Why is she so "good" for everyone but me?!

[justKate]

As a disclaimer, my DD (20 mos.) has SPD (sensory seeking type) and I do as much as I can to provide sensory imput.  Honestly, I don't think it is, or know how it could be, related to her sensory issues.  But here goes:

DD is the perfect child for everyone but me.  She loves people, is exuberant, playful, affectionate.  She is in daycare from 7-4:30 (no choice on this for another 6 months), and doesn't want to go home when I get there.  She LOVES the teachers.  She's been there a year, and the teachers are pretty long-term, so no changes there.  Same 6 or so kids in her class the entire time.  She knows their names, etc.  She eats well for them, follows directions, tells them when her diaper is dirty, goes to sleep immediately at nap time with no help and wakes up exactly 2 hours later. (I know, I've watched through the window in the door.)  Every now and then she will bite someone, but it is usually when she tries to kiss and accidentally uses her teeth.

Same for Daddy. She retrieves things, is quiet when he asks her to be so that he can order a pizza on the phone, whatever. Goes to sleep for him in about 10 minutes of cuddling.  Eats her food, doesn't hit/bite/hurt/kick/pinch him EVER.

Now for Mama.  All of the negativity is focused on me. She screams at me constantly; cries for Daddy at every opportunity. Asks for things and then rejects them when i provide them. Bites me, pinches me and then says "oww" and laughs. Kicks me (hard enough to bruise) when I change her diaper. Tries to smack my face any time she disagrees with me. Screams "nnnnnnnnnnNNNNNNNOO" after i talk, every time. Screams no if I sing to her. It takes me 45 min. or more to get her to sleep, because she will continuously climb out of bed, scream, kick, attack me if I try to stop her. I usually end up falling asleep with her because it takes so long.

I do 90% of the parenting at home.  I have her with me 100% of the time that she is not in daycare--showering, toileting, she is with me. I like it this way. I have help with housework so that I can devote as much time as possible to her when I'm not at work.  Why does she treat me this way?  She has never been left alone, never CIO, never hit or hurt, never threatened with abandonment or violence, by anyone, to my knowledge.  I've raised my voice at her maybe 5 times, ever.  But I always have bruises, scratches, etc.  Last week she gave me a nosebleed twice fighting over bed time. She's only 22 lbs. right now, and I don't see any sign of it improving. 

I really feel like AP has been a success for everyone in her life except for me. How do I improve this?

Thanks for reading.

Kate

[Sweetmilo]

Wow, I have a similar problem with my son, however not quite as bad.  Would love to hear any advice given. He will be three this coming March, and for the not wanting to come home with me from daycare, it's usually because he feels he is missing out on whatever fun thing they are doing next.  yesterday it was playing with Playdough, but we have that at home, so I informed him he could play with it at home and he was ok with that.  He refuses to go to bed at night.  bedtime is 8 pm for us, but he screams and kicks and cries until about 10 or 11 (we cosleep, I am not trying to transition him to his bed, he just does NOT want to go to bed.  AT ALL)  We are also doing potty training, and for my husband he will tell him ahead of time, for me...he pees, then tells me he wants to go potty, and then starts screaming.  it's awful.  for awhile I thought maybe he was in pain.  Then other times he is the sweetest cutest thing ever.  He will play well by himself, give kisses, do as he is asked etc.  And then it's like a switch, he starts throwing things, and he bites, and hits.

[~pi]

Might she be testing you? I.e., seeing how far she can push limits with you? It sounds like you are very safe for her. She might be trying to figure out how far that safety goes.

My DS is a little older, but he has definitely pushed just to see how far he could. When I speak calmly but firmly to him, explain that XYZ is unacceptable, here are the consequences if you keep on doing it, and follow through, it helps resolve that. 

Just my 2 cents, but to me, AP does not mean mama is a pushover.

[LorenaAZ]

My lo is a bit like that, but not to such extremes.  My county requires that custodial parents take a parenting class during the divorce process.  One of the main focuses of the class was that children will lash out/let it all out with the person they trust most and the person they see is most permanent (custodial parent).  In their little heads, they think they can be themselves at their worst, and this parent will never leave them.  So when my daughter does her theatricals with me, at least I know she trusts me and feels comfortable enough to be herself around me.  However, I'm also the person who babies her the most, so I think my input has a lot to do with it.  

It sounds like you are living with your lo's father, but I couldn't understand how you are the parent 100% of the time when you are home.  Is the father present but not parenting?  If that's the case, then your lo might be behaving the way children of divorce do, since she knows the other parent won't give him the time of day or will simply walk away if she misbehaves but you are always there for her.

[caenach]

I don't really have anything much to add, but wanted to show some support. I thought LorenaAZ's comment was a good one. I think sometimes we are the hardest on those we feel safest/closest to--because we know we CAN lash out at them or react to them and not be judged or punished.

The only other thing I would add is that the language of your post brought instantly to mind for me a passage from "Playful Parenting" where the author is discussing how their two year old began ignoring his wife shortly after she started her medical internship, which required her to be away from home for stretches. She would also show preferential treatment to the father, refuse or resist when the mother tried to do things like bath time or bed time rituals. I don't know enough to say that this is what's going on with you, obviously, but some of what you wrote seemed so similar to this particular part of the book. In the case of this book, the author believed it to be about a case of a loss of "deep connection" between the parent and child, and they approached the situation by working on ways to reconnect mother and child at transition times--things like an extended family hug, insisting on eye contact, really having the parent push past the casual reconnection in a way that allowed the child to vent her sadness/feelings about being separated from her mother. It seems like you are already working really hard on connection to your daughter when you are together, though, so I only mention this casually.

[CatsCradle]

OP, my 4 year old DD exhibits very similar behavior, but also to my DH.  The outside world thinks that DD is over the top smart, polite, happy, focused, all around renaissance kid.  I think the previous PPs had good points about your DC pushing limits with you in particular because of the safety factor.  I don't have much advice because I'm in the middle of it myself right now, but I'm finding that if I remain calm (or appear to), she is starting to realize that her antics aren't as effective and she will start to back off.  After the cool off period, we'll discuss her issues and she seems to understand that certain behaivors are unacceptable.  Good luck, I know how it feels!

[justKate]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LorenaAZ 

My lo is a bit like that, but not to such extremes.  My county requires that custodial parents take a parenting class during the divorce process.  One of the main focuses of the class was that children will lash out/let it all out with the person they trust most and the person they see is most permanent (custodial parent).  In their little heads, they think they can be themselves at their worst, and this parent will never leave them.  So when my daughter does her theatricals with me, at least I know she trusts me and feels comfortable enough to be herself around me.  However, I'm also the person who babies her the most, so I think my input has a lot to do with it.  

It sounds like you are living with your lo's father, but I couldn't understand how you are the parent 100% of the time when you are home.  Is the father present but not parenting?  If that's the case, then your lo might be behaving the way children of divorce do, since she knows the other parent won't give him the time of day or will simply walk away if she misbehaves but you are always there for her.

Rationally, I know that it is good for her to be able to "release" her emotions with me.  I know she is most comfortable with me, and I'm happy about that...But.  Emotionally, it is hard on me.  I do the parenting because DD demands it.  Until she doesn't.  Dad is in grad school and about to have a pretty serious surgery, so he's sort of checked out right now.  Probably not a good dynamic, but it is what it is for now.  I think I baby DD a lot too--of course she is a baby, but she seems to recognize that my expectations are lower.  Maybe I need to try to convey to her that I have a higher standard, somehow!

Quote:

Originally Posted by CatsCradle 

OP, my 4 year old DD exhibits very similar behavior, but also to my DH.  The outside world thinks that DD is over the top smart, polite, happy, focused, all around renaissance kid.  I think the previous PPs had good points about your DC pushing limits with you in particular because of the safety factor.  I don't have much advice because I'm in the middle of it myself right now, but I'm finding that if I remain calm (or appear to), she is starting to realize that her antics aren't as effective and she will start to back off.  After the cool off period, we'll discuss her issues and she seems to understand that certain behaivors are unacceptable.  Good luck, I know how it feels!

I really need to try to separate from the conflict and impose more "cool off periods."  But at the same time, I'm afraid DD will think I'm withholding affection as a punishment or something.  But then again, a "you can't stay on the bed if you kick mama" is probably not too much for a 20 month old, right?  It seems like she should be able to accept that.

Thanks for all of your thoughts....