Open letter to close family and friends?

[nicolelynn]

Has anyone written an open letter to close family and friends about what to expect being involved in the lives of your foster-adopt children?

I just feel like I am reading so many books, etc...and foster-adopt children and parenting can be so different from having a biological family...it would help as a bullet point for them?

Maybe I am sounding impersonal, I love them and happy answering questions...but does this idea sound at all reasonable if no one has actually done it? Did anyone have a sit down talk with each of them just before foster-adopting?

They already basically understand we cannot (would never even if we could) spank (even though almost all of them disagree with us), but aren't familiar with gentle/positive discipline, time "ins", etc. Also how they are so wonderful and willing to help with and babysit the kids...but for a period of time they need to attach to us. We need to feed, change and hold them (even big kids). They vaguely understand behavioral problems they may have, but I don't know. And mind you, this is only for a handful of close family and friends...I don't feel the need to explain myself and air out issues our kids may have to any random person.

A lady in our foster-parenting class said it worked out well for them that her Mom and sister were there when the adoption worker was talking about some of these things (that only they could hold/feed her for a few weeks), so they took it much better hearing it from the worker.

What I can't quite put into a letter is how choosy we have to be about who we will actually let watch our kids. Not only do the adults have to be live scanned/background checked (unless it is a once in a blue moon event) but since most of our family and friends practice corporal punishment, we can't and aren't allowed to let our kids be around that. I am down to mostly my Mom..even though we were spanked she has no kids in the home now and respects/supports our decisions. I may even choose a certain friend that rarely spanks (and would respect to never do it around my kids) over my close sister-in-law, who though I love and is so willing to help thinks it is her God-given responsibility to spank my niece on the spot. Or even worse, I may gravitate towards the parents in our foster class as we have fast become a tight knit group. Don't worry, we are slowly working on everyone to dispel this mis-interpretation of scripture and get everyone to practice gentle discipline for their kids sake AND so we don't have to walk on pins and needles with all this haha. But in the mean time....

I don't know...

[nicolelynn]

And I will count my blessings that are all SO supportive of us in this, I am thankful for that. So we already have a head start over not having support.

[Tigerchild]

Hmmm...

I think that having a letter/FAQ that would explain what questions are most likely to be asked might be a good idea--more as a launching point than anything else.  I would try to keep it very to the point though, not go off into parenting philosophy.

So...you could explain why a) not everyone is going to be able to babysit--because there are certain rules and expectations from your agency;  b) no, you're not going to tell them about the biofamily because that information is confidential, and even after you adopt you may choose to keep things private--or not, but it will be on a need to know basis;  c) when you get the kids, it's going to look different from bringing home a new baby, and here's how;  d) what you need/what others can do to help you; e) please respect our feelings and refrain from telling us your horror stories/going on and on about how grateful your child should be/telling you how wonderful you are for doing this/whatever you think might be annoying to you...or whatever else you anticipate needing to be in there.  I would make it adoption and process/procedure specific though--if you go on an anti-spanking or AP tangent people will likely tune it out, esp. if you've discussed that sort of thing with them before and they've rejected it.

Whn you have the conversations, they will have at least some base of knowledge and you won't have to reinvent the wheel every time--but, I wouldn't expect that everyone will read/understand/absorb what's in that letter either.  A lot of times people see what they want to see and ignore the rest, or they get overly snippy about something you said (that was their interpretation and not at all what you meant), ect.

To be honest, why can't you put in the letter what you wrote above?  It's nothing personal--you are just forbidden to use corporal punishment with the kids while you are fostering, and you are forbidden from putting them in an environment where they will have to witness it.  You can even say it's not personal--it's just the rules.  So people need to keep that in mind if they believe they would like to "help out" with child care.  I actually think that for many people, that's an easier thing to accept (Oh, I need to agree not to spank my kid while I'm over with the other kids, because if I do it means I could jepordize Nicolynn's placement) in that context than is "OMG Nicolynn doesn't want me to spank my kid because it offends her, she's one of those weird AP people who wants to tell everyone else how to raise their kids, well, she's not going to tell me what to do with MY kid..."

[Marcimama]

Just writing about the spanking/discipline stuff...

Are you concerned that family or friends that watch your child would actually spank your child? 

We come from a similar sounding family and upbringing you have described and we've NEVER have even come close to a place where friends or family would or could spank our children. It just doesn't happen like that. Most people will be very happy NOT to spank a child... even ones that support corperal punishment. I think spanking a child makes most people feel uncomfortable. At least that is what we've seen. Other people most often feel uncomfortable disciplining other peoples kids (even time outs and stuff like that), and I think it is suppose to be that way... parental trust and authority are big deals.  That said, I think it is good to give sitters tools to use... time outs or ins and even rewards for good behavior that they can encourage a child with. 

Even with my parents that are totally typical spankers, out of respect for our parental authority they wouldn't spank our children. Furthermore, I think all you need to tell them (or any sitter) is, if you are having problems (describe a typical situation) please call us and we will walk you though what we want you to do... if in doubt. 

[Smithie]

Yeah, I'm confused if it's actually a RULE that a foster-adopt child will never witness a spanking, or just your preference. Either way is OK, but you need to be honest about it with your potential caregivers. 

A meeting of you, Mom, and SIL with the worker might be very useful. Possibly more useful than a letter, if you can trust SIL to go home and lay it out for her spouse in a way that he will be receptive to. Nobody, regardless of their own philosophy of discipline, wants to jeopardize your placement. If that's really what this is about, then LEAVE IT AT THAT and save the philosophical debate for when you've got the government out of your lives. 

[nicolelynn]

Yeah, to clarify all my close family and friends understand we cannot/will not spank. They would NEVER spank our foster kids, I trust them in that. As PP mentioned, I am not sure if it is a rule that foster children never witness a spanking (even hear it from another room), but since you obviously could not spank your other children at all it makes logical sense that they don't want these kids experiencing that trauma at all. So the discomfort is more explaining to them that if they wish to babysit they cannot spank their own children while my children are there. Not even in the other room. And that messes with their philosophy that they need to discipline on the spot.

I guess I came up with this idea because I have always expressed myself better in writing when it came to difficult issues. I think I will go ahead with this idea, as PP mentioned...as a starting point. It may make the actual conversations easier.

[Smithie]

"...since you obviously could not spank your other children at all it makes logical sense that they don't want these kids experiencing that trauma at all. So the discomfort is more explaining to them that if they wish to babysit they cannot spank their own children while my children are there."

It might make logical sense, but don't assume that it is thus the rule. We are talking about a government agency, after all. My foster/adopt training made it crystal clear that while spanking of foster kids was not allowed, spanking of other children in the home/daycare was not only legal but common. You need to get clear on this issue for your particular case, because your caregivers deserve an honest answer about whether or not their personal philosophy of discipline jeopardizes your placement. They may be OK with changing their ways if it's a matter of law, but less OK with it if it's just your personal preference. That's how I'd feel, anyway - I'd paint all my kids green to avoid losing a potential niece or nephew, but beyond that, I have little patience for people who ask me to watch their kid and then try to tell how I should change my ways in order to provide a better environment for said kid. (And in fairness, none of my relatives have ever paired a babysitting request with an attempt to change my house rules, but a friend did once.)

[krisnic]

When our kiddo came to us, I sent a message out to close family and friends (on facebook, kept it informal) about how J was with us and that we didn't want to get into why, as it's his story, but that it was better he be with us right now. I also asked for them not to ask about his family or such or why he was living with us. I told J that I did this as well, and he was most appreciative. He is also not a baby, so this probably doesn't apply to you, but the letter went over well with both families and we have had no issues.

[nicolelynn]

In CA when we sign the "no corporal punishment" agreement it INCLUDES the pledge to not spank your bio children, either. They also talk a lot about the newish "prudent parenting" concept. Like, if someone babysits once in a blue moon they don't need to have a Livescan and background check, only for ongoing caregivers. This exception is new. So since they haven't specifically said this is a rule (and I will ask in my homestudy), I guess it might be in that category. But if we have older children placed with them I don't want them around that potential trauma trigger, so that is my rule as well. 

[Sierra]

I wish I had thought to do a letter...back when...

I think it is a good idea.