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If she doesn't pick up her daughter by 10:30 PM my husband wants to call the police! CRAZY 2011... - Page 4

post #61 of 163

wow, OP so nice of you to try and help her find help after all that.

post #62 of 163

I would let a week or so go by then tell her you are still mad that she used you like that.  If you feel like she really needs parenting help, I'd find her some, then back away for a while.  

 

Why on earth didn't she just say "If I don't get away from her, I'm going to lose my mind".  ??  We all feel that way.

 

Do you think something else is going on?  Like perhaps she wasn't actually at a movie and "other things"?  I'm  thinking of some illicit sex encounter that she is ashamed of and didn't want to tell you about... but, once she was there, she didn't want to leave either.  If that's the case, I wouldn't tell you the TRUTH, but I'd come up with something better than her dumb stories.  

 

Clearly, she didn't expect to be gone for so long, or she would have packed better and told you more information.  She shouldn't have let you be stressed out for so many hours worrying about her.  Even halfway through the thread I was imagining her being held hostage somewhere or worse.  I hate when people make me worry.

post #63 of 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

I wouldn't call CPS unless I thought she'd like dumped her baby off so she could run out and do drugs or something.  But stress and special needs, I'd sit down with her and help her research what resources are available to her.



Well, she lied about what she was doing, and refused to make voice calls or accurate texts which might have given indication as to where she was.   She KNEW that she was dumping off her kid for a "break" and so to continue the lie she didn't bring a pack of supplies just in case.  Then she lied when she came back until the truth sort of came out (I'm unclear as to if she actually ADMITTED she just wanted a break or if OP read between the lines).  How does anyone know that she wasn't "running out to do drugs or something"?  Nobody does.  It's not always super obvious.

 

That's the problem with lying.  You don't know where it stops.  Maybe she went out for a dinner and a movie, maybe she decided to go meet someone from Craigslist, maybe she decided to go smoke a joint and wait for awhile for the buzz to go down, maybe she went back home and slept for 7 hours for the first time in 2 years.  The thing is, if someone is that desparate to not only lie to a caregiver about time she was going to be gone but also didn't even provide enough diapers for her kid (no one would have looked askance at extra diapers--"just in case" or "whoa, I stuffed some extras in there, didn't know there was some on the bottom"), to me they are veering off into dangerous territory and showing that they are not in a mentally safe place.  This person lucked out by picking gbailey.  But they still took a HUGE risk.  And I don't think that it's fair to ask that gbailey should take full responsibility for it either (which is what hush hush don't tell is asking someone to do).  Maybe she doesn't call CPS, but I think it's important that she does call in other community groups to help. 

post #64 of 163


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

Although I am angry with her I think she is at the end of her rope which is why I am online finding some community resources that may be able to help her. My husband votes for CPS. My vote is to offer her something that may be able to help her and does not  involve me watching her daughter. There were so many better ways for her to express needing some help other than pulling this b.s. I'm doing this more for her daughter but for her too. Maybe I'm a sucker but I can deal with that if it helps her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post

hug.gif

 

I am glad the mom is Ok.  It sounds like she handled things really poorly - which makes me wonder if she was just at the end of her rope or a total narcissist. 


 


This is a frustrating situation to be in, but I think that if you are able to salvage the relationship you should give it a chance.  It sounds like this was a one time thing and not a pattern.  I have a friend who asks me to watch her son a few times a year and she is always a lot later than she says she will be when I do so, she is chronically late for everything so it isn't a surprise and it has never been a problem, she gets distracted by things and wrapped up in one thing then another and the time just flies.  I can see going out for a little break then staying longer than you thought you would.  I did that once with my dd when my mom was watching her, though I did call to make sure my mom was okay with it.  I really was at the end of my sanity, I was a single mom, dealing with a divorce, burnt out on tantrums and always having to be patient.  I am so glad my mom was there for me to be a support and even though my friend is chronically late I am happy to be her support because she is also a great mom, a really good friend, and reciprocates with child watching favors.  If I thought she was abusive or neglectful I would report her in an instant because I really think children should be set above friendship.  I think being late to pick up your child can be inconsiderate and annoying if they aren't expecting it and you haven't been upfront about what you are going to do, but it isn't abusive.  I have never cared enough about the lateness to say anything, if you do you should address it from that angle and tell her you need her to be there to get her child when she says she will be.  I think the lying wasn't a good thing, but it sounds like she is acting in ways that aren't characteristic right now and I think that your approach of giving her support is a generous one that a friend makes to a friend.  I think you should tell her you were hurt that she lied to you and that you hope she views you as a friend she can talk to honestly. 

 

She may feel like she really can't share her feelings with others because she is the only mom who has these feelings.  Sharing some of your negative feelings about motherhood may help her branch out of feeling like she has to always be a certain way.  It really helped me when I found out I wasn't the only one who had a kid throwing fits at four, or the only one still burnt out by that, my friends have also told me that they feel better knowing that I am dealing with the same struggles they are at other stages because I seem to be so patient and together.  Sharing negative feelings shouldn't be something that always consumes your friendship, but it is nice to know that you aren't the only one who has them and I think that it can make a friendship nicer.

post #65 of 163
Thread Starter 

Thanks for the great replies. I want to be make it clear, my husband doesn't want to call CPS because he's mad. Yes, he's mad  but he wants to call CPS because  he feels her actions make her a neglectful mother! I've asked him to cool his heels until the end of the week and reminded him that I don't believe CPS would take the matter seriously anyway. We're in NY and what she did isn't high on the list of what they consider neglectful.

 

My feeling is if she trusted that her daughter would be okay with me she should have trusted me to have asked me to keep her overnight. I'm not sure I believe her story or that she doesn't do this to other people she knows but I'll never know whether she does or doesn't. I have found some great resources for her. I will give her what I found and  remind her that it's okay to ask for help if she needs it. I won't watch her DD again though. I can feel compassion for what she may be going through but I don't understand not calling back once I've said it's urgent. I can't care for a child without feeling confident the mom will call back if there was an emergency.

 

By handling this situation in the way that she did, she really messed up any chance of being able to count on me for giving her a break in the future. It's not okay for her to be able to count on me but not me being able to count on her.

post #66 of 163


I am going to vote CPS because if she does have a special needs child they can help her get services.  

 

I would have also called sooner, but I had a friend in an accident and the call to police help cordonated what need to happen.

 

Also, I would worry about child abuse or neglect. Many people don't want to be involved or make excuses.  I do not doubt this is the first time she did this.  Nor the last.  

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

Although I am angry with her I think she is at the end of her rope which is why I am online finding some community resources that may be able to help her. My husband votes for CPS. My vote is to offer her something that may be able to help her and does not  involve me watching her daughter. There were so many better ways for her to express needing some help other than pulling this b.s. I'm doing this more for her daughter but for her too. Maybe I'm a sucker but I can deal with that if it helps her.


 
post #67 of 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

Thanks for the great replies. I want to be make it clear, my husband doesn't want to call CPS because he's mad. Yes, he's mad  but he wants to call CPS because  he feels her actions make her a neglectful mother! 


I know.  I think early on in thread you seemed quite angry and frantic (understandable) - so it may have come across as you were thinking of calling because you were ticked, and also because you were unsure when an appropriate time to call was/is.

 

Reading the whole thread, though, it is quite clear that while you and your DH are mad, the struggle you are having is whether to call CPS now because what she did makes her an unfit mother.

 

I might hold off on calling until after you have had a chance to talk to her.  Does she want help and is she open to contacting resources herself?  If she is open to change, and know what she did was horrible, I would not call CPS.  If she is in denial or seems to think it is OK to dump a child on a strong acquitance for 9 hours, I might make the call.

 

The cynic in me doubts CPS is going to care - they will think she left her in a responsible adults care (true). Being a user does not make one unfit (although repeatedly leaving your children with strangers, if you find out she does this, might).

 

post #68 of 163


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

Thanks for the great replies. I want to be make it clear, my husband doesn't want to call CPS because he's mad. Yes, he's mad  but he wants to call CPS because  he feels her actions make her a neglectful mother! I've asked him to cool his heels until the end of the week and reminded him that I don't believe CPS would take the matter seriously anyway. We're in NY and what she did isn't high on the list of what they consider neglectful.

 

My feeling is if she trusted that her daughter would be okay with me she should have trusted me to have asked me to keep her overnight. I'm not sure I believe her story or that she doesn't do this to other people she knows but I'll never know whether she does or doesn't. I have found some great resources for her. I will give her what I found and  remind her that it's okay to ask for help if she needs it. I won't watch her DD again though. I can feel compassion for what she may be going through but I don't understand not calling back once I've said it's urgent. I can't care for a child without feeling confident the mom will call back if there was an emergency.

 

By handling this situation in the way that she did, she really messed up any chance of being able to count on me for giving her a break in the future. It's not okay for her to be able to count on me but not me being able to count on her.


I agree with everything you've said.  I can see why she chose you to leave her DD with...you seem very rational & responsible.  Very unfortunate that she chose to take advantage rather than respectfully request help.  I really think CPS would roll their eyes and hang up the phone.  We don't like to think about it, but there are children out there being horrifically abused and neglected.  Not "late to pick up for babysitting" neglected- starving and sitting in their dirty diapers for days neglected.  This child is normally cared for well, there's really no evidence (yes, tons of speculation and conjecture, even I wonder if mom is on drugs or something, but no hard evidence) that she's done anything illegal or that CPS needs to check it out.  I also have a child with SN who has similar behaviors to the throwing and hitting when she gets tired or upset and it does take a lot of patience...I can't imagine myself doing anything remotely like this but I don't think it's CPS worthy if it's the only instance of less than stellar parenting you're aware of.

post #69 of 163
Thread Starter 



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by gbailey View Post

Thanks for the great replies. I want to be make it clear, my husband doesn't want to call CPS because he's mad. Yes, he's mad  but he wants to call CPS because  he feels her actions make her a neglectful mother! 


I know.  I think early on in thread you seemed quite angry and frantic (understandable) - so it may have come across as you were thinking of calling because you were ticked, and also because you were unsure when an appropriate time to call was/is.

 

Reading the whole thread, though, it is quite clear that while you and your DH are mad, the struggle you are having is whether to call CPS now because what she did makes her an unfit mother.

 

I might hold off on calling until after you have had a chance to talk to her.  Does she want help and is she open to contacting resources herself?  If she is open to change, and know what she did was horrible, I would not call CPS.  If she is in denial or seems to think it is OK to dump a child on a strong acquitance for 9 hours, I might make the call.

 

The cynic in me doubts CPS is going to care - they will think she left her in a responsible adults care (true). Being a user does not make one unfit (although repeatedly leaving your children with strangers, if you find out she does this, might).

 


The cynic in me agrees with you. I don't think CPS would do a thing and truthfully all DH has is, "she never called to check in,came hours late and lied." While all of that is bad, it's not I think CPS would think is grounds for an investigation. Let's hope she receives the resource information well.

post #70 of 163

I don't know if this feels too intrusive, but I wonder if you know who the pedi the mom uses is, perhaps a call to the office saying that you have a concern? Thee may be a caring nurse practitioner or physician with a relationship to mom/child, and perhaps that would be a way for someone to assess and offer some real support.  I don't know if I missed what the SN's are with the child, but my guess is that this might heighten the sense that the family needs support.

 

The child is very fortunate to have been with you, but still, mom showed extremely poor judgement.  

post #71 of 163

My son was in daycare for a couple years, and their policy was that if you were more than 30 minutes late picking your child up they called CPS because you had essentially abandoned your child. I always thought it was a bit excessive, but in hindsight it certainly ensured nobody took advantage of them. nod.gif

post #72 of 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by Organique Gal View Post

My son was in daycare for a couple years, and their policy was that if you were more than 30 minutes late picking your child up they called CPS because you had essentially abandoned your child. I always thought it was a bit excessive, but in hindsight it certainly ensured nobody took advantage of them. nod.gif



I worked at a daycare center in the 80s that had to do that ALL. THE. TIME.  I was amazed at how many people would just show up hours after the daycare closed and be surprised that they had to go find them at the police station.  (this was years before cell phones)  Usually it was just a miscommunication between mom and dad... then they'd both show up at home for a nice dinner and then realize nobody picked up the kids.   Occasionally it was an alcohol related incident.  Fortunately it was never a car accident on the way home.

 

How'd we ever live without cell phones?

post #73 of 163

While I completely agree that she needs some outside help and community resources, I think overall she's selfish and immature.

 

She had no way of knowing for absolute sure that her child would even be there when she got back. The OP could have called CPS, she could have loaded the child in the car and dropped her off at the police station, she could have had prior evening engagements and took the child along. But the fact is, the mother didn't give a hoot.

She texted because she didn't have the nerve to call, then she shut her phone off.

 

While there's nothing in the world wrong with calling your friend/relative and saying "OMG, if I don't get out of here, away from this child I'm going to lose it completely" then dropping the said child off with a loaded bag of supplies and a big thank you so much, there is something wrong with lying and abandonment.

 

I would call CPS. Not to report the fact that she abandoned her child, but that she needs immediate help/resourses for herself and her child. And I'd tell her I'm doing it so she's not surprised.

post #74 of 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Organique Gal View Post

My son was in daycare for a couple years, and their policy was that if you were more than 30 minutes late picking your child up they called CPS because you had essentially abandoned your child. I always thought it was a bit excessive, but in hindsight it certainly ensured nobody took advantage of them. nod.gif



I worked at a daycare center in the 80s that had to do that ALL. THE. TIME.  I was amazed at how many people would just show up hours after the daycare closed and be surprised that they had to go find them at the police station.  (this was years before cell phones)  Usually it was just a miscommunication between mom and dad... then they'd both show up at home for a nice dinner and then realize nobody picked up the kids.   Occasionally it was an alcohol related incident.  Fortunately it was never a car accident on the way home.

 

How'd we ever live without cell phones?


Well... There was a time when people actually communicated and made sure everyone understood what they were meant to do and had it written down if they thought they might forget...

 

I do think only giving 30 minutes before calling in CPS because of abandonment is excessive. CPS has to much to do all ready, they don't need some school official calling in a bogus abandonment claims.

post #75 of 163

You have to draw the line somewhere or people end up staying late after work to babysit for free.   My mom was one that was always late and never called, even though our family had car phones pretty early on.  In retrospect, I actually wish the schools would have had that policy.  Maybe ending up in the police station would have shown her that other adults viewed what she was doing as wrong or at least been embarrassing enough to manage her time better.  Instead I have plenty of memories of standing on curbs feeling very alone, trying not to cry as every other child was picked up and I stood there wondering if my mom forgot me (it was normally a more punctual nanny or a relative instead, luckily).  The only good I can say that came out of that experience is that I'm always early when it comes to picking up my kids, even though I'm usually a bit late for everything else!

post #76 of 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by bri276 View Post

You have to draw the line somewhere or people end up staying late after work to babysit for free.   My mom was one that was always late and never called, even though our family had car phones pretty early on.  In retrospect, I actually wish the schools would have had that policy.  Maybe ending up in the police station would have shown her that other adults viewed what she was doing as wrong or at least been embarrassing enough to manage her time better.  Instead I have plenty of memories of standing on curbs feeling very alone, trying not to cry as every other child was picked up and I stood there wondering if my mom forgot me (it was normally a more punctual nanny or a relative instead, luckily).  The only good I can say that came out of that experience is that I'm always early when it comes to picking up my kids, even though I'm usually a bit late for everything else!



There are  other ways to do that without putting more burden on an all ready over burdened system. CPS has to investigate every claim. Even the ones that come off as bogus. Around here most day cares make it clear that what you pay for initially is not an unlimited number of daycare hours and if you are late picking your child up, you will be charged for the extra time. Parents would rather be on time then pay extra.

post #77 of 163

Abandoning your children when you know a facility is closing is not bogus.

post #78 of 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by Organique Gal View Post

Abandoning your children when you know a facility is closing is not bogus.



Calling it abandonment because the parent in 30 minutes late is bogus. For all you know said parent left work with enough time to arrive before closing but got stuck in a massive traffic jam because of an accident. Or they were in the accident. Really, how would it feel to be told "Sorry you were stuck in traffic but we call the cops on you because you were 30 minutes late" or "Sorry you wife died in a car accident, but we called CPS because she didn't pick the kids up on time".

post #79 of 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by bri276 View Post

You have to draw the line somewhere or people end up staying late after work to babysit for free.



Most daycares around here charge a per-minute fee for being late.

post #80 of 163

You're assuming the daycare people are robots with no mercy. Of course they are going to try calling the parents and trying to reach their back up people first... But I do think that in the context of this thread, the OP had every right to call the police and/or CPS.

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