Odd question about informing dd's father of the possibility of becoming a living kidney donor

[Ravensong13]

I am still in the process of being screened to see if I am a match with a friend to be a living kidney donor. I know the risks that are involved( not as big as one would think) and am choosing for the time being to not inform my dd's bio dad. I know that things can move fast once we find out whether or not I am a suitable match and I'm wondering about issues that can come up. DD's dad has a history of making issues out of things that are not issues just to cause arguments and I'm worried that he may try and contact our expeditor over this, i.e. I'm putting dd at risk or not thinking of her. Do I have to inform him of the specifics of the procedure or just tell him I may be under going surgery? I found out about a lot of things he didn't tell me about ( ranging from motorcycle accidents to having a new fiance move in with him) from other mutual friends, so could I argue he doesn't need to know? Would this be considered not putting my child's welfare first? I've thought long and hard about what this would entail. I would be giving someone life ( he doesn't have even a year left without a new kidney) with about the same risk as going under for any other procedure. I'd be in hospital for three-four days tops and able to get back to normal activity( taking care of dd) within the week. I may just be over-thinking this, but I;m wondering if any one knows any possible legal issues I may run into?

[cheer mom]

I can't imagine that you would need to tell him at all. It's none of his business what you do with your body--as this does not involve your dd.

[Mackenzie]

I don't think that you would run into any legal problems as it is a medical issue and thus protected by privacy laws...

would she be staying with him while you recovered?

[Ravensong13]

Originally Posted by Mackenzie 

I don't think that you would run into any legal problems as it is a medical issue and thus protected by privacy laws...

would she be staying with him while you recovered?

It all depends on the day of week I have the surgery. He sees her tuesday and thursday afternoons and then every other saturday and sunday during the day. The only issue would be me not being around while dd is staying with dh. My mother offered to possibly come up and stay at our house while I'm in hospital, but he might argue to have dd overnight while I am not at home( right now he does not have overnight visitation).
 

[Smithie]

Tell him nothing. If he were a person you respected and trusted, then you would WANT to tell him and you would never have started this thread. And this is obviously not the right time to jump into overnight visitation. If it went badly wrong, you wouldn't be able to go get your DD, and you might not even be able to speak to her on the phone. 

Your mother or DH can bring your DD to the scheduled visitation, and tell your ex whatever innocuous story they choose. They can tell him you are attending a birth! 

[aricha]

I agree there is no reason to tell him anything. If you need to make other arrangements for transportation for your daughter to see him during the times she normally does, make whatever arrangements you would if you were sick or had something urgent come up, and they can say you had something come up, or you are sick, or you have a doctor's appointment or whatever you/they choose. If you are worried he will need to get in touch with you while your daughter is with him, have someone else hang onto your cell phone or give him an alternate number "in case you aren't available" when he calls.

There's no reason it is his business.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Originally Posted by Ravensong13 

IDD's dad has a history of making issues out of things that are not issues just to cause arguments and I'm worried that he may try and contact our expeditor over this, i.e. I'm putting dd at risk or not thinking of her.

Wow.  You are willing to give someone the gift of life and he would try to use that against you?   Tell him only the bare minimum - "I'll be in the hospital for a few days so you will need to pick DD up from my mom's house when you see her.  Why?  It's personal."

[Ravensong13]

I don't know why I didn't think to just say I'll be in hospital and leave it at that. If he argues I can just say it is personal and none of his business. I just think he may not be happy with dd staying overnight here with my dh instead of with him. Maybe if I give some extra daytime hours( we'll be having to give him make up time since we're going on vacation soon for a week) he'll leave it alone. He's the type of person that could find issue with me stating that it is snowing outside

[Smithie]

"I just think he may not be happy with dd staying overnight here with my dh instead of with him."

Assuming that you're legally married and your DH has a squeaky-clean background, that's not his call and I very much doubt that a third party (expeditor) would do anything but roll their eyes. All the same, don't tell him that you'll be gone overnight. It's one of the five million things in this world that are None Of His Business now that he is no longer your partner. 

Please note, I'd be giving very different advice if you were talking about a civil coparenting situation. But when somebody is actively out to hurt you, they lose their right to be part of your life and know about things like hospital visits. 

[ballmom]

Do you have a CO in place? If so you need to revisit it and see what the wording is for first rights of refusal. Some have it in place, others do not. It should state if you have to notify the other parent if you are unable to care for the child.

That said, I do think if someone else is going to be in charge of her care he should be notified of it (in case of emergency). A simple I will be in the hospital and X is going to be in charge during my time should be enough.

[Ravensong13]

I know there is nothing in our CO about first right of refusal. We have only had one instance so far of dd staying overnight with someone else and that was when my Mother came up to stay at our house while dh and were in Mexico on honeymoon. I am currently getting a new lawyer and I think I'll ask her about this along with a few other things. It's hard to know for sure what to do now, because I have NO idea when the surgery would be or if it will happen at all. For all I know dd's dad could have his overnights back by then and she would just be staying at his house.

[vivvysue]

as far as i know there is no legal reason that you inform him of anything, it sounds as though there is nothing in your court order regarding your dd staying with your dd while you are in the hospital, so there really isn't any reason that your mother be there either, unless of course grandma wants to come over for some extra time and sugar from her darling grand daughter

what a wonderful and caring friend you are, ther are not many people so un-selfish and willing to truly be there for another human being, especially regarding the personal risks that you are taking in giving the gift of life to your friend, bless you for being the woman you are

cheers, vs

[PoetryLover]

Congratulations on choosing to give such a great gift. I'm a living kidney donor. Recovery took me longer than I *expected* it to. A few days out I was still in a LOT of pain and definitely needed someone taking care of me. That said, I don't think it's necessary to inform your ex of your plans. That's private and as long as he is able to see you DD during scheduled times, that's all you owe him. I think it's fine for your DD to stay with your DH for a night.

Good luck!