VERY introverted 18 mo old boy--Give me hope he will overcome this!

[lkmiscnet]

He wasn't socialized for the first 15 mo regrettably. He was a preemie and H1N1 was going around, I didn't know any other moms, etc.. I've been a SAHM with him too, so it's just been he and I at home and DH after work.

Trying to make up for lost time, in the past 3 months I've enrolled him in a twice a week swim class and a toddler music class. He has come far in the swim class, from crying during the entire class to the instructor now being able to lead him away from me without crying and him actually enjoying it.

However, on land, it's a different story. He is fine if we are out shopping or eating and he is playful and loves to "talk", but if a stranger directs their attention on him, he immediately averts his eyes and looks downward.

My parents came to visit (bascially strangers to him) and stayed with us and it took 5 days until he finally wouldn't cry if I left the room, so he is now in a separation anxiety phase too to compound his shyness. He is very "slow to warm" to people.

We've been in the weekly toddler music class for 12 wks now and he hasn't become outgoing at all. He stays in my lap and barely, if ever, shows any interest in the musical toys, etc. or in moving around. I try to move away from him and he just clings to me. He is painfully timid. I was hoping the class would engage him, but it hasn't done anything that I can see. He just observes the other kids, but won't move around himself or play with the toys.

His ped thinks that more intimate playdates would be best for his temperament. We had one, but she hasn't called back because my DS would not engage with her son. He just sat in my lap and her son ended up playing with his brother, so not much of a playdate for her son or mine. I don't know of any other SAHM moms, but am looking...

Our DS is also suspected of having sensory issues from being a 35 wk preemie. He's been a very high needs baby and cries at the drop of a hat and hasn't coped well with change. Very fussy...we co-sleep and I am still nursing but just starting to wean.

Please give me hope that this shyness will turn around. I'm just hoping for a switch to go off and for his fun personality that he shows at home to break through.

Anyone else with good ending stories?

[LittleGriff]

So my completely unscientific (!) opinion is that this may be more personality than anything that was done or not done in the first 18 months of life and even if he doesn't outgrow it, at least not entirely, he will probably still have a completely fulfilling life.

I have an outrageously outgoing 3 year old much to the shock of my and my husband's introverted selves. We were expecting shy little nerds - like us! He just came out of the womb like that. And he may change over time. (Also emotional. Have spent countless hours consoling him while he wails hysterically, especially at 3a ... sigh.)

I was incredibly shy as a child and my mom was given a hard time about not pushing me out into the world more. I must have been 10 years old before I felt ok staying over at a friend's. I hardly ever talked at school. I just lived in my head for about the first 18 years of my life. I've done very well academically and professionally. I'm married and have 2 great kids. I am thriving in a job that requires lots of talking and strong opinions. I just need 18 years to come into my own. I'm glad my mom didn't push me.

My dad is so quiet and socially challenged that I sometimes wonder if he has low-grade autism. My sister was always criticized for being insufficiently cheerful. So I have a huge soft spot in my heart for shy, quiet and/or overly emotional people. Although I know that for some, shyness can be genuinely crippling eventually but I think 18 months is just way to soon to judge. And the fact that he has moments of playful, chattiness tells me he's probably just fine. Not feeling comfortable in certain social situations sounds pretty reasonable to me. That's how I was/am.

If this is still a major issue when he's 20, then maybe be worried. he sounds happy and healthy which matters more than playdates he doesn't enjoy.

[crunchy_mommy]

I don't know, my 21mo DS is incredibly shy as well. He clings to me & sits in my lap when we go places. I could have written much of your post. We do get out a lot (at least several days a week in social settings) and we talk about his friends a lot but he almost never actually interacts with them or their parents. We do try to see the same people week after week & he's definitely warmed up to some of them over the past couple months (my parents, a couple of our friends' parents) though not so much the kids, he wants to see them but he wants to just observe from the sidelines... but remember too that toddler play is primarily parallel play so not actually playing WITH the other kid isn't out of the ordinary at all. But in our case at least, it's not just parallel play, it's him just watching the other kids play from the comfort/safety of my arms.

I think it is largely personality & temperment -- I see big differences in all our friends' kids' personalities already. I do suspect DS may have some sensory issues too... Also he is very high-needs as well. I don't know, I guess I'm not being very helpful or inspirational, but I definitely can relate...

[Daffodil]

My DD was really shy as a baby and toddler.  At 18 months, she might still cry if a stranger got too close to her.  Her dad and I are both pretty shy, so we assumed she would always be shy too.  But as she got older, she didn't turn out to be all that shy after all.  By the time she was 2 1/2, she was comfortable meeting new people and having them touch her.  As a 3 year old, she was always happy to see other kids her age, and would go over and engage with them and usually end up playing with them.  As a 4 year old, she would approach strange adults (at a yard sale or whatever) and start talking to them about stuff.  She's almost 8 now, and she's not the most outgoing kid there is, but she gets along well with everyone, and she loves going to places where she can play with other kids.  If there are kids around, she can almost always find someone to play with, even if she doesn't know any of them - at her little brother's soccer practice, at playgrounds, at the local park on nights when there's live music.  She's changed a lot since she was 18 months old, and your kid might too.  (And if he doesn't, that's not the end of the world.  I was a super shy kid, and I've had a happy, fulfilling life.)

[Abraisme]

I think this more about personality than it is about early socialization.  My DS wasn't socialized much outside of our family and he was always VERY out-going.  I've met many kids that were the opposite.  There is a little girl that comes to my mommies group that's be socialized a lot and she has never played with the other kids.  Also, at 18mo I wouldn't expect kids to play with each other much anyway.  Kids don't really start playing with each other until almost 3.  I think you should find some friends and take your LO out, but he might always be introverted, some people just are and that's okay.  :)

[Okapi]

It is very possible! I am speaking from experience. My DD was not very outgoing when she was younger. She would watch everyone with great interest, but didn't like it when people she didn't know well tried to interact with her. I was also in much the same position as you - difficult to get out, didn't know any other mothers close by. At 15 months we enrolled her in a Little Gym class, mostly for the social aspect, and she still was very reserved. It took almost a *year* for her to be comfortable enough to be one of those kids who is off exploring on their own, but you'd never know it to look at her now (almost 3)! She loves the instructors, and often prefers them to help her with something then me (may not sound like much, but for DD, it's HUGE). She is going to be in a class w/o me next semester, and I actually think she's ready for it! Not only that, but she is getting much better with people in general. She will (most of the time) say "thank you" (or at least "thanks") to someone who offers her a compliment, and can ask for help when we need to approach a store clerk about something. It really is amazing to me, especially since I am pretty introverted and have mild social anxiety, so I have worried that I would do more harm then good in those areas.

[Tjej]

Have you read anything about being introverted?  It is a different way of being, but it isn't really something that will be "cured" (or that should be cured).

My DD is quite introverted and would have done what you describe at that age.  From experience, let me suggest that the more you try to push him, the more he will hold on for dear life.  It really does work best to let them get comfortable on their own time and in their own way.  It was about a year of the same playgroup, once a week with the summer off, before my DD started playing with the other kids in the group. 

My DD is 4 now and she is much more comfortable in her own skin in social situations than she was at 1 1/2.  She is still more of an observe-first kind of kid, and I expect that is how she will be.  She isn't boisterous or loud in groups.  One-on-one or really small groups are where she is her most vivacious self. 

Think of the good things about his temperment - he won't run off on you at the mall.  He is probably nice and quiet and sits with you in meetings/restaurants/etc.  :)

If you haven't read about introversion, pick up a book from the library.  It'll be helpful.

Tjej

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Tjej 

Think of the good things about his temperment - he won't run off on you at the mall.  He is probably nice and quiet and sits with you in meetings/restaurants/etc.  :)

LOL!!!!!!!!!! I find this so funny! I consider DS to be VERY introverted but he is definitely not nice & quiet in meetings and he loves running off at the mall.... I hope the OP has better luck with that

But I do think you're right that if it's a temperment thing, it won't just magically change, he may just always be a quiet, introspective kid...

[marge234]

First, please, please, please stop blaming yourself.  Your son's behavior probably has very little, if anything, to do with how he's been or not been socialized.  The time he's spent with you has been, is, will continue to be great for him.  I get that you're concerned about his being social, and that's valid, but it's great that he's turning to you.  You will be able to help him figure out how to enjoy the world.  I don't know what that other mom expects as far as 18 month old play dates.  Maybe there was a misunderstanding?  I don't think parallel play is outside the norm at that age.  

Maybe I'm inferring too much bec of my own struggles, but you sound a down.  Having a preemie and worries about H1N1, not knowing other SAHMs, that's a really tough transition to motherhood.  I hope you're getting support in addition to the terrific MDC boards. 

I know you're asking people to tell you not to worry, but you sound worried. If you're concerned, honor that. You can get your son evaluated by EI or other developmental specialist.  It may just be his temperament but there may be something else going on.  It doesn't hurt to check into it.  The EI eval is free. In my state they come to your home--I think they do that everywhere,not sure.  If he doesn't qualify for any services you might get some good information about engaging/encouraging a slow to warm up kiddo.  If there is an issue you'll be working on it while his brain is still growing, and it'll be easier to address now than down the road.  Let me back up.  It's not that I think there is an issue.  I just wanted let you know that EI is not only for super serious problems andwanted to encourage you to trust yourself.

Hang in there mama.  You're doing a great job.

[34me]

I have a 12 year old that did not speak in pre school at all.  ever.  And I worked in the same building and his brother had also gone there so he was very familiar with the situation.  In actuality he really only ever spoke to me until he was 5.  Now at 12 he does not like to be the center of attention or the life of the party but he is pretty normal (I think) :)

[ElliesMomma]

why wean? i can't *prove* this, but it is my personal opinion that the longer you give them the comfort of nursing, and the security that they can always have this comfort, the better adjusted they will become eventually, and the braver and more courageous they will be in their outside interactions, knowing they have you and your comfort to rely upon.
 

Originally Posted by lkmiscnet 

He's been a very high needs baby and cries at the drop of a hat and hasn't coped well with change. Very fussy...we co-sleep and I am still nursing but just starting to wean. 

[LynnS6]

I started a thread a while back (before the new system) with the title: Parents of slow to warm up children, take heart!

I'll just add to that thread (because I post about his preschool-aged tendencies but not his toddler tendencies) that he had separation anxiety from 4 months (I kid you not) until he was 4. He was in daycare 3x a week from age 2 1/2. It was a very slow process warming up. If we could have left him out until he turned 4, I think it would have been better for him. About 3 months after he started daycare, they got a new lead teacher. It took him about a month to even say one word to her.

Our ds also has sensory issues, and I think it compounded his natural personality. I would highly recommend OT as well, if you can possibly get it. It helped our son feel so much more comfortable in his skin. I'm convinced that getting his sensory issues attended to helped him be able to focus on social learning. We didn't start OT until age 5, and did it for 2 years. And it really wasn't until age 8 that he started to want to 'join' things (and even then it was only one thing). This year (age 9) has been a huge breakthrough in his wanted to join groups and try activities. I don't think it was OT that did that, but I think OT made it possible for him to develop the skills to be comfortable doing that when his own internal development was ready. He's always going to be an introvert. But he won't be recluse. He actually had a conversation with our pastor at church today! He volunteered information. Coming from a child who didn't speak at all in Sunday School for 2-3 years, that's huge.

The other thing I'd say is that I'd personally hold off on 'playdates' for a while yet. He's 19 months. Most 19 month olds don't play with each other. It's just not where they are developmentally. He doesn't need playdates with other kids right now. Sure, he needs exposure to other kids, but that can be in small doses with you by his side. You might try a music class (Kindermusik or something similar) or story-time at the library. That'll be enough for a while. When he's 3 or so, then he'll want to play with other kids. Or maybe when he's 4.

[thehighernest]

I can't speak about sensory issues, etc., but I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one with a shy/introverted toddler. I worry about my son all the time, and go back and forth between thinking something is the matter with him and thinking that this is just his temperament.

My DS is around your son's age (20 months) and shows a lot of the same inclinations you mentioned.

He still freaks out when we walk into my mother in law's house or my brother's or into any social situation where there are many people (and to him, many people could be just 3 or 4). He's gotten a bit better with strangers, but when he was younger he would give everyone a deadly serious stare as if to make it very clear he was not interested in being engaged. He's been in daycare since August, and to this day, he still cries the moment he walks in through the door and turns around pulling me to walk back out. Classes like ones at The Little Gym were a disaster. He never wanted to sit still and do what the other kids were doing. And he shows no interest in talking. In short, he's not a super social child.

Whatever the reasons for his being this way are, I can tell right away from the other children's behavior at day care that DS is just different. What that means, I don't know. But he's not like the other kids. I know previous posters mentioned about parallel play at that age, and I believe that to be true, but I do still see the majority of the children interacting in some way with other children, even if it's to steal a toy away. And one of the teachers mentioned they try to move them up to the next room with a buddy (but made sure to tell me DS didn't have a buddy, so it appears some of the children DO form some kind of relationship). He doesn't seem to mind the other children, will defend himself fine if he has to, will laugh at something another child does, but just isn't all too interested in them otherwise (unless they're older: he loves older kids). Altogether, he can be very demanding, willful, head strong, etc.

On the other hand, he no fears about running off to explore outdoors, in stores, etc., hardly taking a moment to look back and make sure we're there. And he's perfectly happy playing by himself for small amounts of time. Which seems so contradictory to how clingy he can be with us and otherwise reserved he is. I can't really make heads or tails of it actually. Maybe he's just really independent?

Gosh, it doesn't sound like this is going to make you feel any better. The point is that this is just how he is. So I'm working on just accepting that. Like one father told me this morning: "It sounds like your son knows what he wants, is independent, and passionate. All great traits in an adult. But it makes things more challenging as a parent."