SO upset ... is it pregnancy hormones or was dd's teacher WAY out of line? - Page 2

[Llyra]

As for the 3 year old, if my child said "HELLO... I said I wasn't done with it!" then she and I would be taking a walk to the car. That isn't the response I want - even if the teacher fastened the pieces before she'd finished coloring them. It was rude of her to say that, and less than respectful for the teacher to take it before she was done - but two wrongs don't make a right. And I often say "thank you for your nice manners" after a child uses them without prompting. Whether or not they'd been polite or rude previously.

Respecfully, of course-- I don't agree with this. I don't think it was rude of the child to say that. I don't expect my children to be meek and polite to people who disrespect them. I expect and encourage them to speak up and defend themselves. I expect them to be assertive, but not to call names or get personal with people. So I would expect her not to say something like, "hey, stupid, I wasn't done with that." But what the child said strikes me as EXACTLY the right response.

OP-- I think the teacher was totally out of line. And I'm a teacher myself. If a child's dawdling and slowness are a problem in the class, then it needs to be resolved privately in a conference. NOT out in public where somebody can hear. And namecalling (turtle, rabbit) is a violation of a child's rights. It's not fair for adults to get to call names, if kids can't-- no matter how "gentle" those names are. Children rise to our expectations-- if we repeatedly tell a child she's a "turtle," she may take that on as an identity, and come to believe she really is inherently slow. Then she stops even trying to work faster. I think some nice goal-setting may be in order here-- what I'd do as a teacher is talk to the child privately, and tell the child that I believed slowness was a problem. Then I'd set some goals with the child's input-- if she can finish her task in X amount of time she can take some time at a favorite center, for example. This lets the child know that 1. she was control over her speed-- it's not something inborn that she can't help, 2. the teacher is basically sympathetic and wants to help, and 3. the teacher believes that she is capable of working more quickly.

It sounds like the teacher is in a big hurry-- some people do seem to be always in a big hurry, and impatient with the natural pace of life with children-- and is taking it out on the kids.

[heathenmom]

Thank you so much for this, Llyra!  Especially the ideas for goal-setting.  TBH, we've learned at home that if we just leave her alone - with an occasional reminder if she gets distracted - she works faster than if we stand over her trying to push.  I can't remember if I mentioned this earlier, but we HAVE discussed the issue of her slow work speed at the regular p/t conference in October.  But the teacher made no suggestions as to how to address it.  I think that setting goals is a great idea.  Maybe that should have been obvious, but she's our first and we're absolutely clueless about some things.

Regarding my 3 y/o's response:  we are working with her on more appropriate ways of expressing herself, but I had NO problem with what she said in that specific instance.  I tend to let people in authority walk all over me.  I struggle with this even as a 40 y/o professional, wife and mother.  I don't want my children to ever feel like they can't speak up if they're being treated unfairly.  Could she have said it more nicely?  Probably.  I'm I going to sweat it?  Nope.

DH & I still haven't actually done anything about the original incident, except talk it to death.  I've come to think that it'd be better if I just wrote her a letter, but he feels very strongly that he needs to go talk to the teacher face-to-face.  He hasn't had a day off in a couple weeks, so hasn't had the opportunity to go yet; that might happen today.

[Tigerle]

Originally Posted by heathenmom 

Regarding my 3 y/o's response:  we are working with her on more appropriate ways of expressing herself, but I had NO problem with what she said in that specific instance.  I tend to let people in authority walk all over me.  I struggle with this even as a 40 y/o professional, wife and mother.  I don't want my children to ever feel like they can't speak up if they're being treated unfairly.  Could she have said it more nicely?  Probably.  I'm I going to sweat it?  Nope. 

No, no way should you sweat it. But you were sweating about the teacher's beahviour in that incident, and I actually agree with the poster who thought that while she disrespected your daughter ignoring what she said, saying HELLO - I said etc. was rather rude too, and that the teachers's way of finding a compromise that worked for them both wihtout either losing face and thanking her for her nice manners when she did show them was appropriate. It's great for your daughter asserting herself, and totally age-appropriate to be mistaken in tone. So I would never have taken her out to the car, just said someting like "so you did, but please tell Mrs Teacher more nicely" - showing that you disapproved of both ways of showing disrespect. Hope that makes sense!

So it appears she's not always a terrible teacher, though again, I think it is terrible to call a child class turtle in front of everyone and that your DH should speak up about it.

[sosurreal09]

i am pissed for you! i would definately talk to her! thats degrading shes making fun of you're child..seriously?!?! i wouldn't have kept my mouth shut right then and there....

my SIL does this to my niece constantly and it has made her really insecure.

[heathenmom]

So dd#1 was talking to me yesterday evening about school, just chatting, and she said that when she doesn't finish her work in the time allotted, Mrs. K brings her to the desk beside the teacher's desk until she finishes.  She went on to say that she really liked doing that, because she gets really distracted by one of the boys at her table talking to her.

I know that dd#1 tends to push blame onto others (if she can get away with it) so I'm not sure I believe the part about the boy distracting her.  But I think the teacher may be inadvertently encouraging dd to work slowly so that she gets to sit by the teacher.  Does that sound possible?

[sosurreal09]

see i see that as segregating her b/c shes slow.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by heathenmom 

I know that dd#1 tends to push blame onto others (if she can get away with it) so I'm not sure I believe the part about the boy distracting her.  But I think the teacher may be inadvertently encouraging dd to work slowly so that she gets to sit by the teacher.  Does that sound possible?

I think it's possible. My cousin used to be slow in her work because she "got" to stay in at recess and go to another (really cool) teacher's class. Once they figured it out and losing recess was no longer on the table, she started getting her work done on time. So I definitely think it's possible that your daughter sees the consequence as enjoyable and so isn't motivated to finish faster. I actually think that's a helpful thing to know because you can tell if she's slow because of writing/fine motor skills or because she's just dawdling.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

see i see that as segregating her b/c shes slow.

Well, yes, but if the class is moving on, then she needs to be moved to finish the previous assignment. The options are that or 1) taking the work home or 2) never finishing a single assignment.

[Lisa1970]

The teacher was out of line to say anything about your daughter being slow in front of her or others like that. If she had concerns about her being slow, she needed to save that for a private parent teacher conference. Then the teacher added to it by being rude by just grabbing the project from your child rather than asking for it. A child is going to learn more from what they see than told. That teacher seems to have a "do what I say, not as I do" attitude.

I would have been mad!