If she doesn't pick up her daughter by 10:30 PM my husband wants to call the police! CRAZY 2011... - Page 8

[cschick]

..

Edited by cschick - 6/14/12 at 12:03pm

[WindyCityMom]

For you, OP    

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by cschick 

Originally Posted by gbailey 

For a split second, I was going to ask for the address of the school and go pick her up but I can't be involved in this anymore than I've already been. Apparently, calling ACS must not have helped much if the mom is up to the same old thing. Poor baby.

There's a very good chance the girl is in child protective services custody now. Preschools/daycare don't mess around with this type of stuff, after a certain period of time (30-60 minutes) they're going to either turn the child over to the police or child protective services as abandoned and let the mom make her explanations to them. Unless the mom has a very good, very provable excuse for being late and non-contactable, she's probably not getting out of this easily.

She may not get out of it easily, anyway. I don't think they're going to think much of the mom putting down an emergency contact who wasn't okay with being the contact, yk? That's kind of...over the line, imo.

[LROM]

OP if you hear anything else, please let us know.  My heart is really breaking for this little girl... and her mama too.  But I do think you did the right thing again.  Just so sad.

[Sarah W]

That poor child! I'm sorry you were caught in the middle of this. I think you did the right thing, and I hope this will have a happy ending for her child.

[sarahr]

Just bumping up to see if there was any news. I've been thinking about this poor girl.

[jeminijad]

I just read the thread.

OP, have you heard from the mom again?

[gbailey]

I haven't heard anything at all. DH and I were talking about her last night wondering if she's okay and if she picked her up after I got the call from the school.At this point, I hope no news is good news.

[gbailey]

So, I got an email from the mom this morning. The daughter is no longer in her care. She didn't go into great detail about it but I am assuming ACS removed her. She said some things about me,my husband, daughter and her daughter that I won't repeat that were beyond unkind. Any anger towards me and DH I can understand but the things about her DD and my DD were kind of shocking not to mention  hurtful but I know she's not functioning well. Long story short, her DD is not with her and she "kind of wanted to thank" me for making it so the kiddo was taken off of her hands. I'm sad about the entire thing but I hope her DD is okay and I hope the mama gets herself some much needed help.I know she has some problems but I believe  more than ever she may have a severe mental issue. I didn't bother to respond to her email. I deleted it but not before DH insisted I print it out. He thinks she's unstable enough to come knocking on our door in the middle of the night. Honestly, I'm not in the least bit concerned about that. Just hope her DD is with a nice and loving family.

[Katielady]

Whoah. Just goes to show, you handled this really well, OP. I'm sorry for what you've been through. Hopefully that poor kid will get better care now, and hopefully the mom will get the mental health help she clearly seems to need too. Maybe if she gets well she can be a mom to her child again; this might end up being a good thing for everyone involved.

[Super~Single~Mama]

You did the right thing, I'm so sorry she said unkind things about you and your family.  I hope she doesn't bother you any longer.

[scottishmommy]

I'm so sorry she said cruel things about your family. She's obviously not in a good place right now, so try not to let it get to you (easier said than done). You've been very brave and level headed through this whole thing. It's awful that you got tangled up in it!

[waiting2bemommy]

wait, so she was GLAD that the child isn't in her care? Or was that sarcasm? Either way, I'm really sorry she said unkind things about your children.

When my mother called CPS on me I said some very unkind things to her (I told she didn't deserve to call herself a mother, and to go find herself new grandchildren, because she will never lay eyes on my children again) and I don't regret a single one of them. But then, everything she told them was a lie, so a very different scenario. still, I can understand that blinding rage this mom might be feeling. No matter how "far gone" she was in terms of her mental health, I'm sure it was still a devastating situation for her. In this case it sounds like she isn't in a position to handle her dd's needs. I hope that a good and understanding worker was assigned to her so that they can help her get what services she needs and get her and her baby reunited quickly.

[karanyavel]

Originally Posted by laohaire 

Yes, I'm very surprised and very disappointed the police didn't do a wellness check.

I've heard that usually police are happy to do this - just drive by and knock on the door, that sort of thing.

I even had a friend do that when she was at work and her husband was not answering the phone at home. Since her husband ALWAYS answered the phone (and she tried for an hour or whatever) she was actually pretty worried. Called the police in the home town and they said no problem - sent an officer over to knock on the door. Husband was fine, the phone apparently was accidentally knocked off the hook. Point is, that was certainly something the police should have been willing to do in that circumstance.

At around here, persistence seems to the the key.

The police here did a wellness check on my now-husband because he'd moved cross-country out of her house and into mine (to get away from a borderline abusive situation with his parents). He was 18 at the time. Of course he was fine, but they came over, asked to speak to him alone, verified I hadn't kidnapped him or something, and asked him to please call his mother so she would stop calling the police station.

There was another situation that occurred with our neighbors when we lived in an apartment complex. The couple had been fighting and the mom went to work. When she got back, she found that her husband had locked the deadbolt, wasn't answering the door, and she could hear her baby crying inside. At first the police just said, "Oh, babies cry," but she persuaded them to knock down the door. "Dad" was passed out drunk and had the baby strapped into his car seat, screaming for God knows how long. (Yes, they split up, and Mom got custody. Thankfully.)

--K

[journeymom]

OP, I'm glad your dh urged you to keep a copy of the email.  Best of luck.

[gbailey]

Thanks everyone for the nice words. I'm not sure if she was being sarcastic or if it's because she's mentally ill.I want to think no person in their right frame of mind would be glad. I hope she has a good caseworker too and that she recognizes she needs help so she can get her DD back. I know CPS isn't kind to all parents but I'm hopeful she'll get a caseworker who wants her to get help so she can better care for her DD.

I think she's a good person who will be okay if given the right resources. Part of me wanted to  block her from email but I won't because I hope, whether it's 6 months or a year from now I'll hear from her and she'll tell me that she has her daughter back and things are going well for them. It's just too bad when people don't have the support they really need from their loved ones or when we want to give support to people but are powerless to help them.  

Quote:

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

wait, so she was GLAD that the child isn't in her care? Or was that sarcasm? Either way, I'm really sorry she said unkind things about your children.

When my mother called CPS on me I said some very unkind things to her (I told she didn't deserve to call herself a mother, and to go find herself new grandchildren, because she will never lay eyes on my children again) and I don't regret a single one of them. But then, everything she told them was a lie, so a very different scenario. still, I can understand that blinding rage this mom might be feeling. No matter how "far gone" she was in terms of her mental health, I'm sure it was still a devastating situation for her. In this case it sounds like she isn't in a position to handle her dd's needs. I hope that a good and understanding worker was assigned to her so that they can help her get what services she needs and get her and her baby reunited quickly.

[One_Girl]

It sounds like she knew she needed a very long break and a lot of help dealing with a very very difficult child who wasn't responding to her mother at all.  I know a few people who don't have their kids anymore and aren't mentally ill, two are very happy to not have their kids and aren't looking to get them back.  Hopefully this mom decides she wants to use the resources available to get her child back, but sadly not all parents feel like being parents after they see how hard it is, especially when their first child is as difficult as this child was described in your previous posts.  I wish mental illness was the reason for this, but sometimes very nice people who seem really good respond really badly to the stress of parenting.  If mental illness was a correct diagnosis for not wanting to be with your child our social security/disability system would be flooded with deadbeat parents.

I think you should try to separate yourself from this situation.  If she does have an actual mental illness, which isn't necessarily the case since she really didn't seem to during the years you knew her, it may be even more important to cut the ties because she will probably go through many up and down times with it and you will find yourself dragged deeply into a lot of garbage if you give her the chance to pull you in a little.  It is wonderful that you care about her, but you know this woman is toxic and toxic people can be a huge drain on your life if you let them.  You can easily separate now, but it won't be so easy later if you do let her back in once she seems better then turns out not to be all the way better.  I am currently kicking myself for not cutting contact with a toxic friend when I had the chance because I feel bad about telling her straight out that we need to end the relationship but I also just hate seeing her because it is a huge drain on us.  I wanted to be there for her and her son because she has problems, but they aren't bad enough for anything to be done about them unless she chooses to do something.  I wanted to be a steady influence on her son but instead he makes my dd a nervous wreck.  She doesn't do anything CPS worthy but her and her son are a huge drain on my dd and I even so.  I really encourage you to jump at this chance to block her e-mail and cut her out of your life all together.

[LROM]

Just adding my "dittos" to previous posts saying that I hope and pray her daughter is in a good, kind, safe home and getting the help she needs to be healthy and thriving... and I hope mom is in a place to take advantage of whatever supports are offered to her or to find what she needs to feel stable and healthy herself.  If she has mental issues, hopefully this situation will create some space for her to recognize whatever she needs to recognize and get help.

It was a crappy, complicated situation to be in - for ALL involved - but thank goodness for people like you who do the brave, right thing even when people are telling you not to and you stand up for a child who potentially (or definitely) needs some outside help.  And your DH was right to insist you print out the email - keep it.  You're probably right, the last thing she probably would do is ring your bell... but it's something you should have documented anyway.

I truly believe that 99.999% of parents WANT to be the best parents they can be... but many of us simply don't have all the tools or supports or mindframe to be so.  No parent is perfect, but for those who cannot adequately provide for our kids' most basic needs (love, food, safety, shelter, nurturing) in those cases, someone needs to help us because our children CANNOT protect themselves.  They can't raise themselves, they usually can't provide for themselves, and much more importantly... they shouldn't have to.  They are kids.  I hope this litter girl will get to be in her mom's home again with both of them stable and doing well.  If that can't happen, I hope they each look back on this turning point in their lives and feel it was for the best.

You handled this whole thing with incredible strength and grace and concern.

[APToddlerMama]

OP--What a tough situation, as everyone has said, but you did handle it perfectly.  I hope that things work out for this family.  Having worked in child welfare, I would suggest you think about forwarding/copying and mailing that letter into CPS and asking that it get sent to her caseworker.  There are many many good social workers who work hard to reunite 'their' kids with their parents, and it really helps to have the full picture.  If you feel like the letter is a good indictator of mental health issues, it would probably be really helpful to that worker.  Frequently, attending therapy, seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist etc are part of the case plan that could really get this mama the help she needs to address her mental health needs and hopefully be able to parent her daughter once again.  Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do.  I totally would understand if you are really ready to step out of this situation after everything you've already done.  You have really made a difference for this little girl. 

[gbailey]

The mom contacted me again last night. This time with about 40 (yes, 40 text messages). The first few were about not responding to her email, about ten asking me what I was doing and if I wanted to get together, the others were just nonsensical. After about the 39th message, I called her but she didn't answer so I left her a message. I was firm but not nasty and told her to stop texting me, I don't have anything to offer her and the ACS worker is better equipped to help her but in the meantime she needs to stop contacting me and that was that. She texted me after that and said OK. These texts were also happening very late at night but I haven't heard from her since.

Thanks for the PPs great comments and advice. I went ahead and took one-girls advice this morning and blocked her from being able to send me emails. I have to call my cell phone carrier and ask how I can block her from sending me texts. I've already put ignore as her name so if she calls I know not to answer it. DH doesn't think there's anything wrong with her at all except she takes advantage of people and manipulates them. Whatever it is, I'm done and just hope her DD is okay.