What do I tell my son about his father?

[MamitaM]

He doesn't have one. My x boyfriend hasn't called me since I told him that I was pregnant. He hasn't had any contact with me at all,but I've sent him an e-mail with my sons due date. My son is now 2 month old (today actually) so my x boyfriend should assume the baby has been born by now. I have a feeling that he won't be calling me at all. I'm ok with this,but what do I tell my son? I don't want to have my son angry with me someday for not trying harder to tell his father that he was born,but I really just don't feel like telling him now. I think he should call me and ask about him and show an interest and be a father. Have I done my part in trying to let him know or do I really need to call or e-mail him and announce the birth of my son?

[Learning_Mum]

If it were me personally I would probably send him one more email announcing the birth, date, time, weight etc. Let him know how your son is doing, attach a photo and let him know that you would be happy for him to be in his sons life.

That would be it. I have a feeling he wouldn't reply anyway but at least you know that you made the offer. He knows about your son and how he is doing and that the ball was now in his court. At least that way, if your son asks when he's older you can honestly tell him that you invited his Dad into his life but that he chose not to be a part of it.

That's what I'd do anyway. YMMV

[mahna_mahna]

I would be honest with your son in a way that doesn't condemn his father. Such as, "He wasn't ready to be a father" or something of that nature as opposed to, "He's a deadbeat and I hate him." That's how I talk to my son, who is three, when he asks about it on occasion. (Clarification, I realized how that sounded now. LOL. When my son asks where he is now, I talk to him in an age appropriate manner. Such as, "He's probably at home or something." The idea to have is how would YOU want to be told? I know that I would probably hold a lot more resentment towards my mother or father if they were forcing their opinions on me. It's hard to do. Not going to lie. Sometimes, all I want to do is yell about how much of an idiot my son's father is. But at the same time, I want him to be able to form his own opinion on the matter so that he can someday come to me and say something like, "Gee, Mom, you are a really cool chick to put up with that." Hehe.

[smeep]

IMO, you've done your part in letting him know. So long as he knows how to contact you, your hands are clean in my opinion. You've done your part...the ball is in his court. But I do agree with what a PP said about sending an email letting him know the baby was born. And you could always add in a part saying, "Due to your absence, I will no longer be contacting you to update you on our son. However, I will be more than happy to answer any questions you have, but I will not be contacting you unless you contact me first." Meh...I worded it a lot better with DS's biodad (I blame it on my pregnancy brain, haha)....but you get the idea. Basically, I won't be going out of my way to contact you but if have no problem talking to you if YOU want to.

Are you planning on filing for child support? I think it's a very good idea. DS's biodad has never met DS, which is fine by me, but I went to court and got child support. For one, because he doesn't get to just bail on the financial aspect, but a bonus is that it essentially proves that I did make sure he knew he had a kid and that it was 100% his decision to back out (when they did basic custody during the mediation, he actually said he didn't want it at all, but they put it in the order "just in case he changed his mind" which, almost 5 years later, he has not). 

As for what to tell your son, my DS has not asked about his biodad. But my sister gave me some very good tips. Her daughter's biodad is also not around (has never met her, doesn't care, pays child support once in a blue moon, etc.)...my sister has approached it along the lines of, "Being a parent is a VERY big responsibility and it means being very grownup. He wasn't ready for the responsibility of a baby." I plan to use the same thing with DS. And I have a feeling it will come up very soon, especially with the possibility (which I'm actually hoping for) of this baby's biodad not having anything to do with baby. However you do it, definitely make it known that it was HIS decision but don't make him out to be the bad guy...ya know? When you make the other parent out to be "bad" it can go so many ways. But your son IS technically half of his biodad. So if you essentially say his biodad is "bad" then there's every chance he will think, "Well if he's bad, and I'm half him, does that make me bad too?" Our children are only HALF us, they are also half their biodad, so you never want them to think like that (at least, not until they're old enough to understand everything better).

[MamitaM]

"Well if he's bad, and I'm half him, does that make me bad too?"

This is something I hope my son never feels so I'm all ready very careful about what I say about his father.

I'm not going to file for support. I'm to scared that if he knows I have a son he'll come after me for custody and make things ugly for me.

He knows how to contact me by phone,text and e-mail and even facebook. Well actually on facebook I blocked his account,but he can still find me there easily enough. So if he does contact me then I'll tell him,but for now I'll leave it.

[smeep]

Originally Posted by MamitaM 

"Well if he's bad, and I'm half him, does that make me bad too?"

This is something I hope my son never feels so I'm all ready very careful about what I say about his father.

I'm not going to file for support. I'm to scared that if he knows I have a son he'll come after me for custody and make things ugly for me.

He knows how to contact me by phone,text and e-mail and even facebook. Well actually on facebook I blocked his account,but he can still find me there easily enough. So if he does contact me then I'll tell him,but for now I'll leave it.

What exactly makes you think he'll go after you for support? Is there a reason why you think he would get custody? Generally speaking, in MOST cases where custody is decided along with child support, it's usually a basic "every Wednesday evening, every other weekend" with no overnights for nursing babies. Unless there's a specific reason (i.e., you are incapable for whatever reason), it's EXTREMELY unlikely that he would get any more visitation than the standard. (That said, this is coming from someone who is weary of filing for child support with this new baby because I am scared of a custody battle, but that's not because I think he would get more than the standard, but that I refuse to let him even have the standard visitation - I don't want ANY unsupervised visitation, based on his history.)

[MamitaM]

He said some things to me while we we were dating that I didn't like. It made me think he'd lie just to get custody and try and make me look bad. He also really believes that a child should have two parents and he can provide that and right now I can't,he has a lot in the way of family support and I don't. I'm afraid that some would see me as unfit simply b/c I'm not working and have trouble keeping jobs very long :( and I have some debt (that I'm paying down) and I live in a very small apartment. I know these things don't make me an unfit mother though,it's just  a fear that I have.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by MamitaM 

He said some things to me while we we were dating that I didn't like. It made me think he'd lie just to get custody and try and make me look bad. He also really believes that a child should have two parents and he can provide that and right now I can't,he has a lot in the way of family support and I don't. I'm afraid that some would see me as unfit simply b/c I'm not working and have trouble keeping jobs very long :( and I have some debt (that I'm paying down) and I live in a very small apartment. I know these things don't make me an unfit mother though,it's just  a fear that I have.

So, custody battles are pretty long and drawn out, and they require more than just hearsay to get custody of a child.  Lies are one thing, but if the person telling them can't back them up with PROOF, well, they're screwed (just ask my ex - he told everyone I was crazy and I got sole custody cause it wasn't true - the court battle was long and drawn out enough that it got to a point where he couldn't go to trial b/c he'd already dug himself a hole and couldn't fill it in).

Also, I live in a VERY small apartment - jr.1 bedroom in NYC with my 22mo.  We make it work.  You do need to figure out how to hold a job though - childcare is not cheap, and neither are kids. 

Oh yeah, and children need two parents is true I think.  HOWEVER - a person who has lots of family support cannot provide a child with 2 parents unless they also include the childs other PARENT.  That was another of my ex's arguments - "My mom and I are ds's primary care givers."  Umm.....BS - his mom was the BABYSITTER, not a parent figure.  The court saw right through that argument as well (he also tried to tell the judge that I didn't want ds.  Ummm....that didn't get him very far either.)

Oh yeah, and as for being unfit, he's got LOTS to overcome in that department, b/c fit parents DO NOT go many months without even trying to contact the other parent to see if the child was born.  I mean really, he's made ZERO effort to even TRY to be a parent, and you're afraid they'll think YOU are unfit?  You didn't dump the baby at the firestation and abandon him and are now trying to get the baby back - you carried him to term (or close) and have been caring for him since he was born.  So long as the baby is healthy, and you aren't living in an unsafe apartment (if CPS does get called for any reason you need to have a crib even if you don't use it), you're fine.

[MamitaM]

I'm just really worried about what he'll do and I don't want to have any added stress if he does lie or do something that causes trouble. I know that I'm not unfit and I know that my apartment is safe and clean and my son has the basics. I know my place is small,but it's well organized and clean and I'm also going to make sure we have regular play dates when he's bigger so he can have a bigger play space to crawl around in. I know these things,but I still have the fears.