For as long as I remember I have always felt like I have been out of the loop with everyone else....does that make any sense? Almost like I am an actress in the play of life. I have never felt completely comfortable...mostly out of sync and kind of a sham of a person. I am 25 years old and I NEVER remember not feeling this way. Last night I kind of had one of those "Ah, ha" moments...not quite an epiphany, but nearly. I came to realize that no one is really what they seem on the outside. We all have issues, hidden fears, and skeletons in our closets. No one is 100% ALL THE TIME. I spend far too much energy analyzing my brain and life...it really shouldn't be that difficult--life, I mean. I have always held back in the happiness department because I think I am always afraid if I am feeling truly happy and secure it will all come crumbling down on me. My father died when I was five and my mother was left alone and has never been the same....could that happen to me? Yes, it could. My husband could die and leave me with two children...but so could anyone else's husband. I don't have a crystal ball and I don't need to live my life on constant "red alert" because something may or may not happen to me and my family. I have built up walls around me that need to crumble. Bad things DO happen to good people...but life goes on, right? My mother drives me nuts. I need to get over it. She is never going to change and I have to deal. I want to think of her as the woman who drove across the country with her best friend when she was 23 to go to an 'America' concert and smoke joints with roadies...not the bitter widow cat woman she has become who obsesses with the weather channel and complains of her aches and pains and constantly finds fault with my crunchy child rearing. Okay, my weight. I can't believe how much of my daily time is taken up by my thinking and plotting over my extra weight. It is ridiculous. I am falling right into the overweight persons consumer trap.....I am done feeling bad about my body. My weight didn't come on over night, more with two babes in a year and a half, and I shouldn't think it should come off over night either. I constantly get down on myself about my weight and it has got to stop! No one should validate themselves as a person by the size of their arse.....and I should feel sorry for anyone may judge me because of it.
The baby needs me.......and that's all I've got for the moment. It feels good to get this off of my chest. It has helped coming to MOC and reading posts from others....I always felt like I wasn't quite 'crunchy' enough and there was more I could do to be a better person for this earth, myself, and my family. I have learned there are quite a lot of us that feel that way. I'm insecure about myself and I think this is the start to helping me find a better sense of self-- or a step to self awareness. I know I'm not the only one with deep issues...if anyone cares to share--it does feel good to get it off your chest.
The baby needs me.......and that's all I've got for the moment. It feels good to get this off of my chest. It has helped coming to MOC and reading posts from others....I always felt like I wasn't quite 'crunchy' enough and there was more I could do to be a better person for this earth, myself, and my family. I have learned there are quite a lot of us that feel that way. I'm insecure about myself and I think this is the start to helping me find a better sense of self-- or a step to self awareness. I know I'm not the only one with deep issues...if anyone cares to share--it does feel good to get it off your chest.
