Moms of 2+ -- HELP!

[ILovePie]

When does the resentment of, irritation toward, and sometimes almost-violent rage toward your older child stop?

Everything DS1 (2.5) does irritates me.  I just told him to shut up.  I'm trapped under the baby (nursing in a funny position because we're working out his tongue-tie.  It has been a fiasco...).  I asked him nicely to stop the irritating noise he was making and he said, "no."  I asked again.  He said, "no."  I yelled "SHUT UP" and he said "no."

So I said, "I'll hit you."  WTF????  Who have I become??? 

I'm told a lot of negative emotions toward your toddler, and generally less patience are normal.

Please tell me they go away within 2-3 months.  My poor little boy.

Though he is also kind of a jerk sometimes...

[mitintraining]

First of all!  Take a deep breath!  You are a wonderful momma, you are nearing the end of your rope and you need to take a minute breather!  Congrats on coming here and asking for help instead of just feeling like sh*t later!   You will get through this.  Try to find some games-or have someone else find something to entertain your little one(not the baby).  Then find something that you can do together when you put the newborn down/or in a wrap sling so your attention is focused on your bigger one. Try to find something that makes you remember what a great kid he is.  Then give yourself a big break, you are adjusting, your big one is adjusting.  Try to remember you will have bad moments, moments that make you feel like crap.  you can do it!  Good luck momma

[abmom5]

i find my kids are more irritating to me when i'm not giving them ALL the attention they want.  because i have lots, they can't always get the attention they want understandably.  so...my suggestion... play little games with your older one while you are nursing the little one.  silly word games, or sing songs, or read him a story etc.  it works for me.  and dont worry...i think how you feel is totally natural.  my kiddos drive me completely bonkers :)

[msmiranda]

I just want to say I feel your pain.  I am past the point of being trapped by BF, but now I am trapped by morning sickness and BOTH my kids are so much harder for me to deal with because I don't feel well enough to get up and be actively gently disciplining them as I normally try to do.  I am seriously thinking about stopping at 3 because I feel like I can't give my best self (who is still far from perfect) to my kids.  The toddler years are tough.  I had no idea how much they would test me and kick my butt and make me feel like a terrible person and mother. 

[trekkingirl]

My mom gave me a book recently that was written when she was pregnant with me. It's a little outdated but still a good read. It talks about all the parenting stages from pregnancy to teens. It really gives good advice about what you're going through.

It's called .....'Creative Parenting'

How to use the new continuum concept to raise children successfully from birth to adolescence

written by William Sears M.D.

Maybe you already know of this book but I had never seen it before and have really been enjoying it.

Hope that helps.

[Marissamom]

I haven't had my second yet, but a suggestion from one of the women in my LLL group was to have a special basket of toys for the older child to play with only while you are nursing the baby, that way they have something special to do while you are tied down and can't give them all your attention. 

[ILovePie]

It's not just with nursing.  Pretty much everything he does aggravates me these days.  I find him irritating and I just want him to go away...

It's horrible!

I'm sure that it's exacerbated by the fact that the baby is 7 weeks old and has had to have two tongue-tie releases so BF is in no way established.  Meaning I'm stressing about that, have been struggling with nipple soreness and resulting pumping, the toddler is needing extra attention (and extra nursing himself), the toddler wakes me up every freaking morning SCREAMING, the baby doesn't go to bed until 10PM most nights and he wakes up screaming because he needs to throw up in the middle of the night because he takes down so much air while he eats (this is getting better slowly).  So I'm maybe getting 6 hours of sleep a night.  DH is willing to help but often if he gets up to help, the toddler gets up and starts screaming shortly thereafter.  So I can't figure out how the hell to get some sleep.

It's a lot.

And I even have help.  My aunt is paying for us to have doulas here 3 hours a day every day this week as I re-group from the drama of the baby's tongue-tie (you can go to my homepage/blog and read what happened.  It's been nuts.).  I am only on my own during the day for maybe 2-3 hours with the toddler (because he naps).

And yet, I still find myself wanting to scream at him to shut up.  Among other things.

Ugh.

[CherryBomb]

Don't underestimate what sleep deprivation and stress can do to you.  I've been shocked at some of the things I've said and done (to dh and the kids) when I'm stressed and going without sleep.  Honestly, kids can be really annoying, and the older they get the less cute it is.  So idk that that will ever go away completely (I want to throttle my 9 year old sometimes!!) but I do think that once the bf issues smooth out and you're getting more sleep, things will get better.  :hug

[MyFullHouse]

To a point, yes, I think that's normal.  I'm 35 weeks pregnant with 4 kids at home, and I sent my oldest to his room this morning for no reason other than the fact that I couldn't stand the sound of his voice!  It was seriously making me want to crawl out of my skin!

But the tone of your post *to me* sounds like you're actually becoming afraid of yourself and your outbursts.  I do think that's something worth talking to a professional about, with a serious assessment for PPD.  Just based on my strong internal reactions NOW, my mws have made it very clear that they want to keep a close eye on that.

But yeah, sometimes my kids are just jerks.  ;-)

[nadia105]

Does your toddler have any movies he likes?  My first two rarely watched tv, but after my third was born, a movie could really save my sanity.  Pop in a movie, give him a snack, and hope for an hour or so of peace.  It was not my first choice and not the first thing I would go to, but it helped and I'm not sorry I used it!

[Alyantavid]

It gets better when your youngest stops nursing 24/7 and sleeps a little more.  At least it did for me.  In the beginning when I had a baby attached to me constantly and couldn't give my then 4 year old the attention he needed, it was hard. 

But nursing is a great time to read books or just talk.  Good luck!

[ILovePie]

Originally Posted by nadia105 

Does your toddler have any movies he likes?  My first two rarely watched tv, but after my third was born, a movie could really save my sanity.  Pop in a movie, give him a snack, and hope for an hour or so of peace.  It was not my first choice and not the first thing I would go to, but it helped and I'm not sorry I used it!

I WISH!!  Putting in a movie means more talking.  lol  He's an awesomely curious, talkative, sweet, snuggly, TALKATIVE, playful and did I mention talkative kiddo.  He just wants to discuss any video I put in!  I just want some quiet!

[ILovePie]

Originally Posted by MyFullHouse 

To a point, yes, I think that's normal.  I'm 35 weeks pregnant with 4 kids at home, and I sent my oldest to his room this morning for no reason other than the fact that I couldn't stand the sound of his voice!  It was seriously making me want to crawl out of my skin!

But the tone of your post *to me* sounds like you're actually becoming afraid of yourself and your outbursts.  I do think that's something worth talking to a professional about, with a serious assessment for PPD.  Just based on my strong internal reactions NOW, my mws have made it very clear that they want to keep a close eye on that.

But yeah, sometimes my kids are just jerks.  ;-)

I'm seeing a counselor and have been screened.  I think my tone is coming off even more extreme.  I haven't actually hit him or come close - I just can't believe I even said that!

[3xMama]

Originally Posted by CherryBomb 

Don't underestimate what sleep deprivation and stress can do to you.  I've been shocked at some of the things I've said and done (to dh and the kids) when I'm stressed and going without sleep.  Honestly, kids can be really annoying, and the older they get the less cute it is.  So idk that that will ever go away completely (I want to throttle my 9 year old sometimes!!) but I do think that once the bf issues smooth out and you're getting more sleep, things will get better.  :hug

Originally Posted by MyFullHouse 

To a point, yes, I think that's normal.  I'm 35 weeks pregnant with 4 kids at home, and I sent my oldest to his room this morning for no reason other than the fact that I couldn't stand the sound of his voice!  It was seriously making me want to crawl out of my skin!

But the tone of your post *to me* sounds like you're actually becoming afraid of yourself and your outbursts.  I do think that's something worth talking to a professional about, with a serious assessment for PPD.  Just based on my strong internal reactions NOW, my mws have made it very clear that they want to keep a close eye on that.

But yeah, sometimes my kids are just jerks.  ;-)

 I have to say that I agree with both of these posts. I am glad that you are looking into PPD. Having dealt with PPD and the anger it brings out in me, it can get kind of scary. Its like I turn into some sort of strange monster that otherwise would never manifest itself. Your statement of "Who have I become?" really resonates with me because that's exactly how I felt after the rage would go away and I'd be more myself again. If you're questioning yourself and your motives, I think then its time to look for deeper reasons. And given how long its been since your lo was born (based on your sig, about 2 months?), that would mesh with when PPD usually is thought to become the culprit of these kinds of feelings, not just sleep deprivation and stress.

I will say, I go back on forth on the help issue. On one hand, the help is great to have around, esp since you are struggling to nurse. But on the other hand, it could be preventing you from getting into a groove and routine. Therefore, you don't feel settled and don't feel as though you've got a handle on things when you are alone and you're more irritable because of that. I hope that makes sense! And if your older kiddo is acting out more, the addition of strangers in the house to a new baby around could just be exasperating his behavior issues. (Your post doesn't say specifically if he is or isn't, so I'm just speculating here.)

Maybe getting away would help you recharge, too. It might just be 30 minutes or an hour where you can walk around your local grocery store, but little jaunts out really help me relax and unwind. Though I do generally feel as though I'm forgetting something since I don't have two kids to look after!!

I hope things start to look up for you soon!

[ILovePie]

Oh, the lack of routine is a huge issue.  I was on restricted activity for almost 2 months of pregnancy, then we had visitors for a month.  I was really over having people in my house.  We were just starting to get into a groove, and I was feeling really good about mothering two when DS2 had his first frenotomy.  Then nursing actually got worse, I was in pain and frustrated and seriously thought I was either crazy or there was something wrong with the baby (because it shouldn't have gotten worse).  Turned out he was still tongue-tied.  We drove 5+ hours to have another frenotomy.  Came back exhausted.  Obviously any routine is completely shot.

I was SO over having help and ready to move on with our lives as a family of four.  I was feeling SO GOOD about mothering my two boys.  Right up until the part where I was in so much pain that I didn't want to feed the baby anymore...

I hate the way I'm reacting to DS1, but I also think that if I were calm right now there would be something wrong.  And there was about a week where I was on my own and joyful and so thrilled to be doing stuff with DS1 again.  Now I'm finding that I need to regroup with a lot more quiet and, unfortunately for DS1, I'm needing a babymoon all over again with DS2 - the pumping and pain made me feel very disconnected and was very confusing for my instincts.

Originally Posted by 3xMama 

Originally Posted by CherryBomb 

Don't underestimate what sleep deprivation and stress can do to you.  I've been shocked at some of the things I've said and done (to dh and the kids) when I'm stressed and going without sleep.  Honestly, kids can be really annoying, and the older they get the less cute it is.  So idk that that will ever go away completely (I want to throttle my 9 year old sometimes!!) but I do think that once the bf issues smooth out and you're getting more sleep, things will get better.  :hug

Originally Posted by MyFullHouse 

To a point, yes, I think that's normal.  I'm 35 weeks pregnant with 4 kids at home, and I sent my oldest to his room this morning for no reason other than the fact that I couldn't stand the sound of his voice!  It was seriously making me want to crawl out of my skin!

But the tone of your post *to me* sounds like you're actually becoming afraid of yourself and your outbursts.  I do think that's something worth talking to a professional about, with a serious assessment for PPD.  Just based on my strong internal reactions NOW, my mws have made it very clear that they want to keep a close eye on that.

But yeah, sometimes my kids are just jerks.  ;-)

 I have to say that I agree with both of these posts. I am glad that you are looking into PPD. Having dealt with PPD and the anger it brings out in me, it can get kind of scary. Its like I turn into some sort of strange monster that otherwise would never manifest itself. Your statement of "Who have I become?" really resonates with me because that's exactly how I felt after the rage would go away and I'd be more myself again. If you're questioning yourself and your motives, I think then its time to look for deeper reasons. And given how long its been since your lo was born (based on your sig, about 2 months?), that would mesh with when PPD usually is thought to become the culprit of these kinds of feelings, not just sleep deprivation and stress.

I will say, I go back on forth on the help issue. On one hand, the help is great to have around, esp since you are struggling to nurse. But on the other hand, it could be preventing you from getting into a groove and routine. Therefore, you don't feel settled and don't feel as though you've got a handle on things when you are alone and you're more irritable because of that. I hope that makes sense! And if your older kiddo is acting out more, the addition of strangers in the house to a new baby around could just be exasperating his behavior issues. (Your post doesn't say specifically if he is or isn't, so I'm just speculating here.)

Maybe getting away would help you recharge, too. It might just be 30 minutes or an hour where you can walk around your local grocery store, but little jaunts out really help me relax and unwind. Though I do generally feel as though I'm forgetting something since I don't have two kids to look after!!

I hope things start to look up for you soon!

[pregnant@40]

I am pregnant right now with my second, and just feel terrified when reading this. Your first is still just a baby, and probably has all kinds of his own issues about sharing Mom. I know you know this already, but it's just so hard for me to read this. I hope that I do not experience the same thing, for on some level I would just feel devastated for my first. Even though you have already been screened, maybe PPD is still a possibility?

[cappuccinosmom]

((((hugs))

I can totally sympathize.  It is very hard, having a toddler and a baby.  And sleep deprivation is a killer.  I was pretty much a raging monster (emotionally, not physically) for 4 years.  :( 

However, my youngest is 3.5 now and the oldest is 7.5.  We're like a completely different family.  So amazing.  They're not needy and dependant anymore, I'm getting sleep that's not broken up into 2 hour increments, their personalities are developing.  It's great. And they don't remember the sleep deprived freak of a mom they had when they were tiny, THANK GOD.

Depending on your situation, life might just stink for a while until all those different stressors get sorted out.  But it's not going to stink forever.

[porcelina]

Originally Posted by pregnant@40 

I am pregnant right now with my second, and just feel terrified when reading this. Your first is still just a baby, and probably has all kinds of his own issues about sharing Mom. I know you know this already, but it's just so hard for me to read this. I hope that I do not experience the same thing, for on some level I would just feel devastated for my first. Even though you have already been screened, maybe PPD is still a possibility?

I never could have imagined this either, while pregnant. While pregnant, my first was the most important thing in the world to me, my baby, I wondered how I could love any other child as much, as most mothers of one.

Then, I had DS2. He's only 11 weeks, but I can totally relate with the OP's post. I think this is more common than anyone talks about. Especially when you are first adjusting to the new situation.

OP, I've definitely been there. It's that devilish defiance that really gets to me! I remember when baby was only 1-2 weeks old, DS1 was playing with the saline for baby's nose, and getting it everywhere. I totally lost it with rage, and almost slapped him. I have never been violent with him before. It really scared me. Now, at 11 weeks, things are much better, but we had to change a few things. First, we totally eliminated all night nursing. We had one session that was still going on at 5.30 am. We got rid of it at about 1 or 2 weeks. It was just too much. He has just now finally stopped asking and started sleeping through (all the way to 6 am yay). Also, we are working on completely weaning him, again, for my sanity. He's turning 3 in a week and I've been talking about how he will be too old for nursing. He only does 2-3 times a day now, but it's still just too much for me. We are far enough away from arrival of DS2 and there is this clear event (birthday) not associated with DS2, so I think it will go okay.

But, it sounds like things for you are still very difficult, because of the breastfeeding problems and the lack of sleep at night. Is there anything that your first is waking up for at night? I think consistency is the key, and I think eliminating all possible distractions from sleep (like nursing) are helpful in the end. But, our DS1 still wakes up too early from time to time when I'm with the baby, and that just means he starts the day (with DH) at 5.30 am.

Regarding bedtime of your second, have you tried a much earlier one? Our 11 week old started screaming around 5 or 5.30, so I took that to mean it was his bedtime. We try to get him to a dark room by that time, and he's usually down by 6 or 7. Unfortunately, it often takes forever to get him down, but at least once he's down, he's down. 10 pm sounds really late.

Anyway, probably none of that his helpful to you, but just wanted to say I feel for you!!

[Peony]

Very common, you are not crazy, I obviously can't say you don't have a touch of PPD but many a mother has these thoughts, not many have the courage to verbalize them. I give you kuddos for coming out with this. I have 3 children, when you are like the poster that only has one, no you can't fathom having these feelings but for moms of more then one child, it can be a reality while adjusting to life with multiple children. You don't have a quiet house while you are soaking in your precious newborn, it is more like 2 small or more children screaming while you try to figure out to cry yourself or which child to help first. It is chaos, someone is always crying, needing something, and angry thoughts at a child happen. There is a huge difference between having a thought and then actually acting on it.

I know for me personally when I had my second child, I just wanted my first to disappear. I had this baby that was medically fragile and then a preschooler who was just bouncing around everywhere. I wanted quiet, to enjoy my baby, to only meet one child's needs for a while, just DD1 being in a room was annoying to me. Then I adjusted to having two children and moved one, I went through it again somewhat when #3 was born.