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"Is there a father?" - Page 3

post #41 of 97

Yeah, its rude, and yeah its obnoxious, but trust me, being a young mom it happens a good bit. I was 22 when DS1 was born and 25 when DS2 was born, and I've gotten those sorts of questions more times than I'd care to remember. 

post #42 of 97

It depends on the reason for asking if it was rude or not.  My DS was donor concieved and has two moms - no father.  Frankly, I would rather get that question than have others just assume there MUST be a father.  I'd say, give her the benefit of the doubt until you get to know her better.  Maybe she was trying to be really open minded and not offend you by assuming there was a father.

post #43 of 97

IMO, asking this question of someone you've just met is in poor taste. However, I also understand that some people are given to verbal diarrhea, so the question isn't necessarily snarky or judgemental. No matter what, it's an inconsiderate question that would make a lot of (perhaps most) people feel uncomfortable and/or offended.


Originally Posted by jksmith View Post

Yes, that's very rude. I have had similar things happen to me, probably because I'm 27 but look younger and dress pretty casual (like you have a choice with a giant belly!). Mostly it's been people referring to the baby's dad as my boyfriend even though I am clearly wearing an engagement ring and a wedding band! (we've been married for three and half years).

I've also had a lot of people, including family, strangers, and friends, ask us if it was a planned pregnancy. I feel like this is a very personal piece of information and nobody's business, but have felt compelled to answer anyway that we did plan for it. For a lot of people it was the first thing they asked after we told them. Does anyone else think that's inapppropriate?

Yes! My MIL loves that question. angry.gif So, so, so rude, and so, so, so none of their business.

post #44 of 97
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post

It's only rude if you assume there's something wrong with not having a father in the picture, or if you think information about who is in your household is so personal that you might not want to share it with someone you've just met.  It sounds like a lot of people posting on this thread do think one or both of those things, but I don't, so it doesn't seem terribly rude to me.  She probably just wanted to give you the message that she didn't necessarily expect you to have a husband, and wasn't going to judge you if you didn't.  Maybe she knows a lot of moms who have female partners, or who are single by choice.  (Maybe she's one of those moms.)

Yeah I like to attribute the best possible intentions.  I'm also trained by my non nuclear family friends to not assume that any parent i meet is a heterosexual in a committed relationship.

post #45 of 97


"I was asked by a nurse if I wanted my boyfriend to be in ther delivery room when I had my oldest.  I told them no...that my husband might get upset."


That is an awesome response. 


I have been known to ask "do you have a partner?" and I think that that's an OK question for the new member of the playgroup or the preschool to have to answer. (Not so much the lady you are standing behind in line at the grocery store.) But honestly, usually it just comes up in conversation whether they do or not...


I HATE any family structure question that uses the word "father." All children have fathers, duh. There is no useful information that can be extracted about a new friend's home life by asking her to affirm the biologically obvious. Same goes for asking the two gay dads about the mother. WHAT KIND OF ANSWER ARE PEOPLE EXPECTING TO THIS QUESTION? 

post #46 of 97
Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom View Post



I like the term "inartful" that someone else used.


People are inartful all the time.  I'm sad to say, I've said stupid stuff myself sometimes.  I hope I'm not the only one.


Who knows what was behind the question, but malice is only one of a zillion possibilities.

I like inartful too. I at first thought it said infartful whick also works lolol


post #47 of 97


Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post

I wouldn't view it in any other way than someone's unartful way of inquiring about your family structure. 





I've seen a general pattern on here that somehow old people (like myself) are immune from randomly inappropriate or inartfully worded comments.  Not true.  Us old people have our own issues.  biggrinbounce.gif  Given divorces, number of single parents and same sex couples in my area, it is not so unusual for a father (biological or otherwise) to be absent or relatively missing from the immediate family unit.  Should people express themselves better?  Yes.  Would I spend too much time thinking about it?  No.  :)


One of my friends had a baby at 41. She also had a daughter who was 21. She said someone asked her whose baby it really was, as if she faked being pregnant to cover up the fact that the baby was her daughter's, not hers.


So yeah, I think everyone gets their share of weird/rude comments about a number of topics! Who knows, maybe that lady has a single parent support group she wanted to invite you to or something. Or maybe she just is rude. Don't let it get you down!!

post #48 of 97

I got that alot as a teen/young mum. And it is not appropriate.


And the answer was always yes, right up until I got divorced. And then people felt it was fine to start saying "Those kids need a new father." or "I dont envy you being a single mum"


And I know I woudlnt have faced those comments if I looked older then I do.



post #49 of 97

I'm 38. My daughter is five.  My husband and I have been married for about a hundred years (not really, just feels like it some days).


People ask me some version of this all the time.  I don't wear a wedding ring, I guess they are looking for a polite way to ask.


I guess a lot of people have figured out that a father is not always a given and assuming every woman with a child is also happily married to a man is rude, but they haven't quite worked out what to do with that information. 

post #50 of 97

I am going to be 30 this year (look young for my age). I have a 4yo and a 20mo. Here I don't get too many comments, although occasionally people assume I am the au pair not the mother (lots of au pairs here). But in the US, I find people just assume so much and don't censor. People here probably make assumptions too but have stricter social politness codes. =)


Regarding the "was it planned?" Hate that question.  Dd1 was in fact a surprise. This was apparently taken for granted by all who knew me. But my dad's gf asked if dd2 was planned. I think this question is so intrusive. I makes me want to reply with "no just having sex for fun and ooops!"


And love the pick up line some one got. Hilarious.  Also love the Lord and Savior comment =P

post #51 of 97

People`s assumptions can be so funny at times. I had my daughter at 22 but because of how I dress I look very religious and people have constantly asked me since the day she was born "how many other children do you have?" I was 22 with a newborn, why would you assume I have at least another 2 kids!

post #52 of 97


One of my friends had a baby at 41. She also had a daughter who was 21. She said someone asked her whose baby it really was, as if she faked being pregnant to cover up the fact that the baby was her daughter's, not hers.

Soap operas aside, how feasible would that be?? I mean, not only would the mother have to pad her tummy, take time off work and so on, but the daughter would have to do some serious corseting and then disappear for 4-5 months, if they were serious about nobody finding out. I mean, all it would take to let the cat out of the bag would be for someone to see the pregnant-looking daughter out shopping... It would be quite an impressive feat to pull off, let's just say. Anyone know anybody who's done it? :p


People`s assumptions can be so funny at times. I had my daughter at 22 but because of how I dress I look very religious and people have constantly asked me since the day she was born "how many other children do you have?" I was 22 with a newborn, why would you assume I have at least another 2 kids!

Heh. I am religious, and had my first daughter at 21. Now I'm nearly 25 and expecting number 2. Ran into a "quiverfull" guy the other day at a church event; he's the one who told us it was "about time" when we got pregnant with DD (after five months of marriage). He noted approvingly that I was pregnant again, and said "So how many kids do you have all up?". I admit it was kinda fun to say "This is baby number two" and watch his obvious disapproval/disappointment/curiosity. :p Yes, a lot of people in our social circles are quiverfull, but that doesn't mean we all are! And it's his business why, anyway? (Not to mention that even QF couples can have big gaps between kids. Another QF-ish lady at our church was sympathetic about my "infertility" problems at one stage... sigh...)

post #53 of 97

When I get a question that I see as rude or inappropriate, I usually just look at them with a curious look on my face and instead of answering say, "That's an interesting question, why do you ask?"  I get all ranges of answers, but mostly people don't seem offended by me asking because I don't seem pissed or defensive, just curious.  But what they ALSO get is the underlying msg of "You're gonna have to explain that question, cuz so far I ain't feeling like answering!" but in a "nice" way! ;)


And sometimes there really is a good reason they ask, and I'm fine with that and willingly answer. Other times it's based on a bunch of presumptions or biases and I either just wrap up the conversation or I keep saying "That's an interesting assumption, but it doesn't apply to me.  Wow, that kid over there is really good on the jungle gym!" (Re-directing is often good too, if you totally feel like it's way out of line).

post #54 of 97

I get asked 'intimate' questions being that I'm a dyke. 

"Who's sperm did you you?"

"Did you use a turkey baster?"

"Who's the real mother?"

"Did you cheat on your parnter with a man?"

"Where did you get the baby?"

And then when they find out we got pregnant via IVF, they keep asking.

I admire people's curiosity and their gumption.  The more power to them!

If I'm uncomfortable, I say so.  That usually shuts them up.  But more often than not, I'm game.


post #55 of 97

 I would think rude,but maybe the lady just worded it wrong.Similar to when people ask," Can I go to the bathroom?" instead of saying may I. Some people are twits and they really are trying to be rude.Hard to believe some want to be,because it pleasures them to cause others discomfort. The moment always passes for me(to respond well),but if you are good at snappy comebacks then go for it!

post #56 of 97

It's probably rude but I've been asked so many rude questions that I've just given up on caring.  ROTFLMAO.gif


For example, here it's a VERY common to ask strangers almost immediately if they are planning on having more kids... the thing is I was getting most of these questions less than a month after I had a miscarriage.  NOT a fun time. irked.gif


I've also gotten asked more than once if I was DD's nanny.  Yes, I'm "young" (I had DD when I was 26 so I'm not THAT young but we live in a nicer neighborhood where almost all the moms work outside of the home so I think most of the moms are quite a bit older than me) but it's still not very polite...


I've also gotten asked about 5 minutes into the conversation if I'm still nursing DD (extended nursing is very common here).  I don't find this one quite as rude but it still seems pretty personal to me considering DD is 2...



I don't know, I've just gotten over it.  Some of these things bug me for a bit but normally I forget who even asked them in the first place and go on with my life.  I haven't been asked if I'm a single parent ever (I think most people assume I'm a SAHM because I work from home and am around with DD sometimes during the day plus I dress pretty casually too). 

post #57 of 97

LOL, I would have cracked up. And totally given that answer, "well you see, to make a baby one needs a father (well, generally speaking)."

post #58 of 97

my son doesn't have a father--he has two moms and a donor. We are usually pretty open about what we tell people, and we tend to correct people who ask about his father by just using the term donor when we answer the question. When they ask about my husband, I just correct them and say, "actually, I don't have one. I'm married to a woman."


In regards to the census question about biology/adoption, they asked that question because they use the census to anticipate social service needs and both adopted children and blended families access certain types of social services in greater numbers than children being raised by their biological parents.


We actually called the national census office to correctly answer that question--my partner is not biologically or legally related to our son (we live in a state with no second parent adoption law) and it felt weird to say he was adopted since I birthed him.


Anyway, the office told us to say their relationship was biological since he entered the family (we listed ourselves as married--which we are) via biology, not adoption, fostering or random moving in ("other non-relative" is the one our homophobic census taker suggested!)

post #59 of 97
Once at the park a little boy who was about 8 or 9 asked me why my daughter had light hair and I had dark hair. I told him because her father had light hair and she looked just like him. He then asked "do you see him?" greensad.gif I told him yes, we were married. This was in an area of town where most of the kids probably had absent fathers so I guess that's normal to him. He himself had come with his elderly grandmother who was sitting in her car while he played. He was very sweet, but obviously hungry for attention.

Anyway, I do think that's not a very gentle way to ask such a question though...particularly coming from an adult who should have more tact.
post #60 of 97
I think its likely that the woman at the playgroup is single and she was looking for some way to see if you were too because she wants to make a friend. Honestly, I probably would have responded with a simple, "yes, DH and I have been married for x amount of time. What about you?" She would realize that her question was rude, just by the fact that you DO have a partner.

As far as this whole "all babies have a father" thing...no. All babies (hopefully) have a parent that cares for and loves them. Wheather or not that person is a "father" or a "mother" is irrealvant. Just because you put some sperm somewhere does not mean that you are a "father."
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