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If she doesn't pick up her daughter by 10:30 PM my husband wants to call the police! CRAZY 2011... - Page 6

post #101 of 163

speechless, please call CPS and at least get advice on the situation, you don't need to name-names but they do have better local resources. If your friend is really at the end of her tether she will need that help now not yesterday.

post #102 of 163
Thread Starter 

I called the police last night after I got an alarming text from the mother telling me she was "sick of the da*n child playing in her sh*t" and she wishes she could just drop her off somewhere and leave her there." I called her right away and she didn't answer. I texted her back telling her to bring DD over here with a change of clothes. No response. So I called the precint I know is closest to her place. The response? To call ACS in the morning. Sounded like a mom who just needed a break. *rolling eyes* I call her again and leave her a message telling her she can bring her daughter over here to spend the night. No reponse. I text her and let her know I have no choice but to call ACS if she doesn't respond. Her response, "go ahead and call." I called this morning.

post #103 of 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

I called the police last night after I got an alarming text from the mother telling me she was "sick of the da*n child playing in her sh*t" and she wishes she could just drop her off somewhere and leave her there." I called her right away and she didn't answer. I texted her back telling her to bring DD over here with a change of clothes. No response. So I called the precint I know is closest to her place. The response? To call ACS in the morning. Sounded like a mom who just needed a break. *rolling eyes* I call her again and leave her a message telling her she can bring her daughter over here to spend the night. No reponse. I text her and let her know I have no choice but to call ACS if she doesn't respond. Her response, "go ahead and call." I called this morning.


That poor mom!  I hope she brings the child to you before she makes a bad choice.  I bet she's already said really mean things to her daughter.   I feel bad for the child, but horrible for the mom.  I can't imagine what would drive me to that point, and I think she really needs someone to help her.  That sad thing is, you WOULD help her.  I wish she would have talked openly to you first.

post #104 of 163
Thread Starter 

DH was on board with letting her DD stay here for  more than just overnight but since she's refusing help it makes me feel like she and the child are in dire straits.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

I called the police last night after I got an alarming text from the mother telling me she was "sick of the da*n child playing in her sh*t" and she wishes she could just drop her off somewhere and leave her there." I called her right away and she didn't answer. I texted her back telling her to bring DD over here with a change of clothes. No response. So I called the precint I know is closest to her place. The response? To call ACS in the morning. Sounded like a mom who just needed a break. *rolling eyes* I call her again and leave her a message telling her she can bring her daughter over here to spend the night. No reponse. I text her and let her know I have no choice but to call ACS if she doesn't respond. Her response, "go ahead and call." I called this morning.


That poor mom!  I hope she brings the child to you before she makes a bad choice.  I bet she's already said really mean things to her daughter.   I feel bad for the child, but horrible for the mom.  I can't imagine what would drive me to that point, and I think she really needs someone to help her.  That sad thing is, you WOULD help her.  I wish she would have talked openly to you first.

post #105 of 163

You did the right thing.  I hope if you have the opportunity to talk to her again you will be blunt. She's the type who needs blunt and specific talk.  Tell her specifically which of her daughter's behaviors are concerning.  Tell her she is in denial, that her daughter needs professional help and that she, mom, is in over her head.  You can be kind, too. Tell her that we all need help, we all get overwhelmed. 

 

You already mentioned that she's not a close friend.  I think sometimes we fail to do the most helpful thing,  honestly spelling out in simple terms what the deal is, for fear of 'losing a friendship'.  I don't think you're doing this, you seem like a straight up kind of gal,  but I just want to encourage you to put this girl's needs over any sort of social niceness or fear of confrontation.  The mom might get huffy with you. That's OK.  

 

And don't choose to just keep taking the girl in, instead of encouraging mom to see the light and get herself some help.  Ultimately what would be best for the little girl is for her mom to take her head out of her butt, get some help so she can help her daughter.

 

post #106 of 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

I called the police last night after I got an alarming text from the mother telling me she was "sick of the da*n child playing in her sh*t" and she wishes she could just drop her off somewhere and leave her there." I called her right away and she didn't answer. I texted her back telling her to bring DD over here with a change of clothes. No response. So I called the precint I know is closest to her place. The response? To call ACS in the morning. Sounded like a mom who just needed a break. *rolling eyes* I call her again and leave her a message telling her she can bring her daughter over here to spend the night. No reponse. I text her and let her know I have no choice but to call ACS if she doesn't respond. Her response, "go ahead and call." I called this morning.

 

Wow.huh.gif
 

Hope the ACS does something before she does, she sounds like she may have cracked.

post #107 of 163

You did the right thing. Thank you for being part of this child's village.

post #108 of 163

Yes. It almost sounds like she knew she was in over her head and wanted someone to call the authorities... like she knew she needed help but couldn't call them on her own, and knew you would be the grown-up and make sure her kid was looked after.

post #109 of 163
Thank you mama for being there for her and her child even though you'd rather write her off. My guess is that you are her "safe person", she trusts you and knows you may see what's going uneven if she doesn't want to admit it out loud herself. She is crying out for help, otherwise she wouldn't have texted those things to you. I think you did the right thing in calling.

She may not respond to you now that she outted herself to you, at least not right away. She's probably embarrassed that she is losing control of herself and can't handle her child's issues. Hopefully she'll come around and be open to help if CPS gets involved or does come to you for help.
post #110 of 163

OP you did what you had to do, and I'm another one here who is so so grateful on behalf of that child AND that mom that you did call CPS.

 

Any news?  What happened when you called and did they screen it in?  Have you heard anything from the mom since then?

 

Whatever happens, you've been thoughtful and careful and tried so hard to weigh all the considerations at each step... I hope it's ultimately a good outcome for all involved, but whatever happened you did your best and no one can ask more than that.

 

Also want to add, your initial response to her alarming text was excellent.  To offer to take her child, no questions asked, just to give her breathing room (and hopefully prevent her from doing something awful or more awful) was a generous, caring, wonderful thing to do for both child and mom.  It's really too bad she was so deep in her stuff that she couldn't take you up on that and give a little relief to herself and her child.

 

I really hope somehow CPS is responsive and able to truly help that family.

post #111 of 163

I think maybe we are overreacting a bit.

 

NM. I read the rest of the messages and this mum needed help. However at the OP it didnt seem like she had abused or abandoned her child per se.


Edited by beenmum - 12/9/10 at 10:27am
post #112 of 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by beenmum View Post

I think maybe we are overreacting a bit.

 

MAybe she had a trauma and she needs a couple hours just to let her mind soak up what happened. I guess I cant see the calling the police reason if you have heard from her.

 

Maybe she needs something to eat and to just sit for a moment before picking up her SN kid. Kids, espcially SN kids pick up on your moods. And if she was overwhelmed then the child would be harder to steele and may react strongly. She knows her kid.

 

Give her the benefit of the doubt.

I would hate if I left my child with my friend b/c my dad just died that that friend would call the police b/c I neede time to compose myself.



For SEVEN hours beyond the time agreed on? And ignoring urgent text messages and calls? No, I don't think so. 

post #113 of 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by SubliminalDarkness View Post

For SEVEN hours beyond the time agreed on? And ignoring urgent text messages and calls? No, I don't think so. 



And not merely ignoring urgent text messages - but saying "oh, I'm just getting a bite to eat" all blase.

 

But this is already a thing of the past, there's new stuff. This whole thread makes me so sad for that little girl I could cry, I really mean that. Just thinking about her having to cry for 2-3 hours while her mom exposed her to an environment she could not cope with because of SN... having to cry for that long would make me physically ill. And her mom probably yelled at her about it to boot.

post #114 of 163

I read further and I agree that the OP did what she should have done.

 

But yes, on the surface this looked like a mum of a SN kid who needed a break. And you know it is so much HARDER when you have a SN kid to ask for help.

1 whiff that you are not completely happy and carefree with your childs disability you are on the radar of CPS. You ask fo rhelp, people assume you cant handle a SN kid and you are on the CPS radar.

 

Parents of SN kids are held to a different standard then those of NT kids. Its a fact. CPS agrees.

 

Having both worked for foster care, worked with SN kids and had my own, I have seen a mum who just needed a break and some quite time be ridiculed whereas the mum who goes out to the movies with friends is not.

 

However, THAT mum needs help.

post #115 of 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by beenmum View Post

I read further and I agree that the OP did what she should have done.

 

But yes, on the surface this looked like a mum of a SN kid who needed a break. And you know it is so much HARDER when you have a SN kid to ask for help.

1 whiff that you are not completely happy and carefree with your childs disability you are on the radar of CPS. You ask fo rhelp, people assume you cant handle a SN kid and you are on the CPS radar.

 

Parents of SN kids are held to a different standard then those of NT kids. Its a fact. CPS agrees.

 

Having both worked for foster care, worked with SN kids and had my own, I have seen a mum who just needed a break and some quite time be ridiculed whereas the mum who goes out to the movies with friends is not.

 

However, THAT mum needs help.



I get your point, but if you needed a break and felt you could not be honest about it - you still would have, say, left some diapers for your diapered child, right? You know? Packed a diaper bag with the basics. Lied if you felt you had to - "Oh, I just keep her diaper bag with everything, you never know when you'll need it!"

 

You might have, say, called back after getting an urgent message and said "I am very sorry about this, but this is taking longer than I thought. I'm not sure when I can be there. Is DD ok? Can I touch base with you again in a while? I really appreciate all your help." Instead of "oh, I'm having a bite to eat." Right??

post #116 of 163
Thread Starter 

Nothing from the mom but I feel I will hear from her again. When I spoke to ACS they told me  I should have called 911 after getting the text message about wanting to leave her somewhere. She was surprised the police didn't think it was worth going to her place to at least check on her DD. It usually takes 24 hrs. to contact the family but 60 days to do an investigation. I wasgiven a number I can call to follow up but the woman I spoke to suggested waiting a week or two. I hope they get the mom and her DD the services they need.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by LROM View Post

OP you did what you had to do, and I'm another one here who is so so grateful on behalf of that child AND that mom that you did call CPS.

 

Any news?  What happened when you called and did they screen it in?  Have you heard anything from the mom since then?

 

Whatever happens, you've been thoughtful and careful and tried so hard to weigh all the considerations at each step... I hope it's ultimately a good outcome for all involved, but whatever happened you did your best and no one can ask more than that.

 

Also want to add, your initial response to her alarming text was excellent.  To offer to take her child, no questions asked, just to give her breathing room (and hopefully prevent her from doing something awful or more awful) was a generous, caring, wonderful thing to do for both child and mom.  It's really too bad she was so deep in her stuff that she couldn't take you up on that and give a little relief to herself and her child.

 

I really hope somehow CPS is responsive and able to truly help that family.

post #117 of 163

Yes, I'm very surprised and very disappointed the police didn't do a wellness check.

 

I've heard that usually police are happy to do this - just drive by and knock on the door, that sort of thing.

 

I even had a friend do that when she was at work and her husband was not answering the phone at home. Since her husband ALWAYS answered the phone (and she tried for an hour or whatever) she was actually pretty worried. Called the police in the home town and they said no problem - sent an officer over to knock on the door. Husband was fine, the phone apparently was accidentally knocked off the hook. Point is, that was certainly something the police should have been willing to do in that circumstance.

post #118 of 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

Nothing from the mom but I feel I will hear from her again. When I spoke to ACS they told me  I should have called 911 after getting the text message about wanting to leave her somewhere. She was surprised the police didn't think it was worth going to her place to at least check on her DD. It usually takes 24 hrs. to contact the family but 60 days to do an investigation. I wasgiven a number I can call to follow up but the woman I spoke to suggested waiting a week or two. I hope they get the mom and her DD the services they need.
 



In NYC I would bet ACS has already been to her home - it took them less than 12hours to come to my home after getting called (on something MUCH less serious, and something that should not have been screened in).  ACS may not have been able to get her if she wasn't home, or whatever, but I would bet they already tried.  I'm surprised they gave you a number to follow up though, seems to me that since you are not related you wouldn't be privy to that information (although we don't know yet what they would tell you, I'm curious about that since it seems to me it would be pretty illegal to give private information out to non-family members).

 

In NYC, I'm not at all surprised the police didn't do a wellness check.  It would be nice if they had time for that sort of thing, but I'm not surprised they didn't.

post #119 of 163

Sometimes Childrens Aid Society does not respond the way we want, or parents do not respond in positive ways to CPS

 

You may want to spend some time reflecting on what relationship you want with this family if the family dynamics do not change.

 

I called CPS once on a women who I was (and am convinced) desperately needed help.  CPS did very little as far as I can tell.  Nothing about the relationship with this women changed.  She was still always in drama, always in crisis mode, and I was always rescuing her.  It was very draining.

 

CPS does not always magically fix things - figure out how you want to handle her and the situation if you hear from her again.

 

post #120 of 163

First, let me premise by saying that I think the it was absolutely wrong for this woman to lie and leave the child for hours without adequate contact or info about what was going on. However, in the end she kind of did the right thing. She didn't leave the child in a box in a dumpster. She didn't leave the child on a street corner. She didn't leave the child with some virtual strange who would do who knows what to the child. She left her child with a caring, trustworthy person. When that wasn't enough, she contacted the one person she knew would do something because she desperately needed help. Sounds to me like a woman who truly cares for her DD but can't handle taking care of her on her own and didn't know what to do about it. I hope she gets some relief.

 

It can be very difficult to get services that truly help. When I was a young, single parent, the one thing I really needed was regular, free childcare so I could get those breaks. Since I didn't live close to my mother, I didn't have that. I was involved with social services through the WIC, food stamp, medicaid and child support programs and never once was I told there was any kind of free respite care for me or my child. I was already paying for daily childcare while I worked and went to school. I could not afford to pay a babysitter to watch my child some nights or weekends for a few hours on top of that. In addition to that, I didn't know anyone I trusted enough to leave my child with. I tried to get my son into the Head Start program. It was free preschool for underprivileged children. I assumed we were underprivileged since we were poor and eligible to receive all the social services we received. I was told my child was basically too smart for the Head Start program.

 

Even now with my dh in the military I am essentially a single parent for months to a year+ at a time. Because I don't vaccinate I cannot take advantage of the free respite care provided to parents and children of deployed spouses/parents. I don't live close enough to my mom to have her watch my kids. I cannot afford to pay a babysitter on a regular basis to watch my children. Plus, going out isn't something that recharges me. I need to be able to relax at home without interruption or being constantly aware that my children are here and may need me. I don't even get that enough when my dh is home. I don't feel comfortable trading child care with another parent for various reasons. So, I'm kind of stuck. Luckily, I have not gotten to the point where I felt like I was on the verge of doing something horrible but I can see how that could happen if you feel like you have no support.

 

I guess my point is to give this mama a break. She may not have gone about it in the best way. She did some wrong things. But she did ask for help rather than something truly horrible. Let's just hope she and her DD get it.

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