I'm pretty sure the harm of CIO results from the baby being unable to find you, unable to communicate its need and unable to do anything to help itself. the same definitely cannot be said for my 4yo! and tbh i don't want her to realise i will listen for 50mins how heartbroken she was that i cut her toast into squares rather than triangles, i want her to realise it's a very minor thing in the grand scheme, and eat her toast.
when something serious happens i will talk for longer, it's not like i dismiss every time she's upset as drama, but i think my response SHOWS her perspective. Your toast is the wrong shape? oh well. you're missing your non-resident father? I'm sorry, you'll see him tomorrow, you want to phone him? Your relative died? Yeah that's terrible, and we're all feeling it to some degree, want to hug and revisit the topic as often as necessary?
ymmv, i guess it depends on whether one feels one's kids are looking for external guidance on scales of hardship and perspective or just a relentlessly empathic person to hear their every ill as if all were equally tragic.
Yes, I totally get and understand this.
I have to say, this doesn't fit with my vision of AP. This sounds like CIO for the older set, and doesn't feel gentle to me. The basic idea is the same as CIO: ignore the crying and it will eventually stop. Sure, but at what cost? It isn't teaching the child a better way to communicate, it's only teaching them that their needs will not be met unless they're expressed in a way that meets adult approval. The child may be "demanding" a new waffle, but the adult is also demanding that the child speak in a certain way. The adult is doing exactly what they're asking the child NOT to do! I think the only way to get them to speak the way you'd like is to model it, yes, over and over again.
IMO, what I've underlined above from your post, lizajane, is perfectly acceptable. And it IS teaching the child to communicate, becaus eyou're not indulging/rewarding him for communicating in a rude, ineffective way. That's just my take. You tolerate and indulge negative behavior, you're reinforcing it IMO.
Edited by coffeegirl - 11/22/10 at 11:53am