Custody - What would you do? Update - he asked, sort of.. - Page 2

[~Nikki~]

Originally Posted by MissLotus 
Oh and about how he pawned the kids off on his brother... I meant to ask if your agreement has a "right of first refusal" clause in it for you.... meaning that when the children aren't in his care during his visitation time, you have the right to be with them. 

Yes we have that clause.  And I called him on it and he said that it didn't count because the kids were already in bed (they weren't, which I explained to him..not that it even mattered.)  And then he spinned it to say that his parents and brother beg to take the kids because they miss them.  Um, yes, I get that...that's why you visit them together, as a family.  He pawns the kids off on his parents or brother nearly every single Saturday night, overnight each time.  Keeping in mind that he only sees them an average of once or twice per month, and has all that other free time to spend going on dates with his girlfriend.  He finally caved and said that if there's ever an "emergency" childcare situation where he needs me, he'll call.  I didn't say anything because I wanted to go back and reread our agreement to see if it specifically said "emergency", and it doesn't.  Anytime he can't care for the kids, I have first right to them.  Period.

I just had it out with him through texts, as he was adamant that it was his god given right to have the kids 50% of the time, period, and I could do nothing to stop that.  I told him that I needed to discuss my concerns with him before I would entertain the idea of changing our custody agreement, and he lost his mind on me, saying this was always supposed to be temporary.  Um, he told me he was leaving for work for 2 years.  It's been approximately 3 months and he's bailed on the job and now wants them back.  The agreement doesn't state that this is a temporary situation.  So I know he'll have a fight on his hands if I put my foot down on this.

I just don't know what to do.  He told me my daughter is a liar, and he never said he wants to switch their school and that, in fact, his girlfriend's child is not being moved to a new school.  My daughter would have no logical reason to just make this stuff up.  And considering I left the man because he's a pathological liar, well, I know who to believe here.  But I do know that the kids would love to spend more time with their father, and I don't want to deny them that.  As their mother, I know what's best for them, and living in a filthy house where they're never bathed or fed or cared for properly is just not what's best.  If he could change all that, and promise me that his girlfriend will actually stop frollicking around the house half naked (a state I've witnessed her in every single time I've picked up the kids) then I'd be willing to consider this change.  Sigh.
 

[Rani]

Please STOP communicating with him. The last text you should send is "our custody agreement is in place and only the court can change it. My lawyer will be in touch."

He will not stop harassing you now because you are letting him think he can wheedle you down.  STOP.  You will only screw yourself at this point. Get thee to your lawyer TODAY and do as PPs suggest - have a letter sent to him reminding of the agreement and that only a court can change it. 

[tinuviel_k]

Originally Posted by Rani 

Please STOP communicating with him. The last text you should send is "our custody agreement is in place and only the court can change it. My lawyer will be in touch."

He will not stop harassing you now because you are letting him think he can wheedle you down.  STOP.  You will only screw yourself at this point. Get thee to your lawyer TODAY and do as PPs suggest - have a letter sent to him reminding of the agreement and that only a court can change it. 

YES!!! Please listen to this. Disengage from your ex. Please contact your lawyer, and every time your ex tries to contact you please repeat: "You'll need to get in touch with my lawyer." This guy knows how to play you like a violin, and by communicating with him you are allowing him to.

[doubledutch]

yessssssssss to the above advice.  disengage and communicate only through your lawyer except the absolute basic communication necessary to adhering to your current agreement (like, "i will pick the kids up at 6.").

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Rani 

Please STOP communicating with him. The last text you should send is "our custody agreement is in place and only the court can change it. My lawyer will be in touch."

YES THIS!!!!  Stop talking to him.  DO NOT text him.  Tell him, repeatedly if necessary, that if he has a problem he needs to contact your attorney.  Seriously.  It makes life SO MUCH EASIER.

[hillymum]

Originally Posted by tinuviel_k 

Originally Posted by Rani 

Please STOP communicating with him. The last text you should send is "our custody agreement is in place and only the court can change it. My lawyer will be in touch."

He will not stop harassing you now because you are letting him think he can wheedle you down.  STOP.  You will only screw yourself at this point. Get thee to your lawyer TODAY and do as PPs suggest - have a letter sent to him reminding of the agreement and that only a court can change it. 

YES!!! Please listen to this. Disengage from your ex. Please contact your lawyer, and every time your ex tries to contact you please repeat: "You'll need to get in touch with my lawyer." This guy knows how to play you like a violin, and by communicating with him you are allowing him to.

Totally agree with this! Only talk to him directly when it concerns the children, disengage when it changes to anything else. if possible if you need to communicate keep it to email. Text is the next best thing.

Just remember, if you stop feeding the troll it will go elsewhere for food!

[vannienicole]

I had to go to emails only when my ex wouldn't stop trying to bully me.  CC'ing my lawyer on everyone of them made him change his tone and worked out best for me.  Stop engaging him as the others have said.  No matter what he said, he HAS to take you back to court to get what he wants.  Compile all your info just in case he does get a bug up his butt to go to court.  Don't let him think that bullying works and it will slowly stop.

[MissLotus]

Please, don't give him the forum to bully you anymore!  Because it's working.  As impossible as he is, as irresponsible and a liar and manipulative and as much as he logistically is unable to care properly for the children, you are actually thinking about letting him have his way.  Even though it is NOT in the best interests of your children!  He has you cowed and he knows is.  Again - this is not to criticize you.  My ex acts much the same way.  Luckily I caught on to his games quite early on and come hell or high water, I will hang on, even if it's by the skin of my teeth, where my child is concerned. 

Your kids can spend plenty of time with their father, if you really deem that important (I have my doubts about exposing my child to someone like that more than I have to) without shuffling around 50% of the time, especially given his unsuitable living situation.  And whatever they may or may not want, YOU know what's best for them and that is what you need to do.  You say, "If he could change all that, and promise me that his girlfriend will actually stop frollicking around the house half naked (a state I've witnessed her in every single time I've picked up the kids) then I'd be willing to consider this change."  Well, it sounds like his promises mean precious little.  I think you'd be absolutely foolish to continue texting and whatnot - please let your lawyer take this one.  Unless you want to spend the next several years miserable and cowed (the more he sees he can bully you, the more he will do it!), there comes a point where you make a stand and stick to it.  That is the point that affects your children. 

Originally Posted by ~Nikki~ 

Originally Posted by MissLotus 
Oh and about how he pawned the kids off on his brother... I meant to ask if your agreement has a "right of first refusal" clause in it for you.... meaning that when the children aren't in his care during his visitation time, you have the right to be with them. 

Yes we have that clause.  And I called him on it and he said that it didn't count because the kids were already in bed (they weren't, which I explained to him..not that it even mattered.)  And then he spinned it to say that his parents and brother beg to take the kids because they miss them.  Um, yes, I get that...that's why you visit them together, as a family.  He pawns the kids off on his parents or brother nearly every single Saturday night, overnight each time.  Keeping in mind that he only sees them an average of once or twice per month, and has all that other free time to spend going on dates with his girlfriend.  He finally caved and said that if there's ever an "emergency" childcare situation where he needs me, he'll call.  I didn't say anything because I wanted to go back and reread our agreement to see if it specifically said "emergency", and it doesn't.  Anytime he can't care for the kids, I have first right to them.  Period.

I just had it out with him through texts, as he was adamant that it was his god given right to have the kids 50% of the time, period, and I could do nothing to stop that.  I told him that I needed to discuss my concerns with him before I would entertain the idea of changing our custody agreement, and he lost his mind on me, saying this was always supposed to be temporary.  Um, he told me he was leaving for work for 2 years.  It's been approximately 3 months and he's bailed on the job and now wants them back.  The agreement doesn't state that this is a temporary situation.  So I know he'll have a fight on his hands if I put my foot down on this.

I just don't know what to do.  He told me my daughter is a liar, and he never said he wants to switch their school and that, in fact, his girlfriend's child is not being moved to a new school.  My daughter would have no logical reason to just make this stuff up.  And considering I left the man because he's a pathological liar, well, I know who to believe here.  But I do know that the kids would love to spend more time with their father, and I don't want to deny them that.  As their mother, I know what's best for them, and living in a filthy house where they're never bathed or fed or cared for properly is just not what's best.  If he could change all that, and promise me that his girlfriend will actually stop frollicking around the house half naked (a state I've witnessed her in every single time I've picked up the kids) then I'd be willing to consider this change.  Sigh.