How to acknowledge nice stuff done by toxic Mother In Law

[rightkindofme]

Let me explain.  No, it will take too long, let me sum up: my husband's mom was pretty horrifically abusive growing up.  She has some serious psychological problems that have never been treated.  I have met the woman once and it didn't go well.  I will never set foot in her house again.  We have made it very clear that my kids will never be around them unsupervised.  Luckily they live in Texas and we are in California.

Fastforward a few years and a couple of kids.  The boxes of stuff from them are a steady stream.  Shockingly awesome stuff--to be clear.  Given the weird/ugly/strange stuff they have gifted my husband over the years this is truly amazing.  I love her taste in little girl clothes and a lot of it she makes herself.  She periodically includes notes explaining why she is sending stuff the way she is or where she got it from.  That's pretty much the extent of my communication with anyone in my husband's family.  Well... that's not true.  I send out the Christmas letter with a bunch of chatty news and send lots of pictures.  My husband calls them about once a month.

Here's my dilemma: despite my fierce reputation I'm actually a very nice person.  I feel bad that we have successfully eliminated any grandparents from my kids' lives.  (My mother is a whole different flavor of toxic user.)  I have a very dear, very close, long-term friend who is acting Grandpa--but he also lives 800 miles away.  Ugh.  Just ugh.  I feel like I want to extend some sort of olive branch because his parents have absolutely 100% acted within the boundaries I have set up over the past three years.  But... uhm... she still has all those untreated psych issues.  (Like she goes on hours long rants about how everyone is out to get her.  No really, she has mental health issues.) 

So in the views of the mostly anonymous internet... should I just leave things alone?  They are following the rules we set and there is zero conflict.  If I open the door just a crack who knows how badly it might go.  I'm not a terrible person for keeping my kids away from them when they are behaving reasonably--right?  Would she still behave reasonably?  Ugh.

Another side note: (man I love colons) my father in law is freakin awesome.  He's a good man.  But a total enabler.  When my husband was talking to him about future visits my father in law said, "Well I don't know why you are worried about your children getting punished too harshly.  As long as they behave nothing will happen."  Right.  Uhm.  Not.

And that's my novella for the day.

[greenmulberry]

I would send her a nice note and maybe a picture of the kids wearing the clothes or something. I think you should reinforce her good behavior.

It would be a good way to test the waters on how her "head" is, but certainly don't open up any invites to a visit or anything just yet. Maybe she is seeing a therapist who is guiding her on how to reach out appropriately??? 

I have a crazy Grandma, she has alienated most of the family over the years, some of her daughters in law to the extant that they leave the house if she visits. My mother (her DIL) will not visit or be around when grandma visits. She threatened my husband on our wedding day. She is such a toxic person and just nuts (I don't know another way to say it). Occasionally, she does something very nice like sends us a nice card and some money. In that instance, I give her a call and we have a nice brief chat. That's the most contact I can manage but I feel it is appropriate if she actually does something nice.

[Thalia the Muse]

I agree -- send her effusive thank-you notes, including lots of pictures of the kids in the clothes she makes, and maybe have the kids make thank-you cards or draw pictures to send to her (OK, not the infant!).

It sounds like, given her mental health, she has still found a positive way to be involved in your family's life through these gifts. This is a way in which she can love her grandchildren, although she's not capable of doing so appropriately in person, and I'm sure it's good for the kids, your husband, AND her. That doesn't mean that closer contact would be a good idea, but accept her gifts warmly. It sounds like you're already doing a great job of that! I think it would be hard for a lot of people to be gracious about thanks, sending pics, and chatty Christmas letters given the family history.

[peainthepod]

This is a tough one, because with toxic people gifts almost always have huge long strings--no, cables--of obligation attached. As long as she's staying within the boundaries you've set regarding acceptable versus unacceptable behavior, there's no harm in accepting the gifts. Just don't let the gifts change your expectations of her (i.e. don't let this fool you into thinking that she's changed into a better or healthier person) and don't make the mistake of assuming that because she's sending such lavish gifts, you're now obligated to let her see your children. You aren't.

It sounds like you're still in contact with these people, so it doesn't seem amiss to accept gifts from them. If you were no contact but accepting the gifts it might seem hypocritical. I would never take anything from my own toxic parents; we are totally estranged and I want nothing to do with them. But it doesn't sound like that's the case here.

If/when the crazy starts coming out again, you can always reset your boundaries or change them as needed. For now, as long as you're not uncomfortable receiving the gifts and they're age-appropriate and the children are enjoying them (and most importantly, your DH can handle the attention from his former abuser), I don't see the problem with letting her play Grandma.

I do find your FIL's statement pretty chilling and it would only reinforce the decision to keep them away from the children. That is just the sort of thing an abuse enabler would say, isn't it?

[lilyka]

Well, you can never go wrong with a hand written thank you note.  Also, send a few pictures along of the kids in the clothes.  Chances are she will not respond to the note and no response means she will not be able to drag you into drama.  In the mean time, you have been very kind, warmly and sincerely thanked her for her gifts. I would assume they were given out of love. not out of a desire to control, unless she starts trying to use them to control.

[rightkindofme]

Yeah, at this stage there isn't much she can control.  If she stops sending the presents we'll shrug and move on with our lives.  (But MAN! They are great presents!  She sent this gorgeous hand embroidered dress from France.  We aren't poor... but we don't buy stuff like that...)

Thanks ladies. :)  I will try to do the thank you card thing.  Normally I just make my husband call and pass along any of my additional information about size changes. :)  I didn't grow up with thank you cards so they are rather foreign to me.

[Tigerchild]

It sounds like your boundaries and structure are allowing her to happily be involved with fun things for her grandkids.  Leave it alone.  Continue with the chatty letters and thank you notes.  Be sweet and nice yourself--while still firmly maintaining your boundaries and structure.  Don't anticipate or overanalyze a big problem--you're strong enough that IF it comes up you know you can deal with it.  It sounds like you guys are in a great place of accepting MIL for who she is, right now, and putting a structure into place where she can continue to be safely involved.

When a kid is doing great with his tricycle and everyone is having fun watching him play, do you then slap him into the pilot's seat of a 747 because he's mastered the most basic of vehicle transportation?  Not without expecting catastrophic damage to himself, and the deaths of many innocent people.

It's the same thing with dealing with a mentally ill grandparent.  It's not loving, kind, or responsible to put them in a situation where they are bound to not only fail big time but take out a lot of collateral damage.  Allow them to do things that they can handle and enjoy, even if it's not the ideal or what everyone wishes could happen (esp. people who have had a lifetime of looking the other way and/or pretending everything is normal so they don't have to deal with it).  Enjoy these sweet interactions now.  Maybe there will be more, maybe eventually she will crack again.  You don't know what will happen, but you are capable of dealing with it--might as well just love her were she is and keep her and you guys and your children safe.

[gbailey]

I think you are dealing with the situation well. I agree with the PP's who said send pics and a thank you note or what about art work that the children have doodled on? It seems like things are going well the way they are. I wouldn't want to rock the boat.

 

Originally Posted by rightkindofme 

Yeah, at this stage there isn't much she can control.  If she stops sending the presents we'll shrug and move on with our lives.  (But MAN! They are great presents!  She sent this gorgeous hand embroidered dress from France.  We aren't poor... but we don't buy stuff like that...)

Thanks ladies. :)  I will try to do the thank you card thing.  Normally I just make my husband call and pass along any of my additional information about size changes. :)  I didn't grow up with thank you cards so they are rather foreign to me.

[Tigerchild]

Adding, because the "edit" window is doing something weird for me--

I empathize with you, OP.  My mom was and unfortunately still is, occasionally, mentally unstable and abusive growing up.  She still does some super crazy WTF stuff sometimes (not directed at my children, I am the focus of her rage).  I would NOT go over the top flowery thank you, to be honest.  That kind of super emotional gooey stuff can be like a red flag to a bull, especially if she is making an effort to be normal and calm.  I made the same mistake over and over again because I really needed my mom to love me and not be weird and abusive.  Unfortunately, she can't handle that type of emotional intensity, and I have to be very careful about my actions/words because she can often read intensity where there is none as well.

What you are doing is working.  I wouldn't seek to change it.  At all.  It's often a very fine balance, and right now whatever it is that you're doing seems to have found that sweet spot.  Eventually it may shift, but I wouldn't borrow trouble.

So enjoy your interactions with her now.  Like your MIL, my mom is big into objects and gifts.  It took me a long time to be able to let that be because I was needy for more intangible and didn't care about things.  If she has extra stressors come into her life, and starts to go south, you may need to ask her to cut back or ignore.  I think with clothing it doesn't hurt to send pics of the clothing being worn BUT I wouldn't give immediate feedback unless that's what you're currently doing--she may feel entitled to that if it happens too many times in a row and that can create problems.  It's hard, because your instinct is to "be nice"--but to give a lot and then settle back to normal may feel like a withdrawal to her which can set off the rage.

[Tigerchild]

I would actually strongly advise against adding Thank You cards to the line up unless you are prepared, truly, to do them EVERY time in the exact same timeframe.  Otherwise, if you do it for awhile and then time gets away from you and you start to forget, you are likely to get a nuclear reaction.  I think it's better to add random suprise letters "From the kids" than to to do thank you cards unless you're extremely disciplined about it--that is upping the intensity she gets after a gift (she already gets a call from her son) and that may upset the apple cart as well, esp. if she feels when you miss a time or are late that something has been withdrawn from her.

[dakotablue]

Has she gotten help? any...

My aunt is I think bipolar. When my cousins were young she was abusive...really abusive. She is now on meds. and honestly, I really like the women its weird because her parenting advice (although not what she did but I honestly don't think she remembers doing those things) is aligned with mine, she really nice and pleasant and caring. That being said, she would never watch my kids.

I think sending photos of the kids wearing what she got and thank you notes or drawing would be nice.  If she is truly toxic, than I'd worry about strings. If she just has mental issues, I'd still keep the distance but allow her to enjoy the kids a little more from afar.

[rightkindofme]

Tigerchild, you are probably right that changing what we are doing would cause problems.  No, she hasn't gotten any help.  The FIL says that things are more stable these days but he can barely acknowledge that there has ever been a problem so I don't pay much attention to that.  

Yeah... I'll never be consistent and good at thank you cards.  Just won't happen. :)  That is just not a way I want to spend my time.  Most of the sending pictures happens in one big batch around Christmas.  At this point most of our present giving to them at all revolves around giving them pictures of the kids because they are weird rich people who can buy anything they want.