Not sure where to post this Fil trying to bribe me to get back to work?

[Ravensong13]

I have posted about my fil before. He is of the mind that I shouldn't be sahm. He is very controlling of dh ( and now my) finances and has made his opinions known to me before. He pretty much puts my sil and her family up on a pedestal. Sil and her dh work, she is gone for days at a time for work and even though her dh is home, their baby still spends nights and several days at a time with other families or my in laws. I try hard not to judge them, it's just not they way I choose to parent, but I digress.

Things seemed to have gotten better recently. Dh was constantly stressing himself out because he was raised to see even a TINY bit of debt as a complete financial failure. We still have some credit card debt left over from our wedding in August and are still in the process of putting all our money into one joint account , etc. We are going to be refinancing because the mortgage payment is based off of dh living in this house with two roommates, not his one income and me staying at home. So fast forward to this week. Apparently fil has been putting money every year into an account for each of his kids as christmas presents ( I think it is to avoid taxes honestly) and has said that this year he is going to just give us the money. I was very happy! This would help us start over at zero on the credit card and deal with hiring a new lawyer ( other story). So today dh gets a phone call from fil. He is transferring the money nwo, but would like to sit down and have a 'serious' conversation about finances with dh afterwards. I don't know exactly what he said but dh got angry and said, " you want me to agree that dw will start working now if you give us this money?!" I was livid to say the least! Fil then goes on to say how sil works and it works out fine. I was proud of dh because he did say that we prefer to actually SEE our child thankyouverymuch! I just got upset and said to dh to tell fil that that is NOT a gift if it comes with something like that and that this is OUR life and OUR choice for me to sah, and NONE of his business.

So here's the real issue. We're hosting thanksgiving and I want to cancel. I don't want to have to pretend to not feel hurt about this. If thanksgiving were next week, I wouldn't cancel and I'd take the week to wait and see how things play out. It was a last minute plan, we were just going to have it be dd, dh and I, but fil and mil wanted to come and I said the more the merrier. It's not over reacting to just say we would like to keep it just us to avoid any arguments is it?

[mamalisa]

Money doesn't buy an opinion.  No one is asking for the money, you don't NEED it (though it would make life easier) so tell him to take his money and his ideas about how you guys should live your lives and stick it.  Be nicer if you feel like it.  

[nola79]

That's crazy! With my personality, I would probably feel very hurt and cancel. However, that will just lead to more problems, and you have to be sure you're ready to face them. I am glad your DH stood up for you, though.

[limabean]

Ugh, how frustrating! I just can't bring myself to accept money if there are strings attached. If I were your DH I'd probably say something like, "I'm uncomfortable accepting any monetary gifts from you because you think it entitles you to have control over our lives. We're happy with our decisions and don't have any plans to change the way we do things. So thanks for your offer, but I'm going to have to say no thanks to the money." 

I probably wouldn't cancel Thanksgiving, but I'd assert my newfound autonomy and calmly enforce boundaries around the subjects of money and child rearing, asking people to leave if they're unable to steer clear of those topics. 

[Juvysen]

I'd buy him a copy of "the two income trap" and tell him to shove it.  I might still do thanksgiving but tell him he better behave or he's not welcome.

[Starflower]

I agree with LimaBean. My dad has done this type of thing in the past, too. (He actually tried to bribe me to break up with my BF in high school.)

I think you and your DH should decide how you want to tell him that you don't accept "gifts" with strings attached and just tell them how it is. If they don't get too mad to come for T-giving, then just try to enjoy the day as best you can, even if you have to keep reminding FIL about the boundaries. I had to do this with my dad and it's actually helped a lot.

Good luck.

[chaoticzenmom]

I think your husband needs to tell his father that he doesn't want any monetary gifts from him anymore.  Tell him that you love him and want your relatlonship with him to be unaffected by monetary gifts and the expectations that go along with those gifts.

That's really sad because you could use the money, but you'll feel much freer without those strings.  Debt sucks, but it's even worse to feel like someone's pet.  With your FIL, you'll need to keep everything even.  Don't let him do more for you than you do for him.

[Tigerchild]

Why do you and your DH even want money from this man?  Just to get a credit card paid off a few months earlier?  Seems like a poor trade off for me, a lower number on a piece of paper for invisible chains.

My dad is extremely controlling with finances.  The best thing I ever did for our relationship was to non-dramatically and firmly just stop accepting any money from him.  Even when it inconvenienced me or would have been nice to have.  When he asked me why, I was honest with him--"Dad, I love you, but accepting money from you seems to make you worry and think that you need to fix things in my life.  You don't need to do that, I'm all grown up now.  I don't want you to feel anxious about your money and me--and truly, I don't need money from you, and I think it makes us both pretty uncomfortable when I accept, so I'm not going to from now on.  I know you love me, even if you don't give me money."

I think your DH should invite Dad out for a coffee or a beer or whatever and say, "Dad, I've been thinking since you made your offer.  It seems like the gift comes with terms that I simply cannot accept.  No hard feelings, but we won't accept the money now.  Maybe you could split it amongst the grandkids/other grandkids, or we would be honored if you would donate it to your favorite charity in our name, or do something really fun with Mom and think good thoughts about us.  We love you, and love to spend time with you guys, but you bringing up the subject of my wife going back to work is driving a wedge between you and me, because she's not going back to work by our mutual decision, and I feel that you disrespect me when you keep bringing it up.  We're proud of BIL/SIL too, and are glad their happy.  I hope that you can be happy for our happiness too, but discussion on our parenting arrangements is over, please respect that."

[blizzard_babe]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom 

I think your husband needs to tell his father that he doesn't want any monetary gifts from him anymore.  Tell him that you love him and want your relatlonship with him to be unaffected by monetary gifts and the expectations that go along with those gifts.

This.

[Irishmommy]

Or tell him that while you would love the gift, that you will not accept input in your finances or parenting.

[Smokering]

I think disinviting them from Thanksgiving might actually be a smart idea. It sounds like your FIL's gotten used to controlling your DH, and now's as good a time as any to REALLY put your foot down and say "No; we as a couple can make our own decisions and don't want your opinion about them". He might not get the hint unless you do something semi-drastic, like refusing to see him for a while. You don't have to be nasty about it - get your DH to say something like "Ravensong and I were both hurt that you would try to control our lifestyle by offering us money. We'd like a little time away from your disapproval. On Thanksgiving we'll be feeling thankful that we get to see our baby every day. When you're ready to respect that, call us and we'll talk".

[AllisonR]

First, the most important thing is you and DH are on the same page, and that your DH has already sent a clear message to his dad that this is the case. So half the problem is already solved! Second, I think cancelling thanksgiving is a bit passive-agressive. You are going to have to deal with the situation, either now or later. Might as well go ahead and get it resolved. I really liked Tigerchild's idea. I think a beer between DH and his dad and a generous conversation about what your FIL can do with his money instead would be a great way to resolve it.  
 

Originally Posted by Tigerchild 

Why do you and your DH even want money from this man?  Just to get a credit card paid off a few months earlier?  Seems like a poor trade off for me, a lower number on a piece of paper for invisible chains.

My dad is extremely controlling with finances.  The best thing I ever did for our relationship was to non-dramatically and firmly just stop accepting any money from him.  Even when it inconvenienced me or would have been nice to have.  When he asked me why, I was honest with him--"Dad, I love you, but accepting money from you seems to make you worry and think that you need to fix things in my life.  You don't need to do that, I'm all grown up now.  I don't want you to feel anxious about your money and me--and truly, I don't need money from you, and I think it makes us both pretty uncomfortable when I accept, so I'm not going to from now on.  I know you love me, even if you don't give me money."

I think your DH should invite Dad out for a coffee or a beer or whatever and say, "Dad, I've been thinking since you made your offer.  It seems like the gift comes with terms that I simply cannot accept.  No hard feelings, but we won't accept the money now.  Maybe you could split it amongst the grandkids/other grandkids, or we would be honored if you would donate it to your favorite charity in our name, or do something really fun with Mom and think good thoughts about us.  We love you, and love to spend time with you guys, but you bringing up the subject of my wife going back to work is driving a wedge between you and me, because she's not going back to work by our mutual decision, and I feel that you disrespect me when you keep bringing it up.  We're proud of BIL/SIL too, and are glad their happy.  I hope that you can be happy for our happiness too, but discussion on our parenting arrangements is over, please respect that."

ITA! A lot of parents have strings attached with money. So the best way to avoid this is to not accept money. I was only 24 when I paid my mom back the last 400 dollars I owed her. She didn't want me to pay it off, she was actually upset and worried that I was paying it off, because in her mind, she was loosing control over what I could/could not do with my life. But it was clear to me, even then, that this is exactly what I needed to do. And the relief and freedom were worth every penny. I often did without a lot of stuff when I was younger, though no less than a lot of other people, but my own independence and peace of mind was worth that. 

Years later, my mother now gives money - but it is a true gift now. She is a real estate agent, so when both my brother and sister bought homes, she took the commission, then gave it back to them. I bought a house in another country and so she could not do that. She did not have to do anything. But one day we were telling her we were going out to buy a car, and she called and said, here is 10,000 dollars, for your car or whatever you need/want. That was very generous of her. So many years ago the ground rules were laid out for her, spoken or not, and it took a while, but eventually she came to the realization that those were the rules, and has played by them ever since. It is her choice to give or not. It is my choice to receive or not. I only receive if the gift is TRUELY given as a gift.

[Ravensong13]

We got an email from dh's mom last night. She was semi apologizing for fil, saying that he doesn't know when to shut up sometimes( and that dh speaks before he thinks) and that it was meant as advise because they really think refinancing is a mistake.

I don't really believe it. He wouldn't have pointed out sil and her 'amazing' choices as a mother if he didn't feel that way. Mil peppered her email with how lucky dd is to have me staying at home with her etc, but I don't think any of that came from fil. So we've decided to have them for thanksgiving and use it as an opportunity to put this thing to rest once and for all. We will no longer be discussing money with fil ( this is something dh has to stop doing) and how we choose to live our life is up to us NOT him, not matter what mistakes he thinks we may be making. Thanks for all the great advise, I feel like I often sway between being overly confrontational in the heat of anger or just going and hiding and pretending things will go away. I think if anything else, this thansgiving will be a good time for dh and I to practice standing up for ourselves in a diplomatic way.

[lilyka]

heck yeah!!  You can't expect FIL to respect a fuzzy boundry.  If you don't want his input on finances, if you want that part of your life to be private, you need to stop discussing it with him and start keeping it private.

FIL:  I want to talk about money

DH:  That is between my wife and I.  Did you see the football game yesterday?

If you need financial planning advice go to a professional.

Originally Posted by Ravensong13 

 We will no longer be discussing money with fil ( this is something dh has to stop doing) and how we choose to live our life is up to us NOT him, not matter what mistakes he thinks we may be making. 

[Starflower]

Sounds like you have a good plan. Enjoy your holiday!

[Rani]

I would kill them with kindness and normality on Thanksgiving.   Dont' take the money - if he gives it, he expects a say.  If he forces it - just does it anyway, create a trust fund for dd for college with it.  He expects a say if hes paying - you see?

But have them over and when it comes it, respectfully but firmly refuse the money and any discussion is met with "im sorry, that is private between us. Thanks. Isn't that pie tasty?" 

This way, they can't say you were in a snit or treated them poorly. 

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Ravensong13 
We will no longer be discussing money with fil ( this is something dh has to stop doing) and how we choose to live our life is up to us NOT him, not matter what mistakes he thinks we may be making.

Print this out and tape it to the mirror so that you dh sees it every morning! It's got to be hard for him to change the patterns of a lifetime, so make sure you give him an extra hug for maintaining good boundaries with his dad.

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by Ravensong13 

We will no longer be discussing money with fil ( this is something dh has to stop doing) and how we choose to live our life is up to us NOT him, not matter what mistakes he thinks we may be making. Thanks for all the great advise, I feel like I often sway between being overly confrontational in the heat of anger or just going and hiding and pretending things will go away. I think if anything else, this thansgiving will be a good time for dh and I to practice standing up for ourselves in a diplomatic way.

Sounds like a good plan. Do realize though, it takes time. And it can take a good chunk of time. Old habits die hard. So if you stop discussing money today, then it will still take your FIL, and anyone else for that matter, a while to realize the "rules" have changed. He is not going to instantaneously respect boundaries just because you say you will not discuss money any more. No one would. In fact a lot of people will try even harder to talk about your money issues, because that is the way it always has been and that is what they are used to and comfortable with. But just don't talk about finances. This is between you and your DH. If you are consistent, after a few months, or even a few years, it will gradually sink in, quite clearly, that finances are off limits. Good luck. And Happy Thanksgiving!
 

[*bejeweled*]

Originally Posted by mamalisa 

Money doesn't buy an opinion.  No one is asking for the money, you don't NEED it (though it would make life easier) so tell him to take his money and his ideas about how you guys should live your lives and stick it.  Be nicer if you feel like it.  

!!!

[pregnant@40]

Blood money. I wouldn't take it, for it's his way to control you guys. Just thank him for the offer, but for the sake of family peace and your own sanity, definitely never accept his monetary gifts.

I would still have Thanksgiving though.