How do you know when you are ready for #2?

[cyclamen]

Before I was every pregnant, my BF and I talked casually about having kids.  I was one of two, and he was two of four, and we thought that having three kids sounded just right.  While I was pregnant, we sort of solidified the idea that we wanted to at least have two kids, but probably three.

Well, DD is almost 18mo, and most of the women I know with kids around that age are either pregnant with the second or have given birth already!

On the one hand, I felt strongly at a year that I didn't even want to think about a second kid until DD's second birthday.  But lately I've been starting to think, "Yeah, it would be sweet for DD to have a sibling."  I don't want them to be too far apart.

But at the same time, although we are in better jobs than we had before DD was born, we're not financially stable.  I don't feel like I can choose to conceive a child when we still don't have any savings.  Also I feel like things have just gotten easier, and it's really nice.

I love that my brother and I are only 2.5 years apart, and we've been really close since high school.  But DD isn't me, and if we have another child, he or she won't be my brother.  Still, my BF is also close with his two younger siblings, but says he doesn't really know his sister, who is ten years younger than him.

I don't know.  I guess I am not ready yet.  I have certain physical strength, financial security, and sexual (yes - sexual ... we didn't do it for 8 months after DD was born, so we gotta get our fun in now!) goals that I think I want to meet before we have another baby.  And right now I can't even imagine what it would feel like to be ready, mostly because of the financial thing.

It wasn't scary with DD because we had no idea what was ahead of us.  And while I really believe another child would be a joy... it's frightening!

How did you know when you were ready?

[lilyka]

I just knew I didn't want any more time to go between #1 and #2 .  I didn't care about any of the other stuff you mentioned because we didn't have it for #1 so why would we wait on that for #2 and besides, we weren't getting any younger.  It ended up taking a year for me to get pregnant.  Its a good thing we started trying when we did.  They are 3 1/2 years apart which felt like too much.  #2 ans #3 are 2 1/2 years apart which felt much better.  #3 was unplanned though.  as in I cried when I realized I was pregnant.  I was so not ready.  Lily was still in diapers, nursing and not sleeping (forget sleeping through the night.  she was not sleeping) and my marriage was a pile of crap.  Worked out though.  #3 was so much fun as a baby.  I also got 3 out of 4 of the other roadblocks worked out in the nine months I was pregnant. 

[Mrs.Music]

I don't know... I just suddenly really wanted another baby. Which was a complete 180 for me. Before having kids, I wanted 4, 2 years apart each. But then I had such a rough pregnancy and gave birth at 27 weeks... and I never wanted to do it again. But one day I woke up and wanted another. So we decided to get my implant out and use NFP until we thought the time was right (we decided Oct so we could have a summer baby)... But I got pregnant that first month. Lol. And then baby was early. So he has a March birthday, not July. But they play SO WELL together most of the time. They fight like crazy too. It's a great age difference. I'm glad to be doing it again. Though this wasn't exactly planned... :) It works out really well. DS will be 22 months when the new LO arrives.

[pregnant@40]

 I think you'll feel more ready when things start to feel more secure. If you're young, there is time now to work on your financial situation & other goals you laid out. There is no reason to rush. My kids will be 6 years apart when this second is born. I've been doing a lot of reading about age spacing lately, and research & anecdotes seem to indicate that 4 years apart is often ideal. Regardless, don't rush into it until you just feel in your gut that the time is right. Yeah, it's definitely a gut thing rather than a logical decision.

[youngspiritmom]

I agree - trust your gut. For me, it was obvious when I moved from "I want another baby, but I'm still a little anxious and not quite ready" to "I want another baby and I'm ready!!! Yay!!"" Don't rush yourself, and trust your instincts and feelings.

As for finances, romance/sex, careers, I totally get you wanting these things to be in a good state before your second. Maybe shoot for bench marks (a little saved?) to where you can feel ready. But keep in mind that life will always go on when you have a baby and/or are pregnant....I personally don't think anything will ever be 100% "set" before you plan your baby.

Good luck Mama :) <3

[treehugz]

Originally Posted by pregnant@40 

I've been doing a lot of reading about age spacing lately, and research & anecdotes seem to indicate that 4 years apart is often ideal.

I've read this too.  Isn't there a "3-to-5 Saves Lives" campaign or something like that, saying that it's healthier/safer for mom and baby to space kids at least 3 but less than 5 years apart? 

My dd is 2.5 years, and I'm just not ready either.  I love the one-on-one relationship I have with my dd, and I'm not ready to give that up yet.  Also I was on bed rest for 3 months during pregnancy and will certainly be again with #2... it would be nice for dd to be a little more independent (like pottying alone) before committing myself to bed rest, ya know.  We have financial concerns too... an extra house/mortgage that we haven't been able to sell and are trying to get ready for rent using the last of our savings.  I'm content with our family of 3, and I'm really not sure we're going to have a #2... but since I'm a worrier, it's better if I don't even consider it till we're on the right track financially and dd can be a little more independent. 

My sisters and I are all >5 years apart, and we're very close.  Growing up, we were all at different stages, so we got a good amount of individual attention from my parents, and there wasn't too much competition.  I never wished we were closer to the same age.

[peainthepod]

I can't pinpoint how we knew, exactly. DS was about 14 months old and I was about to turn 30 when we decided to try for a second. We knew we wanted four, and I wanted them to be fairly close in age. I had heard of secondary infertility and didn't want to waste too much more time, so around my birthday, we tried. And I got pregnant on the very first time, just like with DS.

It was a bit of a shock, and I had a lot of doubts and second thoughts during the pregnancy. Being hugely pregnant with a toddler was very challenging and it was complicated by the fact that we were moving a couple thousand miles across the country when I was six months along. DH was gone on business for most of the pregnancy and I lived alone in a country house with DS with no friends or family nearby to help. That was pretty horrible sometimes, especially when I got sick with a chest infection that kept me almost bedridden for a week--and no one could come to my aid. I nursed DS as long as I could until my supply finally dried up when he was about 20 months old and he weaned himself. That was also very hard for me, looking back, but it happened without any sort of struggle so I guess he was ready.

Now he and the baby are 23 months apart and things are hard, but not impossible. I'm glad they're so close in age and VERY glad to find that going from one child to two children has been much easier than going from none to one. We still had most of the baby stuff from the first time around, and it was much easier to settle into the routine of caring for a newborn. It also really helps that DH is around all the time (he's a WAHD) and can be so supportive.

Anyway, I don't know if we were ready, or if anyone is ever ready, KWIM? When we were talking about trying for our first, we came up with a dozen reasons to talk ourselves out of it--we were renters, DH's job moved him around a lot, we didn't live near family, we didn't have anything saved for retirement yet so how could we even begin to think about supporting a kid, etc. etc. etc. But in the end, having DS--and later, DD--turned out to be excellent decisions and as far as I know, neither of us has any regrets.

[ibis]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. We need to add a maternity rider to our insurance 6 months before we even conceive, so we're trying to figure out when to do it - ASAP, so we can try again this summer? DH and I have both always waffled a little about whether to have one or two, and always agree on two... but suddenly I find myself so nervous! I feel like we have to decide pretty soon because I'm 32 now and don't want to wait too long or the space the babies too far out. Oddly the thing that makes me feel the most frightened is actually that everything went so well with my last pregnancy and birth, and our son is so healthy and wonderful, I can't help wondering could we "hit the lottery" twice in a row? And like a previous poster, we're financially stable but not flush, so I worry about upsetting the balance there too. Ultimately I think that my husband, who is less of a worry-wort, is going to benignly push me toward just going for it. :)

[MrsBone]

well, I'm still not ready and I'm 18 weeks pregnant. We weren't really planning, but weren't avoiding that well either. DS was 20 months when I got pregnant. We were going to start actively trying in January 2011, but I guess just one time of "well, I think we're safe" but not sure did us in! That happened the first time too. I considered myself lucky that it happened so easily though. Yeah, still freaking out about lack of sleep, dealing with 2 under 3, and how it's going to affect our marriage, splitting my time between two kids, etc. I really wanted DS to be weaned and potty trained before conceiving again, but I'm glad it happened this way. Now they'll only be 2.5 years apart. Plus, I think we're going to be done after this one, so it was good timing. I don't think there's any way to ever be completely prepared, financially, emotionally, etc. You just have to do it and know that things will change, some good and some bad and be willing to roll with it!

[youngspiritmom]

Originally Posted by MrsBone You just have to do it and know that things will change, some good and some bad and be willing to roll with it!

I love this piece of advice. So simple, so true, and very inspiring! Thanks, it made me feel like everything will be OK if I have a 2nd one :)