CIO vs. parented to sleep - is there a difference years down the road?

[skfmama]

First of all, I'm not interested in trying CIO or anything. DS is 8 months and still needs to be parented to sleep, which I think is normal.

But, most of my friends and acquaintances I know do CIO with their kids, to differing degrees. I don't know anyone in real life who doesn't, come to think of it.

So I was wondering if anyone has personal experiences of the long lasting affects of parenting to sleep vs. CIO. I know there are a lot of factors besides those involved, but in your experience are parented to sleep kids more secure later on, independent, etc? What kind of affects of CIO do you see, or are there any 2, 3, 5 years down the road?

Just curious, after a conversation with a friend who has done CIO with all 4 kids.

[rachieface]

My mom did CIO for some of her kids (I have 7 siblings) and did not for some of the others.  I don't really see a difference (the youngest is six now).   However, I think that *in general* CIO is indicative more of parenting style than anything else.  If one is prone to let their kid CIO, they are probably be more likely to spank and be less gentle in other areas.  IMO that overall lack of gentleness is more likely to affect a child as they grow. 

Honestly, I know a lot of great people who were spanked, CIO'd, etc.  Heck, I love my parents a lot even though they did that. I disagree with those parenting choices, but I don't think it has to mean that the parents are inherently bad.  Many times, they are misinformed and truly trying to the right thing for their family at that time. 

[happysmileylady]

If you go to a playground and look at all the kids there, I highly doubt there will be any way to tell who was allowed to CIO as a kid vs who was parented to sleep every single time.  Of course, you aren't likely to find a kid who was allowed to CIO who wasn't also parented to sleep at some point.  There aren't many folks who exclusively follow any one particular "style"  of parenting their babies.  The majority of parents just do whatever works for their kids. 

[AllyRae]

Originally Posted by happysmileylady 

If you go to a playground and look at all the kids there, I highly doubt there will be any way to tell who was allowed to CIO as a kid vs who was parented to sleep every single time.  Of course, you aren't likely to find a kid who was allowed to CIO who wasn't also parented to sleep at some point.  There aren't many folks who exclusively follow any one particular "style"  of parenting their babies.  The majority of parents just do whatever works for their kids. 

Yeah, there are just too many factors.  I mean, I know a little one that was APed until 2 years old, but then the mom started CIO with her toddler, which I think is very different from CIO at 4 months old.  And even with CIO, there will be some that parent gently after that, there will be some that spank or belittle or scream at.  And then you have different personalities of different kids.  There are just way too many factors to be able to stop and pinpoint and say "yeah, that right that...that made the kid scared of the world and violent.  And that right there made this kid into a gentle loving human being", you know?

ETA: The only difference I notice is that most people who used CIO before 2 years old have toddlers that sleep.  We don't use CIO and my toddler sucks at sleep.  And the other two kids sucked at sleep until around 3 years old too, and they were both parented to sleep.  And by suck at sleep, I mean waking up several times a night every single night unable to get themselves back to sleep.

But after 3, my older 2 kids sleep just fine too.
 

[Linda on the move]

My kids are 12 and 14. They were parented to sleep (we had a family bed for YEARS), nursed until they were toddlers, only ever had gentle discipline, etc.

At the time, I thought that if I did things *right* it would effect how my kids turned out, and that was very important to me. I was all about the outcome.

Now I don't feel that way at all. I think that it is my job as a parent to do what I feel is right, but that the outcome really isn't my concern. I've come to this because *at times* it seemed like everything *worked* and my kids were wonderful and I had a lot of ego about that. At *other times,* it seemed like something was horribly wrong, so I felt that I must have done something wrong, and had a lot of guilt about that.  I've found that I can be much more peaceful if I let go of believing that exactly how my kids are doing is a reflection of whether or not I'm a good enough mother. 

[Bebe's Mom]

Most of my family are CIO ers with their kids, and they turned out fine. I don't do it because it does not fit my parenting style, and I don't believe it would work for my kid anyway. The few times we have let her cry, she doesn't stop, so we nurse to sleep. Actually, we are using the Pantley method, mixed with Gordon, and have noticed a vast improvement over the last month. There are perfectly good parents out there who CIO, and horrible ones who parent to sleep. I think rachieface is correct. There is no one factor involved in raising a great kid, and some of it does come down to genetics just as much as parenting style. I think it would be great if everyone parented their kids to sleep, but it is not realistic, and I think it comes down to loving your kid and showing them the love that you have for them. Setting boundaries is one way of doing that, and some parents do it more gently than others. But, I think it is a great question, and I have wondered myself, I don't believe there are any studies on this.