RSVP ettiquette question... (food allergies/ special diets)

[Breathless Wonder]

4 times in the past month we have been invited to a party.  3 of the parties were end of the sports season parties (all on the same day).  1 party was a birthday party.  At each of these parties, we were told pizza would be served.  At 3 of the 4 parties (2 of the end of season parties, and the birthday party), the only pizza they had was covered in pepperoni.  We're vegetarian.  No, we can't just pick the pepperoni off.  

In the future, should I make sure to let people know we are vegetarian, so they can have a few plain slices?  Or do I just assume that they won't, and bring our own?

I'm at a bit of a loss, because in my almost 18 years of parenting, this is the first time we've ever been invited to an event where there WASN'T a meatless option.   

[AllyRae]

We just RSVP as normal but email the host and said "would it be ok to get the menu ahead of time?  Due to allergies, we want to bring something similar but without the allergens" (between the three kids, there are IgE or FPIES allergies to gluten, dairy, egg, tree nuts, peanuts, kidney beans, and shellfish).  I don't ever expect anyone to cater around my child's allergies, so we just always expect to bring our own things.  Sometimes the host will ask if there are some safe options, so I'll name off some plain fruits, veggies, or easy things to do but always emphasize not to worry about us.

[gbailey]

Personally, I would want you to call me up and let me know what you and your family are unable to eat. When I'm having guests in my home I want to have something you can eat. I don't mind having something put to the side for people who have food allergies or for religious reasons don't eat certain food. If you just happen to not like grape juice tough cookies but if you eat kosher or you or your DC can't have wheat, I'd make sure there was something tasty for you to eat.

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by AllyRae 

We just RSVP as normal but email the host and said "would it be ok to get the menu ahead of time?  Due to allergies, we want to bring something similar but without the allergens" (between the three kids, there are IgE or FPIES allergies to gluten, dairy, egg, tree nuts, peanuts, kidney beans, and shellfish).  I don't ever expect anyone to cater around my child's allergies, so we just always expect to bring our own things.  Sometimes the host will ask if there are some safe options, so I'll name off some plain fruits, veggies, or easy things to do but always emphasize not to worry about us.

 That's what I do.  Most of the parties we're invited to are for kids we know well and so the parents know about our allergy stuff.  I always offer to bring (or buy, whichever) our own food.  The ice cream and cake part are much harder on my kids than the food part.

I never expect hosts to be prepared for our food issues.

[Ravensong13]

We either ask ahead of time ( we are vegan with actual allergy issues to dairy and animal protein) or I tell the host/hostess I am bringing food for dd and I. I never expect that people would make something for us, mostly because it seems that a lot of people I know don't get what vegan means and will still put dairy or eggs etc in the dishes they make for us, lol.

[happysmileylady]

Seriously, they got no other pizza choices?  Was there only one pizza?  If they had more than one pizza and every single one had only pepperoni on it, I would consider them very rude.  I had my dd's second birthday at CEC just over a week ago, we got 4 pizzas and each one was different including one that was just cheese.  And that was just to accomodate what everyone likes, it didn't even have to do with special needs.

I do think that when going to a gathering where the people hosting do not know you well, it's up to to the guest with the special diet needs to politely inform the host of those needs.  Just a simple "hey, just so you know, our family can't eat X" at the time of RSVP is sufficient, IMO.  I DO believe it's the job of a host, when providing food, to provide food that everyone could be reasonably expected to enjoy.  Now, if you were talking about a huge laundry list of special things-no eggs, no meat, no gluten, no dairy, no sugar, no red dye #6, no blue dye #2, no green peppers etc etc etc etc, yeah, then I wouldn't expect a host to bend over backwards to accomodate something like that.  Nor would I expect a host to change an entire menu over one guest, unless it's a major life threatening thing.  But, no meat, yeah, I think it's a hosts job, when aware that they are inviting someone who cannot eat meat, to provide at least one meatless option.

[painefaria]

We just bring food.  Sometimes I will call ahead so that I can prepare something similar but mostly I don't trust people to understand our food restrictions.  Even Family!  My MIL still gives us a hard time when we ask her not to stuff the turkey (we are GF/Dairy Free)  It doesn't help that DP's Aunt and Uncle are also Celiac but CHEAT horribly.  So honestly, she probably just figures that I can eat that stuff.   We went to a B-day party with that side of the family and there was only a green salad that I could eat.  MIL was nice enough to offer that I could pick the coating off the fried chicken   so yeah. 

[EdnaMarie]

I usually ask for food sensitivities, allergies and requests with the RSVP, personally.  I guess that's not common.

My feeling is, if it's a kid's birthday party, you have the right to ask ahead of time in order to prepare your child and provide an alternative.  For example, "We'd be honored to attend. [next line]  I'd like to send a milk-free alternative with Ava because she can't have milk.  [meat free, nut free, gluten free, egg free, whatever]  Can you let me know what kind of food will be there?  Thanks for understanding."

I don't think it's out of line to ask people to offer alternatives, or at least to ask if there will be any.  It's all in how you ask.  "We'd love to come!  Should we bring the vegetarian option?"  We all benefit from living in a pluralistic society.  It is NOT HARD to make a small pot of chili without the meat, or order a veggie chili, or use oil instead of butter in the cake.  I did a dairy-free birthday party complete with chocolate cake and white frosting once.

I had my dd's second birthday at CEC just over a week ago, we got 4 pizzas and each one was different including one that was just cheese.  And that was just to accomodate what everyone likes, it didn't even have to do with special needs.

No kidding!!!  We always do that... "Let's get a meat lovers for the guys, one with just cheese just in case, and Judy loved that taco pizza last time, but Bob likes veggie pizzas, Sarah doesn't eat wheat so we'll get her a burger without the bun."  I believe I have had that EXACT conversation at least 15 times, LOL!  Who doesn't do that?  Sheesh, people, these are your friends!

[velochic]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie 

No kidding!!!  We always do that... "Let's get a meat lovers for the guys, one with just cheese just in case, and Judy loved that taco pizza last time, but Bob likes veggie pizzas, Sarah doesn't eat wheat so we'll get her a burger without the bun."  I believe I have had that EXACT conversation at least 15 times, LOL!  Who doesn't do that?  Sheesh, people, these are your friends!

Sometimes, though, budget prohibits accommodating everyone.

The OP said, "The only pizza", so I'm assuming there was only the one and no other choice.  If they can afford only 1 pizza, there's no way they're going to accommodate everyone.  Plus if the person who is having the birthday likes a particular pizza, I think that needs to be taken into consideration.  Multiple pizzas... yep, try some variety so most or all can enjoy.  If you're having only one, then you really can't please everyone.  (And we have food intolerance here, so we know what it's like to have to pass up the party food and bring our own.)

[Drummer's Wife]

I'd probably just eat ahead of time. 

[Breathless Wonder]

OP here- No, I meant the only *type* of pizza.  I did not mean to imply there was only one pizza pie at each party.  At each event, there were 6-10 pizzas, and every last one of them was pepperoni. 

I almost always offer to bring our own food to events, but we frequently go to pot lucks, and gatherings of family and friends, who know we are vegetarian.  If a party was a barbeque, or a McDonald's party, then I have, in the past, let the host/hostess know that we are vegetarian, and that we will bring our own food and why.  There is usually some other food there that we can eat in addition to what we bring, so it is usually not an issue.  The kids feel included, and they get to eat.  We don't do dairy at all when the kids are small, and I've ALWAYS brought food for us in that case.

I don't know if it was my pregnant brain, or what, but it just simply did not occur to me that a pizza party would be completely devoid of *any* plain cheese pies.  It was really hard to watch my kids' faces fall as they got handed a piece of pizza they couldn't eat.

I just wasn't sure if it was socially unacceptable to let the host/hostess know about our diet.  I wasn't sure if in the future it would be okay to say, "Hey! I notice you said pizza would be served. We're vegetarian.  Will there be a plain pizza there?"  That way I KNOW if I need to bring our own.

[AllyRae]

Holy cow, was there a sale on pepperoni pizzas in your town that day? :lol:  That does seem a bit odd that nobody had anything other than pepperoni pizza.  Even if you weren't vegetarian, I bet you would have been sick of looking at pepperoni by the end of the day. :lol:

[EdnaMarie]

I would have assumed in any case that there would be at least one plain pizza.  I do not think your assumptions were off at all.

I don't know if it was my pregnant brain, or what, but it just simply did not occur to me that a pizza party would be completely devoid of *any* plain cheese pies.  It was really hard to watch my kids' faces fall as they got handed a piece of pizza they couldn't eat.

Sometimes, though, budget prohibits accommodating everyone. The OP said, "The only pizza", so I'm assuming there was only the one and no other choice.

Really?  Vegetarian pizza is usually cheaper and half/half pizzas are not more expensive.

I have never in my life been to a party with more than three people in which only one type of pizza was on offer.  What if someone doesn't like that?  I think it's odd.  Especially PIZZA.

I can't imagine being so poor that you can *have a party* but not get one plain pizza.  Or boil one pot of spaghetti and dump some veggie marinara on it.  I mean, if you're having guests over, that is.  Obviously there are times when you can't afford a party.  But if you're ordering out pizza...

[happysmileylady]

Originally Posted by velochic 

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie 

No kidding!!!  We always do that... "Let's get a meat lovers for the guys, one with just cheese just in case, and Judy loved that taco pizza last time, but Bob likes veggie pizzas, Sarah doesn't eat wheat so we'll get her a burger without the bun."  I believe I have had that EXACT conversation at least 15 times, LOL!  Who doesn't do that?  Sheesh, people, these are your friends!

Sometimes, though, budget prohibits accommodating everyone.

The OP said, "The only pizza", so I'm assuming there was only the one and no other choice.  If they can afford only 1 pizza, there's no way they're going to accommodate everyone.  Plus if the person who is having the birthday likes a particular pizza, I think that needs to be taken into consideration.  Multiple pizzas... yep, try some variety so most or all can enjoy.  If you're having only one, then you really can't please everyone.  (And we have food intolerance here, so we know what it's like to have to pass up the party food and bring our own.)

The OP already responded to this but I also wanted to say that if it's a end of the sports season party, that's likely the whole team was invited.  I would think it would be pretty difficult to serve even half of a sports team with just one pizza.   

I even get that 1 topping pizzas are cheaper than say veggie lovers or whatever.  But at the very least provide some just cheese.  I personally can't stand pepperoni and while I can pick it off, I think it's rude to not at least provide other options even just to accomodate what others like to eat. 

[Breathless Wonder]

Originally Posted by AllyRae 

Holy cow, was there a sale on pepperoni pizzas in your town that day? :lol:  That does seem a bit odd that nobody had anything other than pepperoni pizza.  Even if you weren't vegetarian, I bet you would have been sick of looking at pepperoni by the end of the day. :lol:

LOL!

Every single time, the pizza was from Dominoes, so I'm thinking maybe they were running a deal on pepperoni pizzas that week?

The one time there was a plain cheese pizza pie, it was from Papa John's.
 

[Storm Bride]

I suspect the "all pepperoni" thing may have happened because they've been at parties like some I've been to...the ones where the hosts shell out money for 3-4 kinds of pizza, only to end up with a bunch of kids saying, "isn't there any more pepperoni? I don't like plain cheese/Hawaiian/veggie/taco/chicken/whatever". I was at one party where all the pepperoni pizzas (think there were 8) were eaten, and two slices of Hawaiian (both by me) and four slices of cheese (and I know that two of those were eaten by kids who were complaining that there was no more pepperoni as they took the slices). If the hosts in the OP's party have had experiences like that, they may have given up on trying to mix it up.

OP: I don't think it's ever wrong to talk to the host about special dietary requirements. Until recently, I had no vegetarian friends (still don't, really - but there are a few in my expanded social circle these days). It would never have occurred to me to have a specific meatless option at a party. I also tend to assume that if anyone has any allergies or sensitivities they will let me know. I remmeber one of ds1's childhood friends who came to his parties with his own food. His mom let me know ahead of time, but she also insisted that she'd bring food (not sure she trusted anyone else to be careful enough about his allergies). It's certainly not an issue to any host who is sane! Who wants to make their guests sick or upset?

[Spring Lily]

I'm a vegetarian, and when I RSVP for parties I will go ahead and ask if they are planning to have any vegetarian options.  And I let them know that I will just bring something for my family/kids if they aren't, no big deal.  My younger kids have had some food issues, so I just automatically brought things for them instead of expecting someone to go out of their way.  But in this day and age, it shouldn't be considered a big deal to get vegetarian food!  And I have to say, there are plenty of meat-eaters who do not like pepperoni pizza, so it is crazy to buy so many of them!

[MamitaM]

I think it's rude as well to only order one type of pizza and nt have  aveggie option. Pizza is cheap enough and there are always veggie pizza options,even if it's just plain cheese pizza. There are a lot of people who are vegetarian now so they should have ordered some veggies ones. 

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by AllyRae 

We just RSVP as normal but email the host and said "would it be ok to get the menu ahead of time?  Due to allergies, we want to bring something similar but without the allergens" (between the three kids, there are IgE or FPIES allergies to gluten, dairy, egg, tree nuts, peanuts, kidney beans, and shellfish).  I don't ever expect anyone to cater around my child's allergies, so we just always expect to bring our own things.  Sometimes the host will ask if there are some safe options, so I'll name off some plain fruits, veggies, or easy things to do but always emphasize not to worry about us.

This is also what we do. My 9 yo vegetarian usually eats ahead of time if we can't get ahold of anyone and I bring stuff no matter what for my dairy free dd and myself when on an elim diet.

[MamitaM]

I think if a person throws a party and knows the guests may be vegetarian or have certain diet issues they should provide them something to eat if it's pretty easy for them to find something suitable for their guest to eat. Vegetarian options are the easiest thing to make and even meat eaters can eat them. I always tell people I'm a vegetarian to make sure they have something for me and if they are stuck for ideas I tell them what I eat and don't eat to help them or I'd offer to bring something.

It's really hard to feel left out when you are invited though. I remember years ago going to a pic nik with a class of mine when we finished and everyone had so many choices of what they could eat. All they had brought for me was a container of cottage cheese and a can of fruit salad,that I had to eat put of the can. Oh and potato salad. Everyone else had burgers. They didn't even think to buy a veggie burger for me even though there sold side by side at the store.