New baby, how to prepare

[kriket]

DS is 18m, #2 is due in July (yeah, we just found out!) I'm thinking about things to do over the pregnancy to get DS used to the idea of being a big brother. I have read a couple things that say things like get them used to walking places, not to talk about babies negatively, like "this baby is killing me" or "don't act like a baby"

I've thought about getting him a babydoll, but he has a stuffed rabbit and couldn't care less about it.

any BTDT? good ideas?

[babymango]

My son is going to be 17 months when DD is born.  It's hard to explain anything at this age, but I try...  I got a doll for me to use as a "real" baby.  I hold her, pretend to nurse her, set her down and ask DS to be quiet because she's sleeping...  Just doing the things I will do with his sister

[redvlagrl]

DD was 18 mths when DS was born. She had no interest at all in her stuffed toys/dolls until after he was born. Now she likes to wrap them up in blankets, wear them, etc etc.

My brother gave me some great advice and it worked for us and him (his DS was 3 when his DD was born). You always describe the baby as "your baby brother/sister", not "the baby" or describe them as being the big brother/sister. That way they feel they are important. I also make sure I point out when DD is making DS happy. I'll say "look - he's smiling at you! He loves lookign at you!". We have had no problems with jealousy.

Though we have had some issues with DD only wanting me to do things for her rather than DH. She's pretty much over it now (baby is 6 mths)

[tzs]

Originally Posted by redvlagrl 

My brother gave me some great advice and it worked for us and him (his DS was 3 when his DD was born). You always describe the baby as "your baby brother/sister", not "the baby" or describe them as being the big brother/sister. That way they feel they are important. I also make sure I point out when DD is making DS happy. I'll say "look - he's smiling at you! He loves lookign at you!". We have had no problems with jealousy.

this is also what my SIL does. it's not "the baby" it's "your baby." 

she also has an interesting technique in that she doesn't prepare them at all....doesn't even tell them. of course the older ones figure it out so it does trickle down a bit and they do know. but she has a theory that preparing a kid just builds up this excitement that a new baby is going to be this new awesome thing and in reality, for a little kid, it's not (crying, loss of attention, baby doesn't "do" anything...really, what's in it for a little kid?.) so by preparing them you're just building them up for a big letdown which will make them resentful.

she's got 5 kids fighting for her attention but i've never really seen jealousy so it may just work.

[Marissamom]

DD is 18 months and we're due in March. mostly we've been talking about babies a lot. talking about how there's a baby in mama's belly and that's why it's getting so big, and when baby is big enough the baby is going to come out and live with us, and won't that be fun (she loves babies, so that makes it easier). we also try to spend time with real babies, so she's getting good at being gentle with babies, and she understands that babies nurse, so hopefully that will help, as we're going to be tandeming. we watched the movie babies together, and I pointed out the older brothers, and talked about how she is going to be big sister when the baby comes. 

[OkiMom]

I never really do anything to prepare.. DD1 was 22 months when DD2 came along and we just talked about it as if it was a normal thing (which it is) and went on about our business. I don't stress about it. DD1 was awesome when DD2 was born and is still (mostly) a great big sister.. Now DD1 will be 4ish and DD2 will be 26ish months when DS comes around. We did the same thing, they "found out" same time DH did because I just announced it to everyone. DD1 can't wait though, she LOVES babies.. Asks me if we can keep them when I babysit, wants to give babies kisses, asks for a baby doll (hers got recalled and Ive yet to replace it.. its been a couple of years, Im going to remedy that soon), tries to "share" her toys with "her baby". Shes already told me what outfits the baby is wearing and will tell everyone how to take care of the baby "you have to be real quiet and give baby lots of time with mommy to eat.. baby needs to be with mommy all the time.. when baby gets big baby can play with me" DD2 couldn't care less. Im more worried about her than DD1 because she is a mommy's girl, can't sleep without me, freak if I leave, needs me to take her to the potty etc.. SO Im a tad worried about her..

I do have to say I wish I had taught DD1 to wait a little before I had the baby. I had a rough recovery so wearing the baby and doing things with DD1 wasn't as easy and I needed a ton of breaks in the beginning. DD1 was/is pretty impatient and she had never been taught to wait.. Thats one thing Im not worried about anymore since the girls are use to having to wait while i take care of the other one.

[globe-trotter]

Originally Posted by tzs 

 

she also has an interesting technique in that she doesn't prepare them at all....doesn't even tell them. of course the older ones figure it out so it does trickle down a bit and they do know. but she has a theory that preparing a kid just builds up this excitement that a new baby is going to be this new awesome thing and in reality, for a little kid, it's not (crying, loss of attention, baby doesn't "do" anything...really, what's in it for a little kid?.) so by preparing them you're just building them up for a big letdown which will make them resentful.

she's got 5 kids fighting for her attention but i've never really seen jealousy so it may just work.

I would be a little careful with this approach. My parents did this with me and there was TONS of issues with me and my younger brother (yep I was the bad one LOL). I still believe this is one of the main reason we still don't like each other we never could bond because as far as I was concerned this baby just came home one day and changed my life. And I should add to that.... I wasn't told ANYTHING (I was 4yrs old!). So there was no negative or positive hype...but at the same time there was no warning I would have to share my parents and that my life would drastically change due to the new addition. So I think at least a little heads up but not over doing would be better than nothing at all.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by babymango 

My son is going to be 17 months when DD is born.  It's hard to explain anything at this age, but I try...  I got a doll for me to use as a "real" baby.  I hold her, pretend to nurse her, set her down and ask DS to be quiet because she's sleeping...  Just doing the things I will do with his sister

My son will be 15-16 mos when dd arrives.

Does he seem to respond to the doll? I've tried using a stuffed animal, without much success. I've taught him to point at my belly and say bee-bee (which is the same word he uses for bottle, my parents dog, his paci...). I've heard a lot of people tell me about preparing, that i should arranged playdates with smaller children, etc. It seems so futile. All I"ve seemed to teach him, is that mama is getting a new belly button come january.

So.... we've been preparing in other ways. DH sleeps with DS now on a bed on the floor. Beacause of SPD, DH does a lot of the baby care/rough housing, and DS seems to accept that. We've been encouraging him to spend more time at the grandparents, and we've done one 'sleepover' (grandma slept over at our place). We've created a space for him at grandma's (place to sleep, diaper changes, rocker), in anticipation of him spending more time over there. We are considering keeping our current sitter for the same hours for a few weeks pp, and dh is taking more time off than he did last time. Basically, we are trying to change his routine now, so his needs can be met by other's after the (newer) baby comes.

It sounds like my son might be a little less mature than some of your DC's.

[Marissamom]

Originally Posted by globe-trotter 

Originally Posted by tzs 

 

she also has an interesting technique in that she doesn't prepare them at all....doesn't even tell them. of course the older ones figure it out so it does trickle down a bit and they do know. but she has a theory that preparing a kid just builds up this excitement that a new baby is going to be this new awesome thing and in reality, for a little kid, it's not (crying, loss of attention, baby doesn't "do" anything...really, what's in it for a little kid?.) so by preparing them you're just building them up for a big letdown which will make them resentful.

she's got 5 kids fighting for her attention but i've never really seen jealousy so it may just work.

I would be a little careful with this approach. My parents did this with me and there was TONS of issues with me and my younger brother (yep I was the bad one LOL). I still believe this is one of the main reason we still don't like each other we never could bond because as far as I was concerned this baby just came home one day and changed my life. And I should add to that.... I wasn't told ANYTHING (I was 4yrs old!). So there was no negative or positive hype...but at the same time there was no warning I would have to share my parents and that my life would drastically change due to the new addition. So I think at least a little heads up but not over doing would be better than nothing at all.

I do agree that a child should be told there's going to be a baby coming. we're trying to keep the talk at our house more neutral, rather than pos or neg, but I do think that kids react better to a new sibling if they know that there will be a new sibling.