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How am I supposed to live without my daughter?

post #1 of 104
Thread Starter 
Sorry I havent been on.
I have no internet..
I just got a smart phone and so I finally feel like i have some type of connection to the outside world. Since my babygirl passed I have been in a haze it feels like a fog.
I have kept to myself. No conseling yet. Maybe soon. Deffinately church soon. Need god in my life as do my children. I know it seems crazy but I think i take them even more forgranted now. I even seem to have no patience and then again sometimes i have more than i ever knew i could. I have lost my mind i feel.. i dont think time has eases this pain but yes i have learned to live with it. Or have I? I wonder if i am fooling myself that I am healing and grieving when i havent dealt with all my feeling or if i am really healing? Can i heel!? How do you heal from something like this. Sorry i know i probably make no since honestly feel as though ive lost myself. Alot of me left the day she did. My boys are good now 4 and 2 and my 2 yr old has so much of his sister it breaks my heart and yet comforts me at the same time. I just had a baby girl February 24th of this yr and though i thought i wasnt strong enough to do it i am here with them and i no longer want to die. I thank the lord for my boys and my time with my daughter and i thank him and my angel for sendind her sissy. Not having girl stuff arounf really got to me. I coulsnt go in the atore without cryinh or rubbin the girl items and thinkin of her. And having girl things around again helps in a way. I still have my daughters room with all of her stuff i dont think ill ever put away. I still buy her things as well. She is who made me who i am today. Losing her changed me profoundly. I still ache for her as tho it was yesterday it doesnt seem like it been so long. I have noticed though i dont allow myself to cry.. when i atart to i can stop myself usually. I had told myself for so long that i didnt even deserve to cry that i think i believe it. I did bawl when i read the post about you taking down your blinds beth and then again bawled at beccy removing hers. You dont know what that mwans to me. To know my baby had an impact and maybe saved another is comforting! And for you to research blinds like u did beth is amazing! You go momma! Thank you all alm of your for your kind words i read every word. I am very interested to homeopathy also. I fried antidepressants theyre just not for me. And if any other mom would like to talk i am always here i am not much comfort and have no magic words but we can share our memories. Me and my husband still dont really talk about that day.. we reminisce about her the words she was learning the things she did we just dont talk like we shoukd but were still together. My 4 yr old struggles he struggles with why she is gone and doesnt like the word dead or die. He says she up in the sky with jesus. He has gotten the worste end i feel.. his mom has been in a grieving state for half his life and i have had all my bad days and he was there for them ): i dont have much help. Its just me. My husband doesnt help much even when he ia here wink1.gif but i do have some small piece of mind knowing my baby is in paradise and would never wish her back. I only make it knowing we still have eternity together. And i cant wait til then. Oh and my babys name was Yulia. My beautiful little Yulia.







I am 23 I have 3 kids.
My eldest son is 3..
My daughter is 19 months..
My youngest son is 7 months.

Recently my world has been turned upside down.
I layed my 18 month old babygirl down for a nap on Oct. 30th
And when she hadn't woke up about an hour later I went to check on her. What I found will be with me for the rest of my life. She was sitting up and looked to be asleep. I remember laughing cuz she often dozed of sitting up.. And as I stepped into the room I seen her lips were blue and she had the blind cord around her neck.

I yelled for my husband who got her untangled and handed her to me. I gave her CPR and I remember feeling knowing she wouldn't be ok.. I remember as I gave her CPR hearing her voice as the air exited her little body and thinking I will never hear that sound again. As I called 911 I remember screaming she's dead my baby is dead. Not wanting to believe it. I remeber carrying her to the paramedics. I remember the cops came and how long tha ambulance sat outfront before departing to the hospital and I knew she wouldn't be ok yet somehow I told myself life support or some miracle would save my baby. My baby can't be dead. You hear awful things like this happen but never would it happen to you or your child.
At the hospital we were formally told they did all theycpuld but she had died. I remember crying over her tiny body and telling her I was so sorry. I wasn't there when she needed me the most.
At the hospital we were formally told they did all theycpuld but she had died. I remember crying over her tiny body and telling her I was so sorry. I wasn't there when she needed me the most.
A planned her funeral. I kept thinking each day I would wake up and it would all be a dream. I eared it all to go away. I didn't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I couldn't hold my baby. I feel I don't deserve my boys when I can't keep my daughter safe. I feel so guilty. I couldn't eat for days after she passed. I just want to go away to go be with her. I know my boys need me but I just I can't seem to come out of this pain. I walk by her room and picture finding her. I smell her clothes. Not feedig her in the night and no diaper changes is hard. I dot want to care for my other children because I can't care for her.
Everyone says I must be strong for my boys. I would have never eaten had it my been for them I know they need me. I just don't know how to live without her. I will never see her precious smile again. Or hear her voice.. I am very lost. I just don't know what to do.



i dont know if i reply or edit to post this so.. sorry

i am sorry i have been in a depression. i don't get online. i don't do anything that is not a necessity.

i have been to the counselor once. i haven't been back. she told me during my visit that it was not my fault i am just young..

young? so had i been older it wouldn't have happened? i know she meant nothing by it but it still just hurt.



i never would have knew. blinds are something you grow up with and they're just a common household item.

yes you tie up the drawstrings when baby-proofing.. but the inner cord makes a perfect loop. and who would have ever imagined?

i thought i was a good mom. i am against hitting. i have researched all i can research i thought. i am not for circumcision.

i don't vaccinate.. i thought i was a good mom. now i see i wasn't as good as i thought..



4 months and 2 days since i seen her beautiful smile or heard that's sweet voice.

4 months since i buried my 18 month old babygirl.



i don't have a sense of peace. i thought i would feel she was in heaven and be comforted but i have no such feeling.

maybe it is me? but i look at her pictures and she seems so lost.



i still cry myself to sleep at night. when i wake up and it smacks me in the face..

this must be hell on earth? i spend every moment trying to deal with the pain.

work through it and deal with it so as to confront it and resolve it yet i feel no difference.

sure as the days pass i feel differently but the pain.. every time i cry is still so painful.

oh it hurts physically. i feel like i can honestly cry myself to death never in my life have i felt pain until know. your husband cheating.. losing relatives..

nothing even comes close to the pain i feel the grief.. it is crippling literately and is unimaginable.

i wouldn't wish it on anyone.. yet i can very easily pick another family in walmart taking their child for-granted

or even my own family and friends who seem to be unattached emotionally and say why not them?

why not a family who wouldn't miss their child so much.

i feel like i am losing my mind.

there are mornings i don't want to get up let alone be a mom.

but i always think how everything i do will effect my kids not just physically but emotionally as well as mentally..

so i try to be strong for my boys.. but it is hard i don't want to take them out to play when i cant take her.

it just seems no matter where i am there is always one too few..

and no one understands.. the one person who knows what i feel. who was there when i found her.

who created her with me. seems to be lost as i am and its as though we cant help eachother.

i still have alot of work to do.

but i wanted to reply to let you all know how much your words really do mean at a time i feel i have no one.
Edited by AveryLostMommy - 5/29/12 at 10:14pm
post #2 of 104
Oh mama. I have nothing to say that will makeyou feel better but I do so wish I did greensad.gif

I couldn't read and not post. Hugs.
post #3 of 104

I am so sorry! Please find some support IRL... I cant imagine how you are feeling... hugs!

post #4 of 104

There are no words to convey what I am feeling after reading your post- my heart breaks for you- I'm so very sorry for your loss.  hug.gif

post #5 of 104

I am so sorry for your loss.

post #6 of 104

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

post #7 of 104

I am so very sorry, Mama.  Have you been able to see a grief counselor?

post #8 of 104

I am so very sorry. bawling.gif

post #9 of 104

Oh my god mama I am so so sorry.  I can't even imagine how you feel.

 

candle.gif

post #10 of 104

I cannot imagine how you are feeling.  I am so so sorry for your loss.  Losing a child has got to be the single worst thing that could happen to a person.  Do you know if there are any support groups close to you for people who have lost a young child?  I think it might be very good for you to talk to other people who have been in your shoes- who have had their worlds come crashing down and survived.  I will keep you in my prayers.  

 

 

 

 

 

post #11 of 104
My heart goes out to you and all of your family. I am so sorry for your loss. candle.gif
post #12 of 104

so very sorry, mama. mecry.gif

post #13 of 104

I am so sorry for your loss. :(

post #14 of 104

Oh, mama, you are living every parent's nightmare. We all do our best to keep our children safe, but none of us is perfect. Most of the time our children are lucky and manage to survive despite the times we parents turn our backs, misjudge something, overlook a risk. And then occasionally situations like yours happen.

 

It will take many years, but it will get easier for you. Take it one day, one hour, one breath at a time, if needed. Hang in there. Find support and counseling. We are all sending you hugs!

post #15 of 104

My heart goes out to you, AveryLostMommy. Best wishes and healing thoughts to help you through this dark time.

post #16 of 104

Oh Mama!  My heart breaks for you and for your family.  Your baby knows you love her, and knows that you would have helped her if you had known.

I am so sorry to hear your story, and wish I could take some of your pain away. 

I wish you peace,

~maddymama

post #17 of 104

I am so sad for you, and so very sorry for your loss.  Reading you story just makes me cry. hug.gif

post #18 of 104

i am so sorry hug.gif

post #19 of 104

i am so sorry, too. i believe there is a national group called Compassionate Friends that helps support anyone who has lost a child. be gentle with yourself.

post #20 of 104

Oh my God, I am so very very very sorry for your loss and it just breaks my heart to read your post. :( :( :(

 

One of my twins is dependent on oxygen to survive, and I almost lost him one night when his oxygen ran out without us knowing. When I checked on him, he was blue/grey, but with CPR and rescue breathing, he regained consciousness...but I was so close. We were so close. I know that horrible HORRIBLE HORRIBLE feeling. Oh my God, I'm just so very sorry for you. :(

Please reach out. I know how easy it feels to just let your grief consume you and sink into it...but your sons need you and your husband needs you and it WILL get better.

I will keep you in my prayers. I can't tell you how my heart breaks for what you are living through right now. :(

Claire

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