What would you do in this instance?

[StephandOwen]

So, here's the circumstance. 3 boys all the same age. 2 are twins. 1 has autism, the other has "issues", but not autism. The 3rd boy (unrelated) also has autism. All 3 were in the same preschool class. The unrelated boy and the twin without autism were in the same Kindergarten class and are currently in the same 1st grade class. These two boys got along great and the unrelated boy and the twin with autism also got along well (but spent less time together since they aren't in the same class). All the boys got together after school often to play at the park or Chick-fil-a or whatever. They were often rough (wrestling and such) and each of the boys has gotten hurt at one point or another. No biggie, they're boys and we've been working with all of them on how to be more gentle and also how to tell the others that they don't want to wrestle.

About a week ago the unrelated boy bit the non-autistic boy (his best friend) at school. He said it was because he wanted to be first in line It was hard enough to leave a small mark, not hard enough to break the skin (boy said he didn't mean to hurt his friend because he barely has any teeth- he had lost a tooth the night before- but obviously he did bite and he bit hard enough for it to hurt).

The biter was punished according to the parents discipline. The mom asked the boy if he wanted to make an "I'm sorry" card for the boy he bit but he refused and said he wanted to tell him he was sorry. The next day at school the boy apologized.

The boys did not get together at all during the week after school due to the biters moms schedule (she was working more than usual). The dad of the biter talked to the mom of the bitten child the day after it happened and apologized. Mom said she understood and it wasn't a big deal.

Today (a week later) the mom of the biter saw the bitten boy while picking up her son. She mentioned to the bitten boy that if he goes to the park this afternoon he can have his mom call her and they can meet them there. The bitten boy said "No, I don't like him anymore" He says that even though the biter apologized he didn't "write a letter" so it wasn't okay.

Obviously my ds is the biter Should I just let it go? I don't want to force ds to make an "apology card". That seems silly. DS did apologize and it seems worthless to force him to make a card. DS doesn't seem heartbroken about this loss and has mentioned that he's making new friends. But the other mom was my only mama friend here and I hate to lose her I know she understands what it's like to be on the other side because her autistic son went through a period of biting too (my son was bitten by hers 2 years ago in preschool). In 2 1/2 weeks they will be leaving the country and so the boys won't see each other for almost a month. Should I just let it go for now and hope they all forget about it by after Christmas?

[Peony]

What I would do is reach out to the mom, let her know that you value her friendship, and that when they come back from their trip, you guys should get together. That way she knows you understand, there are no hard feelings, let the boys have some space and see what happens in a month. 

[lotusdebi]

Let it go. The boys will work it out, or they won't. I don't think it's fair to the kids to try to force them to forgive and be friends again. Sometimes kids grow apart.

Can you and your friend get together without the kids sometimes?

[Cascadian]

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Edited by Cascadian - 6/2/11 at 8:34pm

[abeliamama]

Have you talked to the mom yet? I would probably call and express I  was sorry about what happened and wish them a good trip--just sort of clear the air. Or stop by with a goodie for their trip.  I would hate to think I didn't do what I could to save the friendship.  As for the kids, there is not much you can do. The boys might pick back up together when school resumes. Time can heal some wounds.

[NightOwlwithowlet]

I'd give it some time.  My son is 8 and he has a best friend next door.  I noticed from the ages of 6 years old to about 7.5, their friendship was very mecurial.  One day they were best friends, then they hated each other, next day they were back in each others pockets.  They were both easily hurt, offended and angry. They matured a bit and are inseperable again.  While neither of them have ASD, they both have social delays from ADHD.  The girl's mom and I  provided them with a little guidance, but generally stayed out of it.

[ollyoxenfree]

I think I would have one more discussion with your son about the possibility of writing an apology. An apology expresses remorse, which your son has done, but the point is also to make the wronged person feel better about what happened. The other boy would like a card to soothe his hurt feelings. I think it's a matter of empathy. It may seem worthless to your son, but it isn't worthless to the other boy - apparently it has great value.  He may not be reasonable about wanting a written apology after receiving one in person, but I think that's beside the point really. I don't think it's wrong to explain to your son that a written card will help this boy feel better about the situation. 

I wouldn't force or demand that your son write a card. If he still doesn't want to do it, I'd let it go, since he has apologized in person. 

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

I think I would have one more discussion with your son about the possibility of writing an apology. An apology expresses remorse, which your son has done, but the point is also to make the wronged person feel better about what happened. The other boy would like a card to soothe his hurt feelings. I think it's a matter of empathy. It may seem worthless to your son, but it isn't worthless to the other boy - apparently it has great value.  He may not be reasonable about wanting a written apology after receiving one in person, but I think that's beside the point really. I don't think it's wrong to explain to your son that a written card will help this boy feel better about the situation. 

I wouldn't force or demand that your son write a card. If he still doesn't want to do it, I'd let it go, since he has apologized in person. 

Me, too.  It sounds like a communication issue.  The bitten boy doesn't realize that a spoken apology means the same thing as a card.  I remember one boy not accepting ds saying "I'm sorry" because he wanted "an apology."  He kept saying "you have to apologize," lol.  If my boy was the one bitten, I'd be explaining to him that saying "I'm sorry" means the same as getting a card.  Maybe your ds would like to pick out a store bought card and send it through the mail.  That could be fun for him.
 

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by abeliamama 

Have you talked to the mom yet? I would probably call and express I  was sorry about what happened and wish them a good trip--just sort of clear the air. Or stop by with a goodie for their trip.  I would hate to think I didn't do what I could to save the friendship.  As for the kids, there is not much you can do. The boys might pick back up together when school resumes. Time can heal some wounds.

I agree with talking to the mom.  It may be that she is encouraging him to separate from your son because she isn't understanding of a child in elementary school having a sudden biting phase, or if applicable being in a biting phase still, just because she had a child go through that phase in preschool.  Talking to her may give you a sense of what is going on so you can help your child develop other friendships if you need to.  It is sad when a friendship ends, but not a lot of people are understanding of biting no matter what diagnosis a child has. 

[GoBecGo]

I would talk to the mom and let her know you want to be friends, whatever your kids are doing (my very good friend's eldest has autism and my DD and he have known one another since they were babies.  One day they love one another, the next they hate each other, us mums just watch and wait, it always swings back around).

I would talk to my son about the card.  I wouldn't force him to do one, i would just say, the other boy would like one, and it might make him feel better and want to be friends again if we make and send him one.  BUT it is still his choice.  Just make sure he is clear on what the other boy wants, why he wants it and his own options within that.

[StephandOwen]

Thanks everyone! I've sent the mom a message and will keep this thread updated if anything happens.