Possibly my worst parenting nightmare - Page 2

[chicaalegre]

I'm not sure if I can change the locks since we both own the home together. And at that point, on Wednesday when he burst in, there was no police order for no contact with the kids. I didn't speak with the police until Thursday evening.

Maybe I'm being too easy on him, but I don't think he's violent or dangerous. Then again, I wouldn't think he'd abuse our daughter either. I guess I don't know what he's capable of. There is a lock on our screen door that he wouldn't be able to get past, so I have been locking that every night. I can tell that he is coming when I'm not home, because he is moving lots of his stuff out of the house. It's weird, like he didn't really believe that when I said "I want a divorce" and "there is no chance for reconciliation at this point," I was serious. He still seemed to think that we would get back together, until he walked in on us of course and now I think is probably too angry and proud/humiliated by the experience. If we didn't have kids I think he would never speak to me again. In an ideal world I'd like to talk like grownups about this and empathize with his being hurt by finding out I was with someone else, let him know my side of it, but he is not a rational person. If he had any rationale at all I think he would be able to think about all the things I had forgiven him for when we were REALLY married and committed, and he wouldn't be able to be so mad about this after-the-fact thing.

I'm just going to get the ball rolling in terms of legal stuff sooner than I had planned. I guess the results of the forensic interview will really let us know the next step, because obviously that stuff will affect any visitation rights and scheduling in our mediation agreement. I suppose he potentially would go to jail, agh I don't know what that would look like. I guess I'll put our house on the market and just try to move as quickly as possible.

Thanks for your fierce support and words of advice!

[Super~Single~Mama]

If there is a restraining order, or a protective order, you CAN and SHOULD change the locks.  NO ONE would tell you that it wasn't ok, or that he should be able to come and go as he pleases at this point.

Change the locks.  The absolute WORST thing that will happen is that you'll be forced at some point in the future to give him a key (but I HIGHLY doubt it).

[Katie T]

I would change the locks because you don't want him going through your stuff while you are gone OR coming in as he pleases.

I also wanted to add that I would never in a million yrs thought the teen who abused my daughter would have done anything bad. He was a great kid. Just misled. I hope you get this all worked out. Also my "radar" never went off around this kid. I have had other people who I didn't trust from the beginning but he wasn't one of them. That was one of the hardest things to understand when I was talking with the therapist.

[Smithie]

It sounds like the Wednesday night break-in might have been a good thing after all (though scary and embarrassing). He finally understands that it's over and is moving his stuff out. You do likewise, get that house on the market, and put all this behind you. ANY place, even a grungy studio apt., is a step up in life for you because there will be no question of him crossing the threshold. 

It's too bad about your folks, but hopefully they will see the light as the investigation proceeds. Every other choice you make right now is trivial, as long as you are doing things right with CPS and the shrinks. In ten years you won't give a darn about any other aspect of this situation, but you'll kick yourself forever if you don't handle the abuse allegation perfectly and do your very best to get to the bottom of it. 

[Artlover86]

I've been in this situation with my 6 year old daughter, who was 3 at the time of the sexual abuse. It's hard when you see all the red flags but don't believe a father could possibly do something like that to his own child. Hope things get better for you