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How am I supposed to live without my daughter? - Page 5

post #81 of 104

Your pain is so unbearable...I wish I could take it away for you. I just want to wrap my arms around you and tell you it's all going to be okay. I'm so sorry. No one should ever feel the pain of losing a child. No one. It's not your fault. As I look around my house right now, there are countless ways I could lose one of my children from a tragic accident. You are not to blame for your baby's death. No one is. The first step towards any glimmer of peace would be to absolve yourself of any responsibility. You're going to need support to do this. You cannot do this alone. I definitely think a new counselor is the way to go. PM me if you would like a homeopathic consult. I'm a practicing homeopath and would help you free of charge. Sending you light and love in this dark, dark time. You will be in my prayers. I pray you find peace and relief soon. 

Edited by Kindermama - 4/2/11 at 11:07am
post #82 of 104
I am so, so, so very sorry. You will continually be in our thoughts at my home.
post #83 of 104

Oh my god, I am so, so, so, sorry brokenheart.gif  That is completely heartbreaking.  I just want to grab you up in a huge hug and let you sit with me and cry all you want, for days if you have to.  My heart goes out to you, it really does.  I couldn't even imagine how much pain you must have gone through.  Please do not time your grief cycles.  Don't worry about working through things or any thing like that.  Just live as best you can one moment at a time and accept all the help you can get.


Much love to you and your family.  heartbeat.gif


Here is an idea, if you are open to it.  If not, maybe you could try it when the rawness of the pain has subsided a little.  Sit in a spot where you feel happiest and talk to your daughter like she is still there.  Ask her to show you a sign that she is still with you in spirit.  I really do believe that while our physical bodies die, our spiritual bodies are infinite.  She is on the other side, waiting to be with you again. 

post #84 of 104

I could barely read your story though my tears. Nothing I can type here could possibly convey what I feel upon reading this... but I do want you to know that I (as any other mother) truly understands that you loved and wanted to protect your child as much as any other mother. Mistakes do happen, and they happen to the best, most careful parents. I hope you can find a support group IRL, as you certainly are not alone in your grief.


I wish I could help you feel less pain right now. I'm so sorry for your loss.      

post #85 of 104

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you, and wondering how you;'re doing.


post #86 of 104

I am wondering how you are doing too. Every time I see your post, I cry. 

post #87 of 104

There are truly no words :(  I am sitting here bawling my eyes out.  I have a 3 year old and a 20 month old and I just cannot imagine.  I can feel your pain thru your posts.  I hope you are doing better.

post #88 of 104
AveryLostMommy: i have been to the counselor once. i haven't been back. she told me during my visit that it was not my fault i am just young .. young? so had i been older it wouldn't have happened? i know she meant nothing by it but it still just hurt.
Sometimes counselors can say stupid things that make you feel worse. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you. 
post #89 of 104

I think of you from time to time and wonder how you are doing. Hope you are finding some peace hug.gif

post #90 of 104

I still think of you often. I hope you come back soon and update us. ((((hugs)))))

post #91 of 104

Thank you for sharing your story. You are an extremely courageous mother. I pray that you heal a little more each day. I pray that the sun shines on you and your family more than usual. I pray that you find peace and that you receive the All-Healing Power from the universe.


Eternal Blessings

post #92 of 104

dear friend, i know how you feel, everything you said i feel, all i do is cry all day, pray to Jehovah God, my precious daughter was murdered 9/28/10 its been 17months and not a day goes by, not a second goes by that my stomach isnt wrenching, the people who killed her made it look like a suiced, they hung her from a door knob, she was found sitting on the ground with her feet indian style ive had 4 different people come to my house telling me how she really died, it is sickening, the  cops are wrong, there is no justice but even if they got put away in jail my baby girl wouldnt come back. she had just turned 21, i have a 18 year old son who i adore, but i hate it when people say "you still have your son" yes and i thank god every day for him, but i had a daughter  that no one can replace her, she was my life, my kids are my life, i dont know what to do, this life is hell for real, i dont believe god took her, god is a God of love, he desires nobody to die, it was satan that took our girls, my daughters name was Roxxane, what  was your little babys name? I am so sorry you lost your baby, you didnt do anything wrong, i take comfort in the bible in rev 21; 3,4 it says and god will wipe every tear from every eye and death and pain will be no more, no more crying or dying. the former things will have passed away. I still cant myself to clean up her room but odlyenough i buy things for her room, jewlery, etc....things i know she would like, we will see oudaughters again this Jehovah has promised the ressurection, god cannot lie, take comfor t in that please, my name is cindy you can call me, 916-289-2093 i have free long distance so if you dont just call me for a sec and i will call you back, i dont want to live, but i have my wonderful son, he needs me, i am a single mom, i live in roseville ca, where do you live? i feel exactly like you, how am i suppose to live without her and everywhere i go i see moms with there daughters and i feel so jaded, i actually break out in tears in stores, people must think i am crazy, i dont care what people think, i had to bury my beautiful, wonderful precious daughter, all i want is to have her back and feel her warm body next to mine, i want to hold her, kiss her 3 times on her forhead, kiss her  feet, and never let her go, what happened to us is the worst thing a parent can experience, you never think your child will die before you, no parent should have to bury their child, i will pray for you and ask Jehovah for his holy spirit to help you endure this horrific nightmare, i hope to hear from you i think we can help each other, Cindy

post #93 of 104
My heart breaks for you and your husband. This was not your fault. There are no words to say. I am so sorry for your loss.greensad.gif
post #94 of 104

I still think of you from time to time and wonder how you are doing. Much love to you...

Edited by P.J. - 3/19/12 at 11:49am
post #95 of 104

I just saw this thread and want to tell you how truly sorry I am.  Please please don't blame yourself!! As others have said, you are a wonderful loving mommy.  This was nothing more than a horrible tragedy.  Your baby was so loved, it is so clear.  You will see her again.  Please let us know how you are doing.

post #96 of 104

I am so sorry sweetie. I hope that you can find some counseling and talk with someone about your grief. There are many support groups out there and you could talk to some other moms that have gone through what you are going through. I will put you in my prayers for peace and a way for you to cope and handle your grief while taking care of your boys. 

post #97 of 104

Hello.  I found this thread doing a Google search on "How am I supposed to live without my daughter"?  :(  My daughter took her own life in May of 2010.  She was 25.  She shot herself.  She was beautiful and brilliant and accomplished.  I am a single mom with two teenagers still at home.  I work fulltime.  For the first year after my daughter died, I did not know moment to moment how I could continue.  I was trying so hard just to survive and make it through the day and keep being a mom and keep going to work and keep trying to hold things together.  When I would pass a cemetery, I would think how peaceful it looked.  It is only within the last couple of months that I realized I had thought to myself that I didn't want to die.  I am having more days now than not when I feel life is still worth living, but today, once again, I am so heartbroken, sitting at work, fighting tears.  I have beautiful, wonderful living children -- I have a large family -- and I love every one of them and honestly, it is because of them that I am still here, but ... Before my daughter died, she'd been in rehab in another state.  She'd been discharged and had a good job and a good living situation, even had just received a promotion and raise.  Then I got the call from the Sheriff that she had gone missing.  I am haunted by the knowledge her body lay there alone in the woods where she took her own life for several days.  I went down with my other daughters to see her one more time and find out everything I could.  The clothes she was wearing when she died are still underneath my bed.  Some days I think I can learn to live with this;others I wonder.  I want you to know, beautiful mama whose 18mo old died, beautiful mother whose daughter was murdered, that it comforts me to recognize in your words the pain I also feel.  I don't know how we go on, beautiful women.  I don't know how.  I am sitting here at work on this beautiful day fighting to believe I can be whole again.  I loved my baby girl so much.  I birthed her naturally, I breastfed her and tandem-breast-fed her, I was overjoyed with her, always.  We are a broken hearted sisterhood, those of us who have known this loss.  My love and prayers for all of you, for all of us.

post #98 of 104
Thread Starter 
Sorry I havent been on. I have no internet.. I just got a smart phone and so I finally feel like i have some type of connection to the outside world. Since my babygirl passed I have been in a haze it feels like a fog. I have kept to myself. No conseling yet. Maybe soon. Deffinately church soon. Need god in my life as do my children. I know it seems crazy but I think i take them even more forgranted now. I even seem to have no patience and then again sometimes i have more than i ever knew i could. I have lost my mind i feel.. i dont think time has eases this pain but yes i have learned to live with it. Or have I? I wonder if i am fooling myself that I am healing and grieving when i havent dealt with all my feeling or if i am really healing? Can i heel!? How do you heal from something like this. Sorry i know i probably make no since honestly feel as though ive lost myself. Alot of me left the day she did. My boys are good now 4 and 2 and my 2 yr old has so much of his sister it breaks my heart and yet comforts me at the same time. I just had a baby girl February 24th of this yr and though i thought i wasnt strong enough to do it i am here with them and i no longer want to die. I thank the lord for my boys and my time with my daughter and i thank him and my angel for sendind her sissy. Not having girl stuff arounf really got to me. I coulsnt go in the atore without cryinh or rubbin the girl items and thinkin of her. And having girl things around again helps in a way. I still have my daughters room with all of her stuff i dont think ill ever put away. I still buy her things as well. She is who made me who i am today. Losing her changed me profoundly. I still ache for her as tho it was yesterday it doesnt seem like it been so long. I have noticed though i dont allow myself to cry.. when i atart to i can stop myself usually. I had told myself for so long that i didnt even deserve to cry that i think i believe it. I did bawl when i read the post about you taking down your blinds beth and then again bawled at beccy removing hers. You dont know what that mwans to me. To know my baby had an impact and maybe saved another is comforting! And for you to research blinds like u did beth is amazing! You go momma! Thank you all alm of your for your kind words i read every word. I am very interested to homeopathy also. I fried antidepressants theyre just not for me. And if any other mom would like to talk i am always here i am not much comfort and have no magic words but we can share our memories. Me and my husband still dont really talk about that day.. we reminisce about her the words she was learning the things she did we just dont talk like we shoukd but were still together. My 4 yr old struggles he struggles with why she is gone and doesnt like the word dead or die. He says she up in the sky with jesus. He has gotten the worste end i feel.. his mom has been in a grieving state for half his life and i have had all my bad days and he was there for them ): i dont have much help. Its just me. My husband doesnt help much even when he ia here but i do have some small piece of mind knowing my baby is in paradise and would never wish her back. I only make it knowing we still have eternity together. And i cant wait til then. Oh and my babys name was Yulia. My beautiful little Yul
post #99 of 104
It's so wonderful to hear an update from you! I think about you every now and then, and I'm glad to see you and your family are getting by okay. Congratulations on your baby girl. smile.gif
post #100 of 104

Aw I'm so glad you've come back to update us. I still think of you sometimes and send you love. It warms my heart to know you've been blessed with another baby girl...you're right: sent by Yulia. I'm sure she's looking over you and your babies now as an angel.

I wish for you that you can find some way, some safe space where you can fall apart a little and at least allow yourself to cry. Put your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug and take care of you. You do deserve that. You are so strong and brave to go on being a mama to your kids and having the courage to bring another one into the world after your loss. It's okay to let go and cry. I bet it would feel good. There's a Jewish proverb that says: Tears are for the soul what soap is for the body. In my experience it has been true. A real release and cleansing of sorts. Very healing. Yes, you are healing and you can continue to heal.....as much as the pain will never completely go away and you never will or should get "over" it. But some healing is natural and don't doubt it.


Sending you much love and support. So nice to hear from you again. hug2.gif

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