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Haunted by the experience, nobody to talk to

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 

My name is Valerie, I have been married for 12 years and have 3 children.  Samantha is 9, Peyton is 6 and I just had our beautiful surprise baby boy Anthony this past February.  He is 9 months old.  When I had my first baby I just had some minor baby blues that went away after a couple weeks after her birth.  The same with my second.  After Anthony came the baby blues turned into very intense sadness and crying all day, every day.  I felt so physically and mentally "off"  I was in a dark place, I was depressed and having horrible axiety.  I lost the baby weight so fast because I was too distressed to eat. I was so low, I had thoughts of just crashing my car.  I wanted to die because I thought that if I had to spend the rest of my life feeling like I had been feeling, then I did not want to live.  I never had any bad feelings towards the baby, I loved him and took the best care I could of him even through all that ordeal. I went straight to my OB 9 days after his birth.  There, I was even asked if I felt like I wanted to harm myself.  I lied and said no because I was afraid they were going to try to send me away to a hospital.  I didn't want to be away from my baby.  I was given Lexapro.  I took only 3.  That medication gave me horrble side effects.  It made me feel worse mentally and it gave me paresthesias in my legs and feet. I still 9 months later have pins and needles (paresthesias) in my feet.  I was then given Cymbalta but I could not bring myself to take it.  I was scared of the side effects. 

I honestly don't know how I got through the depression that time, I just went through  the motions of life.  I started feeling better 3 months after it all started.  My husband did the best he could to support me.  I probably should have talked to a therapist. It feels good to type it out here.

I feel like my old self again, I am not sad or depressed.  A little anxiety still but not too bad.  EVERY day I think about that time and how low I was.  It was such a bad place to be.  The fact that I wanted to die haunts me.  I can't believe that I felt that way. 

 

Anybody out there over their PPD but still haunted by the experience of it?

post #2 of 6

Thank you so much for posting this! I just recently had my 3rd child and have had horrible anxiety and i feel so sad and keep crying and I know I too can get through this. This makes me feel like I am not alone. I am haunted everyday from feeling this way. I truly thought I was going to die! My anxiety was so bad I couldn't eat for 2 weeks. Now I can eat but I went to the E.R. two times before They diagnosed me with anxiety and  ppd.

post #3 of 6

I had awful ppd after my son was born and I also couldn't eat for weeks.  The meds in combination with the anxiety just made it too much.  I am about 2 and half years after the incident and I do still feel haunted by it.  I am really working hard to not be so hard on myself and recognize that I am doing the best that I can.  I am still on meds and will likely be on them for a while, but that has more to do with life circumstances. 

 

Hang in there, mamas!  The good days certainly outweigh the bad. 

post #4 of 6

As a side note, I was also told that BF often makes PPD worse because of all the hormones involved. So there is always hope for the BF mothers with PPD that the feeling is temporary nod.gif

 

 


One Crazy Mom's crazy blog - http://mosaics-of-my-life.blogspot.com/

post #5 of 6

Thanks for posting.

I am still haunted by the PPD I experienced with my first.  After taking care of that through therapy, etc., I became pregnant with #2 and had no PPD symptoms at all!  I felt, "O! THIS is how it's(motherhood) is SUPPOSED to be!"  But now I am haunted by all my scary feelings from the past, all the "missed time" with my first daughter that I feel I will never get back and can never make up for.    I don't know what to do about these new feelings of guilt over the past, but it's good to know that I am not alone in feeling distressed over my past depression.  

 

 

post #6 of 6

I read a really good letter someone wrote called Dear PPD: I'm so NOT that into you.  I REALLY loved it and am going to write a letter myself today.. I have the link on my blog, but you can also just search the title of the letter.

 

It sounds really cathartic. Perhaps that's something that will help you process the emotions?

 

HTH

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