Leaving 1-year-old with a babysitter?

[SollysMom]

DH's company holiday party is coming up in December, and DS2 will be a year old.  We'd like to go, but are very reluctant to leave the kids with a babysitter.  We've left DS2 exactly once - we went out to dinner for our anniversary when he was 9 months old, and left the boys with a friend from our AP group whom DS1 adores.  She'd watched DS1 a few times before, for a couple of weddings and while we were at the birth center when DS2 was born.  DS2 does not know her as well as DS1 does and he cried pretty much the whole time we were gone (luckily it was a short dinner and not far away).  We knew that at least with our friend and her husband, they did their best to soothe his crying and not take the attitude that some people have that "babies just cry sometimes."  But we still felt awful about it and decided he wasn't ready to be away from us.

My parents and sister live locally and I know that they would JUMP at the chance to babysit.  I believe DS2 would be a little more comfortable with my mom or sister, whom he knows better than our other friend.  But I still really worry because even with them, he usually cries/fusses if I leave the room even to go into the bathroom or something quick.  Also, it doesn't help that the holiday party is a Sunday evening when we normally do family dinners, so if my parents watched him it would be very chaotic at their house with my sister/BIL and their two boys as well (5.5y/o and 7mos).  On one hand it could be helpful because my sister could help with the baby if BIL had their kids under control, and also my 5y/o nephew is great with the baby.  But on the other hand, I worry that it could be one of those things where with extra adults and kids, one person might not focus on DS2 as much as he needs.  We're considering splitting the boys up, taking DS1 to our friend, because he can be a real handful and we're not comfortable with the way my dad and BIL discipline.

The thing is, deep in my heart, I feel that if we leave DS2 with anyone he will cry and it won't go well.  When my friend had him, she called us to tell us that he was upset and she couldn't calm him down, so we knew to hurry and get back as quickly as possible.  My family will not do that; they will try to be heroes and think they are doing us a favor by not interrupting our evening.  I really do want a night out with DH, our anniversary dinner was the first time in a LOOOOOOONG time and it was pretty much ruined when we heard how upset DS2 was.  I know more mainstreamy people would say we should just go, we need couple time, DS2 will be fine and/or get used to it and/or one night of being upset won't kill him.  But I feel like it will ruin our night if he cries a lot (and we'll be able to tell, even if my mom doesn't tell me) and it seems so selfish to leave him if he's not ready.

Any thoughts, advice, opinions, experiences are appreciated.  Thanks in advance.

[Dancerchic1981]

I always had a lot of trouble leaving my kids with anyone, including my mother. DD1 never cared if we left and never really seemed to notice. She went through that attachment phase at 2 but otherwise didn't care.

DD2 was ridiculously attached to me. I couldn't even go to the bathroom in my own home without her. Forget taking a shower alone. She is almost 6 and while she isn't that extreme anymore, she still hates being away too long. (She has developmental delays though and is in the 3-4 age range.)

All that being said, I still had to leave my kids. I have 2 week old twin boys and already had to leave them with my mother twice. Something I absolutely didn't want to do but had to. Even if it was my husband I wouldn't've wanted to leave.

Sometimes, you just have to leave your kids. It isn't something you'll enjoy doing but sometimes you just have to.

In your post, I can tell you really don't want to. If both you and your husband don't want to, then don't go. If he really wants to go though, then maybe it would be best to go. There have been a few times DH really wanted to go out and I didn't want to leave the girls so we stayed home. That put a bit of a strain on our relationship for that time.

It also wouldn't make much sense to go if the whole time you'll be distracted thinking about your kids, you know?

Good luck!e

[SollysMom]

Thanks so much for the reply.  The funny thing is, I really really do want to go to the party.  I just know that I'll regret it and feel bad afterwards if we find out that it was very hard on DS2, and I believe in my heart that it will be.  With DH and me, it's actually the opposite of you and your DH.  He's even more reluctant to leave the boys than I am, and he doesn't feel the need to have a date night while I really would like to have one every now and then.  I definitely understand that sometimes we just have to leave our children - that's how we learned to trust my friend with DS1 because we had a wedding we were both in and HAD to attend (or like when DS2 was born).  Something like a holiday party is optional though, of course.  It's tough because he may feel he needs to attend (it's a small company so will be noticeable if he doesn't go) and if I don't go with him, we'll get 20 questions and all kinds of judgement (both from his coworkers and from my family).  The best scenario I can actually think of, though it would be a lot to ask, would be to see if my mom and sister could come to our house to watch both boys.  It's not so much the location that matters, but it would be a nice/non-awkward way of saying we'd rather not have my dad or BIL there, and we could do it under the guise of "they'll be more comfortable in their own home".  My worry with splitting them up would be that it would take us even longer to get to DS2 then, because our friend who could watch DS1 lives closer to the location of the party, and my parents/sister live closer to our house (and it's a 15-20 minute difference).

I so wish we could just bring DS2 with us.  If it were a cocktail type party I could just wear him in my wrap the whole time, he's usually pretty chill out in public.  But I'm pretty sure it's a sit-down dinner and that would not be good.  Plus, I don't even know if we'd be allowed to bring him.  If it were a newborn I wouldn't think twice about bringing him, but a 1-year-old is different.

[Zangua]

Could you pick someone now and do a few 'practice sessions' where you are close by, but let the babe get a chance to spend time/get to know the caregiver you pick who will be the most attentive, loving and patient with him?

My DD is 7 months old and last month I absolutely HAD to do two full days of work at a time when my husband was out of town. My mother took care of her and we warmed up to it- so the first time I left her she did cry the whole time, but it was only for an hour- and my mom rocked and soothed and sang to her. The next time she only cried for 15 mins- and then the third time when I was gone for the day, she didn't cry at all.

Just a thought. Babe may need to know that you 'endorse' a person and spending a lot of time with them will help.

I hope you get to enjoy your party!

[SollysMom]

Originally Posted by Zangua 

Could you pick someone now and do a few 'practice sessions' where you are close by, but let the babe get a chance to spend time/get to know the caregiver you pick who will be the most attentive, loving and patient with him?

My DD is 7 months old and last month I absolutely HAD to do two full days of work at a time when my husband was out of town. My mother took care of her and we warmed up to it- so the first time I left her she did cry the whole time, but it was only for an hour- and my mom rocked and soothed and sang to her. The next time she only cried for 15 mins- and then the third time when I was gone for the day, she didn't cry at all.

Just a thought. Babe may need to know that you 'endorse' a person and spending a lot of time with them will help.

I hope you get to enjoy your party!

I've been sort of trying to do this a bit.  Not leaving him, but when we get together with my mom or sister I try to leave the room for short frequent bursts to get him used to them.  Sometimes he cries when I leave the room and sometimes he doesnt.  My 5-year-old nephew is actually a great help in playing with/distracting him.  Maybe a 15-minute trip to actually run out somewhere would work - like to run to the post office or something.

I mentioned to DH last night that maybe we should skip the party, and as I feared, he suggested that maybe he should go alone.  I really do understand why he feels he needs to, he's the new guy (been there 9 months) and it's a small company so it might look bad if he doesn't go.  I just feel like since he has more ties to the community (his job, his networking group, the charity for which he's on the board, even more of his friends live locally) there are always events that he's obligated to go to so he goes alone.  Last month there was a wedding he was in and our whole family was invited, so even if we wanted to leave the boys with my parents or sister we couldn't.  Even my in-laws came in from out of town for the wedding!  I was the only person who didn't get to go.  This was only a week after our anniversary dinner, so I did feel that we made the right decision, but it sure did stink at the time.  I will add that my husband does a great job of taking the boys so that I can go do stuff alone or with friends every now and then (like my neighborhood book club, for example) but sometimes I'd like to do stuff WITH him.
 

[snoopy5386]

I'm feeling this myself. DD2 is 7 months and we've yet to leave her with a sitter. When DD1 was a baby we lived much closer to family and I was fine with leaving her with them for the rare date with DH, but now we are farther away and DD2 doesn't know them (or any other adult) well enough to be left with them. I also know she would cry the whole time, so we haven't gone anywhere yet, but I really really want to!

[TabithaB]

Do you have 2 cars.  Sometimes even now, DH and I will go to some function of his and we will take two cars and I can excuse myself early if I need to or want to.  That is what we did when the kids were little.  We still do it just because sometimes one or the other of us doesn't want to stay as long as the other one does.  Sometimes I like to make an appearance and get the heck out of there or sometimes I want to stay and play. 

Both of you can go out and enjoy each others company and still enjoy his office party and one or the other of you can excuse yourself at the appropriate time.

[hakeber]

I find that if DD sense I am in the house and can hear her she will fuss and cry until I come, (She must be able to smell the milk or something) but if I am gone gone (from what I hear) she's happy as Larry.

Start leaving him for an hour at a time, then two hours and so on.  He will get used to them and get used to the idea that you are coming back. 

Have fun at the party and relax.  It will not scar him for life if you go to a party for a few hours and you deserve a night out after more than a YEAR!