s/o What if you don't want your child to call certian people auntie or uncle?

[MamitaM]

How do you deal with people who referr to themselves as auntie or uncle and not hurt their feelings?

I want my good friend to be called Uncle b/c he's been my friend for about 7 years now and he's great! He has a girlfriend who he's been with for less then a year and I've only met her 3 times I think. She's nice and all,but I'm not totally comfortable with her yet. Nothing wrong with her,I just don't know her that well yet. I don't like the way she gets a little to overexcited around my baby and grabs at him etc... another issue for another thread though. Anyway she's always referring to herself as "auntie" and I'm not ready for that yet. I don't know what to say about it though so I only refer to her a C when she says "auntie". Except one time... I felt pressured and felt that I needed to make her feel included and happy or something so I said "auntie" to her. I didn't like it though.

[Snapdragon]

I think how you handle it depends on your personality type. I am very blunt and kind of opinionated and outspoken! So I would just tell the uncle friend straight up that you don't want her to be called Auntie and you are uncomfortable with  her assumed intimacy.I had a similar thing happen- my dh's mom recently remarried a guy and I don't know him much at all- and he wanted to be called a grandfather type name in regards to the baby. I told her very clearly that I was not comfortable with this. she may have been a tiny bit offended but it blew over.

[cileag]

You know, I think I might just kind of let it go.  My general philosophy is that the person gets to decide what they want to be called (aside from Mom and Dad words I think).  So we have a Nana and Gigi in the family and a  Granddad and a Grandpa. If it really bugs you, don't refer to her as Aunt and since you don't see her very often, your child will probably pick up what you say. 

Another thing to consider is whether or not this is worth making a big fuss about.  Your friend might break up with her and then it would be solved OR your friend might marry her and then it really would be odd for you to insist that she NOT be called Aunt--the wife of an Uncle is clearly an Aunt in my book.    And it's probably not going to go over well with your friend.  Besides, your child is non verbal and really won't be that verbal for another year and a half, so if she wants to call herself Ms. Booboo pants, it really doesn't matter.

[SubliminalDarkness]

I also usually let people refer to themselves as what they want... Miss So and So or just a first name or whatever. But not titles. You don't get to name yourself a relative unless you ARE a relative, or if you're very close. My BIL used to do this with his myriad of girlfriends. It did bother me, but not to the point I did anything about it because they usually didn't stick around long.

But, I know what you mean. My issue is that I don't want people trying to develop familial type relationships with my kids if it's a situation where there's a reasonably high likelihood they won't be in my kids' lives for long. 

I would probably say something. 

[MamitaM]

It really isn't much of an issue for the moment since my son doesn't talk yet. I think the reason I'm bothered by it so much is b/c it feels like she's trying to push herself on me. Maybe that's the "thing" about her that I don't like. I'm just not comfortable with her calling herself auntie right now. I don't know her well enough for that and I don't know her well enough to say anything either. I really don't talk to her other then when B comes over to visit the boy.

I do somewhat agree with adults being the one to decide what they'd like to be called,but only when it's something like Miss Firstname or Mrs.Lastname or just Firstname. I think it's up the parents to decide if Auntie and Uncle should be used for adults who aren't family.

[Mrs.Music]

How serious are they as a couple? If you think they are gonna (or might) last, I'd let it go. But if you think it might not... Maybe tell her (or even just talk to him about it) that it feels like it's too soon for her to be "auntie" because you are not in their relationship and you don't know for sure that they are going to last. Even though you hope they do. And you'd rather not have to explain it to your kids later if the worst happens.

[Lisa1970]

Because you are allowing one non related person to be called a relative term, they are probably assuming it is ok. I think I would let this one go. I think the precedence was already set that a family relationship does not have to exist for the term to be used. It is more of a term of endurement used this way. See what I am saying.

[jellybeanmumma]

Tough call.. and some good and interesting responses. I think kids definitely pick up on our reactions to people and if you're not quite comfortable with the situation that will come through. I have a close friend we call Aunty but she is the only one, and honestly it is because if the worst were to happen she would be up there with family as our chosen guardian and I would feel %100 safe leaving DS with her at any time. Probably, well actually definitely safer than leaving him with my own mother. I think the family we chose to keep close to us and the friends we chose to call family should be people we feel safe leaving our child with - I mean children are more likely to be hurt or abused by people they know and if we're not %100 per cent sure of someone it's best to err on the safe side and not call them part of the family. You're obviously close to your friend so perhaps discussing with him in a way you're comfortable with would help clarify things? 

[ollyoxenfree]

One aspect to consider is how different ways to address them will sound and work in practice, leaving aside how your friends will feel about it. What name do you want your child to call her? Will she be Ms or Miss Lastname or Miss Firstname or just Firstname, while your close friend is called Uncle? How will that sound to your child? 

Would you say Uncle John and Ms Doe are coming for dinner? TBH, that sounds odd.

I don't particularly like the "Miss Jane" address, so I would never use it myself. If that's the norm where you are, then perhaps that will work, although you still have your friends' (his and hers) feelings to consider.  

I think using "Uncle John and Jane" sets up a distinction in the formality of the relationship to your child. To my ears, calling someone by their first name alone is more familiar than using a title, even a family title like Uncle or Aunt. Calling him Uncle John sounds more formal and distant, if she gets to be just Jane. I know some people feel that the "Uncle" denotes a special relationship, but we don't use those titles in our family. Perhaps people who use Uncle/Aunt titles feel differently about the whole thing, and "Uncle John and Jane" will sound fine to them. Again, that's leaving aside the whole issue of your friends' feelings. 

I know your ds is just a baby today, but this time next year, he'll be calling her something. What do you want him to say?

[gbailey]

I agree with this. If it makes you feel that uncomfortable I would say something. I would either say something to your friend or the next time you are around her beat her to the punch and tell your little one say hi to miss so and so.
 

Originally Posted by Snapdragon 

I think how you handle it depends on your personality type. I am very blunt and kind of opinionated and outspoken! So I would just tell the uncle friend straight up that you don't want her to be called Auntie and you are uncomfortable with  her assumed intimacy.I had a similar thing happen- my dh's mom recently remarried a guy and I don't know him much at all- and he wanted to be called a grandfather type name in regards to the baby. I told her very clearly that I was not comfortable with this. she may have been a tiny bit offended but it blew over.

[MamitaM]

Since my son is still so young I pretend to talk for him....so I'll say in a silly voice "hello Uncle B hello C how are you?" or whatever but then a minute or two later she will correct me by saying something like "auntie C is so glad to see you". Do you think it's rude of her to correct me? I feel like she's pushing at me to have him call her that and really,I'm not comfortable with it. I want to say something but I'm to afraid of hurting her feelings. I don't know her that well,she's been dating my friend for less then a year now and I've met her 3 times and she's all ready telling me how much she wants a baby with my friend,she even has names and she makes comments all the time about the baby they will have. My friend tells me he isn't ready for this yet. Maybe that's the "thing" about her that I don't like.

[Hoopin' Mama]

SIL's bf is a UAV, and people refer to him as Uncle. I just never, ever refer to him as Uncle to ds and I've said at least once, nicely, he's not your uncle. As much as I dislike him, I cannot bring myself to address the issue directly to him. It's not worth the awkwardness, IMO.