Getting really really sick of nursing. Horrible I know :(

[Ldavis24]

So yeah, I'm just reaching a major frustration point with nursing DD. She is going on 18 months and we literally have not had a single major problem in our nursing relationship. Never even in the beginning so I generally feel really lucky about that..

We don't really have any problems now except me I guess. She is still a high demand nurser, often 10-13 times a day, sometimes fewer but not often. She nurses maybe twice a night and MUST nurse to sleep when we are home. 

My problem is especially at the bedtime nursing she MUST twiddle my other nipple in her fingers or she goes absolutely crazy and screams until she is purple and won't nurse anymore. She is beginning to pinch and pull really hard and I have tried every gentle method I can think of (including putting socks on her hands which was a big fail) to get her to stop hurting me. Now I end up yelling half the time in her poor little face to stop hurting me and I end  up in tears before the night is out...

Bedtime nursing is taking a huge emotional toll on me and I am beginning to dread bedtime each night. She will NOT go to sleep any other way and will and has stayed up until 11 waiting to let me nurse her to sleep. 

During the day she is just constantly pulling on my shirt for nummies and while I oblige it is starting to just frustrate me. She does drink out of a sippy but only minimally so I feel like I need to let her nurse as much as she wants so she is getting adequately hydrated. 
 

It's getting depressing for me and the more I read about all the mamas who love nursing their toddlers and couldn't imagine stopping the more I feel like a failure for not really enjoying it all that much anymore. We don't even have any problems besides the occasional bitten nipple and chapped skin. I must be the only one who feels this way because no one else says they are getting sick of nursing their toddler. 

I want to keep going but I need some kind of strategy or something to help me get through the difficult nursing days. DD is a snack nurser (nurse for a minute then take off) but is highly demanding when she does want to nurse and will pitch a major fit if she doesn't get it. She also loves to twiddle my other nipple and that is really really getting to me but she won't nurse if I don't let her do it!

Should I just let her scream her frustration at not getting the other nipple to play with until she learns she can't always have it. Nursing is so important to me but it has definitely taken a toll on my emotions some days. Some nights DH has to come downstairs and take DD so I can pull myself together to not cry while I am trying to nurse her to sleep.

[liliaceae]

I think you need to set some boundaries. Nursing is a two way relationship and both of you need to be happy. She is not an infant that can only get nutrition from breastmilk; if you nurse her less, she will eventually make up for it with food and water, she won't let herself starve. She is also old enough to understand "no," even if she doesn't like it.

I'm in a similar situation with a 19 month old who nurses every couple hours (she wants to nurse more often, but I don't let her). I don't want to nurse her at all anymore. With both of my children, right around 18 months, I've stopped wanting to nurse at all. With my son I nightweaned him at 19 months, and gradually weaned him until we were done at 23 months. I was done with nursing, he took it well, and I'm not sorry in the least that I weaned him. I would wean DD now if I could, but she's a little more adamant about wanting to continue that DS was.

I never allowed twiddling. That would drive me stark raving mad. If you don't want her to do it, don't let her. Put a hand over your breast and don't let her get to it. Explain to her that Mama doesn't like that, so she can't do it. Yes, she will scream and cry at first, but she will be okay. She will learn. Just set the boundaries that will make you happy, and be gentle but firm. Good luck Mama.

[mamakah]

Mama animals seem to get agitated with their nurslings when they feel it's time to wean.  I weaned my son at 14 months old because I suddenly was annoyed with it and not enjoying it. I took that cue from nature. For some reason I wasn't into it anymore, so I decided that must mean  that my body is telling me it's time to stop. Nothing to be ashamed of!! You need to enjoy it too. It is after all, your body.

[ktgrok]

Stop the twiddling.  I had that problem with my first an had to stop  it before i became homicidal.  We did it in stages.  First i taught him "flat hand". he could place his hand on my breast but not twiddle with his fingers. I put my hand over his to keep it flat.  he didn;t like it, but eventually it worked.  Later, when we night weaned I woul let him do :flat hand"  when he woke up even though we didn't nurse.

[ktgrok]

oh, an make time to sit down with nothing to istract her a few times a day so she nurses a good amount.  That way she isn;t hungry every 5 minutes driving you nuts.  Instead of "don't offer - don't refuse"  I like "sometimes offer- sometimes refuse".  that way she still gets to nurse, but on your terms.

[tibeca]

A lot of parents have a hard time with the transition between baby and toddler. Around the 1 year point, it becomes important to begin teaching our children that mommy is a person too. Mommy has needs, wants, and rights. Your DD is no longer a baby. She has developed to a point where she can begin to understand that you are entitled to things too. Let me clarify, I am not saying that suddenly your daughter is grown up and should act as such. I am however saying that it is very important to use this time to begin setting limits. Examples: Around that age, unless my daughter was screaming in agony, we did not nurse on the toilet. Period. I would ask her to wait until we got home and would not stop the car to nurse (we live only minutes from shopping). Etc. I introduced things gradually. Sometimes she would cry, but I would talk to her about what mommy needed too. I never let her get out of control in her crying, but always offered to comfort her when she felt like she needed something that I couldn't provide. I was never cruel, but also didn't want to be the mom who gave in at the store and bought her a toy every time simply because she cried. Boundaries, limits and appropriate rules for the right ages.

Just the thought of my daughter twiddling would drive me insane. My dd also went through a pinching stage, which I very quickly redirected to her pacifier. Find an alternative and stick to it. There may be some rough nights ahead, but in the end, you will both be better off for it.

You ARE entitled to sanity.  AP parenting is also about BALANCE. For your sanity as well as your child's development. Don't feel you have to be a martyr.

[lisavark]

Mama, my daughter was a lot like yours at 18 months! She also was barely eating solids at that age. But now she's almost three and still going strong with nursing...and I have no desire to quit now. :D 

I didn't really start to get frustrated with it till she was two, because I had decided from birth that was my minimum age for weaning. But man, it was crazy--it was like the minute she turned two, the nursing started to drive me CRAZY. All the time. My LLL leader suggested that I teach her nursing manners, and that really helped a lot. Aside from the twiddling--which, yeah, I just insisted that she COULD NOT NURSE if she was doing that, I couldn't stand it!--I made her start asking nicely instead of grabbing at my boobs, pulling my shirt down, and whining/screaming for it. My LLL leader suggested having a special nursing chair and only letting her nurse there. It took all of one day to teach DD the new rule, and now when she comes to me whining, "milk, milk, milk," I say, "Where do we go for milk?" She says, "the papasan chair!" Then she goes over to the papasan chair, puts her hands on it, and says politely, "Mommy, may I have milk please?" Ah. So much more peaceful. Sure, she still kicks and wiggles and twists while she's nursing, but her being a little more polite about it makes me feel so much better about it. 

One thing that helped the twiddling for us was a nursing necklace. I keep it on the table by the nursing chair now, and I put it on when she's wanting to grab at everything on my body and face with her free hand. I tell her she can pull the nursing necklace all she wants (hey, it hasn't broken yet)! 

[D_McG]

yeah the twiddling has to stop.  If she screams until she's purple and refuses to nurse.. then she'll be purple and you'll get a break from nursing.  OK so I'm being light hearted and I understand it's distressing but you are the boss here.  It's your body.  I never allowed twiddling.  I didn't care how much they protested.  My body, my choice.  If I felt myself wavering I'd ask myself if I'd let them put their hand on a hot stove b/c they really really wanted to?  No!  It's just not possible.

So I'd stop that and also cut way down during the day.  Or wean fully.  I started to wean around that age.  But it sounds like you have a while to go to get her there so I'd start with some very strict non negotiable limits and see what you can salvage.  Remember she's at the age where having a fit is kind of her default reaction.  It doesn't mean she's traumatized for life. She's just practicing being 2 :)  I read something ages ago that I still remind myself of "She's doing her job, now you do yours".  It keeps me from getting emotionally involved in situations where I really need to be calm and take the lead. 

GL!

[journeymom]

No, not horrible at all. It's the logical response to a severely irritating situation.  Listen to your body, it's screaming for some peace. I really like the 'two way street' concept and the 'nursing manners' concept.

Somewhere, maybe the Sears Baby Book, Martha Sears said you should let your baby 'twiddle' the other nipple while nursing. That it had a beneficial purpose of increasing the milk supply on the one breast while baby nursed from the other breast.  Not only do I doubt that reasoning, but the very word 'twiddle' makes my skin crawl. I wanted to throw the book across the room.   

I nursed my youngest a little longer than 17 months. It was a beautiful thing.

[iheartwren]

I never had the twiddling problem, but my daughter was very demanding about nursing and I got to a point where I needed a break.  I didn't want to wean completely but I wanted to stop feeling frustrated with the whining all the time.  So I took a couple of months and cut down the feedings from 10ish to 3 at specific times (1 time at night, before nap, before bed).  It took some adjusting and their was some crying and screaming, but she adjusted surprisingly quickly and what a relief.  I started to really enjoy nursing again-we had our special nursing, cuddle times again that we both were enjoying!

[konayossie]

Originally Posted by journeymom 

Somewhere, maybe the Sears Baby Book, Martha Sears said you should let your baby 'twiddle' the other nipple while nursing. That it had a beneficial purpose of increasing the milk supply on the one breast while baby nursed from the other breast.  Not only do I doubt that reasoning, but the very word 'twiddle' makes my skin crawl. I wanted to throw the book across the room. 

The new Womanly Art of Breastfeeding mentions that twiddling and kneading the other breast might be instinctual as it induces letdown. It would be interesting to know if anyone ever actually TESTED that since from what I understand, you need to be relaxed for letdown to occur, and twiddling is anything but that . . .

OP, DS (19 mos) likes to twiddle, and I have been in the same place you've been, where he will throw an absolute fit if he isn't allowed to (only at night). He's worst to do it when he's really tired. Anyway, I've been really working on cutting off access to the other breast by covering it with my arm. It's annoying b/c it requires more of me during the night, but it beats the twiddling or the tantrum. If I can prevent it from happening, it doesn't make him nearly as angry as stopping him from doing it. The flat hand idea also sounds good. I do occasionally let him twiddle if I think he'll be asleep in like, 2 minutes or less--I can grit my teeth that long.

[Novus]

I don't think it's at all horrible.  I agree that the twiddling needs to stop if it's bothering you...this is the beginning of teaching respect for other peoples' bodies.  I've always had issues with soreness and sensitivity, so our rule has always been "No hands on the nipple."

AFA feeling like everyone else loves nursing their toddlers--I didn't until recently.  DS is still nursing, but only because I was able to cut it down from 8+ times a day to about 3-4 times.  I love the idea of completely cue feeding a child until he/she self-weans, but it just wasn't something I could do.  A few months ago, I realized that I could either (a) keep trying for that ideal, get burned out, and end up resenting DS or weaning abruptly, or (b) cut down the frequency gradually so we could have a longer and more peaceful nursing relationship.  I chose option (b).  I offered lots of distraction, snacks, drinks, trips to the park, etc every time I was trying to get him to drop another nursing, and now, the nursings that remain are the ones that are the most important to him--before nap, before bed, and early morning.  As an added bonus, he now loves going to bed because he knows that nursing is part of the routine

[Birdie B.]

You're not alone. I loved nursing - loved it loved it loved it! - until the last couple of months. My daughter is 2 now, and I barely have any milk since night-weaning her. The low supply combined with her now-lazy latch and mouthful of teeth are driving me CRAZY! I am ready to be completely done, I'm just not sure how to get there...

[Owen'nZoe]

You definitely aren't alone! I nursed my eldest just past 4, and my youngest will be 4 next week and is still nursing. The only way we lasted so long was because I set up boundaries that made nursing tolerable for me. And in my experience, what you are able to tolerate changes over time. I've been nursing someone for 6 1/2 years straight, and I only have it in me to nurse DS once a day at this point. Anything more makes me feel absolutely bonkers - and if he doesn't ask on a given day (which is rare, but occasionally happens), I'm in heaven!

You have to do what you feel comfortable with, but for me, I'd redirect twiddling once, then stop the nursing session if they tried again. I did it without showing anger (although, I have to admit, the flush of rage I felt when they'd twiddle took me by surprise!), or even saying anything - just set them down and went about my business. This worked great with my older son, but took more effort with my youngest. It did eventually work for both, though.

I also nightweaned between18 and 24 months. If the night nursing is driving you crazy, know that an 18 month old really is old enough to understand that they only get nursies when the sun is up. It took mine each about a week before they started checking the window for the sunrise before asking to nurse. They did both ask the minute the sun broke the horizon, though, so don't expect to be able to sleep in with this method. ;) 

[EmmaJane]

OMG you are so not alone. DD2 is also just coming up on 19 months, serious reverse-cycle night nurser, and she's just started to try to twiddle... AND I AM GOING STARK RAVING MAD  and no one is getting any sleep.

A month or so ago she had started unlatching and putting a flat hand on my breast as she went to sleep, and I even sort of encouraged that as a move away from falling asleep with boob in mouth... but this week she's started sneaking a hand in to PINCH the same nipple that she's been nursing from. So as I'm trying to nurse her to sleep I have to keep one of my hands tense and ready to grab hers... and then she nearly falls asleep and pops off... and starts to pinch... and I grab her hand away... and she wakes up fully and starts crying. Repeat for hours.

And it's the same nipple as she's nursing from, so I can't even put it in battle-bra lockdown... she's so stubborn, and also just so STRONG.

I nursed DD2 for 22 months -- had to stop to go back into fertility treatment -- and I was hoping to go longer this time -- but this week has been very frustrating.

[Lunaria]

I came on here because I am having the exact same issues with my 18 month old dd. Since my cycle has returned(I've had 1 period so far), my nipples are so sensitive. Sometimes nursing just drives me NUTS!!

I am familiar with this feeling since the first time I experienced it was when I was pregnant with dd and nursing ds who was just 20 months old. I kept nursing throughout the pregnancy and tandem nursed. Even though it was almost torturous. I felt I couldn't wean him since he loved to nurse so much. And I was hoping to get back the same wonderful nursing relationship once my milk came back in(didn't happen). He is now nearly 4 and asks to nurse every two weeks and nurses for about a minute. I can handle that, but I don't want my nursing relationship with dd to feel the same. I don't want to cringe at the thought of nursing. Or scratch the bottom of my feet to distract myself from how aweful it feels.

It hasn't quite reached that point with her but it is heading that way. I don't understand why:( I had no trouble nursing ds during my cycle, it was only when I got pregnant that it became hard. Dd is a frequent, all day/night nurser and has been pinching too. I am going to set some boundaries and see where that gets me. We'll start with no pinching. Then we'll work on nightweaning. I'm hoping to make it to at least two. I am really sad that nursing can't feel the way it did in the begining, so relaxing and wonderful. If that were the case I wouldn't care if they nursed till they were 7!

Jenny

[momma_bear]

I agree with PPs - you have rights too and don't need to lie there in pain during every feed!  My DD tries the twiddling occasionally but it hurts! so I immediately remove her hand and/or cover up the other breast...I honestly couldn't endure that during an entire feed!  Please don't martyr yourself - it's not helping anyone!

As for the nursing part - don't feel guilty, it's natural to feel this way.  I loved breastfeeding.  I loved talking about it, doing it, reading about it, everything.  I even thought I'd become a lactation consultant because I had such a passion for it.  I went to great lengths to establish and maintain the breastfeeding when my DD was in the NICU.  But over the last few months I've come to resent the bfeeding more and more.  I originally wanted to continue 'til she was 2yrs (she's currently 17mo) but I had expected her to be feeding a lot less than the reality and I didn't expect her to be so dependent on it at bedtime and during the night (she wakes frequently to feed).  We're worried about her weight gain and how much solids she is (or rather, isn't!) consuming.  It's all just turned me right off.  I'm exhausted, confused and frustrated.  It's just taken the pleasure right out.  I'm feeling trapped by it too - I went out for less than 2hrs to a School Council meeting for my other DD and returned to find out she'd cried the entire time 'cause she wanted "num nums" to go to sleep, even though she was with DH who she LOVES to be with.  Well, we're gradually weaning but it's a slow process.  I'd like to be down to just bedtime by Christmas but I don't know if that's realistic or not.  I wanted to continue for the antibodies and any other benefits but I'm starting to care less and less about that and am questioning how much real benefit there is to continuing much further anyways.  I don't know anything anymore except that I need more sleep and more freedom.  I quit work to stay home with my children...all I ask is the occasional evening out to participate in my DD's school or whatever and I can't even get that!  OK, finished ranting....I just wanted to share so you know you're not alone! 

Hang in there :-)

[dakotablue]

I'm so on board with how you are feeling. I'm also pregnant so I have extra sensitive nipples and am on edge.

Some things that helped me....Stop the twiddling. If her hand wanders over unlatch and say no. She will cry and test whether you mean it or not, but really she can understand boundaries. I just hold my DS and say I know your sad I'm sorry its frustrating. I do not ignore him. But boundaries. It is MY body.

Also, huge help for me. DS is not allowed to pull on me. I did this by teaching the sign for nurse (although the sign for nurse is now drink and more is now nurse but that's ok) Once he would start pulling or whinning I would disengage and and say something to the effect of "You can not pull on Mommy. You need to tell me what you want." He in the beginning would trantrum for a bit then sign, now he stops and immediatily signs. I also don't let him help me lift my shirt. and I do ask which side he wants and he points.

I can't handle the wandering hands or pulling on my clothes. Honestly, If I hadn't been able to get DS to stop this I probably would have weaned just to stop myself from being really really mean to him...

[arualis]

oh my gosh. i'm not alone.  i have an almost 16 month old who LOVES to nurse. I feel like she nurses more now than she did as an infant (I know this isn't actually true). She learned the sign for milk (we call it leche) and I appreciate that she uses it instead of screaming or grabbing my shirt, but sometimes I need a break and "no" engenders tears sometimes to the point that I give in.  I think she thinks if she asks nicely that's an automatic yes.  She slept through the night twice a week and a half ago (from 8 o'clock to about 5 a.m) without waking to nurse but so far hasn't repeated that.  I don't mind nursing her once at night and then early in the morning, but there is a period between about 12:00 and 4:30 am when I get really, really annoyed.   I work pretty much full time, so of course I feel guilty and want to nurse her on demand when I'm home (she drinks cows milk from a bottle when I'm at work--I tried rice and soy, nothing doing--but then I feel resentful.  And she TWIDDLES, which I am trying to work on by covering my other breast with my hand and moving her hand, which she always works into my shirt, either to between my breasts (flat hand) or to on top of the fabric.  Twiddling's the worst. Anyway, no point to this ramble but it's nice to know I'm not the only one who doesn't feel all glowy and wonderful about nursing my toddler (who shows no signs of stopping soon) even though I'm committed to trying to work out our nursing relationship until she's at least two. 

Laura

mama to Esmé 8/11/09

[Ldavis24]

thank you so much mamas for all your advice and even just letting me know I am not the only one with a ravenous nursing toddler!

I actually stepped away from this thread a bit because I really was just meditating a lot on how I feel about nursing these days and trying to figure out what else was going on in my life to make nursing the most stressful part of it....

So a couple of weeks later and DD and I are in a much MUCH better place in our nursing relationship... I have taken a lot of the great advice here and put it into action and so far things are going well..a PP mentioned how our bodies aren't entirely our own when we are nursing, which I find so incredibly true and accurate. I think my biggest problem has been getting to the realization that just because DD is still nursing doesn't mean there can't be some real boundaries about her behavior in regard to nursing.

The twiddling MUST stop and we are working on it and she has gotten better although she will still get super angry sometimes when  I don't let her do it (most of the time, sometimes I am half asleep and don't even notice at night, sigh).  Pinching is done. I will not tolerate it at all anymore. As far as grabbing and screeching she is getting better at it and while she won't verbalize it if I ask her if she wants nummies when I think she must be hungry or hasn't nursed for quite a long time she will nod her head excitedly.

I think the stress of DH being ill with dental problems was also stressing me out and she was in a bad sleep cycle for a couple of weeks that is completely back to normal which is really helping. I look back at my original post and am almost surprised about how angry, how upset I sounded. I feel so much better about nursing that I have no desire to even really force night weaning just slowly dial it back a bit. We are also working on DD eating more solid foods and getting more liquids in besides mama's milk. 

I have to repeat how wonderful it was to read such supportive comments here. Some days I really do feel like I am the only mama who doesn't always love nursing her toddler but I see now I am not alone! I do love it, I really do. That period I had though was the closest I have ever come to just flat out weaning because of pure frustration. 

Now my goal is to just keep up with boundaries and make sure that our nursing relationship is healthy and happy for both of us whatever it looks like in the future. Just gotta get DH on board with the nursing past 2 things, he still thinks it is kinda weird....Sigh