Is it sad that I'm hoping he's dating a UAV?

[smeep]

So when ex and I officially broke up in September I changed my Facebook status to single...which left his as "in a relationship" but no longer with whom. He rarely gets on anyway, and the one or two times he did after that he obviously didn't think or bother to change it to single. He apparently got on yesterday and changed it to "single" and then back to "in a relationship" (but no with whom, yet). This doesn't surprise me. I have known, since we broke up, that there was a possibility of him getting back together with his ex. 

I actually want him to get back together with her. She has a criminal record, she tried to physically assault me, so on and so forth. The reason why I would prefer that he be with a UAV (be it with her, or someone with an equally "questionable" background) is so that way it's just one more thing on my side when I refuse to agree to unsupervised visitation (this is all assuming he even wants it when the baby comes, of course). 

Am I pathetic or wrong for this? lol

[Avani]

If I had to share custody with him then I would pray for a kind and gentle woman who would ensure my child/ren were safe while with him.

[smeep]

Yeah, I know....that's what the "other half" of me thinks. On one hand I would want someone who would at least care about my baby's wellbeing...but after the way he treated me, I have no reason to believe that he will properly and safely care for the baby which is why I will be fighting for supervised visits only (if it comes down to it)...and that's where the other half of me comes in and says, "Well, hopefully it's his ex since she has a past and that will just make him look even worse which is all the better for fighting for supervised visits."

[Avani]

So essentially you are manifesting for your ex to be dating his awful ex. If it comes to court you will be surprised at what judge's order regardless of people's records/histories/past and even present. Maybe you could throw your energies into manifesting good things for yourself and the babe instead. Just a thought.

[Jessnet]

Hmmm...I'm not sure that a girlfriend would even play into custody arrangements when it comes to the Texas AG. In fact, I'm willing to bet that it will make no difference, nada. zero. zip.

A wife / fiance, maybe, but most likely even then only if she a record of child endangerment and they were opening living together. The standard automatic visitation agreement in Texas only requires one parent to notify the other if they move in with a known/registered sex offender - Notice that isn't even an automatic order of cessation of visitation in that case, just a "hey I moved in with Joe Perv"!

Protecting visitation is a high priority for the state,

I'm with Avani on this. You want him to be a with a caring women.

I say this gently, but your point of view of you ex being a UAV (while very true) is not enough for the state to limit and restrict visitation. Please be prepared for this. You need to show recurring, dangerous threatening behavior with proof. It can't be a he said / she said situation for you to win supervised visitation.

[Jessnet]

Originally Posted by smeep 
it's just one more thing on my side when I refuse to agree to unsupervised visitation (this is all assuming he even wants it when the baby comes, of course). 

Just to let you know, you can refuse to agree to unsupervised visitation, but if the judge/court/mediator awards it, your refusal doesn't matter.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Jessnet 

Originally Posted by smeep 
it's just one more thing on my side when I refuse to agree to unsupervised visitation (this is all assuming he even wants it when the baby comes, of course). 

Just to let you know, you can refuse to agree to unsupervised visitation, but if the judge/court/mediator awards it, your refusal doesn't matter.

Mediators can't award anything - and if one tries to say that you have to agree to something, refuse and walk away.  They have no legal authority - they can make recommendations, but thats IT.

But yeah, if a judge thinks he should get unsupervised visitation, then thats what he'll get.  However, first he will have to prove paternity.

[smeep]

You guys are right, of course! Thanks for laying all that out...I needed it. :) 

I'm still kind of kicking myself for not getting a restraining order on her after she tried to assault me (he held her back)...arg. But of course that person may not be the one he's dating now, I don't know. 

I know that they can't do anything in the mediation. If we don't agree, we would have to go to court to get it ordered...so I'm hoping that IF he argues it and they do that, he won't waste the time to go to court for visitation. 

On that note...IF we go into mediation and they order the standard child support and make the "every Wednesday evening with EOW" (and they would award me no overnights because I'll be nursing) suggestion and we DON'T agree....can he still technically just TAKE the baby? Or does that only apply to married couples where it's not considered kidnapping? This would be assuming we get the paternity established and child support established...and until he goes to court for visitation IF he does so.

And when I refuse to agree to the unsupervised visitation if he shows significant intent on filing for custody, should I beat him to the punch? Would it make a difference if I file first? Because if it doesn't make a difference, I would just rather wait and see if he does at all....but if it DOES make a difference, it might be worth going ahead and beating him to the punch even with the slight chance that he may not have filed at all.

[Jessnet]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Originally Posted by Jessnet 

Originally Posted by smeep 
it's just one more thing on my side when I refuse to agree to unsupervised visitation (this is all assuming he even wants it when the baby comes, of course). 

Just to let you know, you can refuse to agree to unsupervised visitation, but if the judge/court/mediator awards it, your refusal doesn't matter.

Mediators can't award anything - and if one tries to say that you have to agree to something, refuse and walk away.  They have no legal authority - they can make recommendations, but thats IT.

But yeah, if a judge thinks he should get unsupervised visitation, then thats what he'll get.  However, first he will have to prove paternity.

True, they can't force you to agree.  I was just making them into one entity "judge/court/mediator" for ease. Plus, unless you can show significant proof otherwise during the hearing (or the judge has an agenda), my personal experience has been 2 times out of 3 times the court will just go with the AG's recommendations anyway.  And going to court isn't fun or cheap.

And although they can't force you to agree, the mediator is considered a representative of the AG's office and has the authority to award binding, on-the-spot legal agreements (if both parties agree). At least here in Texas they do.   Yee-haw  :)

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by smeep 

On that note...IF we go into mediation and they order the standard child support and make the "every Wednesday evening with EOW" (and they would award me no overnights because I'll be nursing) suggestion and we DON'T agree....can he still technically just TAKE the baby? Or does that only apply to married couples where it's not considered kidnapping? This would be assuming we get the paternity established and child support established...and until he goes to court for visitation IF he does so.

And when I refuse to agree to the unsupervised visitation if he shows significant intent on filing for custody, should I beat him to the punch? Would it make a difference if I file first? Because if it doesn't make a difference, I would just rather wait and see if he does at all....but if it DOES make a difference, it might be worth going ahead and beating him to the punch even with the slight chance that he may not have filed at all.

The mediator will not "order" anything.  If you don't agree in mediation, you will have to go in front of a judge, and the JUDGE will then order "something" - what that will be no body knows until its done.  IF the judge orders unsupervised visitation, and you do not allow the father to take the child, you will be in contempt of court, and could go to jail.

IF the mediator makes a recommendation (which they aren't supposed to do since they are supposed to be neutral), you do NOT have to agree, and can choose instead to go to court.

Have you been in contact with him?  If not, don't start.  Are you putting him on the BC (this requires an affidavit of paternity signed by both of you, filed by the hospital/birthing center)?  If not, don't file for custody/paternity.  Put the onus on him.

He has ZERO rights to the child until he is on the birth certificate.  ZERO - so if he is not on the BC, no, he cannot just "take" the baby - thats kidnapping.  If you put him on the BC, or go to great lengths to get child support, then he will have rights, and you will have to deal with that.  If you don't want him involved, just leave him off the BC, and don't file for child support (although, if you need the money go ahead - just be at peace with the fact that he will have access to the child - how much is uncertain b/c its based on the judge, but he will have at least some access).

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Jessnet 

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Originally Posted by Jessnet 

Originally Posted by smeep 
it's just one more thing on my side when I refuse to agree to unsupervised visitation (this is all assuming he even wants it when the baby comes, of course). 

Just to let you know, you can refuse to agree to unsupervised visitation, but if the judge/court/mediator awards it, your refusal doesn't matter.

Mediators can't award anything - and if one tries to say that you have to agree to something, refuse and walk away.  They have no legal authority - they can make recommendations, but thats IT.

But yeah, if a judge thinks he should get unsupervised visitation, then thats what he'll get.  However, first he will have to prove paternity.

True, they can't force you to agree.  I was just making them into one entity "judge/court/mediator" for ease. Plus, unless you can show significant proof otherwise during the hearing (or the judge has an agenda), my personal experience has been 2 times out of 3 times the court will just go with the AG's recommendations anyway.  And going to court isn't fun or cheap.

And although they can't force you to agree, the mediator is considered a representative of the AG's office and has the authority to award binding, on-the-spot legal agreements (if both parties agree). At least here in Texas they do.   Yee-haw  :)

I think this is true in most places, but both parties have to agree (as you said).  If you don't agree, OP, DO NOT get bullied into agreeing.  Once there is a legally binding document, regardless of who authorized it, changing it is VERY hard.  VERY hard.
 

[Jessnet]

Originally Posted by smeep 

You guys are right, of course! Thanks for laying all that out...I needed it. :) 

I'm still kind of kicking myself for not getting a restraining order on her after she tried to assault me (he held her back)...arg. But of course that person may not be the one he's dating now, I don't know. 

I know that they can't do anything in the mediation. If we don't agree, we would have to go to court to get it ordered...so I'm hoping that IF he argues it and they do that, he won't waste the time to go to court for visitation. 

On that note...IF we go into mediation and they order the standard child support and make the "every Wednesday evening with EOW" (and they would award me no overnights because I'll be nursing) suggestion and we DON'T agree....can he still technically just TAKE the baby? Or does that only apply to married couples where it's not considered kidnapping? This would be assuming we get the paternity established and child support established...and until he goes to court for visitation IF he does so.

And when I refuse to agree to the unsupervised visitation if he shows significant intent on filing for custody, should I beat him to the punch? Would it make a difference if I file first? Because if it doesn't make a difference, I would just rather wait and see if he does at all....but if it DOES make a difference, it might be worth going ahead and beating him to the punch even with the slight chance that he may not have filed at all.

#1 - It doesn't really matter. What his ex-girlfriend did to you in the past has no bearing on his visitation rights. Who are his friends are in general have no bearing on his rights.

#2 - I don't know, you need to check with a lawyer on this.

But once paternity is established through the court, the child support and visitation are next established at the same time. So I don't understand why he would be going to court later for visitation. Maybe I don't understand the question correctly? ETA - unless you are thinking of a situation where he is at the birth of your child and he signs both the birth certificate and the AOP. In that case there would be a lag between the establishment parental rights (and subsequent free access that such a declaration entails) and a court date for a more restrictive visitation order.

#3 -  If the mandatory first mediation meeting with the Texas AG's office fails (because you refused to agree to the unsupervised visitation), the AG's office  files for you  in the court (technically on behalf of your child). So who files when is a moot point.  You'll both get served papers a few weeks later.

This might be a good resource for your questions.

The Texas Access and Visitation Hotline The toll-free number [phone]

Edited by Jessnet - 11/20/10 at 5:17pm

[Jessnet]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 


 If you put him on the BC, or go to great lengths to get child support, then he will have rights, and you will have to deal with that.  If you don't want him involved, just leave him off the BC, and don't file for child support (although, if you need the money go ahead - just be at peace with the fact that he will have access to the child - how much is uncertain b/c its based on the judge, but he will have at least some access).

I agree, it's a package deal. If you want part of the package (paternity, child support), you have to deal with the other half (visitation, custody).

[bananabee]

Sorry to ask, but what does "UAV" mean? I've been trying to figure out for days, despite google and MDC searches.

[Jessnet]

Originally Posted by bananabee 

Sorry to ask, but what does "UAV" mean? I've been trying to figure out for days, despite google and MDC searches.

User Account Violation  ( I think, LOL)

It means they are a rude, crude, meany-head that doesn't play by the rules and MDC's user policy of being nice to one another and not using foul language.

[2xand2y]

Originally Posted by Jessnet 

Originally Posted by bananabee 

Sorry to ask, but what does "UAV" mean? I've been trying to figure out for days, despite google and MDC searches.

User Account Violation  ( I think, LOL)

It means they are a rude, crude, meany-head that doesn't play by the rules and MDC's user policy of being nice to one another and not using foul language.

i always thought it meant you wanted to call them a nasty word but couldn't because it would be a User Account/Agreement Violation.

[smeep]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Have you been in contact with him?  If not, don't start.  Are you putting him on the BC (this requires an affidavit of paternity signed by both of you, filed by the hospital/birthing center)?  If not, don't file for custody/paternity.  Put the onus on him.

He has ZERO rights to the child until he is on the birth certificate.  ZERO - so if he is not on the BC, no, he cannot just "take" the baby - thats kidnapping.  If you put him on the BC, or go to great lengths to get child support, then he will have rights, and you will have to deal with that.  If you don't want him involved, just leave him off the BC, and don't file for child support (although, if you need the money go ahead - just be at peace with the fact that he will have access to the child - how much is uncertain b/c its based on the judge, but he will have at least some access).

He still has some of my stuff so I've been in contact with him somewhat. I left (well, technically he kicked me out) in September...that night he called to say he wasn't going to the midwife appointment that was scheduled the next day. I have seen him three times (I believe) since. He gave me some money the first time (just over $100). He has brought me some of my things on each occasion. I am hoping to just go there and get the rest this weekend or next. After that, my plan is to send him an email telling him that, due to his lack of interest thus far, that I will not be offering any information about the baby but that if he wants to ask anything he may do so but I will not go out of my way to provide it unless he requests it (which is what I've been doing - he hasn't asked so I haven't offered, but this way I'll have it in writing so it's proof that I'm not keeping anything from him, I'm just not offering it unless he asks). I haven't done it yet only because I don't want to piss him off and have my stuff trashed (he already let his friends burn my mail, I'm just hoping nothing else got burned/trashed so far). 

Originally Posted by Jessnet 

#2 - I don't know, you need to check with a lawyer on this.

But once paternity is established through the court, the child support and visitation are next established at the same time. So I don't understand why he would be going to court later for visitation. Maybe I don't understand the question correctly? ETA - unless you are thinking of a situation where he is at the birth of your child and he signs both the birth certificate and the AOP. In that case there would be a lag between the establishment parental rights (and subsequent free access that such a declaration entails) and a court date for a more restrictive visitation order.

What I meant was, we go to mediation for child support/custody (here in Texas they do it at once and if both parties don't agree on custody, they then go to court to hash it out). No, he will NOT be at the birth and he will NOT be signing the birth certificate, nor will I be putting him on it.

Originally Posted by Jessnet 

I agree, it's a package deal. If you want part of the package (paternity, child support), you have to deal with the other half (visitation, custody).

I know, which is why I'm very, VERY tempted to not file at all. Ideally, I would request visits be supervised by me and he agrees. But I honestly have no clue if that would happen (I think it most likely would only happen if, by then, he has ZERO intent of being part of baby's life; at this point I have no idea what his plans are). If we go to court, it's anyone's guess if he will get supervised or not. All I really have is my word of his abusive, dangerous behaviour and his alcoholism and drug use (though I could obviously request drug and alcohol testing). We have a mutual friend (they've known each other since HS, I only know her through him) who has said she would be a character witness if necessary, and she can attest to his alcoholism and drug use and generally unsafe behaviour (driving drunk, etc.). I may or may not be able to get anyone else to give affidavits or be witnesses. His parents picked me up when he left me stranded in an unsafe area at 4am...but they have previously said they won't get involved, so I doubt they will testify to it at all. It could really go either way...and that scares me. 

Originally Posted by 2xand2y 

i always thought it meant you wanted to call them a nasty word but couldn't because it would be a User Account/Agreement Violation.

Yep, pretty much. At least that's how I've always used it, and what I've always seen.