Any SAHMs with WAHDs?

[kwoodchuck]

After having the house to myself (and my 2.5 yr old sweet girl) for about 4 years, my DH is now working at home!  Oh my, what do I do?!  Is there anyone else going through this?  

I'm one of those 'introverted' folks who likes a lot of privacy, or at least something that feels like it.  My 2 yr old is kinda the same, so it has worked out quite well for us!  We have moved to a smaller, one-story house as well...he does have a bedroom down the hall that is his office, but of course we can't just confine him to that all day...he needs to "come out and stretch his legs" etc... and it is nice for our LO to get to see him a bit during the day.  It's great that there's no commute either...and it makes lots of financial sense..... but, egads!  I don't know if I can handle it!  I just don't like the idea of him walking in to where I am at, at any moment, unannounced...and of course make comments on what I'm doing, or make demands of some sort, or whatever.  I know that we could also benefit from some general housekeeping and learning of better comm. techniques (couldn't we all?!)  in our relationship...but still, the few folks I've talked to about this who have been there or considered it say it is very hard and I have their sympathies. Of course for my DH, he is in heaven and the choice is nothing but wonderful for him, so I don't get much support there. 

I am already planning to get out of the house more...but he doesn't want me to be 'gone during dinner' very often, etc...ack.  Plus we are starting a farm so I have plenty I should be doing at home anyway...I think this would be going a lot better in the spring/summer when I have more to do outside!

So...I'm just looking for support, others in this sitch, and any tips/tricks/whatever to help this go more smoothly... 

thanks!!!!  

[CherryBombMama]

my dh doesnt WAH, but he is home all day since there is no work going on for him right now. i actually posted something similar to your question.

i am also very introverted so what i have been doing when he has messed up my daily routine is just to ignore that he is there. i dont ignore him, per say, but i let his comments and suggestions just slip into thin air! i have even told him, "pretend you're at work. when youre not here, i dont do that." and move on.

its so hard to have dh home. good luck to you! :)

[mommariffic]

I feel for you. DH worked from home for almost two years on/off [more on than off] and it was hard.

Negatives first, it's hard especially if you're introverted! For me the problem was that we had no set work vs family time. DH would do snippets throughout the day, but was often in his office. That was hard because I like having him say okay, be home from 6pm on and it's FAMILY TIME! (although now he commutes and is home at 9ish..so I'm not sure which I'd prefer) but anyway that was tough! It's also annoying (for me) to feel like I have to provide snacks and lunch throughout the day. And it was tough for DD to be like DADDYDADDYDADDY when he needed time. And you know quiet during conference calls...

BUT the good side is it's nice to have a pair of extra hands if you really need it. And we could have an early dinner - now we are doing dinner alone [well me and the kiddos] so having that was really special.

[kwoodchuck]

Thanks CherryBomb!  Would you be able to direct me to your post?  I'd love to see the thread!  

D'oh, just got another 'demand' / addition to my 'priority list'...yippee!  

Thanks, 

Kristin

[CherryBombMama]

Originally Posted by kwoodchuck 

Thanks CherryBomb!  Would you be able to direct me to your post?  I'd love to see the thread!  

D'oh, just got another 'demand' / addition to my 'priority list'...yippee!  

Thanks, 

Kristin

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1277167/dh-got-sent-home-from-work#post_16029709 

[savannah smiles]

There have been a few threads like this over the years here so if you have the time to do a long search, you can probably find them, lol!

My dh has been working from home for the past 4 years and it was really hard the first year, mainly because I had an infant and a preschooler so the kids were home a lot and I felt stressed trying to keep them quiet whenever he was on the phone and stuff like that.  Now that I have a kid in 3rd grade and a preschooler, things are much easier.  I still love it when he takes work related trips because I have the entire house to myself again but, overall, I enjoy having him home. We have the flexibility to go out and do things together during the day, like we did recently w/ car shopping and buying, and it's nice to have someone else who can be home to get a kid off the bus, stay home w/ one while I take another to a class, etc.

What makes it work for us is that we're both introverted.  I have a WAH job that I do on my computer and he mainly stays in his office or the tv room and we tend to come together again at the end of the day for dinner, just like a typical family.  He's on his own for lunch unless I bring something home or make something for myself and extra for him.  I think our kids don't know how lucky they have it to have both parents home but I'm happy they're growing up this way!

[Smithie]

We have been doing this for two years, and I think it's going very well and has greatly improved our lives, but there's definitely a period of adjustment. 

"I am already planning to get out of the house more...but he doesn't want me to be 'gone during dinner' very often, etc...ack."

This a battle that you need to fight and win. I am out of the house maybe six evenings a month, because several of the community things I'm involved with schedule their meeting to accommodate WOH folks. Sometimes DH is not working and can watch the kids, but most of the time I hire a sitter, start dinner before I leave, and she serves up the pasta, fruit and veggies to the kids and brings DH a plate while he's on the phone. The kids' needs are met. DH's needs are met. He can like it or lump it, and after a few months of whining he basically let it drop. 

Similarly, the all-day nagging just needs to be stomped on until he changes his pattern. Put a little humor into it: "Bill, when you materialize in my kitchen during your workday and tell me how I can improve myself, I feel like whacking you over the head with a frying pan. You are not my supervisor. I did not request a performance review. Here's your soda, now go back to work." The phase "you are not my supervisor" was a staple of my vocabulary the first yeah my DH was home, and it did eventually sink in. It probably helped that when he made a GOOD suggestion or pointed out something that truly WAS causing problems in the household, I tried to address the issue. But criticizing your wife is not actually part of the thinking man's coffee break. It's a bad habit and it can be unlearned.  

[BarefootScientist]

My husband doesn't nag at me during his work day. I guess I am lucky!

DH is working at home right now. I'm not sure for how long. He is out "in the field" usually 1-3 days a week though so that helps, that he's not around every single day. His "office" is also pretty out of the way - we've tucked him back in the closet between the master bedroom and master bathroom lol. But he still comes out all the time and just wanders around, and yes, I have to admit that drives me insane. The other thing is trying to keep DS out of there during work hours. He (DS) doesn't seem to quite get the demarcation between working and not working yet, so I have to constantly remind him. But we haven't lived here that long, hopefully that will get better.

The nice things are that the work day is shorter, because no commute. As soon as DH is done with work, he is done - he doesn't really seem to need a transition/decompression time right away like he does when he comes home from the office. And it is nice to have him around, in case I need him for something, and just to say hi to every now and then. We have yet to really get into a groove because he started working from home in September, we were just getting used to the arrangement and then we had a fire in October in our apartment building and had to find a new place, and we just now got the office set up and stuff in the new place so that he can actually work here. It's his second or third week at home. I hope we find our stride with it and that he can continue! He will have office space available in December again, but I am hoping by that time he won't want to go back and can stay working at home. We will see.

[lemonapple]

DP works from home...but I literally NEVER know IF he'll work that day, how long he'll work, how many TIMES he'll choose to work...SIGH. VERY frustrating for me as I never know what to plan for my days. (DP is a professional poker player...online games mostly)

Add to all that that we seem to be perpetual travelers never in one place for longer than a few months at a time, and I could absolutely lose it some days. And, then I remember how involved DP is with ds...how he was able to share all those 'first moments' with me...and how awesome it would be as a child to grow up with a Daddy as available and PRESENT as he is....I guess it's a fair trade. 

And, yes, those ever present requests and demands..."could you make some coffee?", "could you fix me a sandwich...""Why is he (ds) crying?"

When they start coming too frequently, I pack ds up for an all-day excursion, and take a break for the day ;-)

[peainthepod]

Hi there! I SAH and DH has been working from home for a couple of months. It's been a really tough adjustment and we haven't ironed out all the wrinkles yet, but here are some things that work for us:

-He has his own office (main floor of the house, just down a short hall from the living room where DS and DD and I spend most of our time) with a door that closes and locks. When that door is closed, he's totally unavailable. I encourage him to close it often.

-It's understood that if he's making something involved for his breakfast or lunch, he'll make enough for 2yo DS to have some. He doesn't have to make any for me but it's nice when he does--but I never ask, because I know his time is limited. DS, on the other hand, will freak out and tantrum if he doesn't get some of whatever DH has, so he makes extra. He cleans up after himself (this took some adjustment--for awhile it was like he thought he had his own personal maid, which drove me insane!) and accepts that I'm not at his beck and call (but I've been known to bring him a drink or snack from time to time ).

-We set up our guest room in the basement (nicer than it sounds) and also put together a gated off area for DS down there. When DH and I are grating on each other or he needs extra quiet/privacy, I take the little ones down there. DS plays in his little area and DD and I snuggle on the guest bed while I read or browse the web or whatever. Having that separate space is really helpful.

-When all else fails, I bundle everyone up and we leave the house. Even if it's just to go for a short drive, getting everyone out seems to rebalance us whenever we're too on edge around each other. DS gets tired and might even nap in the car, DD is lulled to sleep, and I can sip a coffee and have a little time to think. It's really cold and snowy here now (single digit temperatures) so playing outside for very long simply isn't an option, but I still try to get us out of the house at least five times a week just for something to do.

In some ways having DH here is harder than when he's gone, but I cherish the time he gets to spend with the children, and it's pretty awesome to have him here in case something goes terribly wrong (like when a pipe burst under the house a couple of weeks ago and I couldn't get hold of our landlady as water gushed into the walls).

[Adaline'sMama]

My DH owns a landscaping company. He is home 4-5 days a week from November to Feburary. So, we are on week number three and he has learned a lot about how being a SAHP works. Ive been leaving the baby with him to run errands. Also, when she is fussy and he is screwing around on the internet while Im cleaning,cooking, doing finances, ect., I plop her down in his lap and his "personal time" gets interrupted. He has complained about feeling so "smothered" since this started. I do think he is learning a lot about how much work it is to be a parent full time. He has already started feeling a little insecure about how it is so much eaiser for me than it is for him.

[texmati]

subbing. my dh wah's and I currently woh, but am considering sah. I'm interested to see how this dynamic plays out.

[Angelorum]

Well, I'm not strictly a SAHM, as I'm in school, but I'm only in class for 1-2 hours a day, so I'm mostly home.  DH has worked at home for himself since he graduated 4 years ago.  I definitely know what you mean about feeling like you're being watched, like you can't take a break and eat ice cream or watch tv without "getting caught".  But, I remember feeling this much more when the situation was new.  I can't really relate to being asked to fetch snacks/coffee/whatever.  Dh has just never been like that.  We usually fend for ourselves for breakfast, lunch and snacks.  Though occasionally if one of us is making an omelette or something more involved we'll inquire whether we should make enough for the other.  But that most definitely goes both ways.  We both share whatever we're eating with ds if he seems interested.  I am in charge of dinner every night but Sunday, dh doesn't work on Sunday, so he takes the opportunity to cook a big fancy meal, we both look forward to it every week.  We both wish we had more time and energy for house work, but health problems and sleep problems are making that really difficult for us right now.  I know it bothers dh more than it bothers me, but thankfully he's mostly kept his mouth shut about it.  I'm doing well if I can manage to keep up with the dishes and laundry everyday.  Dh does his own laundry though.  I do the diapers/towels/sheets and clothes for me and ds.  Honestly I probably bug him more for help with ds than he bugs me.    It's just so easy to call out for a hand when I can't get him to lay still for a diaper change, or I find him unexpectedly poopy and I didn't grab the wipes etc, etc.  I am trying to be better about doing things on my own.  I guess I got spoiled having dh home ever since ds was brand new.  Things that help for us:

DH having his own office with a door.  This is a big priority for us.  We're currently in a much smaller apt than we've had in years, the rooms are small, and there are only 2 bedrooms.  So one is where we all sleep and the other is the office.  This means that we are going to have to bedshare until I graduate and we can move.  Ds will be three by then.  We don't even have room for a second mattress for ds in the bedroom, but we simply have to have an office for dh.  I encourage dh to shut his door and tell me when he doesn't want to be bothered.  The door is even more important now that ds is walking and thinks dad's computer is just the coolest thing there is. 

Having time to ourselves without interruptions.  This is built in for us by dh's non-24 hour sleep/wake cycle.  Basically, he cycles through being awake during the day, to getting up later and later until he's awake all night and sleeping during the day.  It's really weird, and causes problems for the few scheduled things we want to do sometimes, but it has given us a nice balance.  When he's awake at night he gets a ton of work done, because he's got the house to himself and the phone doesn't even ring.  When he's up during the day we have more family time, and can get out for a few activities.  My favorite is when he goes to bed in the afternoon/early evening, because then once ds is asleep I have the house to myself for a few hours before I have to be in bed.  I love being alone in the house!  It's so freeing!  Obviously, this is not going to work for anyone else who doesn't have a crazy circadian rhythm syndrome.  But maybe you could work out scheduled times when dh goes to the library/coffee house to work for a few hours, and you take the kids out for a few hours another day.  Or it may work out to shift dh's sleep schedule by a few hours so he gets up early and gets a few good solid work hours before you get up with the kids or vice versa. 

Clear duties as far as housework/cooking goes.  I am in charge of most of it, but I don't feel put upon at all, because dh does take care of himself (meals besides dinner, laundry), and if something is really bothering him, and I just haven't been able to get to it, he's more likely to do it himself than nag me about it, though this wasn't always the case!  He works hard running his own business, and the more quality time he's able to put in the better he's going to be able to support our family, so I'm happy to do whatever I can to support that.  But however the duties are split, there is much less opportunity for nagging if it's clear who is in charge of what.