Advice on calmly communicating with nanny who's called in sick 2.5 days

[t2009]

Hello mamas,

I need some advice about how to handle a situation with my (relatively) new nanny. She started 3 weeks ago & has been great. She wasn't feeling well early in the week and called in sick yesterday. While I was disappointed, I wasn't surprised. No big deal.

I had asked her to come in early today because I had an important meeting I had to attend on campus in the morning. So I checked in with her last night and she sounded confident she could come in the morning. She wasn't sure she'd have the energy for the whole day, but said she'd be in in the morning at least. I realized she was late this morning as I was getting ready to leave, so then I check my phone and she left me a text message 15 minutes before she was supposed to start saying she was still ill and was going to go to a doctor. I tried calling her to just see if she could sit with DS for an hour while I went to this meeting, but she didn't answer. I texted her back saying such short notice when she knew I had a meeting was unacceptable. She's sorry, yadda, yadda.

Thankfully we have a nanny share us parents were able to divide & conquer the day, though not with a lot of stress and inconvenience (and me missing part of my meeting).

So she just texted me to let me know she couldn't get into the doctor today but has an appointment early tomorrow. She said she could come in the afternoon to care for the kids.

Needless to say I am a little upset by a) her lack of notice, b) that she didn't call & didn't answer her phone & texted me instead (in her defense, though, she says it's her throat that is bothering her), and c) seems inflexible & not to realize how much we depend on her being here, especially in special situations when she knows one of us has an important meeting or appointment. I am actually quite angry and really haven't been able to muster up the patience & calm to call her again. I'm afraid I'll say something inappropriate.

Part of it is that we've all had a little something going around among us & I'm just getting over it... If that's what she has I really think she is overreacting because it's a cold & nothing more. My gut reaction is "suck it up" (I realize that isn't necessarily fair of me, but she hasn't even been to a doctor yet & is telling us for sure she'll be in tomorrow afternoon... It's just not adding up... If it was so serious that she felt she needed to really screw me over this morning then I'd think she'd have gone in by now, which is what she said she was doing today). Plus, we really are very flexible employers in other regards (i.e. if we don't have anything important going on, we'll gladly give time off when needed, sick or otherwise).

Our last nanny pretty much would come in unless she had a fever if we really, really needed her. How do I communicate to her that this is our expectation and that she can't just take off whenever she feels a little tickle in her throat? Am I overreacting? Are my expectations over the top?

Thanks for any advice! I really don't want to go through the nanny search again, but this just isn't sitting right with me.

[la mamita]

Our last nanny pretty much would come in unless she had a fever if we really, really needed her. How do I communicate to her that this is our expectation and that she can't just take off whenever she feels a little tickle in her throat? Am I overreacting? Are my expectations over the top?

I think it is kind of rude to assume that she's taken time off just because of a tickle in the throat (unless she said that...). It is possible that she has another health issue that she doesn't feel comfortable sharing. And, yeah, I think it is asking too much to say "unless you have a fever or are puking, we want you here"...sick is sick, and I would think it would be important not to have her exposing your kids to something infectious.

I do think that she should have let you know as soon as possible when she knew she was going to be sick; that said, I've spent nights near the toilet where I wasn't thinking much about anything except how wretched I felt. And I can understand someone really hoping to feel better and committing to show up, but then waking up and feeling bad again and having to cancel.

Perhaps you should try to have a better back-up plan set up for next time, because caregivers of small children do get sick a lot. Nature of the job...my DCP's went through the yearly stomach flu (often more than yearly) plus flu/strep.

[t2009]

Originally Posted by la mamita 

Our last nanny pretty much would come in unless she had a fever if we really, really needed her. How do I communicate to her that this is our expectation and that she can't just take off whenever she feels a little tickle in her throat? Am I overreacting? Are my expectations over the top?

And, yeah, I think it is asking too much to say "unless you have a fever or are puking, we want you here"...sick is sick, and I would think it would be important not to have her exposing your kids to something infectious.
 

Maybe I am asking too much, but ^^ (bolded) is not what I'm saying. I feel like with any care (or any job, for that matter), especially with a nanny, there's a lot of give and take. If I have an isolated event that I absolutely need covered (e.g. today, when I asked her to make sure to be in for my meeting) then I'd expect someone (who lives very close) to come in if not with fever, puking, or something quite serious, for the 1 1/2 that the meeting would last. Just like with an important project at work for me... I have to power through for my employer at discrete moments even when I feel like crap, hoping that if something important isn't going on I can take time off as needed.

Anyway, to clarify, the advice I am seeking is how to approach her to let her know that the notice she gave was unacceptable, clarify expectations going forward, all without damaging the relationship (i.e. calmly on my part) or without coming across as a total push-over (which I often fear).

Thank you.
 

[mamabutterfly]

Definitely address the thing about a text 15 minutes before she was to start. You can hopefully be calm & pleasant about it, but be direct & say something like, "When I have to be at work, one hour is the minimum amount of time I need to arrange backup child care. I'd like to ask that when you're going be out sick, you give us a phone call at least one hour before you would have been coming." Then maybe add that your sure she's knows how mornings can be and you can't always be sure you'll check your phone for texts, etc....

On a side note, I REALLY am not liking the tendency towards texting as notification - like "I'm not coming to meet you/coming to work" etc. It feels so inadequate to me, and almost a little cowardly. Maybe I'm just old. I purposely don't pay for texting on my phone and don't use it, but very recently I've started receiving texts from people who used to call me. Not liking it! 

I went this year from in home babysitter to a daycare/preschool (but my dd is 2.5). And this is the big part that I don't miss at all. I had 2 different sitters, and they both seemed to call out a lot. It was so stressful!

[lunarlady]

In our nanny contract, we state that we want her to call our home number if she will be out, and that we want as much notice as possible, the night before if she is feeling unwell. We also told her that the nature of our jobs means somebody has to cover for us, and that making those plans usually means at least two hours notice. So if she wakes up sick, she better wake me up too, because we will be in a bind. I've also told her I would rather she tell me she is unwell and I make backup plans that get cancelled when she is well enough to work, than the reverse of scrambling to find care when she is sicker than she thought and can't make it after all.

Do you offer paid sick? We do, so i think that takes some stress out of it. It is harder to make the call early if you are taking a financial hit by doing so.

I would wait until she has been back for a couple days, so it is water under the bridge, then calmly ask for a sit down to review how things are going. During this meeting address how much notice you need to arrange alternate care, and discuss your expectations about her working if sick (do you want her to come if she is sick? Expose your kids? Have to arrange care midday or is it easier to do full days only?). Use this time to see how she is doing too. Does she feel things are going well? Is she happy?

I think the biggest thing is to try to stay calm and talk with an eye toward the future, so not "i'm frustrated and mad," but rather "here's what needs to happen the next time you are sick.". I find it helps me to put things in writing, just to make sure there are no misunderstandings. Clearing the air should help you feel better. I wouldn't let her go over something that may be a simple communication breakdown.

[BunnySlippers]

Except the nanny did let the employer know she was not coming in, however, it sounds like she was pressured/bullied into agreeing.

I guess sick leave is something you two needed to have discussed before hire.
 

Originally Posted by la mamita 

Our last nanny pretty much would come in unless she had a fever if we really, really needed her. How do I communicate to her that this is our expectation and that she can't just take off whenever she feels a little tickle in her throat? Am I overreacting? Are my expectations over the top?

I do think that she should have let you know as soon as possible when she knew she was going to be sick; that said, I've spent nights near the toilet where I wasn't thinking much about anything except how wretched I felt. And I can understand someone really hoping to feel better and committing to show up, but then waking up and feeling bad again and having to cancel.

 

[t2009]

Originally Posted by BunnySlippers 

Except the nanny did let the employer know she was not coming in, however, it sounds like she was pressured/bullied into agreeing.

I guess sick leave is something you two needed to have discussed before hire.
 

Woa! I really take offense to the suggestion that I bully my nanny! I work really hard to break down as much of the hierarchy that's inherent in the relationship as possible and to treat my nanny with respect (which may be why I feel frustrated when I rightly or wrongly perceive that someone isn't giving me back 100% when I really need it). It's not like I'm begging my puking nanny to come over to care for my son, which would be entirely stupid on my part anyway. I may not have worded my post in the best way, but I clearly was asking for help because I knew I was feeling frustrated and didn't want to act in a way that was inappropriate. I figured I could safely air my frustration here & work out a way to bridge the communication gap with the nanny, but clearly I was wrong!

mamabutterfly & lunarlady -- I definitely think I will make it clear that she should call & not text when she cannot make it in. I hate texting too! And I appreciate the advice about approaching a discussion focusing on the future. Also, I looked & we do require two hours notice in our contract... Not sure what I can or should do about it though... This is the thing about contracts generally... If someone breaks the agreement but it's not something worth ending the relationship over what do we do? (We didn't think that far ahead... what do you all have in your contracts?) Not pay her sick time for the day? It's like I thought we had done everything right... have the contract, the paid sick leave, but then it still gets bungled & I'm left not knowing what to do.

And on the subject of back-up care -- Since we're a nanny share, we're sort of our own back-up care--usually one out of the four parents can cover some part of the day (and I like that since DS sees his playmate's parents all the time & we don't have family in the area). But it's really tricky when you have something out of the ordinary (an early or late meeting, etc)... back-up care seems trickier, and this isn't the first time I've had something like that & then nanny called in (just my luck). But I think you're totally right, lunarlady -- better to make the plans & cancel than to have nothing.

[JollyGG]

I guess I consider situations like this to be just part of having a nanny. Back up care is essential.

I could see talking to her about how you want her to contact you and about giving notice as early as possible but I really don't think it would be appropriate for you to talk to her about taking the time at all or try to dictate when she can consider herself sick enough to call in. I suppose if you really wanted to you could require a doctors note for the time off, but that seems excessive to me.

I had a tummy issue a couple of weeks ago and I was a bit nauseated throughout the day but figured it was stress about some other things. It wasn't until I vomited just 30 minutes before I was supposed to be teaching my son's religious class that I realized I needed to call in. I do think we've all had something similar happen and for now it is best to give her the benefit of the doubt. It doesn't hurt to reiterate that as much notice as possible is important to you. But I wouldn't make too much issue of this time unless it happens again

[JollyGG]

You could always write her a memo such as this one - http://boingboing.net/2010/06/25/i-have-noticed-that.html

[One_Girl]

If she has been out of child care for a while the bug may have hit her harder than it hit you guys because her body isn't used to all the germs, she could be fighting off more than one bug (I recently did that and developed bronchitis to boot), she may also be someone who gets pneumonia very easily so she is very cautious when she has a little something because it develops quickly into a big something.  These may be things she isn't sharing with you because that could affect her job.  If she thinks she is sick enough to have to go to the doctor then she is probably truly sick, especially if health insurance isn't something you are offering.  I think you should cover yourself for tomorrow, call her and tell her she needs to stay home and get rested so she can feel up to par for next week, and remind her in your call that you need two hours notice in the future if she is sick because it is too difficult to get last minute coverage and ask her if she can commit to that. 

[karaann07]

I am now a SAHM, but I had a private nanny for a while, and the ONE THING that we would NEVER EVER do is let communication break down. (Even if it meant a text at 7pm from her saying, "I don't know, I'm really not feeling well...") She is clearly at fault for not giving you sufficient notice that she wouldn't be able to make it. (As a side note, a 15 minute "notice" is ridiculous. Clearly something else was going on... she didn't set her alarm for 15 minutes before she was supposed to be there, right? So at some point she must have decided she wasn't coming in. Otherwise, she would have called you when her alarm went off an hour or 2 before her shift started, when she woke up to get ready for the day and realized that she was so horribly sick that she couldn't come to work.)

I think you should approach it this way- "I understand you may get sick/need time off, etc., so for my part I will make sure I have potential backups available in the event that you cannot make it to work. What I need from you on YOUR part is sufficient notice that you won't be able to come in." Let her know that the 15 minute notice is not something that can not happen again, and if she felt the night before that she wouldn't be able to make it, she should have let you know so you could make alternate arrangements. If she woke up feeling horrible (and don't get me wrong, that happens, and it SUCKS!) she should have CALLED you right away (to make sure you were immediately aware!) to make a plan, even if it meant coming to rest on the couch for 2 hours until a backup could arrive while your son watches cartoons that morning. I guess I feel that the point you should make to her is that you don't ever want her to feel bad for saying she's too sick to come to work, but what you DO need is for her to be open and up front about it, so that you can make backup arrangements when needed.

[jennybear]

I would reference your contract when you talk to her. A simple, "I want to remind you that the contract we both signed says that we need at least two hours notice if you're sick" should be sufficient. I'd also mention that you prefer to be contacted by phone if there is a schedule change.

I don't think it's your place to comment on why she's taking sick time or dictate how sick she needs to be before taking off.

Since she's almost been with you a month, I'd suggest sitting down and having an informal chat to discuss how things are going. You can share some (hopefully mostly positive) feedback and get a sense from her as to whether things are going well.

Hopefully she feels badly about inconveniencing you--I know I would have been super stressed if that happened on a day I had a meeting.

[KLM99]

I don't see any evidence of bullying here at all.  You've had her for 3.5 weeks, so I would assume that she's on her best behavior now and it's only going to get worse.  Yes people have to call in sick - totally fine.  And I definitely recommend having a sick policy that says something about how many paid sick days she gets (so that she knows to use them wisely - not that she can't call in sick, but that just like any other job, sometimes you need to suck it up a bit), and how much time she needs to inform you prior to not showing up.  Obviously there are going to be exceptions, but generally, this relationship only works if you have basic trust that she is doing her best to be there when you need her. 

Mostly I think the red flag here is that she's being wishy-washy.  Ok, fine, she's sick, it happens.  But she needs to let you know a couple of hours before her start time at least.  Preferably the night before.  This "maybe I'll be there, but maybe not" thing doesn't work with childcare.  Especially if you have a big meeting and you've let her know.  As soon as she can't get that doctor's appointment until the next day, she should have let you know that the next day would be a no-go too.  And all this within the first month! 

I have bad hopes for this relationship...  Suggest really (and obviously, professionally) laying out your expectations now and giving her an out if she can't work with you.  And if you do decide to keep her, find some reliable back up until you figure out whether it's going to work.

Good luck.  These relationships are so difficult.  You want to tread lightly and be nice obviously since this person is in charge of your child, but at the same time, it's a professional relationship that requires some difficult conversations.  Keep it nice and honest and be forthcoming about what you expect.  Then let her know that if she can't meet your needs, that's fine, but she needs to let you know NOW so you can make other arrangements. 

Let us know how it turns out!

[KLM99]

Originally Posted by karaann07 

I am now a SAHM, but I had a private nanny for a while, and the ONE THING that we would NEVER EVER do is let communication break down. (Even if it meant a text at 7pm from her saying, "I don't know, I'm really not feeling well...") She is clearly at fault for not giving you sufficient notice that she wouldn't be able to make it. (As a side note, a 15 minute "notice" is ridiculous. Clearly something else was going on... she didn't set her alarm for 15 minutes before she was supposed to be there, right? So at some point she must have decided she wasn't coming in. Otherwise, she would have called you when her alarm went off an hour or 2 before her shift started, when she woke up to get ready for the day and realized that she was so horribly sick that she couldn't come to work.)

I think you should approach it this way- "I understand you may get sick/need time off, etc., so for my part I will make sure I have potential backups available in the event that you cannot make it to work. What I need from you on YOUR part is sufficient notice that you won't be able to come in." Let her know that the 15 minute notice is not something that can not happen again, and if she felt the night before that she wouldn't be able to make it, she should have let you know so you could make alternate arrangements. If she woke up feeling horrible (and don't get me wrong, that happens, and it SUCKS!) she should have CALLED you right away (to make sure you were immediately aware!) to make a plan, even if it meant coming to rest on the couch for 2 hours until a backup could arrive while your son watches cartoons that morning. I guess I feel that the point you should make to her is that you don't ever want her to feel bad for saying she's too sick to come to work, but what you DO need is for her to be open and up front about it, so that you can make backup arrangements when needed.

this is perfect
 

Edited by KLM99 - 11/19/10 at 10:27am

[laohaire]

I've never had a nanny, but just from a manager/people point of view, I really like karaann07's take on it. It gets the point across very nicely without getting her defenses up. I am thinking the most likely reaction the nanny would have to most approaches would be "sheesh, my new boss thinks I can control getting sick, SOME PEOPLE!" But karaann's approach really diffuses that, I think.

[t2009]

Well, I read some of your responses yesterday & slept on it & realized that I was mostly just irked by the lack of notice & the total breakdown of communication. Nanny came in for 1/2 day this afternoon (and for the record for those who seem think I'm a total b**** & terrible employer, I told her she should stay home today if she felt she need the extra rest & we paid her full sick time for the days/time she took off).

I stole karaann07's advice & very calmly asked her to call next time this happens (unless it's 1 am, when I'd rather get a text) & that the 15 min notice can't happen again (mentioning that we ask for two hours min. in the contract). I reassured her that I totally understand that these things happen & that among the four parents we can almost always get a back-up plan in motion. But I stressed that arranging the back-up plan takes some time & that the relationship only works if the lines of communication are totally open. I also suggested (again, following a PP's advice) that if she must give such short notice in the future maybe she'd be willing to sit in the living room with DS for the short time it would take for back-up to arrive (hoping more that the suggestion would encourage her to give us more notice!). She was apologetic about the non-notice & I'm trying to take her at her word (though I still have no idea how she could have not known more than 15 min before she was supposed to show up... but I didn't push it).

I think I'll reiterate my points casually next week when I plan to follow the advice to sit down & have a check-in chat to see what is & isn't working on both ends (since she's still under the weather a bit, I was trying to be as brief as possible today so she could go home). She's so even-keel that it's really hard for me to get a read on her reaction. She seems really good with the kids & my DS is already attached, so I'm really hoping it all works out.

Also a lesson to me to be absolutely explicit with my needs in a special situation so that I can try to get her to be more open with me. I think we're still working out some of the kinks since this relationship is relatively new.

Thanks for the advice!

[Kindermama]

wow, I'm surprised she's getting PAID sick days after working for you for such a short time. We had a nanny once upon a time and she didn't get sick or vacation days until 3 months in. 

I agree that 15 minutes notice is unacceptable. I think you handled it well in the end. It's like any other relationship in our lives...it takes time to figure it all out! 

[t2009]

Originally Posted by Kindermama 

wow, I'm surprised she's getting PAID sick days after working for you for such a short time. We had a nanny once upon a time and she didn't get sick or vacation days until 3 months in. 

Again another lesson learned... Probably in the future won't offer paid sick days right up front. We accrue vacation time, but for some reason didn't think to do something to offset sick time. Although, on the other side, as someone suggested above, it is likely that DCPs will get sick early on when exposed to new germs/environments. Can't win either way, I suppose...

[KLM99]

Does the OP want to share what ended up happening and how the relationship has been since?

[t2009]

Originally Posted by KLM99 

Does the OP want to share what ended up happening and how the relationship has been since?

Sure. I posted some above about our discussion (during which I was calm, cool & collected thanks to the advice I got here!). But things have been on the up & up since. For myself, I pinpointed my anger/disappointment as rooted in the no-notice she provided the morning she said she'd be in. So I let my anger go & just focused on discussing this with her, once when I saw her next & then when we reached 1 month & had a mini review/check-in (in which I tried to focus on positive stuff as well).

She was really sick (strep throat) which doesn't really change my approach but is more of a reality check for me in terms of not immediately jumping to conclusions. And I've decided to put more faith into our back-up care system because the other family really was willing to jump in to help make things work.

I started another thread because my son's adjustment to the new nanny was a bit bumpy in the mornings (maybe picking up on my bad vibes?) and I was doubting all over again, but since then I've really seen her open up with him & he is (usually) excited to see her. Plus she's stepped in to help out during a really stressful & busy time for me. So I think it was a case of really still being in a phase of adjustment & learning how to work & communicate with each other.

Thanks!