The crying gets to me...how do you handle it?

[flower01]

I posted in Parenting about my struggles with my 3 and 1 year old.  My son cries a lot and it's very difficult for me to get anything done.  I hear many people say you just have to plus through...and I was able to do this with my DD when she was a babe. Sometimes I udnerstand that they have to just stand at your legs and cry if you need to do something like make dinner. The problem is that I am not in the mental place to handle it. I struggle with depression and anger and the crying just really really wears on me...i end up yelling at my DD for no good reason, just because I can't hear myself think.  I can't think clearly to make dinner or strategize anything about our life. 

Today is a bad day.  I just need some peace, but in order to have quiet it means that i have to just stay outside all day or be inside getting NOTHING done.  I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to eat because the soup that i had planned is not going to be ready before we are hungry. 

I just don't know what to do for myself in these moments...the truth is that I'm Catholic and previously I would pray. But, that doesn't work anymore...trying to pray just frustrates me and makes me more angry. 

I

[Birdie B.]

That sounds really hard. I don't have much help, I'm afraid.  When my daughter is being clingy and whiny it really grates on my nerves too.  I have learned to tune it out, to a degree. This really helps me get through the rough patches.  I hope this phase ends soon - for both of us!

[marinak1977]

 could you possibly wear him on your back in a mei tai while cooking? DS lately started wanting to be held a lot while I make dinner, but he doesn't mind if he's worn instead

[CherryBombMama]

im so sorry youre feeling so frustrated. i have a 19m and a 2m old so i know those days were everyone is crying, including me! i have to say, for dinner - i plan it out a week ahead, so this way the ingredients are always in the fridge. then during nap time for ds1, i do as much as i can for dinner (chopping, combining ingredients, basic prep) that way when things need to get cooked when everyone is up, its way less stressful.

i also agree with wearing your ds on your back. is that an option for you? sometimes i even have to put the new baby down in a bouncy seat (which i hate) and wear ds1 just so ds1 can calm down and get mommy time.

and i know this isnt the healthiest or budget friendly idea, but when i have those really bad days, we do take out. burger king and in n out has saved my sanity quite a few times, and im ashamed to admit that i have spent gas money on take out on a few REALLY bad days. mamas cant do everything, and little kids can take a toll on you.

in those moments of complete frustration, i go to the living room and give my sofa and really hard SMACK! (lol) seriously, its a way to vent without hurting anyone or yelling. then i just give in and realize nothing is going to get done and i go hang out with my babies. this doesnt always work, esp when i *need* to get something done, like getting ready for the doctors, but some days just arent worth the fight. my dh has heard me say, "today just didnt happen." more than once.

good luck mama :hug

[LindsayK]

I have a 3yr old DD and a 4 month old DS. I've found that I get super snappy with DD when DS is crying, and get so much more stressed out. So, I have just made a new rule for DD... when baby is crying, she needs to not talk or make noise in the same room. I realized that when DS is crying, I basically can only take care of him, and can't deal with DD - whatever it is she wants/needs, I just end up snapping at her, and she doesn't get what she needs anyway. So, she's learning to just wait until peace descends, and then attack me with her demands. Its made dealing with DS crying a lot easier. I still get stressed out with the crying, but at least the stress isn't compounded! Maybe this would help you, too. It took a little while for her to learn the rule, and I still have to remind her, but I think she gets that she isn't going to get what she wants when DS is crying whether she is talking or not!

[D_McG]

Well first what are you doing for your depression?  Are you sleeping enough?  Do you get enough breaks?  (I have found taking my kids to the gym so they can play while I work out did WONDERS for my issues).  I also had to get a grip on sleeping.  Going to bed when tired (not staying up later because I was so happy to be alone) and nightweaning/weaning.

Crying really wears on me too so getting us on a schedule and being clear about expectations was key.  There have been times when one of mine was pulling at my legs and crying and predictably I'd give in and then be holding them, frustrated because I was really hungry and just wanted to finish chopping the onion (or something equally short).  And of course there are times when that still happens but being really consistent has made us more calm.  I think saying no but then picking her up anyway (in this example) was confusing to everyone.  

So now, if I'm cooking then they know that I just need about 15 minutes to get myself together and they have to do their own thing.  I really don't deviate from that unless I really have to and we settled into the routine without too much drama.  I also take time during the day for other things.  Like a break here and there.  A solo shower if I feel like it (mostly they come in the bedroom while I shower).  Basically putting myself first sometimes has really changed the dynamic in the home.  

I used to hate the whole 'if mom's not happy, nobody's happy' thing but it's making more sense to me as we grow as a family.  

[TSomm]

I feel for you.  I'm in the same boat.  I'm also dealing with PPD and on Rx for it, but I go from zero to frustrated in no time when she's crying.  The ergo on my back has done wonders for making dinner, but I just don't get the alone time I need.  I'm on duty 24/7. 

I'll be watching this thread for other pointers.

[dayiscoming2006]

Well, my advice might not be popular, but I have a fenced off area of my house (oldest's bedroom and livingroom) for my recently turned 2 and very close to 4 year olds. They both have crying/screaming spells that can nearly drive me crazy. So, if I've done what I can - made sure it isn't something they need or something - I just ignore it and since they have the fence. I go off into another room to clean or whatever else. I couldn't stand it if they were clinging on me while screaming/crying. My oldest can scream loud enough to hurt your ears. They also get time outs if it seems to be getting out of hand. I put them in the bedroom by themselves and close the door for a little bit - 5 minutes or so. Sometimes that'll calm them, sometimes they'll stay screaming but at least it's behind a door to give me a little half peace though I still hear them. That's my advice. I know it's tough. Just try your best to stay calm. Focus on breathing, etc. 

EDIT:

Wanted to add for younger babies. You just let them cry sometimes - if you can't find anything else wrong. Put them in a safe place to cry it out or you can babywear if that calms them down. Like PP said though, sometimes you need to not have baby right on you for your sanity. Or maybe cuz your back is hurting or whatever.

And, anyone who recommended some scheduling is very smart. I recommend it highly. I would have gone crazy if I didn't figure out that some scheduling made for happier children. I schedule meals/breastfeeding and sleep. I don't fully schedule breastfeeding til the milk supply is well established though.

[plantnerd]

My son (13 months) will do the climb your leg and cry/scream thing.  I'm working really hard on just ignoring it, but it's hard.  Not that he is doing this all day and I'm kicking him to the side, but if he wants to be held and I'm busy cooking/on the phone/etc.  he needs to learn that whining is not the way you get mom's attention and does not acheive the desired effect.

When it really gets to me or it's dangerous (oven opening, etc) I will put him in the childproofed living room (also his playroom) behind a gate.  It is right next to the kitchen so I can keep an eye on him, but 9 times out of 10 he will stop and begin to play with his toys once he's separated from me.  If not, well, tough stuff kiddo, moms got to make dinner sometimes!