Help!! I am losing patience with my 4 1/2 year olds drama - Page 5

[mamazee]

I'm a big fan of UP, and as I recall, the book says to not worry about what other people think, and to make sure you're child is physically safe, reassure them, and then to be calm and patient and wait it out.

[lizajane30]

I've never insisted that empathy is the one true solution or that empathy will stop a tantrum. Please stop saying that I am insisting on that. If you read my post carefully, you will see that I am talking about my family.

I'm the only one here being called on the carpet for mis-statements or hurtful language--but when I point out that speaking about my own personal experience is not exactly a "sweeping statement" I am ridiculed for "arguing semantics."  When I defend my position, and let you know that I don't feel that my perspective is welcome in this discussion, you say that I'm taking it personally and in fact I am welcome in a discussion where people are allowed to disagree with one another.  But then people continue to accuse me of being insensitive and hurtful.  I'm confused.

I've said I'm sorry for unintentionally hurting people's feelings with my word choice; I've explained my meaning; I've admitted (as has been requested several times) that your children are not like mine or any I've experienced; I've assured you that I'm not saying that I don't believe you, or that there's something wrong with your kids or your parenting.

I wonder if what people really want to hear  is "you're right and I'm wrong."  Do you want me to leave the thread?  Do you only want to hear from people who agree with you?

I'm frustrated that no matter what I say, people are still upset about what I didn't say, or what they think I said. 

[GoBecGo]

Perhaps you should respond to those of us trying to have a discussion instead of just those who disagree with you/rub you up the wrong way?

For example, i just said (a couple of posts back) that my DD seeks compliance rather than empathy.  Want to talk about that?  Want to talk about what else, besides empathy, might work for those of us who have kids who DON'T respond to empathy?

You don't have to respond to those people who disagree with you.  You can leave the thread or not, just as you please, who cares what people "want"?  They don't have to read your posts, they choose to, if they choose to, get upset, and post about it...oh well.  LOL, you can see, this is how i deal with all kinds of tantrums!  LOL!  Someone's contradictory experiences cannot invalidate your own, that goes for all of us.  BUt equally people will sometimes skim and misread/misunderstand/misconstrue what others say.  They don't owe you extra time to understand better, and maybe they actually understand fine and just don't agree.  That's ok too.  Try not to take any of this personally, it really isn't.  We are a bunch of people who don't know you, have never met you, cannot possibly judge any thing about you!  You cannot make people let go of their misunderstandings about your words, but you have the power to stop dissecting it all.  If you want. :)

[coffeegirl]

Been following this thread for awhile now....

Just wanted to say to lizajane that I actually don't agree with most of your posts in this thread (the approach or the parenting philosophies-- like UP, etc.-- that seem to inspire it), but at the same time it does seem like you're trying to have a conversation about this and you're just getting heaped on every time you post. I'm sorry to see that.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by lizajane30 

I wonder if what people really want to hear  is "you're right and I'm wrong."  Do you want me to leave the thread?  Do you only want to hear from people who agree with you?

I'm frustrated that no matter what I say, people are still upset about what I didn't say, or what they think I said. 

I hear you, sister.

However, a forum is supposed to be an exchange of ideas. Those of us who feel differently than the crowd should feel welcome to make our voices heard without threat as long as we've been reasonably respectful... which I think you have been all this time.

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by lizajane30 

It sounds to me like he continues to scream because he doesn't feel heard, especially if you are turning off the TV (why do this?  what does it have to do with the issue at hand?) or leaving the room. When he begins to get upset, can you "translate" his screams for him by making empathy guesses:  "Oh, you sound really sad!  Are you upset because you didn't get what you wanted?  It sounds like you're disappointed that your breakfast wasn't the way you were expecting.  It can be really disappointing when we think we're going to get something and it doesn't happen.  Do you want to tell me what you'd like me to do differently next time?"  I'm not saying that you have to bring him a new breakfast or do over whatever was done wrong.  But you can let him know that you hear his disappointment and would like him to let you know how it could be better next time.  

I don't think this is unreasonable behavior for a 4.5yo.  Strong emotions are hard to control and express in a constructive way at any age--when someone makes you really mad, it's hard not to raise your voice or use hurtful words.  It's hard to instead be vulnerable and admit to being hurt. 

My son is just about a month older than yours, and we deal with this sort of situation all the time.   They're still young, still learning how to navigate in a world where they often don't have power or choice!  The only difference is, my son doesn't need to escalate his behavior because rather than seeing it as a power struggle or thinking of him as being manipulative, I make sure I've heard clearly what the upset is about, and give him the tools to express himself in a different way.

I see a lot of PPs have advised not "giving in" to the tantrum.  In my experience, this only makes a stressful situation worse.  Basically you're telling an upset child that you don't care about what they're crying about, that their feelings and needs are less important than your need to "control" your child's behavior.  I don't see my methods as "giving in."  I see them as working together to meet everyone's needs so we can all be less stressed and have a better time of it.

If we model compassion and understanding, they WILL get it someday.

Thanks for this. I just posted on my 4.5 yr olds behavior and I need to make sure I empathize before disengaging from the screaming. Of course these "little things" are a big deal in their world. I just need to figure out a way to get my son to respect our ears, while I respect his need to be heard.