I am going to try to make this short because it's a very painful subject but I need some sound advice.Forgive me for being all over the place. I'm trying to make this as short as possible. My mother has always been emotionally abusive and extremely manipulative. For most of my childhood and a large part of my adult like I was the caretaker to a mother who exaggerated her health conditions to keep me in line and around (writing this makes me realize how much my mother and MIL are alike). My mother and I have had a very on and off relationship the past 6 years or so. She's lied about me and defended a brother who physically assaulted me (choked me until I passed out and threatened to murder me). He unplugged my phone, took my house key...She told the police I had a history of mental issues and basically begged them not to arrest my brother. I was very proactive in pressing charges against him and getting a restraining order even though my mother begged me not to do it. For the record, he admitted what he did to her but says I provoked it. My mother supported my brother through this entire deal and still does today to some extent. Shortly after this occured my mother was hospitalized. She told me to come visit her one day (she lives in NY but about an 1.5 hour train ride away).When I got there with my then boyfriend (now DH) I was refused entry into her home because the brother who attacked me was there and said he did not feel comfortable around me. My mother doesn't invite me to family events. When I got engaged to DH she was extremely supportive and even helped pay for the lions share of our wedding. When I foundout I was pregnant she was super supportive and even came to the hospital when DD was born. I've tried to maintain a semblance of a relationship with my mother even when it's been painful for me but truthfully, I can't do it anymore. It's too exhausting and too painful. She calls to check on her granddaughter and asks about seeing her. I don't want her in my home. I've offered to meet her someplace so she can see DD but she always has an excuse. It's taken me years but I get it. My mother only wants me around when it's convenient for her and her own terms. She does not care for me. She's not a loving mother. Her terms no longer work for me. Dealing with her is draining emotionally and physically.
My mother has pitted my siblings and my entire family against me. I've been to several different therapists who have all offered the same advice..."leave your mother alone." Recently, I was invited to a family baby shower for an uncle of mine I've always been close to. Since the assault his contact with me has been here and there with me. Oh, for the record , he and my mother think it's my duty to make things right with my brother. I won't. I have nothing to make right. Anyway, I was sent an evite to teh shower and RSVP'ed. I though an olive branch was being extended to me and I was happy to support my Uncle (not sure why because he hasn't exactly supported me) and his new wife. After RSVP'ing to the invite I was sent an email from the host of the shower (MY MOTHER) asking me to please not come because my siblings don't want to see me.
I've had it. I want nothing to do with her. I don't want to talk to her. I don't wan't birthday cards from her and I don't want her sending my child anything. I blame myself for allowing this kind of treatment to go on for so long. While I know this is the right thing to do, it hasn't been easy. Any advice on mourning the loss of a parent who's alive but who I no longer want in my life and can't have in my life for my own well being?