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When you cook, does spouse do the dishes (or at least the pots?), and/or vice versa? - Page 2

Poll Results: Does your partner do dishes if you cooked?

  • 5% (7)
    No, s/he doesn't have time
  • 29% (36)
    No, it's just my job as the at-home parent
  • 29% (36)
    Yes, we try to have the one who didn't cook do the dishes
  • 14% (17)
    Yes, we usually both help with dishes regardless of who cooked
  • 20% (25)
121 Total Votes  
post #21 of 58

No.  There was never a decision made for this-he used to help and just stopped.  

post #22 of 58

Our situation is generally that I wash up the breakfast and lunch dishes during the day, and when I cook dinner (which is most evenings) DH will almost always wash up then.  We don't have a dishwasher.  This is the result of some negotiation - DH originally insisted, like the OP's husband, that because I was the SAHM it was all 'my job'. 


I used to just let the dishes from the day pile up and do one big wash.  DH hates that, so our compromise is for me to do the day's dishes, so he only has the dinner ones to do.  He doesn't really do anything else in the way of housework though, except cooking occasionally - which he is quite good at!

post #23 of 58
Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom View Post

Well, addressing your situation first--if he wants them done in the evening, he should do them.  You do them eventually.  But if it bothers him that much, he should take care of it himself.


Now, for us...

I do the dishes most of the time.  When I am pregnant, usually by the time I get supper on the table, I'm whooped, and need to lie down, so dh takes care of the dishes then.  He will also do them if he doesn't have other work to do.  It's technically "my job" and I'd never insist that he has to do them for "fairness" (because he already works way more and way harder than I), but I am grateful when he does them.


post #24 of 58

Currently I do it all mostly because DH works long hours and does his fair share in other ways. If he had more downtime I would expect more but I am also sure he would pitch in more. Mostly it is me with my butt on the couch while the kids are in bed while he is still working.

post #25 of 58

 Our rule is that the person who cooked ALSO does the dishes. This is b/c I'm a neat cook, my husband is really sloppy. I do dishes as I cook, while he waits until the end. This just works out better for us.

post #26 of 58

I chose the 2nd option, but I really wish the 3rd option was true for me.  I usually don't get around to doing the dishes until some time the next day though.

post #27 of 58

My husband and I both agreed when we got married that he would work and I would do the vast majority of the inside house-work.  I would say that I do the cooking and dishes 99% of the time, but he will gladly help if I ask him.  He's NEVER said anything like, "it's my job" and I don't think he ever would.   He does a lot for the family and is always busy with some sort of project.  It's a give, give relationship. :)

post #28 of 58

I voted "both help with dishes regardless of who cooks". DH does 80% of the dinner cooking, and I do 80% of the dishes (and most other housework since I'm home more). If I am having an off day or it's a weekend, he will do dishes. Likewise I do the cooking and dishes both on days like today, since he worked 14 hours and is exhausted. He has a high tolerance for mess- ie dirty dishes lying around doesn't bug him as much as me. He works FT, I work PT. Our schedules vary, as some weeks we both work, some weeks I am sahm all week, but generally whoever notices something needs to be done steps in and does it.

It did take us several years to get to this kind of balance.

post #29 of 58

I cook and then do the dishes while DH handles bedtime with all three of our kids.  It's an arrangement I'm very happy with.  I'm a pretty neat cook, so I'm usually loading the dishwasher, wiping surfaces down, etc. as I go.  I usually don't have a ton to do AFTER dinner--maybe 10-15 minutes worth, plus I'm working on getting my older kids to load their dishes themselves and DH will usually load his, or at least bring them to the sink for me.   I put my feet up, read, practice the piano, whatever I feel like doing until it's time for family prayer before the kids go to bed.  I stay on top of my kitchen all day most days.  Our main living area is a great room, so the kitchen is visible all the time, and if the kitchen is dirty/cluttered, it's not a restful environment for me.  I hate going to bed with dirty dishes in the sink.  Plus our dining room is our school room, so I try to have that neat and tidy to start out the next day.

post #30 of 58

Dishes belong to my husband (I cook almost every day). The only things I wash are things that only I use (like the coffeemaker parts, my french press, breast pump parts). He also does all his own laundry (I don't touch it!) unless he really needs me to do it for him for some reason, which is rare. Garbage, kitty litter, mowing and edging, taking the recycling and trash bins to the curb, sweeping the kitchen at the end of the day, wiping counters at the end of the day....all of those chores belong to him. I do everything else. He helps with other chores if I ask, but I try not to. I SAH, he works outside the home full time, and occasionally more than full time.


Our separation of chores is not exactly 50%, but he realizes that being a SAHM is a full-time job, NOT including the housework, so we try to keep it as even as possible so that we stay happy. We are both pretty happy with our current situation.

post #31 of 58
Thread Starter 

Thanks for all the replies, I love to see all the different ways people work out these issues. And I envy and admire those who have such a team spirit in their house. We've been negotiating this for years and haven't reached a place where we are both happy with it. It's becoming more clear that it's an attitude adjustment that's needed and not necessarily that he needs to do dishes at night.  We've still got work to do here on this....

post #32 of 58

I always cook, DH always does the dishes.  I'm aware that it seems lopsided since I'm the at-home parent and he works full time, but it's just the way it has always been. 

We've recently started having our almost-7yo son do most of the dishes (no sharp knives or pots/pans) as part of his chores, for which he earns an allowance.  It helps lighten the load for DH somewhat, but he still misses having an automatic dishwasher.

post #33 of 58

I voted that it's my job, not because I think it is, but because I'm the only adult here who washes dishes. However, I don't suggest that is the right way, or what OP should do.

I remember when I was a teen, one of us kids would cook, the other would wash dishes and that was so unfair. My sister would make a four - course meal and use every pot, pan and dish in the house and I'd be stuck washing them all. I hated that. When I'd cook, I'd clean/rinse/wipe down as I go, and use very few dishes and she'd be done washing dishes in under 10 minutes.


So, my solution would be swap who is in the kitchen for the night. The one who cooks is the one to clean up, because then they'd also be more likely to clean as they go while the other parent occupies the children, ideally. The next day, the other parent is in the kitchen cooking and cleaning while the other parent is with the children.

post #34 of 58

I voted no, because he doesn't have time. He barely has enough time to sleep, so during the week, it's all me. On the weekends though, we cook more and he does do part of the dishes..like loads or unloads the dishwasher, but usually not all of it. It doesn't bother me. With only one kid, I still have plenty of alone, down time, so I don't mind it. when the next one comes along though? Yeah, I'm sure things will change.

post #35 of 58

currently, I do it all.  I'm not okay with this in the least.

post #36 of 58

I cook every meal, do the dishes, baths, and put three kids to bed by myself almost every weeknight.

Then DH gets home around 9PM and eats relaxing on the couch while I do laundry and wait for the baby to need to nurse again.

On Sunday he will do the dishes with out asking (because he has spent or will spend about 4 hours watching football- and probably feels guilty)

If that's the day he mowed the lawn and did yard work, he usually doesn't.

He will do what ever I ask, but with a sour face. I'd rather do it myself than deal with that.

He does the money making, house fixing, heavy lifting, yard work.......

I wouldn't trade, but would like to have a break.

post #37 of 58

I do 90% of the housework as the SAHP/ student.  DH works really long hours (usually 8 or 9 in the day and then 2 after DD's sleeping) and plays with our DD after dinner.  I would rather them have some quality time than me when I get to hang out and have fun with DD all day. 


I know this isn't a very popular view here, but I really feel like giving DH a peaceful, fun home and an hour to just relax is important.  I get time to myself after DD is asleep when DH is working.  I also think that the house stuff is my job as the SAHP.  When he helps, it's great, but it's not expected.  


When we were both working, we split everything 50/50, so I'm not super traditional or anything.  He's certainly not opposed to helping, it's just not his job right now when he works so much.  

post #38 of 58

No,my dh does not do the dishes. I don't mind.What really upsets me is  if he does not take the dishes to  the sink. I get quite angry if he eats,and then just walks away from the table leaving his dishes there.

post #39 of 58
Like some pps have said, i'm not completely happy with our arrangement. And none of your options seemed to fit our situation anyway.

Up until a few weeks ago, i did all lunch/dinner cooking and breakfast was every man for himself. Now DH is cooking 1 dinner/wk. I load the dishwasher, he empties. On rare occassions, if im sick or DS has been, he'll load.

The thing that we've really struggled with though is respect, and it sounds like you're dealing w the same thing. I'll do the dishes, on my own schedule and in my own way. He does not have the right to insist i do it his way or on his schedule. If he doesnt like the way/time i do them, then he is free to do them himself and i refuse to feel guilt over it. End of discussion. Him insisting i do things on his schedule or insulting the way i do them is a really short road to an ugly fight.
post #40 of 58

He used to. Many things have gotten in the way. We used to think he was busy, and worked late. Now, he's busier and works later. So we decided together that it would be much better to spend his time with the kids than with the dishes. Sometimes they get done of the evening, other times I do them in the morning. But they are mine to do.

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