How to chill out about milestones?

[SilverFish]

My lo is just turning 9 months old and a recurring issue with me is relaxing about her hitting milestones. I talk the talk to any parent I meet (oh, babies develop at their own pace, just relax and let them learn!) but I have a really hard time letting go. I'm generally a really relaxed person, but it seems like with parenthood, I relax, then suddenly think maybe I shouldn't have been relaxing and tighten up. I did that all through my pregnancy... I kind of pooh poohed people who were all paranoid about every little thing, but then of course I had PPROM and a baby in the NICU for 10 days... so of course I started thinking maybe it was because I was doing yoga, or being really active, or that beer I had with dinner that one time or whatever. I KNOW logically I didn't cause any of those things to happen, but I can't shake it.

Now I have a petite, happy, bright little girl, and I still can't help worrying about her development. We have a group of babies that we spend time with, 3 10 month olds, a 7 month old, and us. Of all of them, mine is the only one not crawling or pulling up, the only one not clapping, pointing or making word sounds, and she's the smallest by far. The two closest in age to her are practically walking, and mine is the one lying on her tummy in the corner, licking the floor.

Sometimes (like when she finally started sitting on her own a month ago) I am able to feel like everything is ok, but then it seems like she gets stuck in a phase, and all the other babies we know are developing in leaps and bounds. I think I'd feel better if she was doing SOMETHING earlier than the rest of them, but I don't think she is going to.

Away from everyone else, I can see that she eats well, that she plays games with me, that she can really move across the floor (rolling or scooting) when she wants, that she's happy and healthy. When I'm with other people with babies, or reading about other people's babies, or hearing about my relative's babies, those doubts creep back in. Reminding myself she was a month and a half premature helps, except when I then start wondering if I somehow caused her prematurity.

What can I do to release this anxiety? I've found myself being more anxious in general about other things too (watched a scary tv show a couple weeks ago, and am still compulsively locking the doors and checking behind me) but I really am a relaxed person (or, WAS a relaxed person before having a baby). Are any of you mamas also dealing with these issues?

[jennybear]

Sounds a little like mild OCD to me (I was diagnosed with it after baby). Your thoughts seem repetitive/obsessive and you're having trouble letting them go. You also have some compulsions going on with the door checking. You might want to consider talking to a doc about anxiety/anxiety disorders (OCD is one) just to get checked out. Talking with someone may be helpful.

In terms of your baby's development, it sounds like she's more than on schedule for a 9 month old born a month and a half early. By 9 months, a baby should be able to move around a bit independently (whether by crawling, scooting, rolling, what have you) and it sounds like she's already there! That's awesome.

We also have a baby/parent group and it's really hard not to compare them to each other. But what everyone says **is** true--babies develop at their own pace. And it's not like walking early or late is an indicator of future brilliance. ;)

[Parker'smommy]

Your baby sounds actually ahead of the curve for a 7 1/2 month old...which your baby would be, if she was full term. Premature babies are supposed to hit milestones in proportion to their due date. She SHOULD be 1 1/2 months behind. It's easy to forget this....HUGS!

[Knitting Mama]

I wish I had an answer for you, mama, because I am in the same place. My 7.5 month old isn't crawling or even trying to get up on her hands and knees, nor can she get herself into a sitting position. Once there, she can sit indefinitely, and she can roll to her destination, but that is it. She can't pull up but she loves standing and walking while holding fingers. I know that part of the reason I can't stop freaking out is my frame of reference is skewed-- my sister's kids did these things freakishly early. My nephew was running by 7 months old, having crawled for only 2 weeks beforehand. I know that, intellectually, he was just very far ahead in physical development, but that doesn't stop me from being concerned that my little girl is "behind," since she doesn't seem to have an urge to crawl at all.

[3xMama]

I was that way when my first was born. I was constantly worried about her development and wanting her to be ahead of the curve. It took about 18-24 mos before I really stopped caring. It just slowly melted away for me. Now that I've had a second baby, its never really crossed my mind. It was much much easier for me to relax with him-even though he didn't crawl until 8.5 months and refused to walk holding our hands until 11 months. He showed absolutely no intrest in those activities until he literally started doing them. It sounds to me like your LO is really on track for her age. Also, some kids never crawl, they just scoot. You may just have a scooter on your hands.

I do agree with checking into postnatal OCD. You make it sound like you are very intense and obsessing over things. You even say you were relaxed before baby, which implies to me that you're obsessing or freaked out about other things that you haven't mentioned. Talking with someone may help.

As frustrating as it is to hear over and over again, babies really do go at their own rate. They're born when ready and they to everything else when ready, too. She's definately within the realm of normal, esp when adjusted for her prematurity. :)

[P.J.]

Originally Posted by Parker'smommy 

Your baby sounds actually ahead of the curve for a 7 1/2 month old...which your baby would be, if she was full term. Premature babies are supposed to hit milestones in proportion to their due date. She SHOULD be 1 1/2 months behind. It's easy to forget this....HUGS!

Would it help to maybe tell your pediatrician all of these worries and hear from an 'expert' that your baby is healthy and normal? If not, perhaps a few sessions with a therapist would help you relax.

[sageowl]

Mine has always been a bit slow on the gross motor stuff, so I've gone through varying phases of concern and non-concern too.  Talking with family really helped me get some perspective on the issue--it turns out gross motor delay is a familial trait--and most of my relatives were also slow on the gross motor stuff  (my grandmother says my father didn't sit up until he was 12 mos old, but he went on to be a high school/college athlete, so it doesn't necessarily mean anything at all).  I'd only be concerned if it's a global delay (all areas--social/emotional, fine motor, gross motor, etc).   Otherwise, it's probably just an individual quirk that ultimately means nothing.

[Llyra]

I worried terribly, about DD1, with her milestones. Which looking back was absurd, because she was clearly within the average range for almost everything. But at the time, it just seemed like all the other babies were doing things she wasn't doing, and I was freaked out and worried and afraid.

What worked for me was first of all, getting accurate information about what the true range of "normal" is, and what exactly constitutes a red flag. Don't forget to adjust for baby's prematurity. Then I'd take a good look at the anxiety--- "tightening up" doesn't accomplish anything, after all. Even if something was dreadfully wrong, worrying would not help one little bit, not at all. It really won't.

Why not ask for an evaluation? I don't know how it is in Canada-- do you have an Early Intervention program? I'm sure you must-- that's what I finally did. They came to my house, and spent some time with me and DD, and when they left, I had a really objective assessment of what DD could and couldn't do, and whether what she couldn't do constituted a problem. It was incredibly reassuring to know that somebody else besides me had an eye on the situation. I felt like I could relax and enjoy DD more, now that I wasn't the only one aware of my concerns. As it turned out, she was a bit behind on a few issues relating to eating and speech, and we qualified for services, but by the time we'd really started the services, she'd already caught up all by herself-- which was telling, really.

If it were me, I'd get the eval, just for the reassurance.

What I do know about red flags for this age group are that you seek an eval for a baby who's:
not rolling at 7 months
not sitting at 10 months
not lifting the chest off the floor when on the belly, by 8 months
not in motion, whether creeping, crawling, scooting, walking, knee-walking, army crawling-- by 12 months
not pulling to stand by 12 months
not walking at 18 months
not clapping (once you've modeled it a lot, of course) at 12 months
can't voluntarily drop an object, by 12 months
not using a finger-thumb pincer grasp by 18 months
is consistently only using one hand
has very poor eye contact
doesn't respond to sounds
doesn't attempt to reach for interesting objects that are close enough to reach, by about six months
doesn't explore his/her voice by making a variety of sounds-- keeping in mind that babies will often get fascinated with one particular sound, and stick with it for days and days before moving on to a new one

AND you adjust ALL of those for prematurity, if babe was born before 37 weeks.

[SilverFish]

Originally Posted by Llyra 

I worried terribly, about DD1, with her milestones. Which looking back was absurd, because she was clearly within the average range for almost everything. But at the time, it just seemed like all the other babies were doing things she wasn't doing, and I was freaked out and worried and afraid.

What worked for me was first of all, getting accurate information about what the true range of "normal" is, and what exactly constitutes a red flag. Don't forget to adjust for baby's prematurity. Then I'd take a good look at the anxiety--- "tightening up" doesn't accomplish anything, after all. Even if something was dreadfully wrong, worrying would not help one little bit, not at all. It really won't.

Why not ask for an evaluation? I don't know how it is in Canada-- do you have an Early Intervention program? I'm sure you must-- that's what I finally did. They came to my house, and spent some time with me and DD, and when they left, I had a really objective assessment of what DD could and couldn't do, and whether what she couldn't do constituted a problem. It was incredibly reassuring to know that somebody else besides me had an eye on the situation. I felt like I could relax and enjoy DD more, now that I wasn't the only one aware of my concerns. As it turned out, she was a bit behind on a few issues relating to eating and speech, and we qualified for services, but by the time we'd really started the services, she'd already caught up all by herself-- which was telling, really.

If it were me, I'd get the eval, just for the reassurance.

What I do know about red flags for this age group are that you seek an eval for a baby who's:
not rolling at 7 months
not sitting at 10 months
not lifting the chest off the floor when on the belly, by 8 months
not in motion, whether creeping, crawling, scooting, walking, knee-walking, army crawling-- by 12 months
not pulling to stand by 12 months
not walking at 18 months
not clapping (once you've modeled it a lot, of course) at 12 months
can't voluntarily drop an object, by 12 months
not using a finger-thumb pincer grasp by 18 months
is consistently only using one hand
has very poor eye contact
doesn't respond to sounds
doesn't attempt to reach for interesting objects that are close enough to reach, by about six months
doesn't explore his/her voice by making a variety of sounds-- keeping in mind that babies will often get fascinated with one particular sound, and stick with it for days and days before moving on to a new one

AND you adjust ALL of those for prematurity, if babe was born before 37 weeks.

thanks so much for that list of milestones, and for everyone's responses. i am feeling much better after reading them. especially the list, 'cause i'm like, check, check, check! she is most definitely fine, it's just my brain that might be broken :) it helps that she for real started crawling (army style) the day before yesterday...

i have her 9 month appointment with her ped tomorrow, so i'll probably bring up my concerns, but i think the ped will tell me to relax.

... which i really am trying to do! i don't know whether it constitutes a real mental health issue, but the anxiety does feel all-encompassing sometimes. i will mention it to the ped as well and see if she has any resources for me.

[P.J.]

Honestly, to me it doesn't sound like you have a mental health issue at all. Our culture is so focused on comparing and getting there so fast and pushing kids to excel and develop beyond what they really should be doing. Also, I noticed that I have become a lot more 'paranoid' if you can call it that, about all sorts of possible lurking dangers. I know sometimes I go a little too far with it (DH keeps me in check!), but I feel it's just my first-time mama instincts...sometimes on overdrive, sometimes fueled by stories I read, the media, etc.

I think you are doing fine and hopefully with help can relax more, but really it's pretty normal if you ask me.

[whozeyermamma]

I know how you feel - I felt the same way about my DD, now 7. She did not roll more than once or twice, crawled at 10 mo, walked at 13. I was totally stressed about it and annoyed by all the people who kept asking "isn't she crawling/walking/etc yet?" and watching all my friends kids meet their milestones.

It is soo hard to keep this in perspective when you're mired in it - but I can tell you that now, at age 7, her favorite thing to do is to swing as high as she can and then hurl herself into space. I never think about the fact that she walked at 13 mo and the 2nd grader next to her walked at 11 mo. 

Think about this - the difference between a newborn and a 5 mo old is astronomical, the difference between a 6 mo old and a 12 mo old is still pretty great - but 5 months difference in  8 year olds? It's nothing.  So, for this little DS (5 mo) I'm really not worried that he's only rolled once and only started pushing up well this week.

As for the anxiety - only you know whether this is normal motherhood paranoia, which we all have, and a mental health issue. I can tell you that I do have PPD and the zoloft is doing wonders for the depression and the anxiety. BUT it also takes a pretty concerted effort to not let my mind go into all the dark places it sometimes wants to go. I think that without the zoloft I couldn't get my mind in a good place by positive thinking/relaxation/whatever alone. The clue for me that the anxiety was also mental health related was that it was more than the "oh crap he's got a fever at 2 am, maybe it's menningitis," (which to me, is like normal momentary mom paranoia) - and it was like "oh my god, someone is going to break into my house and kill us all," or fixating and obsessing on possible random bad things happening.

Good luck to you though - and let us know how you're doing!

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by whozeyermamma 

I was totally stressed about it and annoyed by all the people who kept asking "isn't she crawling/walking/etc yet?

This is part of what makes it so hard, I think. People mean well, asking what she's doing, but it's hard to look at it as anything but a slight towards her. And in my family it's especially hard because my sister's kids were both really early with physical milestones.

[kcparker]

Recite to yourself, "She will be walking, talking, feeding herself, singing, dancing, using the potty, weaned, literate, and not sleeping in my bed by the time she goes to college."

I am taking a developmental psych class right now, and I found out an interesting fact: the age at which babies start walking is genetically heritable. Average age for Jamaican babies to walk: 8 months. Average age for French babies: 14 months. Somehow, both countries manage to field Olympic class runners. Ask your parents when you started walking and when DH did, maybe you walked late. And do keep that age adjustment in mind when you are comparing (though comparing is the root of much sorrow).

If you want to help her out, I have also noticed that babies who are worn a lot seem to have better balance than babies who are pushed in strollers - they are upright and their inner ears are getting used to balancing as a bipedal being as mom or dad walks around with them strapped on in an upright position.

If the anxiety seems to be interfering with your daily life, I would go see somebody about it or do some self-help with cognitive therapy to try and replace the bothersome thoughts with something more positive and productive.

[LynnS6]

Crashing from new posts:

I think you need to think of your dd as 7.5 months old NOT 9 months old. If you do that, she's completely on time! Ahead even. You really do have to adjust the age for the first 2 years. After that, it doesn't matter so much. It's hard not to compare, but if you do, try to give it the "in a year, will this matter?" test.

If it helps, my kids are 6 and 9. My older child didn't sit until 9 months. (And he was born at 42 weeks.) My younger child was 'early' at 8 months! Both are happy, healthy, typical kids now. It didn't matter that they were late in sitting. The only downside was that I had visions of pictures of ds sitting in front of the Christmas tree. Instead, I got pictures of ds lying under the tree!

[waiting2bemommy]

well if it makes you feel any better, my ds was born at 40w1d, sat at 6 month, crawled at 9 months, and walked around 13 months. I was like, "great, I make normal babies." lol

enter dd. even though she got herself a whole extra week to cook (born at 41w) and did sit up very well at 5 months, sh is now 7 months and can't crawl, isn't trying very hard and does not seem to care a bit. She thinks she can walk (and she can if you hold her fingers) but she is clueless about pulling up to a stand, getting herself into a sitting position or anything else. I know she will do it one day so I just look at it as an extra couple of weeks to get away with not mopping/sweeping daily since she will stay put on a blanket or whatever!

So if your dd's adjusted age is 7 months she is doing great! Mine lays on her stomach and grins and licks the floor too! (ew) and even at 9 months not all babies are great crawlers. Your dd has a leg up on mine if she can at least get herself somewhere by rolling ro scooting! ("a leg up", har har, no pun intended)