, when I really don't.  That gave me the understanding that I may be percieving other people that way, not realizing that the things I see them doing are a small portion of their life and not all that's going on underneath the surface.  Sure, we do crafts here and there, and they're fun, but they're like a 2-3x a month thing, max.  When we have vouchers from school, my older ones will do a 6 week sport program of some sort.  We don't go places 'cause we're poor.  We don't buy a lot of stuff or go shopping 'cause we're poor.  We don't take road trips.  We just stick around home and do our normal, simple, non-exciting stuff.

I was more worried about this when my children were little. Now they are between 3 and 7 years old, and they are happy, healthy, well-rounded, sociable, and *thriving*.  So I no longer feel like they are lacking because we're not crazy-busy running around doing something interesting and exciting every day. 

[maddymama]

I try hard not to compare myself with other moms.  As with cappucinosmom, I've had other moms say I've got it all together, and all I can do is laugh out loud because I am so not together.  My house borders on messy and dirty, it's a constant challenge to keep it semi-decent.  I also recognize that my kids and I do artwork, bake occasionally, and go to playgrounds and stuff because otherwise I'd lose my mind.  But there are so many things I don't do with my kids..... I don't read with them as much as I'd like, I don't do "crafts," make their clothes, stay on top of schoolwork, etc.  We don't make it to the library on a regular basis.   I think it's that you do what you have fun doing with them that counts.  If you are miserable baking with them, don't bake.  If you love to paint, paint with them, know what I mean?

~maddymama

[MamaAsheri]

Yes I see. We are staying with a family right now who has a dd 2 months younger than my ds. She know all her letters. DS doesn't. She sings songs. DS doesn't. She is potty trained. DS isn't. So I start berating myself that I'm not doing enough with him. On top of that my parenting style is attachment and my discipline style is gentle/positive. 99% of the people I know parent the opposite. So back to the family we're staying with this weekend... Her dd goes to childcare (at church). My DS doesn't want to (so I take him to service with me). My DS and I cosleep. Her DD gets laid down in her bed and that is that. And this family is just one example. My MIL stayed with us a few days ago and made comments about both him not being potty trained yet and me lying with him until he falls asleep. It's like little chinks in the armor chipping away at my confidence. Ugh. And I guess I just want to be the best mommy to him ever. He's a great kid and deserves the best and I get scared that I'm failing him.

[cappuccinosmom]

eh.  The long term is what matters. 

With potty training and being verbal, it may be as simple as gender differences.  (I have all boys, all three were slow to begin talking, and slow to potty train.  But even though they did these things later, they are now doing just fine in both areas.  My 5 year old was completely unintelligable until he was 3, but in just two short years he went from that to a fabulous vocabulary that is way beyond what's normal for his age.)

With the other stuff...do you believe that their results are the goal to strive for, and that's why you feel you're not keeping up?  There's no reason a toddler should *want* to go to nursery in order to be healthy and normal.  There's no reason for you to feel like you're failing because he's not potty trained.

You're a fine mommy. :hug  You do what is best for your kid, and your family, and with the goals that you want in mind.  He'll be fine.

[MamaAsheri]

Thanks. I know you're right. I need to look long term. I guess it gets hard being different. Not using babywise or CIO or spanking puts me in freak category with most of my friends. Maybe I just need to make new friends.

[Chicky2]

Originally Posted by MamaAsheri 

Thanks. I know you're right. I need to look long term. I guess it gets hard being different. Not using babywise or CIO or spanking puts me in freak category with most of my friends. Maybe I just need to make new friends.

Well, frankly if those are type of friends you have then, yeah, time for new ones!  I mean, really, your poor, poor little ones, getting snuggled and hugged and not being spanked and ridiculed and left alone to figure it out on their own until they emotionally shut down.  Goodness, you are just terrible.  And the potty learning will come when it's time.  My 4 yo dd really just got it down.  We had a death in the family and things have been crazy, so she started peeing in her pants again.  Now it's fixed, but if anyone had said anything about it, I'd have come unglued.  It is OUR life and our kids, and we know best.

[LynnolaS]

Yes, I do the comparing thing too. Are you a perfectionist? I am, and I was before my son was born-- with him now, the stakes feel sooo high that my perfectionism tends to go crazy at times, and often I find myself comparing my mothering to others' and coming up short. Sometime I try to remember is the phrase "comparing my insides to other peoples' outsides." In other words, it's easy to think someone else has it all together, is the perfect mom, etc., whereas I'm so very aware of all my own flaws. Sometimes I have to sit down and make a list of all the positive things I'm doing/have done to remind myself of them, since I tend to focus on the negative. I'm sure you're doing a much better job than you think, mama!

[kittywitty]

I do this.  I am a horrible perfectionist.  I have lists and plans of things to do but often don't get around to it.  It makes me feel bad.

[MamaAsheri]

Yes finding new friends has crossed my mind.

[MamaAsheri]

Originally Posted by LynnolaS 

Yes, I do the comparing thing too. Are you a perfectionist? I am, and I was before my son was born-- with him now, the stakes feel sooo high that my perfectionism tends to go crazy at times, and often I find myself comparing my mothering to others' and coming up short. Sometime I try to remember is the phrase "comparing my insides to other peoples' outsides." In other words, it's easy to think someone else has it all together, is the perfect mom, etc., whereas I'm so very aware of all my own flaws. Sometimes I have to sit down and make a list of all the positive things I'm doing/have done to remind myself of them, since I tend to focus on the negative. I'm sure you're doing a much better job than you think, mama!

Yes I'm a perfectionist.
Thank you for that quote. I'll remember that. It helps!