I'm really confused

[red and lulu]

I'm having such a hard time and I have no idea if this is normal given the circumstances. I have days where I am panicked, thinking that maybe breaking up wasn't the right thing to do.... that I just need to try a little harder... let go of a little more.... something. I'm so terrified of what happens when the lease is up and we go out separate ways. I don't want to be away from my daughter. I dont want my daughter to have her world split in two I keep trying to talk myself into looking at things in a positive light: that her daddy loves her and at least he wants to take care of her too, that I'll have "time off," that the day-to-day won't be so stressful and tense and painful b/c I'm not negotiating around another person with whom I constantly butt heads. But inevitably all i can think of is entire days where dd will be away from me (or her dad). Having to split holidays. The inevitable introduction of another woman to her life, maybe eventually half-siblings. It all kills me. It breaks my heart, for all of us. And I know I'm being a little selfish, and I know it's non-negotiable... unless I just suck it up and try to make things work with her dad. But they've never worked, and I'm afraid this isn't something I can just wish away, but I'm trying b/c I'm so scared and sad. I cant tell. I cant tell if this little voice in my head is trying to convince me maybe this relationship is worth saving b/c it is, or b/c I'm scared. Is this normal? How do you emotionally deal with sharing custody?

[ishereal]

These are normal feelings, I have experienced them first hand. I stayed and stayed tried waiting it out hoping it would magically get better and ended up on all sorts of meds, I wanted out, I needed out but I was so busy trying to keep up the appearance of a family with none of the substance. i had convinced myself that my sons life was going to fall apart and diminish if i did what i had to do. Listen, I am sure we all dreamed of a fairy tale ending but heck it didn't quite work out that way and that's OK, take the lemons life has given you and make some damn good lemonade, add a bit of ginger for kick ;) *hugs*

[Tarielena]

I am in the exact same place as you right now, so hopefully they are normal feelings!  I have not filed for divorce, because I cannot get over those same issues.  I tell myself the same things, that I can just get all my work/chores done in the time that my son would be away from me, so I could just give attention to him when he was here so we'd have the same amount of time over all etc.  I even could believe that, but then I think about, as you said, splitting up holidays, and how I would feel if he ever had a step-mom.  Sure, I know I should look at it as an extra loving adult in the child's life and all that, but in a totally selfish way I just can't bear the thought of another "mom" for my baby.

[single_cj]

Lord, I hope these are normal feelings because that original post could have been written by me...  STBX & I have tried & tried & tried, but we just make each other unhappy because we're SO different and have such different wants from life.  I hate the thought of being away from my kids for more than a few hours so I can't even bring myself to think about being away from them for  a week more more at a whack (STBX is 1000+ miles away).  :(  I think a lot of it is because they're so young, too, only 2 and 4, and they've never been away from me (SAHM). 

A lot of it must also be just the CHANGE of it all and the differences it will bring.  Eventually it must get easier as it gets more familiar, right??

:o