When other children come over (aka was I out of line?) - Page 2

[GuildJenn]

I agree with Lach.

I think you have to consider how you want to have people/children over in your home. If your plan was to play outdoors and you were inviting them along, that needed to be clear in the invitation. "We'd love to have you come play outside."  Part of having people over involves having your plans disrupted.  If you didn't want to watch a movie, that is fine, but it needs to be made clear with a simple "No, we're not watching anything today" -- not by making the viewing unpleasant.

If you flip it around, imagine if a parent invited your kids over thinking they would watch TV all afternoon and your kids were asking to play with toys that were on shelves, and then that mom huffed about it and made it difficult to play with all the pieces (to avoid mess, say). It's the same thing. It's just that you have attached a value to television.

I think you taught your kids a lesson in inflexibility and rudeness. I totally get that it is a charged situation for you, so I agree that you need to find room for your MIL in another way.

[lalaland42]

You know, I used to have a problem with having an idea in my head of what I wanted to do on a particular day not matching up with what happens. For example, I'd want to do thing X when visiting my ILs on the other side of the country but it would never happen because I wouldn't speak up. Then I'd be mad because my ILs couldn't read my mind. :lol I found it was much better to just say what I want. Last time we visited, in fact, I said the only thing I wanted to do while we were there was see the Liberty Bell with DD. So we saw the Liberty Bell. 

Next time MIL comes over, just say 'hey bring jackets because we will be playing outside today' so expectations are already set. 

[pianojazzgirl]

OK, if I was in that situation... I think what I would have done was to lend the kids something so that they could all go outside. Surely the 7 yo could have squeezed into something of the 5 yo's, or worn something of yours with the sleeves rolled up, or something, yk? Regarding the tv... if it wasn't a time that I wanted the tv on I would have simply said no, and tried to think of an alternative activity to direct them to if they were having a case of "I'm bored, there's nothing to do!". If I decided that it was an ok time to have the tv on, but the other kids wanted me to read them a story I would have taken story time into another room when we wouldn't be disturbed by the tv, and the girl wouldn't have been disturbed by us. If the girl was being really rude to me I wouldn't hesitate to ask her to not speak to me like that. However, it sounds like she was in MIL's care (?) in which case I'd expect MIL to step in if there were behaviour problems. If MIL was clued out or whatever I'd probably take her aside and point out what had occurred and ask for her help with the girl.

[dmpmercury]

You were very rude to the little girl who did not sound out of line. When people come over sometimes plan change. I don't see the big deal about her watching the movie she wanted. She was the guest. It was rude to read to your kids with budding anger while she was watching the movie. If you really were that against the movie say so. If you wanted to go outside I'm sure you could of found somwething that she could of used since one of your oldest is approaching 6. I undestand you have issues with MIL and the kid might get on your nerves but don't let it show. The kids have been through enough.

[CherryBombMama]

so im going to be the odd one out.

yeah, you could have handled it better, but

1) why does everyone make it seem like the 7 year old just couldnt help herself? ive known plenty of 7 years who have good manners, even when theyre family situation wasnt the greatest and i think a 7 year old has to go out of their way to be disrespectul. i know i had a basic understanding of what not to do in someone elses home.

2) i think your MIL should have stepped up to the plate and handled it instead of you. when your ds brought out a movie he was excited about, MIL could have said, "this isnt our house, and they dont usually watch tv in the daytime anyway, so lets be thankful you get to watch something." this is a conversation that would easily happen in my family, and my extended family.

and 3) it didnt sound to me like you were trying to read loudly. your kids didnt want to watch tv, so you did the next best thing for them, since you assumed this was "visiting time" and didnt want to send your kids out to play while everyone else was inside.

yes, they were your guests, but i dont believe guests should be allowed to make complete demands, even if they are kids.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by CherryBombMama 

and 3) it didnt sound to me like you were trying to read loudly. your kids didnt want to watch tv, so you did the next best thing for them, since you assumed this was "visiting time" and didnt want to send your kids out to play while everyone else was inside.

yes, they were your guests, but i dont believe guests should be allowed to make complete demands, even if they are kids.

When someone else is watching a movie, it's rude to read aloud (or talk loudly) in that room. Go to another room to do it or be quiet. I don't think that's expecting too much of an adult to do. MIL has a habit of actually being the one to turn on a movie and then talking through the whole thing. It drives me nuts! I can't ever hear, so I have no idea what's going on. In the end, just don't turn on the movie if you can't be reasonably quiet during it.

In my view, the guests chooses from the available option of what to watch. It was the OP's movie, so her kids can watch it later if they want. The guest doesn't necessarily have that movie at her house, so what's it hurt to let her choose the movie to watch? It's just the polite thing to do. 

I don't think either the OP or the child were being gracious or polite, but the OP came here venting about the child. I think it looks like everyone is defending her just because the OP didn't seem to see that she was rude, too.
 

[CCJWGM]

Please excuse me for not reading the responses and for ignoring this thread after this.  I ask for the utmost nicety with this. 

I am a victim of sexual assault while young which consequently spiraled me into a life of accepting abuse. I have stepped out of this world.  I am grateful every second of every day to have found my DH who took my hand and helped me away from it.  Each day is a new day that I must confront.  Some days are great.  Some are not so great.  I have deep rooted issues to heal and am healing.  I know I must work hard each day on it because of my children.

My MIL and SIL still live in that world.  Last night my DH and I have made the painful choice to step away from his own mother.  I can not heal and I can not be the mama or person I want to be while a periodic witness to the affects of a abuse filled lifestyle.  Everyone I know in their life is a victim of abuse or an abuser.  Maybe some day I can heal enough to help them.  But I am not healed enough now.  Please, no flames, just love.  This is my choice:  a hard choice.  Yesterday which left me in a sheer panic attack was the icing on the cake.  I have panic attacks every time that women comes over. 

I have my own life.  One with respect.  I can not have people coming in to try to take that away.  DH's response is always the same.  "I moved away from home at 17 and never came back for a reason." 

I long for a supportive family but now embark on a new journey:  making my own supportive family instead of desperately trying to make a bad situation into something it isn't. 

Thank you for listening.  Have a blessed day everyone - especially the mamas who are also survivors. 

[CherryBombMama]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom 

Originally Posted by CherryBombMama 

and 3) it didnt sound to me like you were trying to read loudly. your kids didnt want to watch tv, so you did the next best thing for them, since you assumed this was "visiting time" and didnt want to send your kids out to play while everyone else was inside.

yes, they were your guests, but i dont believe guests should be allowed to make complete demands, even if they are kids.

When someone else is watching a movie, it's rude to read aloud (or talk loudly) in that room. Go to another room to do it or be quiet. I don't think that's expecting too much of an adult to do. MIL has a habit of actually being the one to turn on a movie and then talking through the whole thing. It drives me nuts! I can't ever hear, so I have no idea what's going on. In the end, just don't turn on the movie if you can't be reasonably quiet during it.

In my view, the guests chooses from the available option of what to watch. It was the OP's movie, so her kids can watch it later if they want. The guest doesn't necessarily have that movie at her house, so what's it hurt to let her choose the movie to watch? It's just the polite thing to do. 

I don't think either the OP or the child were being gracious or polite, but the OP came here venting about the child. I think it looks like everyone is defending her just because the OP didn't seem to see that she was rude, too.
 

i see your point. but in my family, the only time someone just watches a movie is at night when its time to settle down, esp because the living room is where everyone wants to hang out. i think OP should have turned the sound up for the girl, so in that sense - yeah she was intentionally being rude. but where was she supposed to go read to her kids? the only other rooms we have would be the kitchen, which is not a comfy place to read to kids, or a bedroom,which would be totally shut off from her guests. the point of the visit was for the MIL to see the kids.

and yes, it is the polite thing to let the guest choose the movie, i totally agree. but i mentioned before that MIL should have stepped in and told the girl its rude to demand a movie  in someone elses home. i would be just as frustrated as OP, and i would probably come off as rude, too.

of course it could have been handled better by both parties, but goodness, OP was just trying to visit and keep everyone happy.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by beezer75 

Please excuse me for not reading the responses and for ignoring this thread after this.  I ask for the utmost nicety with this. 

I am a victim of sexual assault while young which consequently spiraled me into a life of accepting abuse. I have stepped out of this world.  I am grateful every second of every day to have found my DH who took my hand and helped me away from it.  Each day is a new day that I must confront.  Some days are great.  Some are not so great.  I have deep rooted issues to heal and am healing.  I know I must work hard each day on it because of my children.

My MIL and SIL still live in that world.  Last night my DH and I have made the painful choice to step away from his own mother.  I can not heal and I can not be the mama or person I want to be while a periodic witness to the affects of a abuse filled lifestyle.  Everyone I know in their life is a victim of abuse or an abuser.  Maybe some day I can heal enough to help them.  But I am not healed enough now.  Please, no flames, just love.  This is my choice:  a hard choice.  Yesterday which left me in a sheer panic attack was the icing on the cake.  I have panic attacks every time that women comes over. 

I have my own life.  One with respect.  I can not have people coming in to try to take that away.  DH's response is always the same.  "I moved away from home at 17 and never came back for a reason." 

I long for a supportive family but now embark on a new journey:  making my own supportive family instead of desperately trying to make a bad situation into something it isn't. 

Thank you for listening.  Have a blessed day everyone - especially the mamas who are also survivors. 

I suspect some people reading this will be confused about what being an abuse survivor has to do with this, but I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand. Surviving abuse has made me a very different person -- both in good ways & in bad -- and there are many times when I feel I probably step over the line from protecting myself & not taking further abuse, to being rude & overstepping my boundaries, especially with people I'm close to (or am expected to be close to). And sometimes the line is unclear, and sometimes outsiders don't have the necessary information to make that kind of judgment.

Anyway, I'm glad you have made what sounds like a positive choice for you & your family, and I wish you lots of peace & healing. Thank you for sharing, too, because it helps ME to know I'm not the only one dealing with these kinds of issues.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by beezer75 

Please excuse me for not reading the responses and for ignoring this thread after this.  I ask for the utmost nicety with this. 

I am a victim of sexual assault while young which consequently spiraled me into a life of accepting abuse. I have stepped out of this world.  I am grateful every second of every day to have found my DH who took my hand and helped me away from it.  Each day is a new day that I must confront.  Some days are great.  Some are not so great.  I have deep rooted issues to heal and am healing.  I know I must work hard each day on it because of my children.

My MIL and SIL still live in that world.  Last night my DH and I have made the painful choice to step away from his own mother.  I can not heal and I can not be the mama or person I want to be while a periodic witness to the affects of a abuse filled lifestyle.  Everyone I know in their life is a victim of abuse or an abuser.  Maybe some day I can heal enough to help them.  But I am not healed enough now.  Please, no flames, just love.  This is my choice:  a hard choice.  Yesterday which left me in a sheer panic attack was the icing on the cake.  I have panic attacks every time that women comes over. 

I have my own life.  One with respect.  I can not have people coming in to try to take that away.  DH's response is always the same.  "I moved away from home at 17 and never came back for a reason." 

I long for a supportive family but now embark on a new journey:  making my own supportive family instead of desperately trying to make a bad situation into something it isn't. 

Thank you for listening.  Have a blessed day everyone - especially the mamas who are also survivors. 

I know this is hard for you, but I'm so very very very happy to read that you and your dh are on the same page and are separating from those who drag you down.

You asked that we not flame you for stepping away from your MIL, SIL, and all their abusive/abused acquaintances, that makes me think that you might be feeling guilty about cutting them from your life. So I'd like to point something out:

You are not a psychologist or therapist or anyone else with the sort of training to help abusive situations, and even if you were you would still be too close to the situation to be able to ethically act in the role of counselor for your MIL and SIL et al.

They Are NOT Your Responsibility.

[peainthepod]

I know you're ignoring the thread now but I just wanted to chime in with some support. When I was still in contact with my abusers, they brought out the absolute worst in me. Just being around my toxic mother filled me with violent thoughts and made me very short and rude even when she didn't always deserve it. I wish you nothing but love and healing on your journey.

[*bejeweled*]

Originally Posted by Hey Mama! 

I'm sorry but i think you were out of line.  She was being a 7 year old.  Telling her off didn't accomplish anything but make your MIL and the kids leave-but if that was your intent then I guess it worked.  I would have found a sweater or something for the girls to wear and have made them go play outside or just tell the girl nicely that you weren't going to turn on the TV you can play in the bedroom/playroom/where ever or you can play outside.  

True dat.