I did something stupid.

[tireesix]

With the pain I have been experienceing recently and difficulties in a social sense (inability to make close friends, we are poor due to neither DH nor I being able to work) and then this stupid thing with my disability status and a rubbish doc who decided I need no physical help at all, I have been feeling low. I wake up every mornign anyway wishing I wasn't here but I get past it, I know a lot of my feelings are down to pain but its made everything else so much worse.

I am tired, I am in so much pain, I am struggling, I don't know how to go on like this but I kept going, ya know. I fight the suicidal/self harm thoughts and I have been fighting them and succeeding for a long time, until last night. I hurt myself. I can only tell you folks, surely my DH wil notice??? I am scared, I am gutted, why??????? After doing so well for so long, why now???? I barely remember doing it, I was taken over again and I hate that loss of control and I strive for control because this is what happens when I lose it.

What gets me through every day, what stops me from hurting myself is my children, I just can't believe I let go last night.

I don't even know if I am going to post this.

I am already on anti depressants, already getting counselling (although the counselling is supposed to be helping me accept being disabled and to be honest, we aren't getting far because I am still so angry about everything, the pain, the crap treatment I received for so long, the fact that had I gotten better treatment I might not be like this now, had I been diagnosed sooner, I would have reconsidered having children (all 3 have EDS and one of them suffers quite badly with pain etc from it).

In fact, I am FURIOUS.

And to then have some piece of crap Doctor come into my house, treat me like I am a scrounger, nose around my house and make nasty comments, jeez, life is difficult enough!!!!!!!!!! I mean, we ahrdly get any sodding help, we have no family or friends nearby (ok, so I have a couple of friends but they are disabled).

We have had a difficult year and I have had enough, thats it, I am broken, done in, enough, I just can't do it anymore, what the hell do people want from me??????

And then, to top it all off, I finally took another sleeping tablet so I could just forget it all and go to sleep (first one didn't work), DH comes up and it turns out his ex has emailed him BEGGING for us to take his son back because she can't cope with his behaviour. We had the social worker wanting us to take him back a few weeks a go but his mum wouldn't allow it because that meant giving up money. What can I do????? I can't stop him from living here and I won't because I CANNOT allow myself to get in the way of this simply because I feel like crap and can't cope (having said that, the girls are not in school today because I couldn't get up due to pain, that sucks bad enough).

What do I do?????

I have been moving on, moving on, I just keep going because if I stop, I fall and when I fall, its bad., but I am out of energy now, I just don't know what to do.

I gotta go lie down, my back is killing........................

[PoppyMama]

I don't have anything helpful but I didn't want to read and not at least offer a hug :hug.  It sounds like you and your dh are dealing with a lot.  

[Surfacing]

Hey Mama, I'm not sure what your physical pain is caused by from your post... are you getting treatment for the physical pain? It's incredibly draining to live in pain all the time... I saw a poster in my pdoc's office about Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction being helpful for people with chronic pain. Jon Kabat-Zinn is the author of a book, "The Full Catastrophe" that has strategies for living with pain (and anxiety, depression, etc).

Anyway. You weren't asking for resources. I'm offering a supportive hug and I hear you that you are feeling lonely, in pain, and in despair right now.

Remember, you are not your feelings. Your feelings come and go. This will pass. You can watch your feeling float by and return your thoughts to a safe place, like watching your breathing. Don't try to control your breath, let it be. It carries on in stillness, deep down like the still waters deep in the ocean, even though waves are rolling up top. You have still waters in your deep wavy ocean.

Cutting yourself is one option you have for dealing with stress and pain. Did you feel better after? Now the thing is, cutting doesn't really help remove any of your problems. Does it add to them? Maybe. It happened, it's over. I hope you will tell your counsellor about it though. Did your husband notice? If so, what did he say? Does he tend to be supportive of you?

You don't need to change everything right now in order to feel better. Sometimes a small change can make a big difference. How is your self-care right now, Mama? Are you eating well, getting out in the fresh air and sun everyday, taking a multi-vitamin? Are you giving yourself a few minutes of loving care everyday?

What do you wish? What do you need right now? I wonder if you took care of yourself for a few days, made yourself some nourishing nutritious food, had some rest and peace, epsom salt bath.... some positive, loving thoughts.... these may help you get back on your feet a little bit. Not sure, just saying in case it helps.

This will not last forever Mama. :hug

ETA - please do talk to your doctor and family about your suicidal thoughts. I am worried about you and do not want you to do something to harm yourself further. You need some help right now.

[tireesix]

I haven't told anyone about the cutting and have hidden it pretty well so no one knows. Doc did increase my anti depressants though.

Cutting didn't help, but I seemed to just revert back to old times, I couldn't cope, I didn't know how to cope, I still don't. I just feel bad.

Suicidal feelings, mostly down to the pain, I think, I am not functioning well with it or the fatigue, however, I did have a lignocaine infusion on Weds which has taken some of the edge off. I think that mainly, I am real low on energy at the moment, it takes up a lot to keep going ya know and then I just run low and I am always vulnerable when I am running low.

Funny thing though, I got this cold sore, HUGE, both sides of my lip, I look like someone whos botox went wrong.......... Gotta see the funny side of life right???

I am being treated for the pain but its not always affective (lots of people seem to think that you take morphine, whatever, and it sorts your pain out like magic, it doesn't, pain keeps going, keeps gnawing away, keeps taking and you end up with less to give and you don't want to be touched, you don't want to be close to people and all of a sudden, everything starts melting down around you).

I am scarred enough, physically, from my past, I didn't want this, so i don't know why I thought it ok this time? Maybe I just figured that no one notice amongst the rest of it.

Thank you!!!