"Is there a father?" - Page 2

[jammomma]

What an  incredibly rude comment.And it had nothing to do with how you dress, or how old you are, or anything else like that. It had everything to do with someone who lacks tact and maybe even was trying to make you feel bad in some way. Avoid that woman, she sounds toxic.

[A_Random_Phrase]

Blizzard babe and waiting2bemommy, hilarious!   

Edited by A_Random_Phrase - 12/7/10 at 4:12pm

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by blizzard_babe 

"Nope, no father. You may refer to him as Lord and Savior. Thanks."

You've made my day!

[Attached2Elijah]

I don't know... she might be the kind of person that just didn't think before she chose her words.... she might have meant "Are you married?" but it came out completely wrong and she might be doing a palm/face over said question right now. ;) I know I've done that on more then one occasion... I'm not good in public settings and meeting new people. I get nervous and say dumb things... I'm actually very well-educated but you wouldn't know it upon first meeting me, lol.

[eclipse]

I think it's sort of a weird way to ask the question, but I wouldn't be offended for people to think I was a single mom - any more than if I was a single mom and someone assumed I was partnered.

[MusicianDad]

I think its kind of weird to ask about the father at a first meeting. Like pp suggested, I usually have some sort of fun comeback when people ask about our kids mothers.

The last time someone asked if my kids had a mother I told the person "They hatched from eggs we found in the chicken coop."

[Daffodil]

It's only rude if you assume there's something wrong with not having a father in the picture, or if you think information about who is in your household is so personal that you might not want to share it with someone you've just met.  It sounds like a lot of people posting on this thread do think one or both of those things, but I don't, so it doesn't seem terribly rude to me.  She probably just wanted to give you the message that she didn't necessarily expect you to have a husband, and wasn't going to judge you if you didn't.  Maybe she knows a lot of moms who have female partners, or who are single by choice.  (Maybe she's one of those moms.)

[MusicianDad]

I think it's rude to assume something about a family, and a question like "is there a father?" assumes that there is not father. Which as someone all ready pointed out, is not actually logical. There has to be a father somewhere. Unless we want to get into some fairly complex theoretical but not proven ideas of what is possible with human reproduction. And really, what is wrong with learning things about people by just spending time with them?

[Daffodil]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad 

I think it's rude to assume something about a family, and a question like "is there a father?" assumes that there is not father.

I don't think it assumes there's not a father - it just recognizes that there might not be.  Which is perfectly reasonable, because there isn't always one.  (I mean, of course, the sperm came from somewhere, but there isn't always someone the baby is going to call "father.")

[One_Girl]

I think that question is very rude and I think you should have called her on it.  When I was pregnant one of people at my church asked me if I knew who the father was after walking into half of my conversation and hearing I was pregnant and I chewed him out for it.  Ironically he got his girlfriend pregnant not very long after that.  I also get probing questions about how my dd was conceived at work because I look about 10 years younger than I actually am.  The assumption is that I had some kind of tryst and accidently conceived my child.  I find it very offensive and I make that very clear.  If I want to share with someone the circumstances around my marriage and divorce that have led to me not caring to mention the jerk I married I will volunteer the information.  It is a painful and sore subject normally and I don't go around wanting to relive it to people who are nearly strangers to me. 

[camprunner]

When my oldest was a year old we moved to the town dh grew up in.  I had just turned 24.  People didn't ask if I was a single parent when dd and I were out. They ASSUMED and proceeded to treat me as if I'd done something wrong. Some of them even asked what school I went to. I finally got tired of it and just answered with the name of the school I worked at.  A co-worker walked up just then and people asked him if he'd met me. He said "Yes, I work with her" It turned some faces red. I'd much rather be asked than treated in a way that NO ONE should be treated just because people are judging.

[cappuccinosmom]

Rude.

I like the term "inartful" that someone else used.

People are inartful all the time.  I'm sad to say, I've said stupid stuff myself sometimes.  I hope I'm not the only one.

Who knows what was behind the question, but malice is only one of a zillion possibilities.

[Marcee]

It is rude.  I have 5 kiddos and have probably heard it all.  I was asked by a nurse if I wanted my boyfriend to be in ther delivery room when I had my oldest.  I told them no...that my husband might get upset.  I have been asked if all of my children have the same father.  And recently a woman a my children's new school looked and my baby (who has dark hair) and said I sure hope your husband has dark hair....  It gets old.  I have been married for almost 16 years and all the kids are my husband's, but how that is anyone business but mine and his I do not know.  Actually, I hanged up on the census worker for asking if my 5 year old was related to my husband biologically or by adoption??? How in the world would that matter to them....

[lilyka]

it is very rude and I do not think your age has anything to do with it.  I was 21 when I had my first and looked about 12.  No one ever asked me where her father was or if she had a father.  however, being a single mom does not have the stigma it used to.  Maybe, being a single mom is a perfectly valid choice from her perspective and that would make it a very matter of fact thing to ask and would imply no judgment and not be rude.  I guess it would all depend on ow she asked and why.

However.  Now that I am single (and 36) I get the whole "do they all have the same father"  grrrr  like that is anyones business..

[Mrs.Music]

I have 2 kids... I seriously had someone (at a party I was at WITH MY HUSBAND) ask if the kids were both his. They are only 2 years apart, and I'd been married 3.5 years at the time... It was odd. That is nothing compared to the stuff I have encountered at hospitals. When I had my DD, they didn't even bother to ASK if I was married. So later when someone came in to get some info for the birth certificate and such, they said something about my being single so I'd need to get a paternity test... And I had to correct them. I was pretty offended. Same hospital, some weeks later in the NICU, my husband was asleep in the chair next to my daughter's isolette and I was standing up right next to it on the other side and some woman came over and started making sure I had support from my family and what-not... I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't an unwed teenage mom. I was only 19 and I look young so it wasn't really her fault. And there are several similar stories, in and out of that hospital. It gets more amusing than offensive after a while because you just realize that people don't know how dumb they are being, and most of them don't even mean to be rude. Generally, being corrected puts them in their place. They are embarassed.

[Marissamom]

I'm 22, was 21 when DD was born, and I could easily pass for 12-14, so if I go somewhere with DD and my mom people automatically assume DD is my mom's baby. I also was grocery shopping with DD a few months back and had been walking back and forth a bit (forgetting to get stuff while I was in that isle) and this woman who works there, who had seen me walk past her at least 4 times asked me if I "was pushing the cart for [my] mom?" I told her I am the mom and she said "you don't look old enough to be a mom". um, I know I look young for my age, but people basically telling me I shouldn't have a kid because they think I'm too young without knowing how old I am really gets on my nerves. 

[Smokering]

I was asked that once at Mainly Music. It was worded rather more tactfully though - "Do you have a partner?", I think. The woman who asked was young, like me, and I wasn't offended - just said "Yeah, I'm married" and vaguely waved my wedding ring at her. (I should stop doing that, actually. It tends to unnerve people.) But if I got the vibe someone was asking in a salacious or disapproving way, yes, I'd be offended. And "Is there a father?" is definitely not the best way to phrase it!

I love the bit in Children of Men where the first woman to conceive a baby in however many years... who happens to be a teen mum - is asked about the father. She looks all dreamy and says "There was no father", and when they gape at her she bursts out laughing. It's awesome. :p

[EdnaMarie]

I do!  I definitely think inquiring about family structure is too personal for small talk.  In the hospital, or elsewhere if needed (I'm having a hard time thinking of where but I'm sure there are times) "I need to ask you a few questions about your marital status and family structure for the paperwork," will suffice as a polite introduction to such questions.  Outside of it, people will explain when they're ready.

if you think information about who is in your household is so personal that you might not want to share it with someone you've just met.

[ElliesMomma]

nm

Edited by ElliesMomma - 5/29/11 at 12:04am

[onlyzombiecat]

I think it is an odd question. I don't think it would matter if you were older and dressed conservatively.

I suppose the person may just be awkward and wanted to make conversation.