Thinking about sacrifices for providing private alternative schooling

[Devaya]

I would love some input from parents who have had their children in different schools, that is private vs public, and specifically 'holistic' schools (nature and play based) vs more mainstream schools. I need to make a decision about where to send my son and although he's only 3 now, because it involves where to live and how much to work, I am thinking a lot about it now. Basically I'm fortunate to have a lot of choice in the county where I live (I'm in England) where there are several alternative schools. Money is a huge issue - currently I'm a single mother on benefits (welfare) studying part time but I plan to start working again (self employed) in a few months time - still, I'm not sure its realistic to plan for private schooling, esp when DS's dad hasn't the means to contribute and furthermore is quite against paying for schooling on principle.

One of the schools that interests me is a democratically run school (ie children included in the decisions, no hierarchy etc) which only starts formal schooling at 7 as per the European recommendations - which I wholeheartedly agree with, and in mainstream public schools and most private schools formal schooling here starts at FOUR - and the other also starts formal schooling at 7 but also is very nature-based, play-based, and taking the learning objectives from the children - ie it doesnt follow Government Curriculum (the curriculum here is v problematic and comes with a lot of chart ticking and pressure on children and parents). The fees are also lower than other private schools.

BUT there are 'good' public schools in our area too, and I sometimes wonder if I'm just making a rod for my own back about something that won't matter that much to my child. I think it matters more to ME, you know? I SO want him to keep his natural love of learning, his confidence and independent thinking, and I think that public schools here cannot support that fully by their very nature (high teacher/student ratio, the government targets, etc). It's also important to me for him to spend a lot of time in nature, and this second school offers that with a woodland on premises and a forest school as part of the schooling.

The thing is it will require me to work full time and therefore spend a lot less time with my son in order to pay for these schools....and I'm just not sure what is going to be more important for him and for our (albeit small) family: me to be there for him after school or for him to go to a school that he can come out the other end being as whole as possible. I have to add that my own extremely negative public schooling experience definitely colours my perceptions and ideals here - bullying (from teachers and pupils), total boredom and just generally not at all being supported to reach my potential. I want my son to have the opposite of that, i guess, but it involves a huge sacrifice. 

Anyone have any input? Sorry for the long post!

[whatsnextmom]

We have made sacrifices for our kids education but only those that we could make without sacrificing the family unit. There were private options for my eldest but we turned them down because we simply couldn't afford it without my going back to work full-time and putting our little one in daycare. I've sacrificed my career to be home more. I recently gave up my part-time job to send my eldest to a public but  specialty school with a long commute. However, though the loss of my income hurts, it is something we can do on DH's salary with a tighter budget. If we couldn't have, well, I'd still be working part-time and DD at the local high school.

We have friends who have made such sacrifices as you are talking but I'll be honest, it doesn't seem to be working out too well. Mom is working non-stop to not only afford prime private schools but to buy the things their kids need to FIT IN to these private schools where the kids come from high income families. The expectations for perfection are SO much higher when you are giving everything for the experience. It's hard to be truely satisfied.  The kids enjoy their schools but family life is tense and the kids do feel guilty.

Honestly, your son needs YOU more than anything. If sending him to a private school means he gets less of you, I see it as a real loss to the family unit. Personally, I'd go with your best public school option and see how it goes before considering such a sacrifice. Kids are resiliant. If it's terrible. If he's crying himself to sleep at night, by all means, pull him out and try something else. However, to assume that will happen seems a waste of resources. Take the time with him that you can. YOU can teach him about nature and it'll be a meaningful experience because it's with you. 

[Devaya]

Thanks so much for that...I am thinking about keeping my options open and at least going to some open days at public schools to see what's really going on. My friend viewed one very close to our home and said the kids all looked happy and engaged, and there were lots of extra teachers... and I think you're right, I can always take him out to nature more - as it is in the summer we do loads of camping and nature festivals etc. I feel quite stressed at the thought of working so much that my whole life becomes a juggling act.. I worked part time (at the same time as studying part time) a few months ago, for 6 months, and it made me so exhausted and also quite ratty and snappy with DS that I packed it in in the end. It wasn't worth it. It's an interesting point about having to also afford the expensive things for him to fit in with the other children at the school...I guess b/c it's an 'alternative' school - and the values include watching minimal or no TV - I didn't think consumerism would be a big issue. But I guess it's possible that it's everywhere. Your post has definitely given me food for thought.

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by whatsnextmom 

We have friends who have made such sacrifices as you are talking but I'll be honest, it doesn't seem to be working out too well. Mom is working non-stop to not only afford prime private schools but to buy the things their kids need to FIT IN to these private schools where the kids come from high income families. The expectations for perfection are SO much higher when you are giving everything for the experience. It's hard to be truely satisfied.  The kids enjoy their schools but family life is tense and the kids do feel guilty.

That is very interesting, because that hasn't been our experience at all.  In fact, DD's school and many like them in the area are fairly diverse (economically).  Maybe it is because they are more alternative based than "prep school" based.  I would imagine that you would see the high income stuff in some of the more elite prep schools in my town, but there are a lot of alternative schools that cater to a wide range of income groups.  The feeling that I get from DD's school and the kids/families that attend is that the families value the educational philosophy and thus sacrifice in other areas in order to make it work.  I mentioned this on a few other threads, but our "sacrifices" involve tolerating each other in a very small apartment and coming to terms with the fact that we won't have too much disposable income for a long time.  It is worth it for us, though.  There are a lot of similarly situated people in this town and more often than not, people do this because a particular school is a good fit for their child.  I haven't met anyone who sends their kids to private schools just for the sake that it's private.  But then again, I don't really run in the circles where "private" is important because of social status. 

 

[AndrewsMother]

Our family could do more if we did not have tuition to pay, but it is worth it and not really a sacrifice.  Honestly, I would feel as if we were sacrificing our son's quality of education if we chose to send him to any of the local public schools.

I drive a 1995 Ford Explorer and a 1999 Volvo S80,not a Maserati, a Bently or even a 2010 Volvo and I an my opinion and that of my child are respected the same as other with greater material means.  I have learned that the values important to my family are important to the parents of my son's school mates. Hard work, academics and integrity are stressed over material goods. I have assisted the teachers change students after plays and portrait sessions and noticed that the children of CEO parents wear Target, JC Penny and Wal-Mart Clothing.  Many discount shop and all look for ways to save money.

There are a few private schools in my city with a similar tuition structure that are known for attracting "rich" kids who are not smart enough to attend other schools in the city, and maybe there materialism is rampant.  However, parents chose the school that we attend because the children strive to be the best that they can be, and the environment cultivates a love for learning.  Students and faculty both, work hard and respect one another.

My husband and I decided that we would rather drive older cars and rent for now, but send our son to loving stimulating environment and neither of us regret our decision.  I have friends who live in homes that cost well over half a million dollars and send their children to public school because it "free", but at the same time they are not pleased with the education in the neighborhoods, but unwilling to pay for private schools.

So, OP, do what feels best for you are your son. Look for schools that offer scholarships and welcome students of all income and ethnic groups.

[Devaya]

CatsCradle, I agree. It's not an 'elite' school at all and in fact the fees are lower than other private schools, the draw factor is the philosophy  behind the education, the small classes and the nature emphasis. So I'm not actually worried about the factor of peer pressure to 'keep up' etc with material possessions. I think that will to some degree happen anyway and anywhere, but less so than in a public school. My son at 3 is already aware of lots of toys he 'wants' bc of going to childrens houses where there is TV and they collect certain toys... so I dont think it can be entirely avoided.

Andrews Mother, I have actually found out that there is a possibility to get a means-tested grant (which at my current and near-future-estimated income levels I would def qualify for) of up to 80 % of the fees, at my favoured school,and I am going to try for that. I'm going to get my son into the kindergarten starting next Sept (have put his name down already), make the sacrifices to pay the (lower than full school fees) fees for that period, and then try to get the grant, bc apparently once your child is already IN the school they are much more inclined to help you with fees. The only other alternative school that offers definite, clear bursaries in the area is a Steiner School and I didnt get a good feeling from it, and have severe doubts about some of the steiner stuff... so I'm not going that route.

I'm going to hold out for my dream. I have no problem driving second hand cars and stuff like that, I've always  lived like that, but I do need to find a way to work that doesnt take me away from my son too much.

[AndrewsMother]

Originally Posted by Devaya 

CatsCradle, I agree. It's not an 'elite' school at all and in fact the fees are lower than other private schools, the draw factor is the philosophy  behind the education, the small classes and the nature emphasis. So I'm not actually worried about the factor of peer pressure to 'keep up' etc with material possessions. I think that will to some degree happen anyway and anywhere, but less so than in a public school. My son at 3 is already aware of lots of toys he 'wants' bc of going to childrens houses where there is TV and they collect certain toys... so I dont think it can be entirely avoided.

Andrews Mother, I have actually found out that there is a possibility to get a means-tested grant (which at my current and near-future-estimated income levels I would def qualify for) of up to 80 % of the fees, at my favoured school,and I am going to try for that. I'm going to get my son into the kindergarten starting next Sept (have put his name down already), make the sacrifices to pay the (lower than full school fees) fees for that period, and then try to get the grant, bc apparently once your child is already IN the school they are much more inclined to help you with fees. The only other alternative school that offers definite, clear bursaries in the area is a Steiner School and I didnt get a good feeling from it, and have severe doubts about some of the steiner stuff... so I'm not going that route.

I'm going to hold out for my dream. I have no problem driving second hand cars and stuff like that, I've always  lived like that, but I do need to find a way to work that doesnt take me away from my son too much.

I was VERY hesitant to send my son to after school care, but we had no other alternative.  DS LOVES the program and hates to miss a day.  Sure he is some what grumpy after the long day, but I greet him in the car with a hug and a snack.Yes I am sure that we could spend that time together, but DS takes cooking, etiquette, art, computer music and yoga.  I would not have the time or patience to instruct him weekly in all of those activities.  Perhaps if you found a great after school program that will engage your son in meaningful activities instead you will feel less guilty about your time apart.

[whatsnextmom]

Originally Posted by CatsCradle 

Originally Posted by whatsnextmom 

We have friends who have made such sacrifices as you are talking but I'll be honest, it doesn't seem to be working out too well. Mom is working non-stop to not only afford prime private schools but to buy the things their kids need to FIT IN to these private schools where the kids come from high income families. The expectations for perfection are SO much higher when you are giving everything for the experience. It's hard to be truely satisfied.  The kids enjoy their schools but family life is tense and the kids do feel guilty.

That is very interesting, because that hasn't been our experience at all.  In fact, DD's school and many like them in the area are fairly diverse (economically).  Maybe it is because they are more alternative based than "prep school" based.  I would imagine that you would see the high income stuff in some of the more elite prep schools in my town, but there are a lot of alternative schools that cater to a wide range of income groups.  The feeling that I get from DD's school and the kids/families that attend is that the families value the educational philosophy and thus sacrifice in other areas in order to make it work.  I mentioned this on a few other threads, but our "sacrifices" involve tolerating each other in a very small apartment and coming to terms with the fact that we won't have too much disposable income for a long time.  It is worth it for us, though.  There are a lot of similarly situated people in this town and more often than not, people do this because a particular school is a good fit for their child.  I haven't met anyone who sends their kids to private schools just for the sake that it's private.  But then again, I don't really run in the circles where "private" is important because of social status. 

 

I'm speaking of mom's in this exact situation... single moms without another adult to help manage tuition and help cover some of the physical care of their child when they have to put in the hours required to afford living expenses and paying tuition. I'm not saying private is not a good fit for some kids. I'm saying if private is going to pull away the only parent a child has, it's at least woth trying the free options first.

Personally, of our single mom friends who have gone private, it's not the happiest of situations all around. Couples we know are more satisfied with private school. They may not be wealthy. They may drive used cars. However, they often have either a working partner to help with expenses or a partner at home to avoid additional child-care costs and make up the difference of the extra hours a sole breadwinner often has to put in.

By all means the OP should look into scholarships, financial aid for tuition and such. However, if it's not obtainable, I still believe the public school system is worth a real try. It's just comparing apples to oranges when you are talking about the sacrifice in a two parent home and in a single parent home.

[Devaya]

whatsnextmom, yes, I agree - its not the same situation at all, and sometimes I forget that and compare myself to families which is ridiculous. DS's dad is on the scene and has him once a week but he is not very supportive and has already said there's no way he will contribute towards school fees. I'm going to go for the scholarship option and in the meantime look into public schools in our area and see what is out there...but it does really break my heart to think of sending DS somewhere where learning isn't self directed and there are just too many kids for the teachers to give adequate individual attention.