If she doesn't pick up her daughter by 10:30 PM my husband wants to call the police! CRAZY 2011... - Page 3

[purslaine]

I am glad the mom is Ok.  It sounds like she handled things really poorly - which makes me wonder if she was just at the end of her rope or a total narcissist. 

[gbailey]

Although I am angry with her I think she is at the end of her rope which is why I am online finding some community resources that may be able to help her. My husband votes for CPS. My vote is to offer her something that may be able to help her and does not  involve me watching her daughter. There were so many better ways for her to express needing some help other than pulling this b.s. I'm doing this more for her daughter but for her too. Maybe I'm a sucker but I can deal with that if it helps her.

Originally Posted by kathymuggle 

I am glad the mom is Ok.  It sounds like she handled things really poorly - which makes me wonder if she was just at the end of her rope or a total narcissist. 

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

I see this from 2 angles:

angle A) She knew you were a trusted friend, she was at the end of her rope mentally and emotionally and it was imperative that she get away from her child before she hurt her or did something she would regret. She knew she could trust you and she was afraid to say upfront just what she needed for fear you would say no or think she was silly.

Angle b) she knew you were a trusted friend and so she took advantage of your kindness to go off and do her own thing and be incredibly inconsiderate and selfish.

I think it would depend on the context of your friendship overall, which way I took it.

That. I personally wouldn't write off the friendship unless things like this a common occurrence. There is this idea in our society that mom's aren't supposed to ask for help which could have played a huge role in why she was dishonest. If it was a friend that I knew wasn't someone to just take advantage of people I would sit down with her and explain that I know it can be hard to ask for help but if she reaches the point where she really does feel the need to de-stress so much that she'd be willing to lie about that she can trust me to help her.

Before making any moves though, you should wait until you cool down too.
 

[BabyBearsMummy]

Originally Posted by gbailey 

Although I am angry with her I think she is at the end of her rope which is why I am online finding some community resources that may be able to help her. My husband votes for CPS. My vote is to offer her something that may be able to help her and does not  involve me watching her daughter. There were so many better ways for her to express needing some help other than pulling this b.s. I'm doing this more for her daughter but for her too. Maybe I'm a sucker but I can deal with that if it helps her.

Originally Posted by kathymuggle 

I am glad the mom is Ok.  It sounds like she handled things really poorly - which makes me wonder if she was just at the end of her rope or a total narcissist. 

 

Contacting CPS does not necissarily mean the child will be removed from the home. CPS often works with families helping them to access community resources and help families stay togther. If CPS is contacted prehaps your friend will be able to benefit from some respite care for her daughter allowing her to catch a movie and diner out without pulling this on some other unspecting person. Also I can help but wonder if this is the first time she has done this to someone.

[gbailey]

Good point about her possibly doing this to someone before. DH's main concern is what if we weren;t good people. What if she's left her DD in homes that are not caring or kind to her. I've never had to call CPS on anyone before and it's not really something I want to do. DH is adamant she's being manipulative in her story about needing some quiet. He doesn't buy it.

Originally Posted by BabyBearsMummy 

Originally Posted by gbailey 

Although I am angry with her I think she is at the end of her rope which is why I am online finding some community resources that may be able to help her. My husband votes for CPS. My vote is to offer her something that may be able to help her and does not  involve me watching her daughter. There were so many better ways for her to express needing some help other than pulling this b.s. I'm doing this more for her daughter but for her too. Maybe I'm a sucker but I can deal with that if it helps her.

Originally Posted by kathymuggle 

I am glad the mom is Ok.  It sounds like she handled things really poorly - which makes me wonder if she was just at the end of her rope or a total narcissist. 

 

Contacting CPS does not necissarily mean the child will be removed from the home. CPS often works with families helping them to access community resources and help families stay togther. If CPS is contacted prehaps your friend will be able to benefit from some respite care for her daughter allowing her to catch a movie and diner out without pulling this on some other unspecting person. Also I can help but wonder if this is the first time she has done this to someone.

[Jenne]

Holy Moly!  I opened the thread thinking it was a holiday helper thread based on the title!  :lol  I definitely think you need to get some community services involved, whether it is CPS or United Way or YMCA or ??? in your neck of the woods.  This was an *acquaintance* this was not a close friend.  I am just blown away!  I cannot even imagine!  I might want to keep the child frequently after this just to make sure everything is okay.  You may be the best thing this little girl has going for her.  Let us know if you need help finding local resources

Jenne

[mekat]

I'm the mother of a special needs child and have an ex that got addicted to crack cocaine.  It started off with stress, then depression and then seeking mental help.  When the mental health system didn't help him fast enough he tried drugs.  Money would go missing, he would disappear without notice for hours on end even when he was supposed to home to watch ds so I could work, he had new friends but wouldn't tell me anything about them etc...   Honestly this story is bringing back memories of my marriage a few months before I kicked him out and hired an attorney to get total custody and decision making over my child's care.  I'm not saying that is what happening in this case but if your husband's instincts are screaming at him I think you both owe it to the little girl to let someone know and investigate. 

I'm sorry but I just don't find her actions to be of a mother thinking clearly; either her thinking is muddled by stress and mental issues that can result or her thinking may be impaired by some substance but something is seriously impairing her judgment and that alone is reason enough to have her investigated.  Please remember one thing if it is substance abuse addicts are excellent liars.  Even to the day I kicked my ex out, he was still coming up with excuse after excuse after excuse of how this was my fault and our four year old's fault basically everybody under the sun was to blame but him.  I didn't know at the time he was an addict, I found out a few months later after I kicked him out.  The only thing I knew for sure at that point in time was that he was mentally unbalanced, putting my son in danger and a liar.  I knew he was lying I just didn't know what the truth was and he refused to speak the truth, just told me what ever he thought I wanted to hear and if I confronted him with his behavior it only kicked off a new round of excuses and blaming everybody but himself. 

[Marissamom]

it really, really sounds like the mom is at the end of her rope and having a hard time dealing with her kid's special needs. and doesn't know how to ask for help or where to get it. I would contact CPS to see if they know any resources you could help the mom get into contact with, let them know that you don't think the child is in any danger at this point, just that the mom seems to need more support. 

[aslyn]

Calling CPS would end the friendship in my book. If you really want to help her look for some resources or activities that her daughter can do a couple hours a week..but calling cps, well I am not sure where you live but HERE cps is so understaffed and budget cuts right and left calling unless there is abuse/neglect happening is not only a waste of resources and may never get investigated but it would tick me off if someone i considered a friend called because they thought I needed a break and I would no longer associate with them.

What mom did was wrong on so many levels, I agree but turning their lives upside down because your mad isn't going to make it better

[Bellabaz]

Wow. Wow. Wow.

She needs help and support. The way she handled this is unacceptable. If you are a trusted friend then I don't see why she couldn't just say look having a breakdown need to drop of my kid. Needing time to yourself because you are burnt out and want to throw your kid outthe window is okay. its also a sign you need to find some support services. Lying about a family issue to go to a movie is not okay. I have been really burnt out and I don't think I would have been able to make up a lie. I would have broken down in tears and said please take dd for a couple hours so I can breathe.

I think its great and very generous that you are helping her find some help. Also for the little girl. You might be the one person who knows this family needs some support.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Marissamom 

it really, really sounds like the mom is at the end of her rope and having a hard time dealing with her kid's special needs. and doesn't know how to ask for help or where to get it.

this.

I think the most compassionate thing you can do it research support options for her and give her the information.

I'm also the mother of a sn child. I understand being at the end of one's rope. What she did is wrong on so many levels, and yet I can see how it happened.

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by gbailey 

Good point about her possibly doing this to someone before. DH's main concern is what if we weren;t good people. What if she's left her DD in homes that are not caring or kind to her. I've never had to call CPS on anyone before and it's not really something I want to do. DH is adamant she's being manipulative in her story about needing some quiet. He doesn't buy it.

 

 

She might have done this before - some people are serial users/go through people.  Harsh, but true.

If your DH feels adamant he needs to call CPS then he should be the one to do it - not you.

[VisionaryMom]

I would not call CPS. While it's not ideal to leave a child for 7 hours without contact, she didn't abuse or neglect her child. She used you. If you're able to research community resources, then that's going to have the same effect as a CPS call asking for resources. (And, in fact, in our area CPS is so understaffed that they can't really respond to individual calls for support ideas.) We do have a hotline through our women's shelter that has resources for various problems available. It's not a government agency, and they would take your name (for records purposes), not your friend's names. I volunteer with the hotline and we have gotten similar calls looking for resources for friends & family members. I would search out something like that first if I needed help finding info to give her. Chances are, though, that you can just find the information on your own.

I had really terrible PPD after DD was born. It went untreated for a long time, and I stopped sleeping. That made me paranoid. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital to get straightened out. We were in a new place, and I had nowhere to turn for support for just a few hours' reprieve. So from that angle, I am sympathetic. I can't imagine that I ever would have left my child without calling the person, but I understand how things like that happen and would think it would be especially bad if you're single with a sn child.

[mamazee]

I wouldn't call CPS unless I thought she'd like dumped her baby off so she could run out and do drugs or something.  But stress and special needs, I'd sit down with her and help her research what resources are available to her.

[sapphire_chan]

My parent's policy on watching kids was that, unless it was arranged that the parent would be coming to get the child later, all kids in the house got put to bed at 9pm and parents could have their kid back at a decent hour of the morning, like 8 or 9am.

Of course, they told the kids' parents that in advance.

And if someone needed a sitter for "just a few hours" and they really needed the parent to come back on time so we could do other things, the parent would be warned that anything past however many hours would cost $15/hour (in a time and place when $5/hour was the going rate for babysitting.)

[Evergreen]

I wish she could have just said, "Hey, I'm going crazy here. Please can you watch my child for a few hours tonight so I can do just eat in peace and watch a movie. I really need you." And left diapers, clothes etc. The situation would have turned out soooo much differently.

[crunchy_mommy]

Wow.

I can't believe she did that to you. But unless you think her child is in some kind of danger, I wouldn't call CPS.

There was a day not long ago where I literally reached the end of my rope (was feeling suicidal). I wasn't able to talk about it even with DH. I would never just leave DS like that but I can understand if she was REALLY struggling that she may have been too embarrassed or overwhelmed or whatever to tell you the truth. I can't really sense from what you said (and maybe you can't sense either) whether she was truly desperate or whether she just thought it would be fun to get out & catch a movie. If it was the first, I'd try to be compassionate, but if it was the second, I'd have a hard time remaining friends with someone who took advantage of me like that.

[newmomroxi]

Wow, what an awful situation!  I'm glad that your friend was ok but she definitely handled things in the wrong way.  I think you need to look at this from her perspective before you decide what to do.  I'm assuming she's single so care of her DD falls on her ALL THE TIME.  My DH helps so much with our DS and I couldn't imagine not having him to turn to when I've lost patience.  If she has no SO or family to help her on a regular basis then I can understand her getting to the point where she is stressed and at the end of her rope.  Also, I can understand her not being able to be vulnerable and ask for help.  I am that way; luckily, my family offers to watch DS a few hours every couple of months.  Sometimes it is so hard to open up and ask for help.

I also don't think calling CPS should be the first thing you do.  Our neighbors dog jumped the fence and attacked one of our dogs.  We don't have a great relationship with the neighbors and when they said they would put a muzzle on it instead of removing it from their home, we called Animal Control.  DH and I thought it would be best to have a third party come in and handle things.  Well, that was a mistake.  It took Animal control 2 weeks to even contact our neighbor.  They did have the dog removed but they also decided to heftily fine our neighbor for God knows what and they are taking them to court next month.  We don't agree at all with the way Animal Control has handled this but they don't care what we say.  And our neighbors don't even acknowledge us anymore.  So, CPS might be helpful but once you have spoken to them, you have no say in how things are handled.  And you can bet that your friend will not be happy with you.  If you really want to help her and her daughter, you should just talk to her about this whole thing and look for some community services like you planned.

[limabean]

How sad for everyone. The mom, for being so clearly overwhelmed and feeling unable to reach out for help. The poor little girl, for being dumped off with anxiety and no supplies instead of getting to view it as a fun sleepover at her friend's house. And the OP, for being so blatantly used and manipulated. Just sad. :( 

[texmati]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad 

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

I see this from 2 angles:

angle A) She knew you were a trusted friend, she was at the end of her rope mentally and emotionally and it was imperative that she get away from her child before she hurt her or did something she would regret. She knew she could trust you and she was afraid to say upfront just what she needed for fear you would say no or think she was silly.

Angle b) she knew you were a trusted friend and so she took advantage of your kindness to go off and do her own thing and be incredibly inconsiderate and selfish.

I think it would depend on the context of your friendship overall, which way I took it.

That. I personally wouldn't write off the friendship unless things like this a common occurrence. There is this idea in our society that mom's aren't supposed to ask for help which could have played a huge role in why she was dishonest. If it was a friend that I knew wasn't someone to just take advantage of people I would sit down with her and explain that I know it can be hard to ask for help but if she reaches the point where she really does feel the need to de-stress so much that she'd be willing to lie about that she can trust me to help her.

Before making any moves though, you should wait until you cool down too.
 

really... I"m shocked! I woudln't do this to my own sister-- op mentioned they weren't even close friends. just appalling to not return the phone calls.