3 year old with multiple severe allergies, tired mama and daddy :(

[cdmommie]

Our 3 year old has a long list of allergies, most of which just give her a rash.  However, Dogs, Guinea Pigs, Peanuts and Eggs all send her into respiratory failure and major hives.  We have known about most of her food allergies since she was an infant and we have learned to deal with them fairly well.  Now, we have severe animal allergies and it's just a little more difficult and exhausting.  She had a reaction to a guinea pig on Thursday night which didn't end completely until Monday.  It was several miserable days of a rash and multiple asthma attacks.  All she did was hold the animal (we didn't know she was allergic at the time) for about 2 minutes.

If a dog licks her it is the same scenario, just more severe.  If she eats any significant amount of Eggs she goes into anaphylactic shock..... it's just, well, exhausting to be constantly fearing for her life.  

Just today, at ballet class, she held a little girl's hand who apparently had pets at home and had not washed her hands since handling them.  My daughter broke out in hives and started to have breathing trouble.  A dose of benadryl and 2 puffs of her inhaler did the trick, but I was still panicking.  

She sees an allergist regularly to keep on top of it all and keep us all up to date on the "action plan" in allergy and asthma situations with her, but I just can't help but feel overwhelmed.  Is anyone else going though this or have some words of wisdom?  I'm tired, I'm scared and I'm just in anxiety-mode almost all the time because I worry what people have touched, eaten, ect when they come in contact with her.

TIA

[FAmom]

Hang in there.  I know it is hard, and scary, and causes such anxiety.  It sounds like you have quite a bit to keep track of.  What is most important in what I read is that you are aware, that you are doing your best, and that your DD has parents that love her and want to keep her safe so are working to do that.

What I can tell you is that for us it has been 10 years, with 3 children, and while the anxiety may not go away, it gets different at different stages of their lives.

You will always be a Mom.  You will always love your DD.  And, you will always want to keep her from being hurt.  To do that, how can you not worry?  

I still worry about what people have touched.  What people have eaten.  What animals are where.  What food is being served. And a whole host of things that other people never have to think about.... ever.... but that if I listed to them would sound like I was a loon to anyone else that isn't parent to an allergic child. 

What has evolved over time for us is the choices we make in relation to the answers to those things.  If the risk is too great, do we go?  Is there a way for us to assess the situation and head into it prepared ..... always with a lot of wipes..... to make it safe?

Over time, we've become less concerned about what other people want, what the expectations are from family/friends, what others might think (especially if we are wiping hands or putting a paper towel down or even saying "Don't touch that"), etc.

At this point, for me, with 3 food allergic kids, eczema/skin infections and environmental allergies, there are things we pass on doing not because there might not be a way to make it happen, but, you know, sometimes it is just to avoid the anxiety.

For us, we've reached, and are immersed in, school age issues..... and that, by far, has been the worst.  Caused the most stress.  And shown us the ugliest of people.  Personally, for me, seeing the true nature of some has actually been harder to deal with.  

But, all in all, I wish I could say it all goes away.  It just changes.  You learn your own way of getting through things depending on what is important for you.

Do you feel like you need to go to everything?  Can you tell friends and family to wash their hands when they come through the door?  Do you care if anyone has a problem, or acts weird, when you ask to see the packaging on food to read ingredients, or if you tell your DD to go wash her hands because she just touched "someone" "something", etc.

If you don't have a problem doing what you need to do first, then the next thing is to start teaching your DD to do those things that she will need to do for her safety.  Things like not touching things, washing hands, wiping hands, not eating anything unless you say it is okay, etc.

And just for example, my kids automatically come in the door from school and go wash their hands.... without touching anything else.  For others, it may seem odd.  But for them, because we started it early, made it like a habit, something automatic, done without thinking, now it is something they do without a second thought.  It may seem like a small thing too, but, it is important.

Other things, especially when they are little, is not eating anything that we didn't give them.  Sure, there are things it might not matter if they got from someone else, but it is about giving them automatic manageable things they can do, that make the anxiety for you less if your child comes to you first, but that also puts actions that protect them in place until they are old enough to read labels, understand about food, about people (and their odd agendas sometimes).

I could probably go on forever.  But, really, just know that part of it all is that you are a Mom.  That doesn't change.  I will never get used to the fact that a small bit of food could kill my child.  And I know that there will always be people that don't get what that is to carry that around every day.  

My job now though, now that I'm at the stage I'm at, is really looking long term..... more about preparing my kids for the eventuality that they will be at an age one day where I won't necessarily be there every minute to catch something if they miss it.  It has taken 10 years to get there.  And, I do have a toddler still, but how we will approach managing his FA's is vastly different than our first because  of the benefit of the experience of what we've developed along the way with our other two.

So, after my ramblings, develop an approach.  Think about your lifestyle.  What things cause you the most anxiety.  What you feel you have to do as opposed to things that are optional.  Evaluate things, and the level of risk they pose for your DD, and think ahead about management in that situation.  Think about how you can do small things along the way that create habits for your DD that give her some part in learning management as well.  

Like I said before, my kids wash their hands first thing in the door.  Another thing about hand washing is that they don't touch their face before washing their hands, especially if it is out and about, with other people, at an activity, when they are handling something, etc.  And, when they are little.... that type of thing is easy.... it is a matter of modeling the behavior..... "we just got home, let's wash our hands" "ooops, we touched that cat, let's wash hands so we don't get anything in our eyes"  ... or something similar.  

In the end, you love your DD.  You are doing the best you can.  You can't change her list of allergies, but you can think about their management, knowing you are going to work hard to make sure she is safe.  The stress won't go away, but at some point, realizing you are doing a good job, that you are doing all you can, and you are slowly teaching your child safe habits/behaviors, then you can take on the variables that life tosses your way.

[Purple*Lotus]

I am sorry you are going through this.  I have the dog allergy myself and have found dogs to come up in the most unexpected places.  I even react to some of my students if they have a dog at home.  I feel for you, OP.  :hug

[cdmommie]

Famom, thank you so much for taking the time to share so much. I felt tears coming to my eyes just I'm not alone and someone knows exactly what it is like. Your post was so helpful!

[FAmom]

I'm glad I was able to help.  I know that it can be very hard and overwhelming..... and, you know, there are days when you are able to get out of bed and take on anything that these allergies throw at you.  Then, there are days when it seems like every time you turn around there is something, or just even one thing, or just even thinking about it, and it is too much.  

And, sometimes, even if you have supportive friends/family, what you really need is to hear something from a person that actually does understand.  That really applies to a lot of things in life too!  

Just remember to give yourself a break.  You don't need to go to everything or do everything, and you can give yourself time to step back and breath.  It is okay to take care of the most immediate things for your DD's safety, but some of the extraneous activities you could opt out of until you have a chance to think about how you could manage it ahead of time, or even if it is something that should just wait until your DD is older.  

BTW, you mention guinea pigs as one of your DD's allergies.....we actually just found out about a month ago that our middle DS was allergic to guinea pigs.  He recently started going unattended to a friend's house for play dates, but kept coming back broken out in hives.  Hadn't been fed anything.  But, was headed for allergy testing anyway, so we added in guinea pigs just to see since this friend has them.  Wouldn't you know it..... allergic!  So, we are still in the process of figuring out how all we want to handle it.  Until then, his friends come to our house, and that is okay. We aren't quite sure what we want to do about it, or even if just from know on, if he wants a play date with them, it has to be at our house.  And, you know, that is okay at this point in time, and at his age.  We'll have to think about it eventually to develop something for him in the long term, but for now, we aren't pressuring ourselves to figure it all out immediately.  

So, like I said before, hang in there.  Things wax and wane, and don't be too hard on yourself.  And, maybe, during some of those times when you are feeling the worst, go get a big hug from your DD.  Kids can be like sunshine, lifting your heart with one of their little smiles and their squeezey hugs!