Angry at my mom...

[texmati]

I can tell this is going to be disjointed so I apologize.

First off, my mom is normally really great. We aren't friends or anything, the way that my sister is, but I've always admired her, and I would like to be a mom like her.

I just really resent her when I think about my son's birth. I had a section with GA. I was on IV drugs. I barely remember between getting to the hospital and holding my son. It's all a haze.

before I had even left the hospital 4 days later, my entire extended family all new what a horrible birth I had had, how awful the hospital and midwife were, how awful the ob and anesthesiologist was etc.

We've talked about the birth maybe twice since my son was born,  once ended up with her crying and saying that maybe she had PTSD (and she's not dramatic, so maybe she really does), and the other was a giant screaming match.

I just feel like her attitude had such a large part in my viewing the experience as negative and horrible. I just wish I had a chance to process the experience myself and make up my own freaking mind.

It's all gray. I feel like I can either choose to believe that the section was life saving and necessary and good call, and how wonderful that everyone involved gave me teh best chance at a vaginal birth or that I made bad decisions in choosing a hospital, midwife, pain management during labor, and my stupidity robbed me of those precious first moments with my son.

There is no way to know... no way to know for sure. So i just have to choose. And I really am angry with my mom for making that choice for me. I'm so confused, and I feel like I'll never have peace with this.

At the same time, I can't just not think about it anymore because I"m due in 10 weeks with #2. I would love to be ok with my son's birth before birthing my daughter.

[MsBlack]

Texmati--

It is hard to know what to say....not sure what the question is, I guess.  Can you elaborate? 

One thing I can say is that in the end, your previous birth is what it is...and healing means, in part, acceptance.  Does it have to be 'good' or 'bad'?  Can you allow that in various ways, it was both/all--allow that experience to simply 'be'?  Can you allow that it is part of your whole life, with value in that it apparently saved your baby's life...and potentially with value and meaning in it that only you assign for yourself?  That is, only you get to decide how you can learn from the experience, what it says about you as a person--or how it can help you to grow in spirit.

It is so hard when people we're close to get too involved with our personal events...boundary issues are tough, especially between mother and daughter.  Seems that there is a need for you to claim this for you, and basically kick your mom out of the picture.  You can allow that she has her feelings/beliefs about that birth, and that those belong to her alone; allow that her feelings/beliefs are partly about her attachment to you, and partly about her birthing beliefs...and are hers. 

I've found that given the way I'm built personality-wise, troubling experiences get reviewed obsessively at times, including all possible pros and cons of choices I and others made, things that could have been done differently, etc.  This can drive me crazy!  And in the end, I have to choose acceptance, and choose to stop torturing myself....allow myself to move on.  You will soon be in labor again, and I can hear how much you want to have this issue laid to rest so that you can proceed without the emotional interference you are feeling (your own and your mom's feelings).  I think this has got to be first, your choice to lay it to rest...to begin to work at laying to rest this dispute between the 2 of you.  I'm not saying it's 'easy', even if it's 'simple'.  Only that it is a choice you can make, and work at, for your own sake, for your coming baby, and for your relationship with your mom.

all the best as you sort it out!  happy birthing, mama...

[Super~Single~Mama]

Have you looked at your medical records?  I've seen here on MDC, other mama's who have looked to their medical records to find out what is in them - might give you some clarity about what happened?  HUGS mama, relationships between mom/daughter can be tough sometimes.

[texmati]

Ms black, thank you so much for your post. It's incredibly eye opening, even though it makes so much sense, that I don't know why I couldn't come up with it myself.

My mom has her own experience, feeling etc, and she has a right to those. I don't know why I want/need her to say that everything was fine and dandy, when she doesn't believe that it was. I don't know why I keep wanting to argue with her. I wrote this post after literally picking a 'fight/discussion' with her (probably why the op doesn't make total sense).
 

My husband has a shocking ability just to absorb the experience and move on. No analysis, no need to talk about it, no reliving it over and over in the dead of night. I wish I had that ability, but perhaps it's a skill I can learn.

Originally Posted by MsBlack 

Texmati--

It is hard to know what to say....not sure what the question is, I guess.  Can you elaborate? 

One thing I can say is that in the end, your previous birth is what it is...and healing means, in part, acceptance.  Does it have to be 'good' or 'bad'?  Can you allow that in various ways, it was both/all--allow that experience to simply 'be'?  Can you allow that it is part of your whole life, with value in that it apparently saved your baby's life...and potentially with value and meaning in it that only you assign for yourself?  That is, only you get to decide how you can learn from the experience, what it says about you as a person--or how it can help you to grow in spirit.

It is so hard when people we're close to get too involved with our personal events...boundary issues are tough, especially between mother and daughter.  Seems that there is a need for you to claim this for you, and basically kick your mom out of the picture.  You can allow that she has her feelings/beliefs about that birth, and that those belong to her alone; allow that her feelings/beliefs are partly about her attachment to you, and partly about her birthing beliefs...and are hers. 

I've found that given the way I'm built personality-wise, troubling experiences get reviewed obsessively at times, including all possible pros and cons of choices I and others made, things that could have been done differently, etc.  This can drive me crazy!  And in the end, I have to choose acceptance, and choose to stop torturing myself....allow myself to move on.  You will soon be in labor again, and I can hear how much you want to have this issue laid to rest so that you can proceed without the emotional interference you are feeling (your own and your mom's feelings).  I think this has got to be first, your choice to lay it to rest...to begin to work at laying to rest this dispute between the 2 of you.  I'm not saying it's 'easy', even if it's 'simple'.  Only that it is a choice you can make, and work at, for your own sake, for your coming baby, and for your relationship with your mom.

all the best as you sort it out!  happy birthing, mama...

[MsBlack]

You're welcome!

It would be SO great if our mothers and other loved ones could just learn to say things like "sure, I would have made some different decisions, but that's just me....honey, I know you did your very best, and had your good reasons for the choices you made.  I totally support you and love you, that's always true even when you make decisions differently than I would have done"

Right.  Not usually quite that easy.  But I bet your mom would let it go, if you will...maybe it's just something that doesn't have to be discussed again.  I know I tell my grown kids when I do and don't agree with them...and then shut up.  After they've made a decision, I support them 100%, and never ever ever say "I told you so".  But they know better than to ask me directly to discuss such things in the future.  I'm going to be loving, but always honest.  On some things, we may never agree and I will never pretend for the sake of them feeling ok about their choices...growing up means learning to live w/your choices for better and worse.  It's their job to come to peace within themselves, not mine to try to give that peace to them (which wouldn't really 'stick' anyway, would it?).  But they know they can always have my loving support, mother-to-child, no matter what they do....if that makes sense. 

[texmati]

Originally Posted by MsBlack 

.growing up means learning to live w/your choices for better and worse.  It's their job to come to peace within themselves, not mine to try to give that peace to them (which wouldn't really 'stick' anyway, would it?).  But they know they can always have my loving support, mother-to-child, no matter what they do....if that makes sense. 

yes, this make so so very much sense. I know I have 'stunted growth' in this area of my life. If you look at my husband, career, house, cars and even my 401k contributions--- they are exactly what my parents would have chosen. My' screw up' sister, on the other hand, is so much more confident in her decisions! (not a real screw up, but a *gasp!* marketing major, who has a boyfriend who wears muscle tees, and occasionally buys 100 dollars purses). But she's strong. And I see my mom leaning on her when she needs help.

I need to find my own peace with this, and stop tying it up with what my mom thinks.

As an aside, I visited a the VBAC friendly ob in our city for a consult. Listening to him talk, it seems like he'd have also done a section in my particular situaiton.

I also did request the post op notes, which don't really tell the whole story, but I wanted to find out what kind of sutures were used. I noticed that they had called a special nurse to resuscitate DS after the birth, which made me feel that they really did feel that he was in emergent danger. (He was fine).

Keeping your post in mind, I did not run to my mom with this information. lol! But I'm trying to make a decision to view this section as sucky, but necessary.

[MsBlack]

Well, I too had a 'sucky but needed csec'...took me years to just accept that as it was and be fine with it.  I still hate that it had to happen...but also truly DO feel finally that it was needed--and that makes it so much easier to live with.  Never thought I'd be in a position to be glad of a hospital birth, and especially surgery, after 5 homebirths!  But I know it was life-saving for my ds...so my 'natural birth fanaticism' has had to learn to integrate this into my ideas of a 'good birth'.  Like I said before, it wasn't good OR bad...it was both...and it just is what it is, in the end, a part of my life that I've decided I can live with even though I still have some moments occasionally when it still hurts and the 'bad' aspect is foremost in my feelings (he's now 12--a great guy, healthy, and well-worth whatever it took to get him here!).

[VisionaryMom]

As much as I tried to deal with the trauma of DS' birth, which caused him what will be lifelong problems, I didn't really heal from it until after dd was born. With her labor, I felt more in control. I knew what was going on, and it was easier to see after that experience what had happened with DS and come to terms with how I'd handled it. So maybe once your new child is here, it will make things a little easier.

[texmati]

I was just re-reading this thread. Thank you all for the wonderful advice. It really, really did/does help.

Edited by texmati - 1/17/11 at 4:00pm

[Usually Curious]

I am so glad that you resurrected this thread. My dd is pg w/her first and is using the same MW that I used w/my 6th (last January). I had a rough delivery and recovery due to some of the things I allowed this MW to do and the aggressive 3rd stage management of her assistant. My dd was there and saw it all, was there during my recovery and knows my feelings on it.

We agreed that if she used this MW that she would need to be firm, have a birth plan and an advocate. My dd knows that I am not sure whether or not I would ever use this MW again. 

Now that she has met with her and committed to using her, I am feeling a little weird. I thank you so much for this thread and posting the daughter's viewpoint. This will be her birth and her experience and I will NOT allow my negative birth experience to factor in. This is all about my dd, not me. 

Thank you so much!

[texmati]

Congrats on grandmotherhood!

I think there is so much tied into becoming a mother-- for me, DS 'birth experience' is part of a bigger 'growing up' for me. I'm finally (at 29) at a place where I can feel a longing to break free and become independent from my parents, and these are huge decisions that I'm making on my own. I think that there will always be some friction that causes pain on both sides of the mother/daughter relationship when it happens. (Just like so much of being a parent, I'm learning!).

The transition to motherhood is a rough one and I'm sure your daughter is lucky to have your support!

Originally Posted by Usually Curious 

I am so glad that you resurrected this thread. My dd is pg w/her first and is using the same MW that I used w/my 6th (last January). I had a rough delivery and recovery due to some of the things I allowed this MW to do and the aggressive 3rd stage management of her assistant. My dd was there and saw it all, was there during my recovery and knows my feelings on it.

We agreed that if she used this MW that she would need to be firm, have a birth plan and an advocate. My dd knows that I am not sure whether or not I would ever use this MW again. 

Now that she has met with her and committed to using her, I am feeling a little weird. I thank you so much for this thread and posting the daughter's viewpoint. This will be her birth and her experience and I will NOT allow my negative birth experience to factor in. This is all about my dd, not me. 

Thank you so much!

[Usually Curious]

Our joke has always been that she is a 'grown ass woman' now. I've really tried to back off and let her be independent. For example, choosing this midwife. If I had my druthers, she'd run the other way but I don't want to force my will on her.

We had a talk about it tonight. She asked me to be with her and advocate for her during labor because she suspects her dh won't be as, um, forthright as I can be. I told her I'd think about it. It will be kind of weird, I think.

Originally Posted by texmati 

Congrats on grandmotherhood!

I think there is so much tied into becoming a mother-- for me, DS 'birth experience' is part of a bigger 'growing up' for me. I'm finally (at 29) at a place where I can feel a longing to break free and become independent from my parents, and these are huge decisions that I'm making on my own. I think that there will always be some friction that causes pain on both sides of the mother/daughter relationship when it happens. (Just like so much of being a parent, I'm learning!).

The transition to motherhood is a rough one and I'm sure your daughter is lucky to have your support!

Originally Posted by Usually Curious 

I am so glad that you resurrected this thread. My dd is pg w/her first and is using the same MW that I used w/my 6th (last January). I had a rough delivery and recovery due to some of the things I allowed this MW to do and the aggressive 3rd stage management of her assistant. My dd was there and saw it all, was there during my recovery and knows my feelings on it.

We agreed that if she used this MW that she would need to be firm, have a birth plan and an advocate. My dd knows that I am not sure whether or not I would ever use this MW again. 

Now that she has met with her and committed to using her, I am feeling a little weird. I thank you so much for this thread and posting the daughter's viewpoint. This will be her birth and her experience and I will NOT allow my negative birth experience to factor in. This is all about my dd, not me. 

Thank you so much!