My name is Valerie, I have been married for 12 years and have 3 children. Samantha is 9, Peyton is 6 and I just had our beautiful surprise baby boy Anthony this past February. He is 9 months old. When I had my first baby I just had some minor baby blues that went away after a couple weeks after her birth. The same with my second. After Anthony came the baby blues turned into very intense sadness and crying all day, every day. I felt so physically and mentally "off" I was in a dark place, I was depressed and having horrible axiety. I lost the baby weight so fast because I was too distressed to eat. I was so low, I had thoughts of just crashing my car. I wanted to die because I thought that if I had to spend the rest of my life feeling like I had been feeling, then I did not want to live. I never had any bad feelings towards the baby, I loved him and took the best care I could of him even through all that ordeal. I went straight to my OB 9 days after his birth. There, I was even asked if I felt like I wanted to harm myself. I lied and said no because I was afraid they were going to try to send me away to a hospital. I didn't want to be away from my baby. I was given Lexapro. I took only 3. That medication gave me horrble side effects. It made me feel worse mentally and it gave me paresthesias in my legs and feet. I still 9 months later have pins and needles (paresthesias) in my feet. I was then given Cymbalta but I could not bring myself to take it. I was scared of the side effects.
I honestly don't know how I got through the depression that time, I just went through the motions of life. I started feeling better 3 months after it all started. My husband did the best he could to support me. I probably should have talked to a therapist. It feels good to type it out here.
I feel like my old self again, I am not sad or depressed. A little anxiety still but not too bad. EVERY day I think about that time and how low I was. It was such a bad place to be. The fact that I wanted to die haunts me. I can't believe that I felt that way.
Anybody out there over their PPD but still haunted by the experience of it?