I think he's dating...

[Phoenix~Mama]

Okay, I knew this day would come, and likely come soon.  But, ugh!!

So STBX has been spending Saturdays at my house so he can hang out with DS.  Today he didn't eat dinner here and said he was going to a friend's house after he put DD to bed.  He received a phone call and I heard a woman's voice.  I heard him confirm going out.

This has really upset me.  :(  I know he is a major UAV and I'm better off without him, but still...

I think a lot of has to do with I'm feeling so lonely and sad and frustrated doing the challenging newborn thing on my own with a toddler!  I'm losing my mind, and most days I don't even get to eat until 2 in the afternoon.  I'm just not picking up a balancing act yet.

And of course feeling ridiculously unattractive with my saggy breasts with very swollen pulled out nipples due to exclusively pumping, and a maze of stretch marks on my tummy.  I feel like I will never find someone to think me attractive again. 

And I'm ANGRY!  That he can go out and date when I can't even eat and shower in a day?!  Must be nice. 

I know this is a really poor me post... I'm sorry... I'm just hoping someone here understands.  This sucks. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

:hug :hug :hug :hug  (if I knew how to do a big group hug smilie I would!)

You are amazing, and wonderful, and the BEST mama to your babies!!!  You are doing a GREAT job, and have had so many challenges thrown your way that I've been amazed at how well you're doing!!!!!

Really though, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you - b/c to little Riley you are the most beautiful woman in the world - you're mama, and you are EVERYTHING to him!!  You're everything to your little girl too - and you're doing a great job!!!

Do try to eat though - I know it must be hard with 2, but try to eat when you feed your dd breakfast.  Just make more of what you feed her, and eat with her.  It's OK if the little guy has to wait a minute or 2 so you can eat - its SO important to take care of yourself too!!!

[Theia]

I am so sorry.  That must be difficult.  It's not fair at all, I totally get that.  But, you will get through this.  Don't add future worries into the mix of what you are already dealing with everyday.  

[bananabee]

That sucks! I have a 5 month old, and have been going through the same thing - can't shower, can't eat, can't write an email unless she's asleep. Before I left him it used to irk me to no end that he just felt entitled to sit at his computer playing stupid games, drinking a beer, and feeling smug that he wasn't a slave to me or whatever.

It's too bad someone else is in your XH's trap, but that's great he's found a new target.

I bet you're a lot more attractive than you give yourself credit for. I've been feeling yucky about my post-pardum weight-gain. I've gained 40 FREAKING POUNDS since DD was born, and I just seem to keep gaining! My maternity jeans are TIGHT. I can't stand to wear a bra of any kind while nursing. My belly hangs over my pants and my thighs rub together miserably. I want to work out, but I'm too stressed, lethargic, and brain dead to actually do it, plus I hurt my back and it hurts to just walk right now. But I am totally in love with DD and I know nursing her and taking care of her is something that will have lasting effects. She doesn't care what I look like, and the more chub I have, the better for cuddling. Besides, our bodies are only ONE aspect of who we are. People are attracted to us for so many other reasons.

[New_Natural_Mom]

I know what it feels like to feel like your body is wrecked after pregnancy.  I gained 52 lbs with my son.  The weight came off, but I have stretch marks, literally, from my knees to my neck.  I had an emergency c-sec, so I have very wrinkly, weird belly pooch.  And I have major diastasis recti.  Do I feel good about my body?   No.  But my kid was worth it and I just keep telling myself that my physical shell is just a shell.  The real me is inside.

I know the initial reaction of "he's dating again??"  But really, is that woman getting a prize?  NO!  YOU kicked HIM out.  And with good reason.  Isn't it better to be off on your own with 2 kids than living with 3?  Here's the difference between you two.  You ARE in a relationship....with your 2 littles.  As it should be with them so small.  He just keeps going from woman to woman, being the same abusive UAV, making more and more littles and single moms.

You don't need to throw dating into the mix right now.  As you get more settled and comfortable in your routine then you can be open to the possibility of love.  The right person will love you for you...ALL of you. 

Remember when you never thought it was possible to get out.  You did it.  You are better off for it.  This is just the next step that will happen at the right time.

Peace.

[meemee]

ah mama i am so sorry you have to take care of a baby and a hurt heart at teh same time along with a toddler. you really must have your hands full.

please would you promise me you will make sure you eat your meals on time. a proper breakfast, lunch and dinner instead of brunch and dinner. your children only have you. no one else.

i know how hard this can be. please take moments to enjoy your children. just watch them and enjoy them even through your tears.

ex started cheating when dd was 2 months old. he would doll up and walk out the house during the evening. yu p i had brunch at 2 and dinner at 11. how can one nurse and eat.

my mil (my best friend) got on me and made me promise that i ate at a reasonable hour. i had to. she'd call and check up on me.

i hope you have some place to call and vent. interestingly while i had my friends it was my mil and bil who were there like a rock to me, supporting me though everything. i stopped calling about a year later when i heard my mil start crying for me and my bil want to come down and beat his brother up. 7 yaers later i still talk to my mil and bil but they barely talk to their son/bro. honestly without them i dont know how i would have managed.

lots adn lots and lots of love to you mama.

it was a shedding of skin for me mama. i cried, my heart broke into a million pieces. a coworker stayed with me as i pumped because i wept as i pumped. i have buried a brother and father but that pain was nothing. once i was done, oh i was sooo done. life had been hard. but oh man i know i will never ever cry like that for another man EVER. ever again. i gave too much of myself. because i did not meet my own needs. my whole life was taking care of exh and baby. now that i know myself... never again. i like who i am and enjoy my own company. in a sense i am a loner AND a social person. i could totally be alone and have a really good time. once i was done with the crying i have never cried like that EVER again. today all i hold for ex is compassion. yes i can honestly say that. he has his demons and that makes me feel sooo sad for him. even with very little i have such a happy and powerful life. ex is still a tormented soul. he still gives me a hard time but i draw boudaries on that. we rarely speak. all i expect out of him is to be a good father. and even though he dates many women, he takes good care of dd and tries his best. that is ALL i ask of him. took me many years to recover. but recover i did.

[LoveOhm]

The single mom's dating thread each month and the entire blend families section here on MDC is proof that love and romance is possible after having children and the toll that may take on your body and lifestyle.  Know that even happily married women often vent about their DH's ability to have "life as is" after having a baby.

I know this will seem like odd advice but I suggest joining a gym with childcare a priority as soon as your youngest is of age to go into the childcare room.  Many places that is 3 - 6 months.  Working out gives your energy to play and care for you little ones and will help with positive self-esteem.  Also EAT yes make eating a priority.  I was/am really bad at eating which shows in my energy levels.  What I do now is make a all fruit smoothie in the mornings for breakfast - these are super easy to make.  Then have big lunch (large salad and soup or a half sandwich) and a small dinner that I eat with dd.  When I was nursing I kept a nibble tray stocked like Dr. Sears suggest and would nibble on healthy snacks while I nursed.

Good luck mama!  Know you are not alone.

[JunipersMom]

I feel you momma - I was suddenly single with a three month old and a three year old - and now that they are 5 and 2.. honestly it is all a blur! I finally feel like I'm coming out of the haze and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It was tough, lonely and ever changing... BUT now we are strong, my children are confident in my love and stability, and I've begun dating and found that my body is beautiful to more than my nursling! :) We all want things fixed now - but what great life lessons for us (and our children) that sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing to do. If you have a hard time with his dating - maybe a bit more space and boundries need to be put in place. And I had found that many other single mothers in my area felt like I did - so I did start calling people who said "call me if you need anything" and they did come over so I could jump in the shower - or empty the dishwasher...

Big Hugs momma..

[lilyka]

((((hug))))

It sucks.  On so many levels.

[DeerMother]

My x is currently vacationing in Mexico and on his second or third gf. We split in May. I find it so interesting (eyeroll) that he called me today to tell me he has seen the error if his ways and misses me and our family. Neat. Should have thought of that when...

I'm struggling to keep my head above water too. I know it's hard to take it a day at a time when you are up around the clock and probably don't know what day it actually is. How about one hour at a time? Just get through this hour before you worry about the next.

Lots of hugs.

[Phoenix~Mama]

You ladies are all amazing.  :hug  There is so much strength in this forum.  Thank you for sharing your stories with me.  I will try to take one hour at a time.  I have my counseling appointment today, thank God! 

[doubledutch]

i'm sorry.  i understand why it's upsetting even though you don't remotely want him back. 

on taking care of yourself - you've been putting yourself last for a long time.  your little ones are counting on you to take care of yourself, so that you can take care of them.  it's okay if they have to wait, or if they cry for a few minutes, as long as everyone is basically safe.  if you can get a quick shower and eat an egg, my goodness, you will feel so much better.  i know how impossible it can seem with a newborn and a toddler, so i can only barely imagine how it that is compounded with a preemie and pumping and recovering and single and not in the most supportive living situation.  please don't take my words as judgment.  if i were there, i would make you breakfast and take your dd out for a walk so you could nap with ds.  i'm sorry you're not getting the loving care that you need and deserve.  :Hug 

[kryztuh]

Just wanted to offer some .  I have a 6 week old and a 2 year old and the days that I don't get a shower and don't eat and don't get a break are the worst end-of-the-world days.  I don't know how I'm going to manage when my maternity leave is up and I have to get ready in the morning with the kiddos, but I guess somehow I will and you will too. 

[Chantelle691]

You are so incredibly strong and amazing.  You're going to come out of this so much better off.  If you want someone, you'll find someone.

I'm 3 years out of my divorce and happily, happily alone, and loving every second of it.  Rely on the people around you to get you through this rough patch. Big hugs to you.

[provocativa]

i know for me, 'rely on the people around you' doesn't really work, because my abusive xh socially isolated us- not by telling me who to see, but just by being such a u a v . . . . so years with him left me with no support network.  and i know your parents, while letting you live with them, are not supportive.  it just sucks.

do know that my stomach was a mess mess after my second. . . . weird poochy saggy thing and i was a size 18 (and i'm very short).  but now i am the same size as i was when i got married (12), without much working out and no dieting, just targeted vitamin and mineral supplements like i post about ad infinitum.  my tummy is still a bit saggy, but i'm studying supplements for that now.  i looked pretty normal when dd2 was 2 years old.  she's 4 now.  i just don't think we're all meant to look pre-pg a few months out.  the rich and famous have personal trainers, chefs, and most do not breastfeed.  blathering as usual, but. . . . the tummy thing will get better, it just takes time.  bodies heal at their own rates, and bodies dealing with c-ptsd like ours heal more slowly.

[ishereal]

LAWWWWD!!!! I have btdt, listen mama for me it was my ex going back to his first child's mother within a week and a half of us breaking up, I must have lost my mind and felt all types of crazy but it was for the better, he is an x for a reason, pm me if you need to talk because I empathize with you but this too shall pass honey :) *hugs*