Don't know what to do about this behavior. . .

[AAK]

Ugh, maybe this should be in the gentle discipline section, but I don't really think of it as a discipline issue.  

Lately (6 months or so) my 4 yr old has started saying the she wishes that I weren't her mom.  She wants "L" to be her mom, not me.  At first she said this only when she was being corrected.  Now, it is whenever she is displeased with what is going on.  Tonight, it was bedtime.  Not only that, but I required her to sleep in jammies vs the clothes she had on.  And, I made sure she brushed her teeth, and since it took so long to get that all done, she missed the opportunity for a book. . . but it doesn't have to be such a big thing.  I could simply need to do something like laundry and she would rather me play with her.  Or, she wants to paint and it isn't a good time.  Whenever she gets a "no" or just doesn't like the requirement, this is her most common response.  

I know that when I was about her age, I said "I HATE YOU" after my mom put me in my room for something (not sure if I was in trouble or if it was time for bed).  My mom's response was to come back in and slap me.  I don't do that.  And I won't.  But, this is beginning to irritate the *&% out of me.  I know "L" very well, and I would not want her to be my mom.  I don't think dd would be a good fit with her either.  Of course that isn't the point.  And I know this. . . but like tonight, I just wanted to do something to make a grand statement that I was not ok with her saying that.  I have spoken with her about how it makes me feel.  I have told her that I understand that she is disappointed/mad/unhappy/sad/etc.  I have asked her to find those words first to tell me what she is feeling.  We have talked about this while she was upset and in times that she is not upset.  I have been making a big effort to give her time with me that isn't interrupted, to snuggle, to read, to play games, to craft together.  It doesn't stop.  Sometimes, I fantasize about sticking her in the car and driving to "L"s house and dropping her off for a couple of days.  Of course that is ridiculous and I wouldn't ever really do that--but talk isn't doing the trick, ignoring isn't doing the trick, and I really need it to end.

Any ideas.  No, I don't know "why" it bothers me so much--it didn't at first.  But it has gone on for too long!

Amy

[LemonPie]

Have you tried just ignoring it?  My guess is she knows it gets under your skin and that's why she continues to do it.  I think I'd just try to act like she'd said nothing or try to come back with a neutralizing response.  For example:

You:  I can't play right now, I have to do laundry

Her:  I wish L was my mom!

You:  (walk away and continue laundry as if nothing was said)

or

You: I'm sorry, you took so long brushing your teeth that we don't have time for a book tonight

Her:  I wish L was my mom!

You:  (laughing)  Well, *I* don't wish that, because then you wouldn't be my daughter.  What a silly idea!  Hey, what do you think you'd like to have for breakfast in the morning?

[Mom2Brendan]

It's a phase that kids go through when they are upset with you because you didn't let them look at toys , go to this restaurant to get them food like from mcdonalds or Burger King etc.

I remember how many times my boy would go I hate you , I want to live with Daddy the dad who he hasn't seen in 3 yrs , even mention of wanting to live with my brothers family or wishing he lived somewhere else .

I point out the good  things we do and I talk to him about the other families he notice including my brothers family .  I go so you want to be with  a 'family who does this or doesn't do this then he is like Mommy I'm sorry I only want to be with you .

[Attached2Elijah]

Oh those are always my favorite... The running away threats, the "I want to live with so-and-so".... I call their bluff. Every single time. I say "okay, let's go pack your bags" .... by the time 2 shirts are in the bag, they're ready to admit they don't want to go anywhere, lol. Although one time, my son (6 at the time) went ahead and grabbed his clothes, still on the hanger, slung them over his shoulder, grabbed his blankie and pillow and a toy, Walked down to the end of the street (I was watching the whole time from our window) and sat down on the curb for about 2 minutes and then realized it was REALLY cold out without shoes on and promptly came back.

[pbjmama]

I think it bothers you 'so much' because it is an incredibly hurtful thing to say. However, I think this is something you have to mourn privately because your dd knows it is a hot button and she is going to keep pushing it. A 4 year old just doesn't have the ability to understand the depth of what she is saying.

My variation would be similar to LemonPie,

Her:  I wish L was my mom!

You: Well, *I* don't wish that, because then you wouldn't be my daughter. I love you too much to argue about that. Then move on to the next topic.

[AAK]

Originally Posted by pbjmama 

I think it bothers you 'so much' because it is an incredibly hurtful thing to say. However, I think this is something you have to mourn privately because your dd knows it is a hot button and she is going to keep pushing it. A 4 year old just doesn't have the ability to understand the depth of what she is saying.

My variation would be similar to LemonPie,

Her:  I wish L was my mom!

You: Well, *I* don't wish that, because then you wouldn't be my daughter. I love you too much to argue about that. Then move on to the next topic.

Good, thanks!  That is my usual response.  I was just hoping to find something that would magically "fix" this as it is really getting on my nerves. . . and like I mentioned in my post talking didn't work and I won't resort to blowing up.  It is really hard to not show that I am hurt or sometimes angry.  I've always been told never to play poker--my face gives away everything. 

It is reassuring to know that I am not alone.  I was starting to question some of my own behavior/responses thinking that maybe I am too mean (or too nice), or not consistent enough, or. . . an endless list.  

Amy